My son is a Freshman at UCB. He was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and received accommodations. When he started his freshman year this fall, we were worried about academics and social issues. Surprisingly, he seems to be doing ok socially. However, he is not doing well academically. I think he failed his math midterm (his major) and he’s failing chemistry (a class he thought he would do well in). He seems to be in denial and is not taking advantage of his accommodations. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I think he’s getting more and more depressed and he seems to be spinning. He thinking he should change his major, but he’s not sure to what. He didn’t study much this year so far and his grades reflect that.
I’m trying to help by offering to hire tutors or anything else (he saw a psychologist once…I’m not sure if he’s going to go again). He doesn’t want any help from me at this point. I’m worried about his mental health (he can get very depressed and shut down) and I’m worried that he’s about to flunk out. Since he’s over 18, it doesn’t seem like I can do much at this point. I feel very helpless. I wish I can help him, but I’m not sure what I can do. I’d appreciate any suggestions. Thank you in advance.
yes, you can and should step up to help your child. This is hard, uncomfortable, and will stretch you beyond what you think you can bear. But you need to intervene.
GPA follows your child forever. It affects all future college efforts no matter where he transfers to. A medical withdrawal can wipe his slate clean, and should be your goal.
Each college will have their own rules of how to qualify for a medical withdrawal. It is crucial to understand and follow the rules exactly.
Mental health trumps everything. It is the only thing that matters right now. Read through parent posts on this forum. There are many paths to a college degree. It is not a race, and your son can be successful in life. There is hope.
But right now is hard. You need to contact the dean of students and have an honest conversation. Ask questions. Find out what the first step is.
Please search this parents forum for multiple stories of parents agonizing over their children who are floundering at college. It is very common, and although it is heartbreaking for everyone, it is survivable. And parents will sometimes come back and update their journeys. Sometimes it is partying too hard, or drinking or drugs, or consumed with a boyfriend/girlfriend…so many ways to derail a student’s college experience.
If you have more specific questions, and you are not getting responses in this thread, try making a new thread. Use a more specific question as the title, such as “how to get a medical withdrawal” or whatever your more specific question is.
Sometimes is it not some evil or bad behavior that the kid is doing, it could simply be overwhelming for them. Some high schools prepare kids well for the demands of college, some do not and the academic expectations are way too much for them.
But definitely contact the dean of students and ask what you can do and they can do.
As the parent of a young adult on the spectrum, I’m well aware of some of the challenges. My own son dropped out of UCSB, regained his footing, and is now having a successful stint at another UC after having a couple of years of maturing at a community college.
In my opinion, your son sounds overwhelmed and may be having difficulty getting organized. If he were mine, I would book a hotel room and announce I was coming up for a visit. I would make him go with me to the student services/disability office for an appointment, and have an honest conversation about his situation.
I doubt the Dean of Students will talk with you without a release.
There may be remediations (therapy at the student counseling office, tutoring, etc) which will help. If you DO need to withdraw him, it may be possible to get a medical withdrawal based on his disability, so that his GPA will not be affected.
Sometimes our students - no matter how bright- are simply not ready to handle campus living at age 18 or 19.
While I don’t disagree that you should try to see if you can get a medical withdrawal, I think “GPA follows your child forever” is a bit overstating the importance or long-term effects of a lower or mediocre GPA. It can make things difficult initially, particularly if a kid wants to go to grad school. But the vast majority of jobs don’t care about GPA, and lots of people bounce back from a low GPA to go to grad school in a variety of ways.
I’m not saying that high GPAs aren’t important or that you shouldn’t be concerned about his GPA. I’m only offering this because I don’t want you to think his life is over if he gets a low one - or worse, that if you can’t get the medical withdrawal that the best course of action is to keep him in. His health will come first.
Eh, it depends a lot on the school but they probably will. If you are concerned about his health, concerns about students’ immediate mental and physical health trump FERPA and are a case under which you are not breaking the law by talking to parents about students’ performance. Also, I think there’s some clause in there that if you are paying for the kid’s school and claiming him as a dependent on the tax returns certain FERPA provisions don’t apply.
thank you all for your help. We visited our son last weekend and try to help him. He’s resisting our help and refuses to get a tutor. He says he can handle it. I hope I’m wrong, but think he’s likely to fail two of his classes. I feel helpless, but I think at this point I need to see what happens.
Are you and your spouse paying for his college education? Have you made any payments yet for spring semester?
You and your spouse (assuming you are still married to child’s father) need to discuss what you are willing to do to stand up for your child when that child refuses help. How much of your money are you willing to throw away before you cut him off? How far down are you willing to let him spiral into depression?
These are harsh questions, and I am sorry to have to type harsh words to parents who are probably hurting and stressed to the max. I urge you to get to a family counselor with your spouse, and talk to a neutral third party who can help you process your feelings, communicate with your spouse, and come to a decision both of you can live with and not back down from.
Did you give any conditions to your support for your son’s college expenses? Is he expecting that you will cut off funds if a certain GPA is not met?
I would ask questions. Find out GPA needed for any scholarships he has. Find out about Academic Probation and policy details. Find out what steps are needed to take a leave of absence for spring semester. Can you place any scholarships on hold? Figure out deadlines for doing this. Can you wait to see final grades before pulling the plug?
You sound resigned to watching this semester implode. So at least switch gears and start planning for how to handle spring semester. Will you really let your son return after the Christmas break if he has refused all help and has failed courses?
It is so easy for posters to type out solutions, and I understand the reality of your situation is not easy at all. Sending hugs your way.
I agree with tightening the purse strings if his effort is lackluster while resisting any efforts to improve it.
I don’t see how a medical withdrawal is reasonable. If he is not studying, and failing classes in his major, while receiving accommodations then maybe he is in the wrong place. More money applied to the situation won’t help. The only thing he can do is work harder.
If he is doing well socially, despite the Asperger’s, then maybe he would be more motivated to study if he knew that you have clear expectations and consequences regarding performance.
In my view, doing unexpectedly well socially while doing surprisingly poorly academically as a third party pays the bills is not being overwhelmed. It is taking advantage and should be dealt with clearly. Hard to do with your own kid.
Two F’s will very likely land him on probation, or might even get him kicked out if probation isn’t a mandatory first step in the process.
I would very seriously consider the medical withdrawal rather than having him finish the session. Looking down the road, for the UC system you can reapply as an incoming freshman next year if you have no college credits (assuming he might want to try a different UC). So if you withdraw now he can reapply to any UC in the future as a freshman.
However if you get grades for the first quarter/semester, then the UC’s would consider him a transfer if he took time off then wanted to reapply to another campus. And UC’s only take junior-year transfers, so then he’d have to do 2 years somewhere else. UCB would take him back after a break, but if he left on probation status that might complicate things and you’d need to check their policy carefully.
Above information only applies to the UC system; private schools have their own policies. I’m really sorry to hear your S is having such a hard time. He’s at one of the toughest schools in the country and it’s not going to get any easier, so taking a break to reasses the situation would be a very good idea IMHO. At the end of the day you control the purse strings, so if you tell your S that you’re not paying for the next quarter/semester and he needs to withdraw now, he really has no choice.
I haven’t look at Cal’s policy, but at UCLA you can take a break and return anytime (“regular” breaks between sessions, not medical withdrawals mid-semester). So check Cal’s policy to see how easy it would be to return.
Sometimes people with Aspergers have executive function deficits…this is the part of the brain that plans, organizes aand sustains attention. So someone who may have done well with mom and dad prodding “have you done your homeowrk” may not do well on their own.
My daughter is NLD - not ASD but similar challenges as to Executive Function and all. She also refused my help, to help herself or take advantage of tutoring or accomodations and did very poorly her first semester. I gave her the 2nd semsester to get it together and nothing changed. In hindsight I should have made her come home after the first semester. It is okay to need help but her refusal to change anything should have been a red flag to me she wasn’t going to make it. It was a waste of money. I wanted it to be okay, but to be honest I was lying to myself.
@Mgoodman I work at a community college and FERPA ties our hands when it comes to talking with parents. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t listen to your concerns. I suggest that you contact the Student Support or Disability Support Services office that handles his accommodations. Ask to speak with one of the counselors. While they won’t be able to give you any feedback and may be very guarded about what they say to you, let them know your concerns. Most counselors will follow up with your son and his teachers. Depending on what you tell them, they may even be required to act.
Two worries for my ASD HS sophomore as we look to college…HS is very structured so it works and keeps her motivated. That same motivation does not occur at home. Online HS was not an option because without structure she falls to path of least resistance. The other challenge is the stubbornness due to the inflexible brain. I am wondering if you could hire an advocate or person in the area that might be able to check in on your student and keep him on track. Providing a structure or accountability separate from parents and school. Another suggestion which I know can be controversial is considering medication. Prozac helps with the inflexible brain. It has been life changing for our teen…a difficult choice to medicate but the outcome has helped tremendously.
“It is okay to need help but her refusal to change anything should have been a red flag”
All of this. A kid accepting help may need a second chance; a kid refusing help needs to come home (or get a job and move out).
“FERPA will not tie your hands if you have your child sign a release.”
I advise all parents to require a FERPA and HIPAA release from their 18+ child as a condition of paying anything toward college. It’s especially valuable for kids with diagnoses, but I recommend it to everyone.