<p>I went to college from 1980-1984--went to a private, highly regarded, private university. I was fortunate that: (1) I went to college at a time when prices were not absurd; and (2) my parents fully funded my undergraduate education (tuition/room/board).</p>
<p>Fast forward to today--I have one son in college at small private liberal arts school, and my youngest daughter will begin school next year. Our net out of pocket costs for our son is approximately $25K per year; he has a merit scholarship that covers about 1/3 of his expenses. My daughter has applied to similar schools and has basically gotten similar deals. I think she would get fine education at any of these schools, and have a very nice college expereince.</p>
<p>However, she has been accepted to one school that has provided her with more limitted FA--total net cost there will be about $42K per year.</p>
<p>My daughter is a good kid; never been an issue--worked hard in school, behaved responsibly, etc. She would like to go the more expensive school--she has not in anyway been demanding about going there. She understands that it is not just about what she wants. I would like to send her, and we could afford the extra 17K per year, but it will mean that we might have to put back our retirement plans, maybe not be able to help out as much if she goes to graduate school, scale back on vacations, etc. We certainly would survive. I feel like she deserves this, but I also feel like it is foolish to pay $70K more over 4 years for an equivalent education that she could get elsewhere. It was easy with my son--he got in to a place that was within our price range, and where he wanted to go. How foolish am I for indulging my daughter? (I know $70K foolish.)</p>
<p>I think others on this board might say differently, but I think if you really can afford it, you’re not being that foolish. Yes, she can get great educations probably for less, but you could say that about the schools that cost $25k per year too. You won’t be able to help her with grad school, but honestly, who is to say what’s in her future with regards to that. Plenty of students fund their own graduate school educations. They pursue public interest student loan repayment programs or they aim for schools with good scholarship or TA opportunities. With undergrad, it’s much more about the sticker price than with grad school. </p>
<p>One thing to consider though is that when your son graduates from college, your costs for your daughter’s are definitely going to go up (because your financial aid calculation will go down), so if you can afford the extra 17k at a stretch, how much room is there for further growth? If that extra 17k is going to stretch the budget to the limit, you might consider not sending her somewhere where you may have to withdraw her after two years. </p>
<p>As for your retirement, your vacations, etc. That’s a call that only you can make. Only you can decide what will be comfortable enough. </p>
<p>Frankly, I think the greatest gift you can give your kids is the best education that they are able to get. It’s the best investment you can make in their future, other than maybe braces If you truly can afford it, I think you don’t always win by going for the cheapest model. That being said, you should also not beggar yourself to pay for a school you can’t afford. Be realistic and tough minded about your finances, and talk to a financial planner if you need more help.</p>
<p>I agree with Smithie, if you can afford it.</p>
<p>We have been paying private high school tuition for the last four years and we have had to sacrifice somewhat. It’s not so terrible.And, at least for us, it appears to have paid off big time as my son has been accepted with huge FA packages at his two top choices.</p>
<p>Whatever you do- do NOT cut back on your retirement funding. Loans can be repaid but retirement funding can never be replaced. This advice has shown up in past years of CC and in many financial publications.</p>
<p>I see no problem with choosing education over vacations or many other luxuries. I do see a problem with sacrificing your future retirement.</p>
<p>Remember- you deserve the same life you want your child to have. You are not preventing your D from obtaining an excellent college experience and future potential by excluding the high priced one. That is a key issue. I’m sure she would feel guilty if her education came at the cost of your quality of life in future years- meaning lacking comfort, not lacking luxuries.</p>
<p>Sounds like you are mature and have raised a mature D. The college application process involves reaching for the stars just in case they can be reached. In your case it sounds like the planets, not just the moon, are in reach although you should rule out that star as it just isn’t worth the price.</p>
<p>Be guilt free about making a logical, sensible decision. Feel great about being able to translate your college education into a lifestyle that afforded a good HS education for your children so that your D can get a good college education as well. A good, or even best, education isn’t about being the most expensive.</p>
<p>What about asking her to carry some of the load? Not sure now if she will be covering her own spending money & books, but at a minimum she could do that. She could also take out some loans – not the full amount, but say $5,000 a year to cover some of it. When given that choice, she may decide the other options look pretty good after all.</p>
<p>The time to ask this question should have been during the application process, not now. It sounds as if your daughter was given the green light to apply. I can’t imagine giving my child the go ahead to apply somewhere within our means (and it sounds like it is in your means with a squeeze and pinch here and there) and then pulling the plug after the fact. Sometime resentment can come with a really high price tag so it is not just about the price of the education.</p>
<p>If you have to cut back on retirement savings, then you cannot afford it. </p>
<p>If you believe you can afford it, I would offer to split the difference with my daughter. Is it worth to her to graduate with 35K debt? Is it worth it to her to have to forfeit financial help for grad school? It may be but you don’t know until you sit down and speak frankly with her.</p>
<p>Edited to add: Staying on budget and knowing your child will graduate with no debt is a sure-fire cure for any parental guilt. At least it has been for us.</p>
<p>Why don’t you sit her down and lay out the reasons you can and cannot do each and find out what she wants you to do, given all the information. You’d be suprised. My sister’s son, when he recognized the “true” cost was really amenable to less expensive options, and even felt very, very mature in making that decision. It kind of catapulted him into part of the adults in the wider family.</p>
<p>Okay… just asking, although this is a bit off topic. I am guessing many parents have cut back on their retirement deposits during the college tuition years. Not completely cut it out, just lowered the amount somewhat. I have. I am still contributing, still managing the retirement savings I have. Just not to the level I was BC (before college). I expect to go back to larger contributions in years with no tuition payments.</p>
<p>Although in some instances price should be a deciding factor at the application stage, for many people it should not be. Most people don’t know the cost of attending until financial aid packages and merit offers have been awarded. While I may not be able to afford a school that costs $55K as a full pay applicant, perhaps I would get a great aid package or other scholarship aid. This is not known at the time of application.</p>
<p>Some days, I feel a little sad that DD picked the great merit scholarship over the top ten big reputation (and BIG $$$) school. However, when she beams about paying her own way through her scholarship, the feeling passes.</p>
<p>Not everyone knows to ask this before or whatnot, and besides, who cares? The time to ask the question is NOW because now is the time you are in. Who cares about yesterday, or “woulda, coulda, shoulda.” Egad. Nobody who starts a thread entitled parental guilt needs to be told they should have…etc…</p>
<p>I think each family has to find an approach that is comfortable, and this approach will be different depending on family objectives and circumstances. </p>
<p>My objective is to fund the cost of college for each of my children above and beyond their own contributions from summer work, work study, and scholarships. I do expect them to spend a reasonable amount of time and effort applying for scholarships. I like the idea of them having some skin in the game, and I also like the idea of them being able to make a post-graduation job choice that isn’t, by necessity, taken because of debt obligations. But I’m not willing to compromise my own retirement either, so this has translated, in our family, to funding the equivalent costs of the in-state public flagship for four years. I am not ashamed to say that the EFC is completely irrelevant to how I think about what I will pay for school. </p>
<p>If they want to go to a pricier alternative, and my oldest daughter did, then they will either have to make up the difference with merit, or with a loan, which I will offer. Options for repayment of a personal loan could include interest / no interest, payments beginning with graduation, taken out of inheritance or, at my discretion, even eventually forgiven. </p>
<p>I know this approach wouldn’t work for every family, but you might want to consider it if you can afford it but not sure if you should. This approach allows for some semblance of fairness, and does give the kids a reason to evaluate the relative value of their school choices, but also gives them choices.</p>
<p>A problem today with agreeing to fund the state school cost is that the difference between in-state public and top-cost private can be $40K and most kids just can’t make up that much difference. This is not a criticism, simply an observation.</p>
<p>I can empathize with you. It’s hard to distinguish priorities between retirement savings and college expenditures, particularly when faced with the “good kid deserves” scenario. However, I do believe there’s no perfect college/university for undergraduates, and that parents’ financial considerations are equally important.</p>
<p>When you need that extra $70,000 (plus interest) twenty years from now for major medical expenses, nursing care, retirement living costs, etc, will you feel comfortable asking your children for financial assistance?</p>
<p>Not knowing your financial circumstances, I would consider structuring the extra cost as a loan to your daughter while offering her the same financial support as afforded your son if possible. However, I would also counsel her that intrinsic value of that extra cost may never be realized. It’s time perhaps for her to make her first adult decision: can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need. (Kudos to Jagger). Otherwise known as “a Mercedes and a Toyota can both get you where you want to go”.</p>
<p>Wow—I genuinely appreciate the thoughtful advice and insight you all have shared. Thank you. Not sure where to begin—we are in a financial situation where we can afford the additional yearly cost. I think my feelings of “guilt” are stem just from that issue—yes, I can afford it (I may need to make some sacrafices to do it), but just becuase I can afford a Mercedes does not mean I need/should buy one. In a way, the prices these colleges charge basically ****es me off, and I am lucky–I have the resources to meet their exhorbitant demands. I can’t image the stress a couple making $50K per year deal with when trying to get their kid into a school costing $55K/year. I don’t feel like I am dooming my daughter to some second rate education if she does not go to her first college of choice—her “back-ups” are all very fine institutions where she can get a good education, but they are not her first choice. I think the idea of making her bear some financial obligation (e.g. student loans) for her decision is a good one–not to overwhelm or punish her, but to make her realize that their are costs/consequences to making decsions–give her some ownership of her decision. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse–we are going to make a trip to her first choice, and a back-up in a couple of weeks. She has not visited either school–who knows, maybe after the visit, her perspective may change, and the back up becomes her first choice.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your advice. And to the poster who suggested all this should have been considered prior to applying–perhaps there is some truth to that, but It was not unreasonable for me to think that choice 1 might have provided some merit aid, thus lowering the cost, and making it more affordable. The last thing I wanted to do was raise her expectations, and then make it impossible for her to see them achieved.</p>
<p>When D1 was applying to colleges, we never considered any scholarship because we were not eligible for FA. We were surprised when she was offered a full scholarship at one of her safeties (a very good LAC). Even though we were fully prepared to pay for her college, we were thinking it would be hard to turn down 35k+ a year. </p>
<p>We asked D1 to carefully consider it. We told her we would use the money saved for her graduate school. D1 said she would very much like to go to the school she is at now, and she offered to pay for 10K a year toward her school of choice. She gave us as much as she could have from her summer job, but there is still quite a bit of balance outstanding. She is graduating this year, with a job waiting for her. To quote her from the orientation week, “It’s like a little bit of heaven on earth.” She’s had a great college experience. As part of her graduation gift, we will forgive the money she still owes us.</p>
<p>FYI - we visited the school that gave her the scholarship twice to make sure we wanted to turn it turn.</p>
<p>When I posted on the first page that these decisions should be made at application time…I probably failed the discussion process by not expanding that. When our kids have applied to financial risk schools…ie…schools we could never afford without aid, we just made sure we had very detailed conversations. “yes, it is fine if you apply to Yale, but if you get accepted, and we receive no financial aide, you either will need to take loans or choose another college.”</p>
<p>But deciding after the fact that you are ****ed that these institutions charge too much money (which most do) just seems a bit unfair, especially when you say you can actually afford it. I am 100% with you tnat we all hope the money fairy will drop us something, anything…</p>
<p>Lets see…21+ years of food and shelter, clothes, trips, American Girl doll(s), birthday parties, prom dresses, all of thoese EC lessons we paid for that she never continued…your kid couldn’t possibly repay you for all of that.</p>
<p>I just hope they don’t leave us at some dumpy nursing homes.</p>
If you truly can afford it, I think you don’t always win by going for the cheapest model. That being said, you should also not beggar yourself to pay for a school you can’t afford. Be realistic and tough minded about your finances, and talk to a financial planner if you need more help.</p>