<p>Your mother probably has massive self esteem issues of her own which cause her to complain about your weight. If you're the only child I'm sure that's horrible. Try to maintain peace through vacation, can you do something friendly together? When you go back to school, go to a counselor so you can vent about this to a professional.</p>
<p>justbreathe </p>
<p>I wish you the best in working things out. It's good that you're gathering information so that you can evaluate your choices. I'm sorry you've got such a difficult mom.</p>
<p>If you feel comfortable enough about your situation, you may want to speak to someone at the college you attend to see what your options might be should support from your mother were to change. It could be your advisor or your department chair if you have declared a major. I would avoid speaking to finaid or other administration officer so as not the give them the impression that you are trolling for ways to inappropriately receive additional finaid.</p>
<p>My son has a flatmate who left home at 15 to live with his sister for jr/sr yrs in hs. I have no idea what his financial arrangements are or whether his parents or sister provide any financial support. But he has had no problems attending a very expensive private university and keeping up to date on his share of room/board/utility costs and even spent a semester abroad studying in Spain.</p>
<p>You are in the same situation as me. My dad is extremely verbally abusive. Most of the quotes you mentioned, I've heard before myself. Me and my dad just don't get along, ever. I even had a similar eating problem, and I'm a guy. When I was younger I was chubby and starved myself to lose weight before high school. Then in high school when I did football and needed to gain weight for my position, he told me I was getting fat. I stayed really light and lifted weights. Then when I started competitive powerlifting, I wasn't "as strong as he was when he was a kid". When I won the State Championships, he told me he would have done it when he was a kid if he knew about it. I gained weight for football and he went on and on about me being fat. I couldn't cut down to the lightweights for powerlifting that year, and according to him I wasn't trying hard enough. Now it's my freshman year and I gained weight for rugby and he openly told my mom and my girlfriend I was getting fat. I've been home for one day and we got in a fight the first hour I was home. According to him, he didn't "have me back" so that I could be "a smartass". He actually even yelled at me because I didn't send his parents thank-you cards for the $25 check I got when I was 8. He'll give me a hardtime about anything and everything. I've never been in trouble with the law, come home drunk/high, got in trouble in high school, or even asked for money from them unless I absolutely needed it. My mom talks bad about my dad, and my dad talks bad about my mom. They're married, but only for financial reasons. My mom and I don't have as many problems, but she's in charge of the finances and only offered $5K a year, if I actually get any. </p>
<p>What to do? Look for schools that might give you more financial aid and pay for it yourself. Avoid your parents at all costs. When you are finally out of school, don't assoicate with your parents any further. If they choose to be the way they are, I don't think they should expect you to treat them nicely when you are an adult. Believe me, that really got my parents. One of my brothers wants to leave the private high school he is at and both of them have Cs and Ds. I'm their retirement fund, and guess what? They'll be working for a long time.</p>
<p>Are you religious at all? I happen to know that Brown has good chaplains for all 3 major faiths. Go talk to one of them as soon as you get back. You need an adult you can trust in your life. Believe me, they've heard it all before. </p>
<p>They may even know the right buttons to push to get you some extra financial help if it comes to that. What you tell them will be confidential. </p>
<p>I'd also start trying to line up a summer job away from home. If you and your mom just don't get along, it might be better to live elsewhere this summer. Even getting a job at a sleep away camp as a counselor--low pay, but you would have a place to stay and food--is an option. Use this month off to research the possibilities and get out your resumes.</p>
<p>Hey guess what, you don't have to be "religious" to talk to a chaplain. :)</p>
<p>Most college chaplain time ends up talking about family, emotions, coming-of-age issues, anyway.</p>
<p>Justbreathe -- You have some great internal strength, and it sounds like you need it.</p>
<p>However, what you're describing to us is child abuse. Parents don't have to hit to abuse a child. Please consider talking with a counselor (perhaps your old high school counselor?) or calling social services and asking for help. </p>
<p>Your mom may have mental health issues, but whether it is mental health or just abuse, the emotionally abusive behavior needs to stop. </p>
<p>Here's a description of emotional abuse:</p>
<p>Emotional child abuse: types and warning signs</p>
<p>Emotional child abuse involves behavior that interferes with a childs mental health or social development: one website calls it the systematic tearing down of another human being. Such abuse can range from verbal insults to acts of terror, and its almost always a factor in the other three categories of abuse. While emotional abuse by itself doesnt involve the infliction of physical pain or inappropriate physical contact, it can have more long-lasting negative psychological effects than either physical abuse or sexual abuse.</p>
<p>Examples of emotional child abuse include:</p>
<p>Verbal abuse</p>
<pre><code>* Belittling or shaming the child: name-calling, making negative comparisons to others, telling the child he or she is no good," "worthless," "a mistake."
* Habitual blaming: telling the child that everything is his or her fault.
</code></pre>
<p>Withholding affection
* Ignoring or disregarding the child
* Lack of affection and warmth: Failure to hug, praise, express love for the child</p>
<p>No child or teenager should have to endure this kind of behavior, and your life and health are truly at risk the more you put up with it. It is very easy for eating disorders to come back under stress, and that can risk your life.</p>
<p>Please, seek some assistance from an adult in a position to help you. </p>
<p>Some resources: Childhelp USA (toll-free, 1-800-422-4453)
Information that is state-specific: Mental</a> Help Net - Abuse - Abuse Reporting Resources</p>
<p>I hope that you're able to get some assistance so that you're not dealing with all this yourself. </p>
<p>Thinking good thoughts....</p>
<p>Not a lawyer, but in Ohio one has to document to be self supporting for a yr, to "separate" from a parent and be considered independant. Moving out in Feb then applying in March(for example) does not qualify. I suspect other states are similar, in order to truly demonstrate a young person is independant of the parent.</p>
<p>I'm not a lawyer either...but the OP should check into what "self supporting" means. My understanding is that the student would have to be earning enough income to cover all their own expenses including housing, food, and tuition.</p>
<p>You sound amazing to achieve what you have with such an abusive home.</p>
<p>It seems like things are ok when there is distance between you and your mother. Why stay a whole month. Why not try to get back to school ASAP under the guise of "working for a professor over the break". I'm sure your friends would understand the need. See if you can stay with friends nearby if you can't get into your dorm.</p>
<p>Agree with ClassicRockerDad. Also make sure you talk to your Dean of students. S/he may be able to direct you to some campus resources and, eventually, advocate for you with the finaid office if the need does arise. If you have not already done so, look into work opportunities. If you work, it will show that you are make every effort to contribute to your own education. It should be possible to work 10-15 hours without compromising your academics.</p>
<p>I feel so bad for your situation! To have so little family support is something I can't imagine. Be sure you don't repeat the patterns of your mom - failing to connect with people emotionally, or driving away those who want to be supportive. I think your mom has experienced a lot of emotional loss in her life, and doesn't understand the "mechanics" of a nurturing relationship.</p>
<p>Given that she is damaged at some level, try to compartmentalize your feelings about her. Treat her outbursts as you would a dog's barking - she feels threatened or angry, but who knows why. </p>
<p>You deserve a kind and supportive parent figure, but no one is available to you in your family. Find a counselor or chaplain, relative or friend's parent, college or HS teacher who can help you cope. That relationship will teach you how different things can be. </p>
<p>You haven't mentioned anything about a job, but working is going to be a big part of your life in the future. Be sure to get in touch with the employment office at school ASAP - campus jobs can lead to great things. If you're home for a month, put flyers in your neighbor's mail offering to babysit, walk pets, or help with holiday chores. Be strong, and realize that you are doing wonderfully well under the circumstances.</p>
<p>Again, thank you for all of your support. As I've said before, I have no adults to turn to as of yet, so this is the closest thing I can get to help from anyone over the age of 18. I haven't written in a few days because I've been digesting all of this and waiting to see how things would go with my mother. As of last night, she informed me that she truly was serious, didn't care about me anymore, and didn't want me anymore, so I guess it's time to really start acting. </p>
<p>I'm not religious, but I'll look into that once I get back to school. I contacted some of the student counselors from my dorm that I'm close to because they'll know who to contact at Brown for help with the situation. I'm going to work at my summer job for the rest of break. What I'm currently debating is whether I want to legally separate now, while I have the chance(I'm not 18 for a few more months) or if I should just wait to see if she's bluffing. My worry is that if she's not, I'll turn 18 and then afterwards sometime down the road(sophomore year, junior year, etc.) she'll finally withdraw financial support. If I do it before I'm 18, I might stand more of a better chance in getting help from other sources, but then again if she's bluffing then that's a lot of effort for nothing when she would've paid all four years.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear this. Do talk to your dean of students (well before you talk to the finaid people). As for the chaplains, they are very willing to listen to students of all faiths (or no faith at all). They are there for you.<br>
As for legal separation, do you have access to legal aid? Someone could give you advice on the consequences of separating, both legally and financially.</p>
<p>Again, I am so sorry to hear this, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I will keep my fingers crossed that Brown will come through for you.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Hey guess what, you don't have to be "religious" to talk to a chaplain.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>P3T - you and I are always on the same page! Thanks for educating people about the training of chaplains; I'd agree, justbreathe, don't rule out a chaplain, even if you've never stepped foot in a house of worship your whole life. A professionally-credentialed chaplain will NOT try to evangelize you.</p>
<p>"Hey guess what, you don't have to be "religious" to talk to a chaplain. "</p>
<p>Okay, I know this..but stilll..most kids I know who aren't religious are unwilling to approach chaplains.</p>
<p>Brown is rather unique in the Ivies in that it gives equal funding to all of the 3 major faiths. (Harvard gives not a penny to Jews &Catholics.) All of the chaplains are really, really good people. I just honestly think justbreathe needs a good adult in her life live and in person and chaplains are good candidates for this role. Among other things, you can be assured that what you tell a chaplain will be confidential. And walking up to a chaplain you've never met before and venting about what's going on is perfectly acceptable behavior. </p>
<p>I'm sending out cyberhugs..and..since I haven't hidden my faith on this board..I'll also light a candle over this weekend. </p>
<p>God be with you!</p>
<p>Jonri:</p>
<p>Could you explain about Harvard? Harvard has Hillel and St Paul besides Memorial Church, where non-denominational services can be conducted. Do you mean Catholic priests and rabbis are not funded through the university?</p>
<p>marite - I would guess that the overseeing dioceses and synods might provide the salaries for some faiths, such as Catholic. My bet is that each university has its own formula for how their chaplains are compensated... some might come from local congregations close to the school, some from the school itself, some from ministry organizations, and probably many from a combination of these resources.</p>
<p>Jonri, it warms my heart to hear you say that walking up to a chaplain and venting about what's going on is perfectly acceptable behavior! That's what we're there for. My older daughter has told several of her friends who have gone through various crises that if they need someone to talk or vent to, they can call me (she's actually given some my cell phone number). </p>
<p>But back to the OP's situation - chaplains are held to the same code of ethics as many mental health professionals, meaning all information is confidential unless someone's life is imminently at risk, or child abuse is reported. So any mental health professional would keep the OP's situation confidential.</p>
<p>OP: I am very sorry.</p>
<p>What about contacting Youth Services/Family Services? In our state, Family Service provides health insurance, financial support and help with college tuition for those under 18 from dysfunctional families. Such support continues until age 21.</p>
<p>Remember, too, that talking to a chaplain on a college campus is not instead of, but in addition to, all other forms of adult help. They are trained to be a sort of gateway to other forms of help. So if you make them your first stop, they might help you make sense out of all the other kinds of help, such as mentioned in post 39 and more. They might help you know which way to turn first, second and third. You can also ask them if they'll help you phone others in the mental health, financial, social services fields, right from their office. Think of them as "first base" to figure out all the rest of the practical issues you face.</p>
<p>After some of the crisis is sorted out and you know which end is up, then you can return there for counsel. Their counsel tends to be in the form of "what does all this mean for me, how can I live my life from here on forward..." and things that hurt your heart. But first tend to the practicals. You have good instincts, you just need a lot of adult advice right now. </p>
<p>Could your mom be thinking she'd just wiggle out of a huge bill by saying all of this? It is so strange to me that someone would lose a child's affection this way. Perhaps she thinks you know it's just a financial game she's playing...I just can't fathom it. I'm sorry. It's very far from my understanding.</p>
<p>Good luck. I have absolute confidence you won't give up until you have engaged adult help to figure all of this out properly; practicals first, then tend to the feelings after.</p>