<p>ok, forget the kids' stress, this is an open letter to those PARENTS who survived an entire summer with an 18 year-old hs graduate before they sent him/her packing off to college.</p>
<p>How do we keep our sanity with this adult/child being in the house?</p>
<p>We hardly saw our D. She was always doing something.</p>
<p>Ours is just home from boarding school, where she had stricter rules than we impose, and now that she's graduated and 18 she thinks our rules don't apply to her.</p>
<p>We're trying to figure out how hard to push without pushing her out of the house. Seems like a fine line and we're on new ground.</p>
<p>Our DD was home the entire summer prior to going off to college. She worked full time as an intern in a pharmaceutical lab. Part of our graduation gift to her was paying for her use of a family car (gas and insurance), and letting her put her clothes in with the family laundry. She came and went as an adult, with our only rule being one of consideration (a rule that my husband and I follow) - if you're going to be later than expected, let someone know. It was a very pleasant summer and we all enjoyed our time together. </p>
<p>My DS will be heading off to college in Sept. Aside from a two-week trip he'll be taking to Israel (and a one-week family trip to Brazil), he'll be home for the summer. He'll be doing a few seasonal jobs, but otherwise just taking it easy. We plan on enjoying having him around, making a few more family memories before he spreads his wings and leaves the nest. We've never really experienced significant tensions with our kids, so I don't consider the summer to be something to be "survived," but rather enjoyed as a bittersweet time and we close one of life's chapters and open another.</p>
<p>we didnt see ours actually - she was gone all summer at her residential camp job & barely had time to come home to wash a few things before it was time to go to orientation week at college
In retrospect it probably worked well- as it kept her busy & even though she is one of the best tempered kids that I have ever met- I think it is natural for them to as one mom put it ( defecate in teh nest)- its part of "growing up"</p>
<p>The best stragedy is for the student to have a job. We have had some difficulty with this because last son is teaching our township tennis program which has limited hours. I have been encouraging him, to no avail, to seek additional work. I just try to be pleasant all the time.If we put on a sunny attitude, our life will be better anyway. I also try to do some things togehter. I am planning a short trip to Gettysburg with them (2 of them) and hoping to take another one to Canada. Look at it this way, this is it, the end, if you wanted to do anything with your son while he was little, this is your last chance.</p>
<p>One of the few things that worked with our D was access to the car keys.</p>
<p>I expect this summer to be not too different from the previous one. S will spend part of it visiting old friends in PA ( they have been getting together and recording a new album every summer since we moved to the NW, this one is going to be the third and probably the last, all of them are starting college in the fall) . He will also go mountain hiking with his best friend and the friend's family( H may join them this year, I am not a mountain hiking type) . The rest will be spent working odd jobs, playing guitar, playing soccer, drinking herbal tea, reading, watching old movies with me and spending time with friends. He has all the freedom of coming and going, he calls if he is going to be late coming home, he likes to spend time with us and I am in the state of denial about all this college thing. :-)</p>
<p>parabella, I am in the same state of denial. My baby cannot be going to college. And I will not think about him not coming home for the summer after Freshman year. This child is my easy one. A delight to be around. If I could change things I would send my younger child to college and keep this one home for a few more years. He is much less maintenance than the other one. Maybe it's a boy thing.</p>
<p>He's going to be working two jobs this summer. I hope. He can caddy on the weekends and after the first job ends. But he is so busy with parties and family obligations he can't work at all in June.</p>
<p>We have a family vacation planned for August but other than that, we'll try to enjoy our time as a family. Boo Hoo, this is making me so sad. I can handle that he is going to college. I am having a hard time thinking that he won't come home in the summers since he is going so far away.</p>
<p><em>from parents who will probably experience the same thing this year :o</em>
[quote]
now that she's graduated and 18 she thinks our rules don't apply
[/quote]
We witnessed the same attitude bubbling up from our S. I believe it simply takes (might not be so simple with some kids) a quick and clear disabusing of that notion. Nothing punitive, nothing agitated. In our case, S thought, for example, that clueing us in on his plans/whereabouts was now ridiculous. I truly think that he felt he needed to take this stand or be treated as a child for the balance of his life.</p>
<p>I just let him know that it had nothing to do with being a child. As common courtesy, adults who live together let each other know where they'll be (in general), who they're with and when to expect them home. H does it for me and I for him. Eliminates worry; makes reaching each other possible in an emergency. Once he understood these parallels, (and remembered that this is, indeed, how H and I treat each other on these issues) he lost his resistance to the rules.</p>
<p>They want to know that you recognize that they have passed a major milestone. That they are now adults. Let them know you recognize that. I think if you give them a little of the respect they are afraid they won't get, it will solve a great deal of the problem. Maybe change your rules a bit, depending on what the rules are. We didn't trot out the "as long as you live under our roof and we pay the bills, you will follow our rules." But if you have to, go right ahead. I just think it works better to realize where the new-found resistance is coming from and respond to them as the newly minted adults that they are. But without giving away the farm.</p>
<p>My best tip is just to survive it. We had a terrible summer with our S last summer before he left for college. He worked almost full time, but when he was home he was rude and distant. He all of a sudden thought he didn't need to answer to us at all. And this was our most compliant, easy-going child! </p>
<p>If your son is rude, just bite your tongue and turn away. He doesn't mean it, and it isn't permanent. I think sometimes kids need to do this to pull away. They know they are leaving, so they start cutting the umbilical cord....and it hurts. I've heard it said that sending kids out into adulthood is a lot like giving birth all over again...it's painful and traumatic, and by the end of it, all you can think is, "just get him out!"</p>
<p>So, I just counted off the weeks until he left. Then he left...and I cried and cried. After that, there was a complete turnaround. He called us, we called him, and we had very pleasant conversations. We came up to his school for special events and he was happy to see us. He came home a couple of times a semester. Now, he's home for the summer (except for a 3 week trip). We are thoroughly enjoying having him here. I just cherish the long visits and hearing about his experiences and his new insights on life. It almost makes it worth what we went through last summer....almost. ;-)</p>
<p>Our son was pretty family oriented that summer. We took a big trip together that was a total blast. Then he went on a big fishing excursion with my father. Other than that he was home a lot - mostly eating (and making a mess in the kitchen - he likes to cook).</p>
<p>Savor your last summer together. The college summers ARE different!</p>
<p>I think it's a really scary summer. They think they are adults -- we know they are still dependent. I was never so relieved as when we dropped him off at boarding school for his PG year. </p>
<p>Now he's graduated from high school x2 and <em>really</em> thinks he's an adult. Luckily, he has a good 40 hr a week job to keep him busy along with a serious program from the strength and conditioning coach at his college.</p>
<p>It's still scary -- but there's a little more control here since he has to be at work, showered, shaved, with a tie on at 8 am every morning!</p>
<p>We sat down and worked out rules we could live with going forward, and those rules applied starting immediately after graduation. </p>
<p>1) we need to know if you'll be here for dinner because we don't want to waste food.
2) if you're coming in after bedtime, you better do it so quietly you don't wake the dog. And wake me up when you come in so I don't wonder if you're home yet. And tell me if you're staying with a friend so I don't get into a complete panic.
3) we won't wake you in the morning--getting to your job/committments/etc. is your department, not ours.
4) clean up after yourself.
5) do a reasonable part of the household labor, including vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc. and do it without whining.</p>
<p>"We sat down and worked out rules we could live with going forward, and those rules applied starting immediately after graduation.</p>
<p>1) we need to know if you'll be here for dinner because we don't want to waste food.
2) if you're coming in after bedtime, you better do it so quietly you don't wake the dog. And wake me up when you come in so I don't wonder if you're home yet. And tell me if you're staying with a friend so I don't get into a complete panic.
3) we won't wake you in the morning--getting to your job/committments/etc. is your department, not ours.
4) clean up after yourself.
5) do a reasonable part of the household labor, including vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc. and do it without whining."</p>
<p>We had more or less the same rules before the graduation. They still apply. Personally I don't understand how things can change so much in one day. We treat our son like a responsible adult, have been for awhile , and with good results. So we don't feel any difference now and don't have to ajust to his new persona. If anything he has been more considerate, more kind to us this past year, which makes it even harder to prepare for the separation.</p>
<p>You are lucky parabella. I too fall in the camp of having kids that never give me trouble and are just a joy to be around (except for trivial things like messiness/laziness). </p>
<p>BUT --- look at your friends' kids. Some, from wonderful families with great parents, need a LOT of supervision. Why are kids different? Who knows! They just turn out that way sometimes.</p>
<p>I found that their emotions run hot and cold.Sometimes they need to express frustrations with household rules and boundaries,othertimes they will be clingy and stay close to home.There's lots of turmoil going on within them,no matter how independent they are or how looking forward they are to leaving the "nest". Best for your own mental health to just roll with whatever attitude presents itself that day as long as they can meet your standards for curfew,household chores,participation in family events/outings,etc.
With D I sort of let up on the curfew parameters as the summer went along to get her ready.I plan to do the same with S this summer.But letting me know when he's back under the roof,and if he won't be home to sleep that evening is a must.</p>
<p>Our big change this summer is that we finally lifted the curfew upon graduation from high school (had been 1:00 a.m.). A lot of parents don't seem to believe in curfews, but we have a night owl. He has now come in as late as 5:00 a.m. just as H was getting up for work. Three or four is routine if not working in the morning, one a.m. is routine if he has to be at work by 9:00 a.m. (life guards 4-5 days per week and bus boy 5 nights per week at Ruth's Chris, going straight from one job to the other). </p>
<p>Even in high school, we would modify the curfew if he had a concert or some valid reason for coming home later (prom, etc.), so I don't think he is rebelling. He just likes the night. Even when home, he would stay up on the computer or phone or watching T.V. until early morning hours. He does get up on his own, obviously works hard, had his best year yet for grades, manages to fit in a daily run now that soccer season is over, and always answers his cell phone (keeps it on vibrate at work). He keeps his work schedule on the calendar, but we don't try to keep track of his social schedule anymore. As he points out, we can always reach him on his phone. He is always coherent and happy to chat when we call. If he is drinking, we can't tell. Claims these late nights are spent hanging out in people's rec rooms or yards, primarily hooking up with girls.</p>
<p>Nobody is home at a regular time at our house for dinner, so that isn't an issue. He is supposed to keep his mess confined to his room, do his own laundry, and pick up for the cleaning lady. Those three tasks require nagging but ultimately get done by him and not us. </p>
<p>I am stressed by his late nights, but haven't found a reasonable excuse to curtail them. He is always pleasant to be around, but we clearly don't see him that often. We overlapped for thirty minutes this morning as he got up, watched a little world cup soccer, folded laundry and left for work.</p>
<p>The best gift we gave our boys at graduation was to lift the curfew. In exchange, they let us know where they were and what time we should call the police if they were not home. So far, with the 2 boys, they have not abused this and will call if they are going to be later than expected.</p>
<p>I also will write on the dry erase board what we will be having for dinner and the approximate time. (In the summer, dinner is not a regular occurance!) They let me know if they will be home to eat.</p>
<p>I find that inviting them out to lunch is a great way to have a good conversation with them and they love the free food!</p>
<p>I have a question on curfew. I've told my S that he needs to call me if he is going to be out later than 12:00. I have never told him to come home if he wants to be out later but I would like to know where he is and so I don't have to worry. Is this unreasonable? Should I loosen up? His GF's curfew is 1:30, should I just change curfew till then.</p>