I was curious if any of you voice your opinion(s) to your kids in helping them to make a final college selection. While the ultimate choice is their’s, if everything has come together as it should, do you interject with pros and cons or keep your thoughts to yourself?
For example, you could have concerns about the academic rigor or it could be as simple as you just don’t see that the school is the best fit for them.
Who’s paying?
We expect to be part of the process. We know more than the kid does. Use our experience. But we do realize he’ll do opposite what we say. 
It is best for the family to arrive at a list of colleges that you apply to, such that there will not be any bad choices to make at decision time May 1. But whether the decision comes at application time, or later on May 1, I do think the parent has the right, and perhaps obligation, to weigh in. Judiciously, if possible. I don’t actually believe the “ultimate choice is theirs.”
I have vastly more life experience than my child. Not giving my opinion would be negligence of parental duties.
I encouraged my kids to go to accepted student visits, and attended (as appropriate for parents) some of the activities with them. We debriefed a bit right afterwards. I think that helped them have a pretty complete view of their schools. But I didn’t let them apply anyplace I wouldn’t let them attend. I was careful not to push them too hard in one direction or another – my dad forced me to go to the college he preferred, and I won’t do the same to my kids.
My parents didn’t contribute a cent to my college so they had no say.
They also barely finished high school and one went to work in a trade and another in a job that only needed a hs diploma.
Not advocating this approach but my parents were clueless so it was on me. There are legitimately times when the parents not weighing in is the best course of action.
I find my advise not being taken all the time. Sometimes I am still right but oftentimes i am wrong. Doesn’t mean that I should be quiet. It still gives a perspective when I am wrong.
On the other hand, I have encouraged my child to always make her own decisions and freely defy me.
I’ve pulled together the Naviance “colleges I’m thinking about” list. Currently it sits at 20 schools (kid is a junior). Periodically I will add colleges to the list for kiddo to investigate. Colleges we both agree that kiddo is applying to he marks as ‘high’ interest. He and I drop and add colleges to the list at any time. So far I’ve only taken colleges off of the list because I know we can’t pay for them. There are three colleges currently on the list that I think the programs are not quite right for him, but I’m willing to let them stay on the list until he figures out that he doesn’t actually want to go. They’re not his top targets, and it’s possible they’ll fall off on their own.
And maybe he will want to go there, I don’t know. We can afford them, they’re not terrible, and I’m not the person deciding fit.
My opinion was in the form of a spreadsheet. After all results were in and financial aid offers received, I created spreadsheets with bar graphs showing the cost of attendance, grants, loans, work study, and remaining out of pocket expenses. There really wasn’t much to discuss after that - it ended up with only a handful of affordable schools and pretty clear what the options were.
My husband and I have helped them with most major decisions in their lives. I see no reason to suddenly enforce a gag order.
Finances are a necessary part of the conversation. One of the schools my daughter was originally interested in is simply too expensive. We talked and it came off the list.
After each school visit with my son-- a man of very few words-- we got into the car and I asked two questions: What didn’t you like? and Can you see yourself attending here? When the answer to the first question was “I think it’s too big” we started looking at smaller schools. When the answer to the second was “This is where I want to go” I sensed we could stop looking.
My daughter is a lot more verbal. So there’s a lot more give and take when we discuss schools.
It’s a discussion, not a mandate. But I think that our input, as adults and as adults who have attended college, should absolutely be part of the decision.
In my son’s case, he is down to the 2 final schools and can make a decision when he has ready (he was accepted to both, they are both pretty similar schools. and we can afford both). He has always had a terrible time making decisions and keeps asking me questions such as ‘Where do you see me? Why should I pick one over the other? Which one should I go to?’
Since I feel that the decision is his to make at this point (we toured both schools and do like and approve of both), my answers have been noncomittal, ‘I can see you at either. You will do well at both- your college experience will be what you put into it. PIck the one where you see yourself the most.’
That being said, I do see one being a better fit for him for a few reasons that really are just my own personal opinion. But I don’t want to influence him and/or pick one for him. It’s a huge decision and just one of the first adulting, independent moments that he will have many more of as he heads off to school.
For each kid I had a favorite and they each knew. But the kids didn’t apply anywhere I didn’t think would work for them so the decision where to go was theirs to make.
We also kept a spreadsheet for all of the colleges she applied for. Cost of attendance was one important column. My daughter made her final decision after attending 3 accepted student days (which I also went to with her). I simply told her to pick the one of the three where she felt she would fit in best. She definitely made the right choice (which my husband and I both agreed with).
I think it’s important to help them in selecting the criteria. What do they like or dislike. You know your kid. Would s/he really be happy at a urban school if they don’t like the city (that type of stuff). You also know what’s affordable. Once a criteria list is built, based on guidance and your input (for me that involves more asking then telling to test their seriousness. Think of it like the “eye doctor test” - do you like A or B - Greek Life or not, big lectures or small classes, urban or suburban, etc.), I think it’s up to them to choose where they want to attend.
We had S write a pro and con list of each admitted school. Once we got past the financial conversation, and he understood what he would need to contribute, it became about really clarifying what was important to him and understanding trade offs. That was helpful in narrowing the list to two and then visiting each again for admitted students day. At that point, it was totally up to him. We just helped him get there.
My ultimate dream is that she will have 2 or 3 choices that she is happy with and we are ok with the money numbers. At that point I feel it should be her decision. If she asks for my opinion I will certainly give it. I doubt she will ask.
If she gets into a favorite or two and the numbers aren’t there we will have to be involved. She knows this already, knows we need to get some aid as we cannot be full pay. But I am afraid emotions will take over if she gets the acceptance.
So hard because we are middle class, the donut hole, so need them to consider that we have need.
If anyone has a good spreadsheet they would like to share I would love it
Like @calmom we are all about the spreadsheet. Ours included all of his criteria (location, could he run track there, good econ/business program, etc), avg ACT and GPA from his HS, GPA/ACT ranges from school, net cost for one year and four years. (There was a separate worksheet that calculated this out for each school since they fudge the $ amount on what you can live on.) For different reasons came down to three schools, one of which was significantly less expensive than the others and better met his other criteria. I simply put the three schools in a grid on the whiteboard in our basement and let him mull it over and make the final choice.
My wife and I prefer our son’s safety school, a CTCL school that offered a big scholarship. However, he unexpectedly got into a specialized program that we considered a reach. The financial aid figures should be out soon, so we’ll know if it’s an option then. That’s what he wants, so if the money is there he can go. We’re glad that the scholarship at the other school will still be good if he transfers, unless his grades really crater.
We were part of the process to select colleges to apply to…our kids applied only to colleges we agreed to…which really wasn’t an issue. We had some very nice discussions about possible applications. Any “concerns” or “restrictions” were given before applications were sent.
That’s when we offered our opinions.
Once the applications were sent…and acceptances received…we left our kids alone unless they specifically asked our opinions about something.
And yes…we were paying.
I leave my opinions out unless asked. I try to make sure the relevant facts are being considered. The last thing I would want is her decision influenced by my opinion become an unpleasant experience…and a 5th or 6th year of tuition.