Parental issues.

<p>Back in 2007, while I was a Junior in High School, Dad pressured me into a joint High School-Community College nursing program because "The line of work would make me big money, and that's what your in college for." Medicine isn't my thing, but being the hormonal, unconfident teenager I was, I went along with it. And for 7 months, I was terrible at it. I had a very good job at the time too, so when I got the stomach to tell him I was going to drop out, I paid for every last cent he spent on me in the program. Granted it left a bad look on my first year GPA.</p>

<p>As 2008 rolled along, I changed over my major to History. I paid half for books and tuition, split it with dad. Then the recession hit, I lost my job and there was no work around here for a few years. And things seemed to go just fine with it, 2 years passed, and I was one class short of my Associates in the Summer of 2010. I walked with my class, and all that good stuff. And I got my Associates Degree in History. When dad saw it was in History, he didn't like it. But to warm things, we take a family trip to Texas, Louisiana and Mississippi that July. MS charmed me, Vicksburg isn't the most prominent place on Earth I'd want to live. But the state of Mississippi wiggled it's way into my heart, and I start thinking of going to college there. Dad doesn't think much of it, and has a strong word or two to say about the large numbers of blacks.. Then, my college wanted my Degree back after I had applied to all these different Universities that summer in 2010. Turns out, I was one math class short, math isn't my strongest subject, but I try. So, added that my Graduation was a bit of a mistake, my dad starts pressuring me to change my major. Whenever I propose something else, it isn't good enough for him. And since by this time he was paying for everything, started to try forcing his hand.</p>

<p>Come Fall 2010, we lost the house, sort of. You see, back then me and dear old Dad used to renovate houses. And since he bought a trailer in the poorer part of town to renovate. Well, he apparently didn't do his homework on the trailer because it was a HUD house. So we were forced to move into it, adding a lot of stress into the matter. At about this time I meet a girl, sweet little redheaded Mormon girl. I'm too shy to talk to her back then, we do chat some, but I start to gain feelings for her. Part of the reason why I am so timid about her, is because her cousin was a friend of mine, and he had cancer, which I'll discuss later. I fail the math class I need at the end of the semester.</p>

<p>Things remain quiet until April 2011, I fail the math class again. One day I see the before mentioned girl crying at a crosswalk and I let her know that I am there for her. It made me feel so good. Later that day, I'm on the computer, and Dad comes storming in screaming at me and accusing my of wasting his money and how my Major is a useless POS and such. I respond in kind and tell him to stuff it, hindsight says, not such a good idea back then. A 6 hour long fight rages into the night with the both of us calling each other terrible things, but it ends with his final loud condemnation of never EVER paying for my History major. I felt defeated.</p>

<p>Fed up with the math class I was in, I test out of it and into a different one over the Summer. I didn't do good at it at first. I got dropped. At this time, my dad's mom. My closest grandmother, her Alzheimer's becomes advanced dementia. Dad doesn't want to move her into a home. So he moves me in. At first it was alright, it felt like a duty. Then it kept getting worse and worse. Her night terrors (some of them were unnerving, like people in her bedroom, or one where I was a demonic monster) and mood swings, and wandering outside of the house while I'm gone become more than I can handle, while re-taking this math class again. I do slightly better in it. I get a D, but I'm so emotionally burnt out from dealing with grandma that I was depressed.</p>

<p>We move grandma into a home in January 2012. And that friend of mine who had cancer, he dies. Just when I was planning to visit with him. I even see his cousin at the funeral. And just about then, grandma doesn't even last 2 months in the nursing home before they tell us to put her in hospice care. And it became just too much for me to handle. I flipped, made a couple bad decisions, I told his cousin how I felt towards her, and she rejected me. And then grandma passes away. All of this in a span of about 3 months. But, at least I pass this math class with flying colors. And get the Associates's degree.</p>

<p>I spent the rest of 2012 in a bad slump. I get a new job, but, I had no money. And since dad was helping pay for my Satellite course classes from ASU, I really don't say much on it.</p>

<p>Until early this year. I bring up the prospect of Graduate School and since dad isn't going to help me after the BA, and since I do have money now. I bring up the idea of going to Ole Miss, Texas and such for my Graduate studies. And he stands so steadfastly against he that he threatens all sorts of things and refers to Ole Miss with terms, offensive, racist ones. And puts it off as such a useless college that I'll waste so much money on in Out-of-State tuition, a useless History major and I'm an idiot for wanting to leave.</p>

<p>Congratulations on getting your AA. Sorry to hear about your grandmother.</p>

<p>What’s your question.</p>

<p>Well. My parents don’t want my going to Ole Miss. For financial reasons. And for racist reasons. And they’ve said a lot about how they feel about racist reasons, because they don’t want me going to a state that just happens to have a lot of blacks. They hated my major, almost tossed me out into the street over it and eventually I moved out for awhile because of family duty (and because I was sick of hearing a lot of their stuff).</p>

<p>Grad School. The option of it, feels as if it is slipping from my fingers. Or possibly already has. And even now, when I’m doing so well in my classes I feel like a basketcase failure. And yes, my undergrad years were filled with disappointment, death and fighting. But I expected better from college.</p>

<p>There are over 3000 Us in the US. It’s not clear from this post whether you have gotten any degree beyond your AA. If you haven’t yet gotten your BA or BS, you still would need to get that BEFORE you even apply to grad school.</p>

<p>It’s not clear what JOB you plan to work at and what you want to DO with your degree. If you have tons of money and time, yes, you can study for the sake of studying. Most folks need to figure out what they want to DO and how to get the training and education that will help them reach that goal. Go to the CC where you got your AA or wherever you are taking more courses. Talk with the career counselor and placement folks, to help you sort out what you WANT to do and have the ability to do well at that can help lead to a job.</p>

<p>Once you have a clear job that you are working toward, the courses and major will become clearer. There are a LOT of Us you can apply to that can get you moving forward, but only after you sit down with an advisor/counselor and help sort out your strengths and your path forward. Good luck!</p>

<p>If you want your parents’ financial help and/or support, you will have to figure out how to compromise and find Us that you both are OK with that are affordable and that you can get in to AND pursue your field toward a job.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, college has its ups and downs. It sounds like you’ve had more than your share of challenges, but it looks like you’re moving forward. Go get some career counseling/coaching and continue moving forward. Do NOT get stuck on ONE school or ONE area of the country that sets your parents up. The US is HUGE and there is a big world out there.</p>

<p>If you have finished your bachelors degree it sounds like a good next goal would be independence. You’d be amazed the satisfaction and self esteem booster you get from a full time job, having your own place (it doesn’t matter if you’re just renting a room!), paying your own bills, and making your own decisions. You do not break ties with your family, but when you have a difference of opinion you are free to listen respectfully and then do what you wish. It’s no longer an oppressive feeling where you live. You have you own space, your own life you are building. You’re at. Perfectly appropriate age to be doing this. Given the history, it sounds like this is a better immediate goal them grad school. Grad school will be there.</p>

<p>FWIW, when communicating on a public forum you can get your point across by stating your father is racist without spelling things out. It really is offensive to people, and I’m sure you don’t mean it to be.</p>

<p>Please state your question(s).</p>

<p>Zonie, when I get into a disagreement with my husband and offer my side of the situation, I often end by saying something like, “Even if you don’t agree with everything I said, ask yourself if there isn’t an element of truth to what I’m saying.”</p>

<p>There may be an element of truth to what your dad is saying. Would you consider that? Or are you intent on rejecting simply everything he’s saying and wanting to expend your energy trying to prove him wrong? While the offensive comments and the ones about a useless history major aren’t winning your dad any points, it sounds like he’s thinking of the practical money side mentioning out of state tuition. In some ways you have to realize he’s looking out for your best interest and wanting you to see the bigger picture.</p>

<p>On the other hand, if you feel you’re an adult, and you have your mind set to go to school where you wish and study what you want, start by revealing less to your dad. When I was in my early 20s, I learned to do that with my family. They always set up roadblocks, criticisms and such which deterred me from reaching goals. When I learned to go about my business privately and not involve them as much, I was more successful. When I knew I was on a better path, then I would let them in on what I was doing and they had less influence over me. </p>

<p>It’s all on how you want to handle it, what your true intentions are and what you want to spend your energy on.</p>

<p>My son was considering a pricey out of state college. Those who lived in the state paid thousands of dollars less for tuition. I asked him, do you want to sit in class next to kids who aren’t racking up the tuition bills like you are? You’ll both be getting the same education but you are spending $8,000 more per year than they are? They would have spending money and be able to go out more. Would it be worth it?</p>

<p>It sounds like you want to get out from under your father’s thumb. Move to Texas or Mississippi and get a job there. You are old enough to go for it. The economy in Texas is strong and you ought to be able to find a good job. The school part will take time since you would be working and going to school, but it is do able. </p>

<p>I would also recommend joining the military. It is a time honored way to get away from a bad situation and get on your feet and start over.</p>

1 Like

<p>zonie. I’m really unclear what information you want. </p>

<p>Your best course of action…get a job. Find your own place to live.</p>

<p>For goodness sakes, you’re 22 years old. Get a job and get out of your parent’s control. You should be doing your own thing now. Move to Mississippi or where ever. Stop waffling around.</p>

<p>I don’t think there IS a question. It is just a vent session.</p>

<p>Agree with others that a 22-year-old who has held down a job and made adult decisions already should move on from worrying what the parents approve of (or don’t).</p>

<p>Yup, another who says it is time to move out and figure out what YOU want to do. Don’t go back to college without a clear goal in sight. Find a job with a big enough company that there might be education benefits. Places like MacDonald’s corporation have education benefits if you put yourself on track as do many national chains. My Son#2 roommate put himself through an out of state public by working for a hotel chain and he moved up from a 3rd shift desk clerk to night manager for 2 hotels in the chain. He’s graduating this year and they’ve offered him a great job - not his field of interest and he turned it down, but he was “independent” from age 18 to now at 21 and managed to pay his room, board and tuition. Back when he was a freshman my money would have been on he’d never “make it.” Turns out he’s the best and most inspiring roommate my son could have ever found. I’ll be cheering as loud as I can when he crosses the podium at graduation. It can be done if you sincerely want the independence and the freedom to choose your own major and path.</p>

<p>I think someone is trying out his college essay or writing this for the sport. the post has too many superfluous (red head mormon girl, HUD house) details for a distraught person seeking advice.
As others have asked- what’s the question?
I think you guys have been punked. Sorry</p>

<p>Yes. Admittedly I was venting.</p>

<p>Now, for graduate school. I’m thinking of taking a gap year before doing it. History and teaching sounds all well and good. I just need to save money first.</p>

<p>And no, I’m not “punking” anybody. The question is. How do I resolve parent issues on finances, my future, and possible scholastic endeavors over a thousand miles away from home when I can’t even get my dad to stop saying the N-word in reference to a certain college?</p>

<p>I know my initial post, long winded, full of sobs. I had a pretty bad night while posting it, being a very long list of fights with the family over college. Most of them ended in loud, unresolved screaming matches. Which in all has made many of my college dreams a disappointment.</p>

<p>So, what I need to ask is. What do I need to do for a GRE, what things should I ask at my campus tour, how do I solve the money problems? Is there some sort of program that can at least help with the tuition provided by the colleges I have in mind. And seeing as how I come from a family that doesn’t have a speck of good scholastic history beyond a Junior Year in high school. I’m the first member of my family to so much as graduate High School in over 30 years. And the first to ever get a Bachelor’s degree as of this May.</p>

<p>What parent issues on finances? If you’ve graduated with a BS or BA then you’re on your own for finances.</p>

<p>Get a job for a few years. See where your current (soon to be) degree is taking you. Think about what and why you want to get a graduate degree. What are your expectations from having it? More money? </p>

<p>I believe you should be paying for graduate school and not expect your parents to help.</p>

<p>Your parents are under no obligation to pay for your graduate degree, and many parents on CC do not. Get a job, save up, and see if you can take one or two classes a year while working.</p>

<p>I’m a little confused. Right now, you have an AA. Why is graduate school already an issue? Yes, if it is part of your long term plans you need to give it some thought, but you need a BA before you start considering GREs or what schools to apply to. </p>

<p>Can you move out of your home and go to your own state school for the rest of your undergrad degree? </p>

<p>^ He will have his UG degree this May.</p>