Parental Role in College Choice -- Personal Input

Parents Forum
1

<p>Wanted to take a few brief moments to share my personal thoughts on an issue that perhaps other parents may be encountering (or at least considering during those late night "thinking sessions") -- how involved to be in helping your child decide upon a college and/or voicing concerns about the college selected.</p>

<p>For six months, I have allowed my child to make "the decision" -- which school was the right fit not only in terms of academics/curriculum, but in terms of environment, peers, activities...all of it. My gut from the start was saying "wrong" but given everything I heard and read about allowing your college-age student to have control...to demonstrate their decision-making capabilities...to know what is right for them, I decided to do something that went against that wonderful internal mechanism that is what parenting is all about...using your "parental gut" to guide you.</p>

<p>After periodic monitoring of situations -- everything from hearing about occasional assignments to asking about school activities -- and reaching the end of the fall semester, this parent finally returned to that navigation device of my parental gut and said enough. In less than 72 hours, a change was made and spring semester will be a new day. Is this the right decision? No way to tell. Should this decision have been made sooner? Can't look back. Have I been able to refocus on what I believe is an appropriate college that matches my child's interests, abilities, talents, and goals? You bet.</p>

<p>All this to say, for any parent/s who have read this far...if your gut is telling you "no", if your gut is saying this is the wrong place/wrong school/wrong environment...and if your gut is questioning this decision every day, go with your gut. You have raised this child successfully from infancy to this point and while we as parents certainly make our share of mistakes, you know -- deep down inside your heart -- what is right. </p>

<p>With everything that has transpired over the past six months, I can say with complete certainty that while there are risks and benefits with every decision, we as parents have the life experience and wisdom which means we say no -- even if the decision is not a popular one at the time -- to something we know is wrong. College is the first step into the real world, true, yet as I overheard a parent say, "Just because my child has turned 18 does not mean that they are fully capable of making this decision." Could not agree more.</p>

<p>I know there are parents who will disagree because every situation -- and every child -- is unique. Yet for those parents who are questioning, my heartfelt recommendation remains...go with your gut.</p>

2

<p>Pianomom - thank you for sharing your story.</p>

<p>I think about this a lot, too. I’m wondering how you feel about the timing of your decision - are you thinking you wish you had intervened before the semester became problematic? Or are you glad you let your child have a try at what they thought they wanted before making the change? How would your child describe how these decisions were made?</p>

<p>You sound like a very caring and thoughtful parent who was trying to look at the big picture throughout the whole process. We all have our times when we feel the situation in danger of serious damage, no matter how much our philosophy is to let the kids make their own mistakes.</p>

<p>I’ve always said I don’t want to take credit for their successes, nor blame for their failures. I think I’d rather let my kid try something that seems iffy to me, and then make a change based on actual instead of hypothetical experience, but really I don’t know. I think in the long run I’d like them to have internalized the decision themselves, even if I did step in and “help” more than I’d planned (and that has happened).</p>

<p>I think any people in a relationship, no matter what their ages, sometimes have to “save someone from him/herself” when things are out of control. Also, when the parent is paying for something like school, the parent can draw a certain line. </p>

<p>This is an important discussion for all of us - especially after the recent story posted of the long leave of absence a student took, and what it meant to the parent to let her find her own way. I’m sure there was freedom, but also a point where the parents had to say “no, we can/can’t support this or that.” </p>

<p>Keeping sight of the big picture is essential. Life is long, and many things can happen. We’d just like to feel like it’s generally a forward-moving process. At these times, I ask myself, what would I regret if I do or do not take action? The answer is not always clear, but usually I can find what’s most important to me in a given situation. I could definitely see myself in your shoes at some point.</p>

<p>Best wishes.</p>

3

<p>Pianomom12, I was a little confused by your post. At first I thought you were talking about what level of involvement a parent should have in making choices of what colleges their child should to apply to or to decide to attend. But after reading more carefully, it sounds as if you are talking about a situation in which the student chose which college to attend, and by the end of first semester, the parent decides that the student should not attend that school anymore. Is that what you are talking about? If so, I guess that in that situation, a parent might in hindsight wish that there had been more parental involvement during the application process/decisionmaking. </p>

<p>I know that there are some people on CC who talk negatively about “parental micromanaging” and “helicopter parents” - but everyone does not share that point of view. Assuming your son/daughter is studying music (based on your screen name), I think it is especially challenging for students to understand and weigh all the aspects/nuances that would go into picking a program/teacher with the right fit and affordability. </p>

<p>So I would much rather have some input from the outset rather than to have to “pull the plug” financially or wait for a really bad outcome like suspension unfold if it was clear from the beginning that the fit was bad. I think there are certain schools (e.g., NYU, Berkelee come to mind) that have such allure for certain students that anything else would pale in comparison. I hear many students talk about being in love with one perfect school and sometimes it turns out different than expected. The truth is, there are probably a number of colleges that would be a good fit for most students. Sorry for rambling, I guess I would conclude by saying that unless a family is independently wealthy and has a very mature and insightful son or daughter applying for college, I think some parental guidance and even limits (e.g., on an obvious bad fit or one that is unaffordable) would be reasonable. I know many people on CC would disagree strongly with this, others would agree. Hope things work out better with your student’s future college experience.</p>

4

<p>Sorry, I don’t get the story. All I’ve seen above is a child made a decision and a parent countermanded it. Not to say that wasn’t the appropriate thing to do, but there is no story to read except parents use your gut. I think the best synopsis for information and advice is YMMV.</p>

5

<p>What did you find so objectionable about the first school?</p>

6

<p>EmmyBet…thanks for your thoughtful insights. To answer further, I’m somewhat on the fence at the moment about whether I wish I had intervened earlier or whether allowing this first semester to unfold was appropriate. I think a little time and distance from this previous school and seeing my child settle into a new environment will give me greater clarity. Important to say as well…this change had nothing to do with grades (strong GPA) or anything regarding discipline – it was completely related to this school, its program, the environment, and things unrelated to my child’s progress.</p>

<p>I think my child would say that there is a combination of regret and relief. Regret that another choice was not made last spring when several college acceptances arrived and perhaps another choice should have been made and relief that a “kinder/gentler” plan for the spring is forthcoming. I also think there is a bit of regret about a course or two that would have been part of spring semester classes that now will no longer be part of the plan (at least not for this semester).</p>

<p>Your self-question about whether you would regret your decision is incredibly wise – it’s part of our parental gut – looking at a situation from multiple perspectives and truly questioning the reasons behind our decisions. This also goes back to what I said earlier…we do make mistakes as parents (and in life) yet it’s how we recover from these mistakes that matters most.</p>

<p>And…I loved what you said about “saving them” from themselves. This is precisely where we as adults (not adults in terms of turning 18 or 21 but adults in terms of life experience) need to exercise our judgment and to say no if we believe yes is the wrong answer. We all know that parenting is not a popularity contest but rather a journey to instill the best values we can in our children <em>and</em> to ensure their safety. And yes, safety was one of the issues here albeit from outside sources.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you as well.</p>

7

<p>rigaudon…Not sure how to respond to several responses on the same post so apologies for several separate responses…</p>

<p>Yes, this original post was about a student selecting a college and the parent (i.e. me) deciding to pull the plug after the first semester was over and after listening to my greatest guidance…my parental gut. Believe me…there was hours of discussion and parental involvement before the decision was made yet it was because I fought with myself and convinced myself to pull back and not push the decision to the college I felt was the appropriate choice that the decision to end the madness now happened.</p>

<p>You are 100% correct about schools like Berklee (was a top choice), NYU and others. Wonderful schools (as many are) yet students often adopt an “it’s this school or none” perspective and it’s very difficult to break them loose from this thinking. And yes, music was the only focus yet is not at this time.</p>

8

<p>Erin’s Dad…apologies however what it YMMV? Guess my parental gut is less savvy on internet abbreviations than it is in selecting colleges… ;-).</p>

<p>And Youdon’tsay…there were a host of things objectionable. The program, the curriculum, the environment, the location, the facilities…suffice to say it was not simply one thing.</p>

9

<p>As is sometimes the case in these threads, the facts are too vague to enable me to either (a) praise you for stepping in when a hard decision needed to be made or (b) condemn you for helicopter parenting and pulling your kid out of a school where he was doing well.</p>

10

<p>YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary</p>

11

<p>Pianomom - share only as much as you want to about your situation, of course. Even an abstract discussion is helpful, since we all have our own experiences.</p>

<p>I haven’t been faced with quite the same situation as you have - usually I am saved at the last minute by my kids’ realizing on their own that something has to change, or sometimes events unfold that make a change necessary.</p>

<p>During D2’s HS we did have a moment where we felt a choice she was making - that for all intents and purposes should have been something good - was going terribly wrong, mostly because of a teacher’s behavior and attitude. Our D said she was going to stick with her plan, no matter what. We said we would stand by her, but that we were watchful and would not allow it to continue if she were in danger of real hurt. In the end in that case the teacher pulled them plug for us, which indeed was real hurt, but didn’t require us to make a decision at least. In a couple of other activities we have had the opportunity both to pull her from something that we felt was harmful to her well-being, no matter how much she wanted to keep persevering, and also to let her continue in something that in retrospect we should have pulled her from. </p>

<p>So far in the college decisions we haven’t had this issue - we were very happy with D1’s choice and she also has been very happy. Of course she’s had her rough times in the 4 years, but never because it wasn’t a good place. Just sometimes school is hard.</p>

<p>D2’s application choices are all fine with us. They have their differences and will provide her with many choices. I have a few preferences, but I don’t think she will take any dangerous risks by going to any of them. She may find afterwards that there are things that go wrong, and she will be entitled to transfer or take a leave if that’s necessary. If I’m concerned about her mental or physical health, I would pull her from school. Can I imagine that? I can’t, really, but I know I would act. I don’t think I would insist on a change because of my own feelings of the “quality” of her education (if she were happy), or how practical her choice is, or anything. I’m not accusing Pianomom of this, but I know some parents do have strong opinions about that and would exert pressure.</p>

<p>There were times as she was exploring what she wanted that I felt deep inside that she was not looking in the right direction; I am relieved that a year or so ago she did discover what she truly loved. Some of the previous paths would have been hard for me to support fully. But I think I would have let her try - education involves learning what you don’t want, I believe. Again, I think only if she were in some danger of mental or physical hurt would I step in.</p>

<p>I think it’s also important that your child did let you know what was going on and seems to have been part of the decision process. There are stories of kids who are crashing and burning but the parents never find out (most of us know a kid like that, now or in the past). It says a lot about your relationship that you understood what was going on and could address it. I would hope I could be in that position if my child were having severe problems at school.</p>

<p>I think the permission to make a fresh start is a very important element in a happy life. I do think that taking the wrong path for a bit is sometimes important to know what is right or wrong for yourself. I think if my kid had an element of passion about something that I felt was iffy or even wrong for her, I’d probably still let her try. I always told my kids that they could do anything that meant something to them - only if they were blase about it or hurt by it would I insist that they stop or make a change. And it didn’t have anything to do with how “good” they were at it, either. I don’t really think that way - I think passion drives success in the long run and that there’s room for everyone (no Olympic athlete standard in my philosophy).</p>

<p>I’m happy to hear more stories. This issue extends past college - what about BFs/GFs we’re not happy with? What about jobs? This time in their lives is when we pull back, but clearly we can’t do that 100% of the time. We’re still parents.</p>

12

<p>Yeah, the fundamental dishonesty of this account makes me unwilling to trust it. There are plenty of valid reasons why the OP may not want to give actual details, but I’m not going to accept her lecture on faith, either. Things like this are fairly common – a parent has assimilated the notion that children should make some decisions for themselves, but when a child makes what the parent considers a “wrong” decision, the parent can’t accept it and proceeds to undermine the child.</p>

<p>It’s a risky, risky game. Maybe you can get away with it, once, with an 18- or 19-year-old. Try it too often – and sometimes once is too often – and you can be left with a severely damaged relationship for the rest of your life. And that’s whether or not you succeed in imposing your idea of the right choice.</p>

<p>That’s not what happened here? Maybe so, maybe no.</p>

13

<p>Sorry for the double post.</p>

<p>JHS - I agree with you about the risks. I really, really want my kids to feel like what they did with their lives was because of THEM. H and I made the decision long ago regarding BFs that we’d unconditionally like anyone our girls dated - unless we felt they were being abused in some way. Why be the reason your kid makes a life change? They’ll only blame you if it goes wrong, and even if it goes great, then they’ll think they never could have succeeded without you.</p>

<p>BUT here we’re talking about if there are exceptions. Probably there are … and I think it’s worth considering hypothetically and being prepared for.</p>

14

<p>All true. But without a lot of details – which of course it is the OP’s prerogative to withhold – it’s not worth discussing how you tell when to intervene and when not to. I had a great relationship with my parents when I was a kid (and to a large extent still do). They set parameters around my college choice in advance, and I lived with that. But, still, they disagreed with my decision. And they disagreed with my law school decision even more. And they really disagreed with my girlfriend/fiancee/spouse decision. I can just imagine my mother reading Pianomom’s advice and acting on it. We might not have spoken in the past 30 years.</p>

<p>In each case, by the way, their position was based on inadequate and perhaps outdated information, and on their guts. My decisions were based on more complete information (at least according to me) and on MY gut. I was right.</p>

15

<p>To my sons I have and will say that they have an incredible opportunity to attend college and be only responsible for a small amount of the cost. That is our gift to them. What they do with that gift is up to them. They can waste it (oh, how I hope and pray they do not waste it) or they can make the most of it, or something in between. </p>

<p>My idea of success may not line up with theirs and my timeline may not lineup either. </p>

<p>There is no more money coming from us and no matter what, we will always love them. We just ask that whatever they do with their lives that they maintain the character they were raised to have. </p>

<p>Control is an illusion, especially when it comes to your college age kids. Love them. Let them take chances and learn from their mistakes.</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>Amen. Can you provide some more context? </p>

<p>I think there is much to be said for trusting one’s gut … but when my kids had gut reactions to schools, I also tried to get them to articulate what they heard / saw / observed that led them to that gut reaction. For two given schools (Haverford and Mt Holyoke) I think my kids each “gut-reacted” negatively to something that was rather trivial in the scheme of things – which they were entitled to do, but they needed to at least be aware that their gut reactions might be based on something not particularly sound. </p>

<p>What was the gut reaction you had based on? And were you talking reasonably-similar caliber schools academically?</p>

17

<p>Hmm, I recall the OP’s posts on this prior to her kid starting at this school in the fall. As I recall, she has been vehmently opposed to the school her kid chose from the beginning. I believe the kid is a music performance major, and based on my readings of past postings, OP is heavily invested in the child’s success.</p>

<p>OP, I really don’t see specifics in here about your child’s actual reaction to this. Did he ask to change? Or did you inform him he was changing, and insist on the move (possibly applying financial pressure to ensure that it happened)?</p>

18

<p>I would also add that if you are going to play the role of forbidder of certain schools, the time to do is before applications go out. I think it’s far better to take a school off the table before apps go out, than to have an acceptance in hand and then the parent take it off the table. I didn’t let my kids apply to any school that I wouldn’t be reasonably fine with them attending.</p>

19

<p>

</p>

<p>Amen. Put your parental cards on the table before applications go out. </p>

<p>And to pull the plug on a school after a single semester? To my mind, something absolutely egregious has to be happening to warrant that action. Rock bottom grades, substance abuse, out-of-control gambling. Something that bad.</p>

20

<p>I come in on the side of being willing to supervise and direct because college related decisions affect the life path in a huge, almost irrevocable, way.</p>

<p>My older brother is now in his early 50’s. He has never had a family supporting job: no security, no health benefits, no retirement, paid maybe $10-12/hr. In large measure, it is because he floundered a bit in a freshman science class, and my father invoked the “he needs to learn from his choices” mantra. Bro ultimately got a degree in theatre production from a state agriculture college–a combination with zero prospects for employability, moved back to a small town, got married, and has bobbed in and out of poverty ever since. The rest of the family occasionally provides infusions of cash and free hand-me-down cars to keep them from ending up homeless/jobless. My bro is neither lazy nor dumb, but you can’t support a family on $10/hr when health care is coming out of your pocket.</p>

<p>In retrospect, my father regards his hands off strategy as one of his great mistakes (and he had hundreds of employees throughout his career, so that is not a trivial conclusion.)</p>

<p>Another tidbit—
Recent neuro research shows that the portion of the brain controlling judgment is not fully developed until the mid-20s. So while 18 year olds look like adults, and certainly think of themselves as adults, their judgments may not be.</p>