Parental Advice Needed: Roommates Boyfriend Over Too Much!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi There,</p>

<p>I have a weird roommate situation. I figured that before I talk to her about it in depth, I would come here for some quick 'parental' advice.</p>

<p>My roommate and I have mutual friends so we were introduced and decided to dorm together the summer prior to the fall semester. We talked all summer, and I quickly realized that my living situation was going to be great. We worked together to create a very livable area, and had a lot of fun decorating the dorm. Overall, I really like my roommate. We became fast friends and realized that we have a lot in common. We get along great and I enjoy her company immensely. </p>

<p>Okay, now to the issue. My roommate has a serious boyfriend who she is with 24 hours a day. If she's not in class, attending a club meeting, or working a shift, they're together. Shouldn't really be my business, they could be a really close couple, and it's obvious that they are. Thing is, it is starting to effect me. During the school week, I won't see her four or five days at a time because she is away spending the night at his apartment. When she is here, he is along with her, and it gets very smothering. Even after she spends days at his place, he will follow her back here and stick around in our room for hours on end. He is a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he's also kind of controlling. They will get into heated arguments about who she is talking to online, if she ate lunch without him, or what she is going to wear to school the next day. If they're not arguing in front of me, they're cuddling and kissing on her bed (NOT a prude here, it's kinda strange when I'm eight feet away)</p>

<p>He will spend the night sometimes (when he's not staying until midnight), and it gets very awkward when I have to change in and out of my pajamas and bathrobe. We already decided that it was okay to have seldom sleep-overs (I'm also seeing someone, who my roomie and her bf are friends with, but I usually visit him at his fraternity in the evenings), but he's just here too often. I feel like I'm sharing my place with him too. He tries to control the lighting, opens and closes windows, and sometimes he even stays here and surfs the 'net while she works a three hour shift. </p>

<p>I also wish my roomie and I could spend more time together. I really do value our friendship, but I feel like we can never do anything together. Her boyfriend is very uncomfortable with her going out on the town without him, and I worry that she isn't getting any girl-time with me or the other girls she is friends with. Sometimes she expresses feeling a little isolated from her girlfriends and hobbies, and that worries me a bit. </p>

<p>Any advice? Thanks Parents!</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

2

<p>Izzie Bear, that's a tough situation you're in, tho not uncommon. Clearly, if things are as extreme as you describe, your feelings are completely understandable. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your roomate --without the b.f. there---and what I would start with is that you "... also wish my roomie and I could spend more time together. I really do value our friendship, but I feel like we can never do anything together". Coming from this angle, I think she will be less defensive and will feel good about your feelings toward her. I would then also explain that while you don't mind him being there sometimes, it has become awkward for you, esp. at nite (also, if he has an apt. with his own room, I can't see any reason for him to be sleeping over in yours). What I would stay away from (altho I find it somewhat disturbing) is his controlling behavior towards her. Don't say anything negative about him...just focus on your own comfort level and your friendship. If however, she ever brings up being unhappy about the controlling thing, then I would certainly support her and help her think about it--(his jealousy and unwillingness to let her be with others sounds like the first stages of a potentially abusive relationship, but I WOULDN'T TOUCH THIS aspect of it unless she begins to see it that way). Right now, you want to try to deal with this as diplomatically as possible, so that she doesn't feel that you are putting him down. By letting her know that you miss being with her and that you value her friendship tremendously, she will be more open to considering your feelings.</p>

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<p>DoneMom -</p>

<p>Thanks so much for your helpful advice. It's nice to know that I'm not being irrational about the situation. I know that their relationship is none of my business. His semi-controlling behavior only worries me because sometimes she tells me that she misses hanging out with the girls, and wants a little alone time. I don't think she is in a dangerous situation, I just want her to be happy and get the most out of her college experience. I will talk to her about my feelings, but will make sure I keep it strictly in relation to spending more time with her, and possibly regulating the length of time her boyfriend can spend at our dorm room. </p>

<p>Thanks Again!</p>

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<p>I agree with DoneMom that it is a shame that the BF feels the need to be with her 24/7 & not allow her time to just "hang out" with the girls & be alone. I agree that the suggestion to let her know you miss being able to do things with her & the girls is a good way to approach the situation & keep her from getting defensive.
"Semi-controlling" behavior that you're describing is a sign of insecurity & can lead to an abusive relationship. It is fair for you to help establish rules about the amount of time either of you can have guests in your dorm room (this way it's not directed at any particular guest--like her BF--& will apply to other friends, BFs & guests).
Good luck!
Starion</p>

5

<p>IzzieBear:
I was in the situation way back when I was in college. Looking back on it - I wish I had gotten a new roommate as soon as it started. </p>

<p>It really impacted my social life. </p>

<p>Actually, it felt like I was living with an old married couple. The worst part is the three of us then moved into an off-campus apartment, picked up a 4th roommate who also had a steady boyfriend! Then I was living with TWO old married couples. Not good. </p>

<p>Keep your friendship, but start looking for a new roomy now.</p>

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<p>I agree with weenie and with Donemom.
My suggestion is that you focus on your own feelings of wanting time alone with her and of not wanting boyfriend to spend so much time in your dorm room because of your lack of privacy. Put some limit on how long that each of you can have guests visit.</p>

<p>Because the relationship is also showing red flags that it is or will become abusive, do not put down the boyfriend in any way because he'll get mad when she tells him, and he may then try to actively isolate her from you. Let her know that her friendship is important to you, and even if you decide to get a new roommie (or even if she basically moves out to be with boyfriend), let her know that you still consider her a friend.</p>

<p>If you can find some books or pamphlets on abusive relationships and leave them on your desk or bed so that she's likely to look at them, that also may help. Don't give her the pamphlets because she's likely to deny there's a problem, and she's also likely to tell her boyfriend. Just leave them around or find a way to casually refer to info as if you're researching a paper or something.</p>

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<p>Here's a link to an article about dating abuse that may be helpful: <a href="http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Again, thank you all for your advice.</p>

<p>To be honest, I don't think her boyfriend would ever get violent with her(although I know that even the people who seem harmless sometimes end up as abusers). I do know that he is insecure and needs to control certain aspects of her life to feel stable within the relationship. I just want her to experience life beyond her boyfriend, and know that it's not okay for him to make her feel guilty about very petty things. I really do care about her, so I don't want her to graduate and then feel as if she missed out on making memories with other people. I know that she would like to travel abroad, among other awesome things, but I don't see her being able to do these things if her boyfriend needs for them to be together every moment (he needs to learn that it is quality and not quanity that makes a relationship).</p>

<p>However, these are all things SHE needs to think about, and I have told her many times that I am always here to listen and offer advice. </p>

<p>With all other concerns aside, the real issue is that my privacy is being invaded. It isn't really a matter of what I think of the relationship, it's that it's always in my face at all the wrong times. I know that we need to set up some rules to help ease my frustration, but I almost feel that I've blown it. When we made up roommate guidelines at the begining of the semester, we were both really laid back about the regulations. We both knew each other's boyfriends and felt comfortable with them. We took pride in knowing that we never had to worry about sketchy dorm guests stealing our belongings, etc. But now, there is a problem - at least for me. I guess I just feel weird because it's been a few days since he has spent the night (but was over until 11 on sunday) and she's been at his place all week, so I haven't really seen her. I wonder how I should bring it up now...</p>

<p>Also, in response to moving out now - I am pretty much bound to this contract for the rest of the school year. If I wanted to break the contract, I would loose my $500 deposit and be charged a service fee of a few more. Also, trying to switch roommates would be pretty harsh, and I really do want to room with her. </p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

9

<p>I suggest that you make an appointment with your roommate -- just your roommate -- to discuss the living arrangements. Waiting for an opportune time when the boyfriend isn't around could take waaay too long. You've said that the privacy issue is the one that bothers you the most, so start there. It's not an easy thing, to bring up your unhappiness, but just plunge in and do it. Stick to "I" statements: I'm really bothered when I have to get ready for bed and your boyfriend is here. I can't study when you are arguing or making out. Etc. Avoid "you" statements, like: You are so inconsiderate, having him over all the time.</p>

<p>If she can't manage to make some time for you, or if the discussion doesn't give any results, talk to your RA. Likely there would be some sort of official mediation meeting called, which may ruin the friendship, but at least would put some teeth into your requests.</p>

<p>On the controlling boyfriend issue, I would wait until she brings it up. You said, "Sometimes she expresses feeling a little isolated from her girlfriends and hobbies, and that worries me a bit. " That's the ideal moment to say, "Yes, I've noticed that. Let's set up a regular Girls Night/Afternoon/Whatever so we can have some girl time" Then, as you have more time together, when she brings up the boyfriend you can start to explore the behaviors you have concerns about.</p>

<p>Good luck! It's not easy, but you can be a true friend to her by helping her set some limits that also make life easier for you.</p>

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<p>"Also, in response to moving out now - I am pretty much bound to this contract for the rest of the school year. If I wanted to break the contract, I would loose my $500 deposit and be charged a service fee of a few more"</p>

<p>I'm not suggesting that you move out. There may be a way to switch roommates. For instance, there may be someone who has similar concerns about their roommate's boyfriend who'd be willing to switch rooms with your roommate. Often people who spend lots of time with their boyfriend are happy to room with people with similar practices. The RA may be aware of a rooming situation that could lead to an amiable switch.</p>

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<p>Start looking now for a new roommate.</p>

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<p>I agree with Weenie. She is not going to stop spending time with her boyfriend. If you put a limit on when they can be oin your room, they'll just go to his place. Girls drop off with friends all the time for boyfriends. Accept it. And the whole idea that this is abusive is just crazy.</p>

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<p>I never once said that their relationship was abusive. I mentioned that when they are here in the dorm room, he acts very controlling, and that behavior leads to arguments that I don't feel I need to be a witness to. I'm an opinionated person, and when a guy is calling his girlfriend rude names because she accepted a guy from her chem lab as a myspace friend, I almost want to say something. </p>

<p>I actually have a very active social life, so I am not clinging to my roommate for my only form of friendship. I too, am dating someone, but I choose to mainly visit him on/off campus or at his fraternity. I bring him here to the dorm occasionally, but not very often. The fact is, I'm pretty busy with classes, clubs, and other friends so when I come back to the dorm, it's to relax, read, watch a television show, complete an assignment or study. The fact that whenever I return to my room, he's here for hours at a time or stays overnight, makes for very little privacy and an atmosphere that doesn't make it easy to concentrate. </p>

<p>I don't expect my roommate to stop hanging out with her boyfriend. I have accepted that they are together a great majority of the time. Not my relationship, not my business. I'm well aware that when young women are in serious relationships, they tend to spend a siginificant amount of time with their boyfriends. Although I would like to spend more time with my roommate, I do not expect her to make special accomadations for my desires. If they want to go to his place 6 days out of the week, fine. I just want some breathing room. </p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice so far. I thank each of you, and am sorry if I came off as selfish or bratty.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

14

<p>Izzie,</p>

<p>I can tell that this is giving you a lot of pain and that you have thought about it long and hard. </p>

<p>A couple of thoughts FWIW:</p>

<p>There is no crime in readjusting the roommate guidelines if you feel that your privacy is being invaded. I have really serious space-needs myself, sometimes even where my DH is concerned :) and that is absolutely valid to discuss. Sometimes what you think you can live with, never having done it before, becomes what you cannot live with. I think you do not have to apologize for this, just state it tactfully as FACT. Use "I messages" such as "I am having a hard time feeling comfortable when BF is here after X hour" or "I am not comfortable with BF in the room when you are not here." People need boundaries, and I do not think what you are suggesting is unreasonable at all. </p>

<p>All the best!</p>

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<p>" never once said that their relationship was abusive. I mentioned that when they are here in the dorm room, he acts very controlling, and that behavior leads to arguments that I don't feel I need to be a witness to. I'm an opinionated person, and when a guy is calling his girlfriend rude names because she accepted a guy from her chem lab as a myspace friend, I almost want to say something."</p>

<p>I have worked as a therapist with people in abusive relationships. What you are describing -- controlling behavior, name calling, isolating a person from their friends-- is abusive behavior.</p>

<p>In addition, the desires you have for private space and to not have to share your room with a roommate's boyfriend who hangs around for hours on end while you are there -- is a normal desire on your part to have private space. I agree with the suggestions of momofthree. If you can't work out a solution, it's appropriate to look for another roommate.</p>

<p>Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean that they are your ideal roommate. I had problems with my freshman year roommie that included her allowing guys to sleep over while I was in the room. Afterward, freshman year, we both had separate rooms, and still maintained our friendship, which now is more than 30 years old.</p>

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<p>I don't see anything selfish or bratty about you. I do see that you seem to be in denial that your roommate's boyfriend is behaving abusively. At the very least, he's being emotionally abusive by calling her names and by being so controlling.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom -</p>

<p>I just wanted to respond to the poster who mentioned that the idea of it being abusive is crazy. It is not my place to label their relationship; I can only give advice and listen to her if need be. However, I do agree with what you are saying. I have had a close experience with an abusive relationship, and understand that control can be the first precursor. Thing is, the way he controls doesn't appear to be violent per say, bascially just overly authoritative (sorry, probably not describing it well). I still think it's amazing that she puts up with him because I would be the first girl to put a guy in his place if he tried to map out what I could and could not do. Like, sometimes he will try to regulate her meals, which is odd. He will say "hey, don't eat that whole peice of pie, let's split it", but won't come out and say "you're fat" (shes petite btw). He comes off like such a gentleman, from a good home, clean cut and organized, but very, very anal retentive. I think she believes that he knows what is best for her, and is just trying to help. I don't think she is seeing that he is taking over every aspect of her life. They both need their own friends, their own hobbies, and their own life. </p>

<p>Anyway, I'm getting off topic. But yeah, I totally get your drift.</p>

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<p>Hi, Izz:</p>

<p>It sounds like you have a good friendship with your roommate, and you are showing respect for that friendship by trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation. I understand that you don't want to offend your roommate or cause friction. Hey, this is a common problem, and it's right up there with cleaning and noise issues. You just have to find the right words to express yourself. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, boyfriends kind of trump everybody else. That's just a fact of life, and friends really need to be tolerant, which it sounds like you are already. Even with my own daughter, I've had to set a limit on how much she can have her boyfriend at our house during holiday breaks. He's a nice guy, but she loves him, and we only like him. :)</p>

<p>What has worked for us is to tell her that as much as we really enjoy having her boyfriend here, and he is a great guy, we like doing things with just her. When you talk to your roommate, have a couple of specific things in mind to do together, as friends (a movie, a concert, a campus event, etc.). Just let her know that you're not asking her to choose between her boyfriend and her roommate. Make it sound like you want to do something with just the girls. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Reading this thread brings back some ick memories from my college days and Izz, the more you add in your threads, the more it creeps me out. </p>

<p>I met and started dating this seemingly "great guy". He was from a very prominent family, a member of the best frat and a BMOC around campus. All the girls in my sorority were like, "Oh, you are so lucky, he is so sweet." And he did start out that way, wined and dined me all over the place, said the nicest things, etc. Well, after he reeled me in, he then started trying to control my behavior. It was insidious though, not overt, just small comments about my clothing, friends, food consumption, you name it. He wanted to be with me ALL of the time, and I was IN LOVE, so thought it was the greatest. Eventually, I started isolating myself from my friends and family. He, the man who never said anything unkind began saying things that basically meant "you are not loveable, but I will always love you." I sickly began to believe him. Thank God, I had a really good friend from home who began to call him on all of his crap. She was a lifelong family friend who I trusted implicitly so I listened. I started trying to break away from him and then....he got scary! He would wait outside of my apartment for me and then corner me and not let me in. He even once broke in and my roommate discovered him in our living room. The final straw was when he said that he had to talk to me and stupidly I went alone with him. He shoved me down and sat on me saying that I was crazy not to stay with him, that he would never let me go. SCARY! Luckily it was the end of the school year and I went home for the summer giving us both time and distance. I refused calls, and my parents stepped in and told him to leave me alone. The next year, he moved on to some other poor girl. </p>

<p>This may not at all be your friend's situation, but as other posters have said, that controlling behavior can be the beginning of some ugly things. Be a good friend to her and keep an eye on how things are going.</p>

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<p>I put up with too much of this stuff when I was in college (80s). One boyfriend lived with us in a dorm room for a whole semester. I hope your roomie breaks it off with "the controller." He should not be hanging out in YOUR room when she isn't there. YOU are paying for the room, and he is not YOUR guest. You need to talk with her privately and tell her you are not comfortable with the situation. Find a new roomie if necessary. What if you wanted to be alone with your boyfriend while roomie is working a 3-hour shift? (Invite your boyfriend over, then kick hers out!)</p>