<p>My son recently started college and we asked for a call on Sunday night weekly to check in. It’s the same policy we followed when he traveled the past few summers when he was away for 6-8 weeks at a time. Some friends are amazed that we don’t text him daily and got offended when I told them to raise the rotors a little…the ones who got the reference at least…
Maybe it’s the difference between sons and daughters but “give them roots and give them wings” he knows he can call more often if he needs to, or in an emergency.</p>
<p>I don’t think the level of communication has to do with gender. My son calls home nightly when he’s away just to say hello and let us know he’s okay. Meanwhile, we have to prod our daughter to answer important questions (like “Where did you leave the other phone?”) and otherwise wouldn’t hear from her for weeks at a time!</p>
<p>My parents and I will sometimes talk every day, sometimes go weeks without talking. We’ve never had a set schedule. If something major happens, we’ll call. They know that if anything ever happened to me, one of my three roommates would get ahold of them so they don’t worry. </p>
<p>My roommate used to Skype with her mom ALL THE TIME. One time her Skype call with her mom was left on while she showered and her mom scared the crap out of me. We had a mini intervention after that lol.</p>
<p>If you are sending a child off to school who has physical or mental health issues, talk, don’t text, skype if possible, visit if possible. Second semester freshman year, my son went off his meds (which culminated in a “come and get him” call from the school.) We were trying to give him space, and of course, he sounded fine in texts, emails and brief phone calls. If we had seen him in person (or by skype), seen the disaster that was his dorm room, we would have known he was off his meds.</p>
<p>If you have a legitimate reason to doubt that your child will stay on meds, monitor his blood sugar, whatever, don’t engage in magical thinking. Don’t be too afraid of being called a helicopter to stay in touch.</p>
<p>(I’m not saying to hover. I’m saying that a parent knows when somthing is “off.”)</p>
<p>^Agree 100% with missypie.</p>
<p>I hear from my D who is a junior almost every day in some fashion. Either she will call between classes or text me incredibly important and timely information. Such as that she had a playdate with a bulldog yesterday. I need to know these things!</p>
<p>We leave frequency of communication up to her unless there is something specific like making reservations to come home or other logistical things. She’s a bit of a smart-aleck, so my husband and I often get silly texts or pictures. This is just how she is and her siblings and grandmother hear from her equally often. She has a full class schedule, a part-time job in her field, an internship and club responsibilities, so she is a very busy person, but getting a text with a picture of her petting a chubby bulldog and the word “jealous?” is priceless.</p>
<p>Lol zoose, texts like that are priceless :). My dad, sister, and I all text dog pictures to each other so I guess that’s our way of acknowledging that we’re all alive.</p>
<p>I just texted a picture of son’s cat to him this morning. He’s getting a little chubby. S texted back asking if it was true the cat was getting fat and if it’s because he misses s. I just said - nah, you can’t lay on a couch cushion for 20 hours a day and stay in fighting shape. And the cat is 9 now, it’s like some other middle age people we know - getting a little fluffy around the edges. </p>
<p>I figure just non grilling, cheerful chats let’s us keep in touch vs my wanting to grill him, offer advice, etc that will drive him nuts.</p>
<p>And I will keep myself from overdoing it until we chat again on Sunday. </p>
<p>I don’t think there is anything unusual about wanting to keep in touch with a child after having them under your roof for 18 years. It’s not easy to flip that switch off.</p>
<p>I’m glad someone started this thread. Our only two DD are at the same university and we’ve tried to let them enjoy their independance and not be the “hovering” parents. We’ve gotten emails, texts and phone calls in the past month but its been hard to coordinate phone calls that dad & mom can both be included. We told them to call if they just want to talk, need advice, etc… One of their HS classmates at the same school talks to her parent everyday which for our family would be too much. I’m glad there’s not a “correct” answer on frequency</p>
<p>My feeling is that if neither party is inappropriately relying on the other, then whatever works is probably fine. My daughter is considering making a small adjustment next semester, so I feel confident that we will speak several times before she registers for class. I don’t see anything wrong with that as long as the ultimate decision is hers.</p>
<p>I agree that there is no right or wrong frequency of communications. It is personal and unique for each student/family.</p>
<p>My communications with sophomore D are mainly via text which is similar to when she is home. I try to let her initiate most contact, but there are times when I will send her a quick text about something trivial or funny (ie a goofy pic of the dog or cat). </p>
<p>She and I also text from time to time about “our shows” (ie “OMG mom- are you watching Masterchef?” or “Did you see Colbert last night?”) </p>
<p>I don’t really communicate much with her about her classes or her grades-unless she brings it up. </p>
<p>Oh, and of course, she sometimes emails/calls/texts if she needs $$, but so far, this year has seen fewer $$ communications than last year (thank goodness-LOL!)</p>
<p>Let me start by saying that my D and I, and even her Dad have an unusually “tight” relationship. She’s never really had much to hide, and so we ARE Facebook friends. We’re even FB friends with HER friends, but only if THEY request it. </p>
<p>I like to know she’s alive. That means, if I see her posting on FB, if I can see that she went to class, if her friends are posting pictures about her and if she shoots me an occasional text “Good morning, Mom! :)”, I don’t worry so much.</p>
<p>I am very excited for her and I miss her very much - so I enjoy our late night weekend messages on FB that catch me up on everything that’s happened that week. If she didn’t call or we didn’t have a meaningful conversation once a week, I would be hurt and very concerned. There was a little tension her freshman year for about a month while she was pledging to a service organization - she was just swamped, and didn’t talk to us very much. I was a bit hurt, but her DAD was VERY hurt. It all got ironed out, though.</p>
<p>I am a hover-mom at heart - but I also know that this is HER time, and to a large degree, she has to set the rules and boundaries for correspondence. I’m comfortable with that because she’s doing very well: Grades are good (fantastic actually), staying out of trouble, friends are great, making good, solid decisions, etc. If that were not the case, I have to confess I would be FREAKING OUT. I’m mainly a hover-mom just because I REALLY REALLY want her to succeed and to be happy, and being new at being out in the world is daunting - there’s a lot of stuff to stay on top of. I know I get on her nerves sometimes. I try to be sensitive to that, and usually we laugh about it together.</p>
<p>She’s about 3 1/2 hrs. away. </p>
<p>I would never blackmail my kid for a “desired result”. But I have to be honest, if Mom and Dad are footing the bill (we’re not - solely), and the kid’s not doing so well and not communicating, my words might be interpreted as “blackmail” or something similar. That’s never been an issue for us, and I cannot imagine a scenario in which that would occur.</p>
<p>I don’t feel like my D OWES me regular/meaningful discussions, but given our close relationship, again…I would feel hurt and very disrespected if those discussions just stopped. Frequency is about once a week, and I’m comfortable with that.</p>
<p>I cannot imagine a “my way or the highway” situation. My girl is my girl. I love her with every fiber of my being. Nothing will change that.</p>
<p>AngelmichelleX - you could have been my daughter last year. Sweet girl! You’ll be okay! Glad you’re enjoying college.</p>
<p>1214mom</p>
<p>Oh man, I am all in my D’s business where finances are concerned. Since I am the safety net, and she’s never handled financial business before, and it’s so important - I feel I need to be. She has not complained, I think she’s grateful for that, actually. She doesn’t have an open checkbook from us. She works when she’s not going to school, and she has scholarships and loans in her name only. We help with school, and occasionally send money and gifts. I don’t monitor what she spends money on. She’s been fairly responsible. Her sinful pleasure is eating out and Starbucks - so I try to send gift cards for those things to take the burden off of her checkbook. I monitor her school bills, and make sure stuff gets paid, talk to Financial Aid with her and/or for her. Yea, I’d be hurt if she didn’t talk to me about major decisions and plans for breaks. That would not be acceptable to me. Can’t imagine her doing that though.</p>
<p>mom5i52,</p>
<p>Yes, my D discusses course selections with me. Ultimately they are HER decisions to make. She has an Academic Advisor who is really stellar - he’s her voice coach, small class size, so she gets good attention to her choices. I trust her - her path is pretty much set though because of her major. But we DO talk about it, and she asks my advice on which class she should designate as “Honors”.</p>
<p>Thanks Cromette - we are only on week 2 of this phase of life, and I don’t want tom come down on him hard, but I am footing the bill for all college required expenses, so I do need some info. From him. Hopefully we will find a pattern that works, but I think je needs to feel a little independent first.</p>
<p>DS and I text every few days and we have requested a Proof of Life call when we can here his voice. We are just a few weeks into this, so we are adjusting, but it seems to be working. Normally it is him asking a question.</p>
<p>Seems silly. Is their children being dead a fear that parents actually have regularly? Several parents have mentioned that as being a reason for wanting to speak with their children every week. </p>
<p>You realize that the odds of that happening are pretty low right? lol. Even if they were dead, someone (roommates, apartment manager, the school, boss) would call you about it. </p>
<p>I guess the term “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t really apply to parents & their worrying?</p>
<p>WDY, I don’t think they think their children are really dead. It’s more of a figure of speech :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Look, I am about as independent as it gets, but I love my parents. We communicate like grown adult friends would. We speak regularly but not on any kind of committed basis. My parents don’t worry about me, really at all. Even when I was a continent away in a hospital. But I REALLY don’t think it’s necessary to criticize a parent’s worry. Different parents have different relationships with their kids.</p>
<p>WDY, it is a figure of speech. however, I was the one that actually had a friend murdered and everyone was unaware she was missing because her parents did not have contact info for her friend and her friend didn’t question why she didn’t show up for a visit. So maybe I do use proof of life a bit seriously.</p>
<p>DS is a pretty independent person, but even he has discovered that the weekly phone calls are a good idea. He never realized that he would miss his parents I guess. If the calls become shorter over the years, then we will all adjust.</p>