<p>So no one in my family has gone away for college. For example my cousin had a baby at 17 so she went to night school, and my other 2 cousins commuted to school because they live in the city. In my dad's country students don't go away for college at all. So the idea that I want to go away for college is something that seems surreal to him. </p>
<p>He is constantly saying and asking me that why if I've had such a good life at home do I need to go away? He keeps saying that when I'm in college if I live at home I'll have the freedom of coming and going as I please but I don't think he understands it''s that it's not the same thing. And then when I try to explain that to him he'll say he doesn't think I'm ready because my room is a mess. (Which honestly it isn't, just my mirror cause I have like 400 bottles of lotion and perfume and body spray- stuff which I don't plan on keeping anyway.)</p>
<p>And then this past week I visited 2 schools upstate and he didn't even ask me what I though of them, I think he's afraid I liked them and they're "SO far away". (BTW the school i DID like is 2.5 hours away.)</p>
<p>Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can explain to him that I want to leave to grow up and be independent and it has nothing to do with having a bad life in ways that don't involve me just coming out and saying it, cause I've tried.</p>
<p>Also has anyone gone through the same thing?
Sorry this is so long, but I appreciate any and all help :)</p>
<p>I can afford to go away for college. Schools I am looking at are not “CC typical” many of them are SUNY/CUNY schools actually, plus a school I received a scholarship for which will leave me to pay only 10k a year.</p>
<p>Jazzii – Are you a junior? If so, you have another year to convince him that you’ll be safe, happy and capable on your own. Parents worry about their children, and your dad is no exception.
Do you have other relatives or a family friend that can help explain how things are different here, and that most children do leave home for college?</p>
<p>^agree, but assuming that $ is not an issue - jazzii, think beyond what your dad is <em>saying</em> to what he is <em>thinking.</em> For example, some parents (esp. immigrants, but not only) are worried that their child will act “inappropriately” in college - which could be drinking, dating, dressing immodestly, whatever they (and/our their culture) consider inappropriate. What is he really worried about?</p>
<p>No, he’s just worried about me leaving. I really don’t know. He always says he knows I won’t be dumb cause I’ve never given my parents a reason to not trust me. I think he may just believe I’m not ready to go away…</p>
<p>I’m thinking that he’s thinking that he doesn’t want you to leave because he’ll miss you, and he’s trying to think of excuses to make you stay, so when you talk to him, I would approach it with that in mind. Also, it’s all that he knows, so you’ll have to talk to him as a mature adult in order to convince him that you’re ready to be on your own. Try to remain calm and not get argumentative - he may see that as immature behavior, which will work against you.</p>
<p>^^ I agree. I didn’t have any idea how hard it was on my parents when we all went away to school until I began facing it with my own children. My dad told me as he dropped me off, “I haven’t been this sad since my father died.” I had no clue how deeply I would come to understand those words. Do your parents have adult friends with whom you could speak? Maybe someone who has kids older than you are who have gone away to college? May be worth a shot… Good luck. I do believe moving out for college, when its practical, is a huge and exciting step in growing up, but I’m sure dreading it happening on a personal (mommy) level!</p>
<p>First, reassure him that you love him, will phone and visit. If we’re talking Dad and daughter, that’s sometimes half the issue, just making sure he knows you’re not rejecting HIM by wanting to go away.</p>
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<p>Second, I hear a lot about immigrant families who look at whether or not the daughter keeps the room straight as a litmus test for maturity. The family understands it’s their responsbility to train the children to manage a good domestic environment before they release them into the larger world. Once that meant marriage, today it means higher education, but either way, the few immigrant parents I actually know today are highly upset over the daughter’s rooms. I’m not judging it, I’m just reporting it. (disclosure: my grandparents were all immigrants and I knew them very well; we grew up as 3 generations essentially).</p>
<p>It’s as if the parents don’t think your training by them is finished until you know how to handle your domestic environment. And a very messy room signals (to others, maybe not to you…) a messy mind. So why not hit that ball back into his court by just getting rid of all the lotions you think you’ll throw away in a year. It will probably take you 15 minutes. If his comments about your mirror also hold true for you bookbag, locker and more, then you’d be wise to take his guidance. Next year, when you have to write up these applications (you’re a junior, right?), you’ll need to be very organized to meet all those deadlines. So get your environment in shape now.</p>
<p>That’s my suggestion. Please know that I was not great at keeping my “room” straight until my mid-20’s, so I didn’t practice what I’m now preaching atcha. Still, to handle your Dad, this might be one important thing to hear and respond his way. He’s actually correct.</p>
Yes - there are lots and lots of threads on CC that sound similar to yours - especially when the parents are from another country - especially an Asian country.</p>
<p>So you parents moved awY from their country of birth for better opportunities. Play that card just a little. But play it.</p>
<p>Also, do what batlio said. Prove you are growing up. Help out. Be gracious. Thank you parents for coming to America so you can have this chance. Try and get some part time work. He is not saying no, he is being a dad. </p>
<p>Do a spring cleaning, volunteer, learn about your homeland and it’s culture. Often parents feel their children will lose touch with their bsckground and history, so ask Jim to tell stories, go to events, see if there is a club at the school you can join that is related.</p>
<p>Part of growing up is to listen and learn and negotiate and recognize that people have good points, even if we don’t agree, and a wee bit of honey with your dad can go a long way.</p>
<p>Not all immigrant parents are this clingy; DD1 is in college 3 hours away - and I’m grooming DD2 for college even further away (and further South :)).</p>
<p>For the life of me, I can’t understand why one would pass living in a mansion and commuting rather than living in a Soviet-designed-and-built (just about) dorm hours away. But that’s just me :).</p>