Parents angry about rejection letter

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>Are any parents feeling like they are going through stages of grief regarding their child's rejection to a favorite school? My child filled out their application on their own, and now I hear stories about "coaching" etc. </p>

<p>What happens when you play by the rules, and at the end of the day there are no rewards for it?</p>

<p>I know it is not the end of the world, but it is the end of a dream that you can't share with the public. </p>

<p>Anyone else miss the thrill of thinking about the dream coming true?</p>

<p>I can't concentrate at work right now!</p>

2

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By that, do you mean some people hire professional education consultant to help them write their applications and/or private tutor for standardized tests?</p>

3

<p>Tutors for testing doesn’t bother me, but those that have someone else fill out or personally help their child write the essay, particulary bothers me. I am hearing about kids that got into the school with this kind of help.</p>

4

<p>I did not have private testing tutoring done, since my child tests well. I wouldn’t have considered the school, if I thought they needed all the extra push to get in. I know the admissions process is a game and luck and strategy are involved…but where do you draw the line with integrity and honesty?</p>

5

<p>And like I said, I can’t shake this depression. The whole family is affected by this. And yes, finances, mid life crises, living through your child, wanting the best for your child, knowing that there are many pathways to happiness, etc are all playing a role…I am just stunned at how much this bothers me…I always stated, “I just want to know the results…I am tired of waiting.” Now I wish I could go back and just wait again…</p>

6

<p>I think it is unfair that some kids get lots of help from their parents but I guess that’s just the way it is. Personally, I navigated this procces almost entirely on my own (I’m 14) and was lucky enough to be accepted at my first choice. I realise I was very lucky though. May I ask what school you’re speaking about?</p>

7

<p>Roxbury Latin</p>

8

<p>Ah, I don’t know much about that being a boys school and a Boston school. Does that mean your son is in 6th grade? If so he could always apply to boarding schools later on. I am sorry though, it seems plenty of really great kids were rejected from schools this year.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for the encouragement! I am thinking of boarding school down the road. And probably RL again. I know that parents “cheat” all the time, and it is not a school’s fault.
But then again, it is a subjective game, and a little luck is usually involved. There are always many fine schools with too many applicants…I just have sour grapes! I will get over it, but can’t believe how much this knocked me out. My kid? He’s fine. He’s better adjusted about the whole thing,of course!..</p>

10

<p>I went through the grieving process last year when my daughter was rejected from a BS. So did she. We probably gained 10 pounds from eating comfort food and ginger ale in one weekend.</p>

<p>Having said that - she only applied to one school. And somehow I took the rejection as an indictment of my kid. And frankly, I was a little embarrassed because her teachers all knew, for sure that she was going to get in based on her performance in their classroom.</p>

<p>But they embraced her with open arms and wrote new recommendations this year. This year she applied to 6 schools out of 7 or 8 she researched. She was accepted by two amazing schools and waitlisted the top school in the country.</p>

<p>She filled out all her applications on her own, bugged her teachers for recommendations, made all the appointments for her interviews, hand wrote her own essays (warts and all) made a spreadsheet, etc.</p>

<p>Still - we knew there were going to be no guarantees. And we knew it would devastate us if the schools came back and said no. So I prepared her for that outcome and she said “then I’ll just stay at my current school and work on getting into Harvard.”</p>

<p>That’s the attitude that propelled her into school this second round.</p>

<p>Schools admit that a tiny percentage of kids have help on their applications. That’s why so many ask for a writing sample. Because it can show the difference between the essay and a sample the student wrote for glass (ours had to show the grade). And yes - some students also get prepped for SSAT for several years and have writing coaches. Those students also skew the test scores.</p>

<p>But I will tell you a lot of those students get rejected because the coaching becomes obvious in an interview. Schools aren’t looking for “perfect” they’re evaluating the whole resume which is why kids with less than perfect scores get into schools that have rejected some students who look more stellar on paper.</p>

<p>I would say - grieve - pig out - burn the school in effigy if you must. Then apply again and broaden your reach. OR - get on the phone and find out of any schools are still doing rolling admissions. I know one dad on the forums did just that and had good results.</p>

<p>I’m on two interview teams. Don’t take it personally. When there are thousands of applications to go through, sometimes a perfect candidate for the school doesn’t make the cut because there just isn’t enough space. It’s as gut wrenching for an admissions team to make that decision as it is for a parent to receive the news. Because admissions teams are not homogenous blobs. Each has their favorites and preferred candidates. But what do you do when you have 2000 steller applications for 150 slots?</p>

<p>In the words of Galaxy Quest (the movie) Never Give Up. Never surrendor.</p>

<p>(but do pig out. It is a helpful grief exercise)</p>

11

<p>I wonder if some of your fears might be unjustified, particularly with respect to parents writing or heavily editing their kid’s essays. For at least some of the top schools, the SSAT essay is “ground truth” for an applicant. If the student’s submitted essays don’t match their SSAT essays in style and general grammatical quality, that sets off a red flag for the school. You know, the Admissions Offices in these schools have been doing these kinds of evaluations for many years, and they’ve seen just about everything. Not much slips by them. I believe they’re highly adept at detecting excessive parent “contributions.”</p>

12

<p>Admissions can tell which applicants have help and which do not! Same with college apps. They take that into consideration. I think test scores, GPA, recs, and activities tell a holistic picture of how well the applicant will fit into the community the school is trying to build.</p>

13

<p>GladToBeHere- you just can’t take it personally, although I know that is easier said than done. There is a 2nd or 3rd tier prep school near us that is very popular with the locals, and alumni. They routinely turn down great kids with straight A+ averages, and take athletes, siblings and alumni children who are in need of remedial services. Is it fair? No, but they’re a private school, and never promised to base their admissions on academic merit. I think that it’'s much easier to tell the difference between an adult’s work and an 8th grader’s, and they do actually compare it with the essay on the SSAT. One of my kids was offered the best FA at a school where they told us we wouldn’t get FA, so she scribbled her essays in different colors! You just never know what schools are looking for or what they base their decisions on- you can’t beat yourself up over this.</p>

14

<p>This is for college admissions, not prep school but here it is (my parent):</p>

<p>Last year our oldest applied to six very highly ranked schools, one of which he had a legacy relationship with through two parents, two grandparents, an aunt and an uncle. It was his top choice, and he felt quite assured that with his outstanding academic record and ECs, he would be attending this Fall. He took the lead on his own application, refusing parental oversight and advice, and really went off track with his essay. Not only was he denied by this school, but also 3 of the others (and waitlisted by one). It was a lesson, if not for him, for the parents and younger brother coming up behind. Stay really involved and let you more mature reflections help guide and support them.</p>

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<p>Be careful, GladToBeHere, that you don’t assume that all kids who make it in got tutoring and coaching. As other posters have mentioned, admissions can sniff those out. </p>

<p>Last year, my son was WL at Groton for 8th grade. It was difficult for him, but more so for me because I had to deal with how to keep him challenged at his current school for another year. In retrospect, I’m glad that he wasn’t admitted last year because he had the opportunity to look at so many other schools that weren’t an option for 8th grade entry. </p>

<p>This year, I have repeated to myself “trust the process” many many times. I will be saying that same thing next year with my daughter. Please appreciate that there is a certain amount of randomness that goes along with the process when the vast majority of applicants would thrive at top schools (Like RL). Out of the six highly selective prep schools that my son wrote applications for, he was only admitted outright to one. L’ville and SPS denied him and he was WL at Groton (again!), Hotchkiss and Andover (I think it was a WL at Andover. Could have been deny. I honestly don’t remember. It wasn’t an acceptance so that was the end of reading the letter.) What made him admissable at Exeter but not L’ville? Who knows? He had a much better interview at Exeter but that just comes down luck of the draw for who you get. Perhaps he is better suited to Exeter than Groton for social reasons? Again, I don’t know. I have trusted the process.</p>

<p>I have only shared responses from top ten schools because RL is very much in the same league with regard to applicant pool. My son’s academics (while exceptional by national standards) did not make him stand out at the top schools - most applicants have those stats - but they may have at the other schools to which he was accepted.</p>

<p>So, why Exeter out of that top group? I guess he’s just the “type.” I still scratch my head every once in a while at his results. So much of it seems to be the luck of the draw.</p>

<p>Try not to be angry. I remember being angry last year, but not at Groton. I was angry at his current school for putting him in a damaging academic situation on a regular basis. I like Grotonalum’s suggestion to burn the school in effagy. That made me LOL.</p>

<p>Hang in there and try his luck at boarding school down the road. He may be perfectly suited for it. And if he is, he will have a much better chance of finding a place.</p>

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<p>To some extent. But just remember we’re just as astute at determining if there is a difference between the person at the interview and the person on the application. Too much “influence” can also have a negative affect.</p>

<p>The truth is - if your child is not ready to do college apps on their own (with minimal guidance) they aren’t ready for college. The application process is a test for the student, not for the parent. I feel the same for 10-12th graders (I give a pass for 9th graders).</p>

<p>Which is why - at least for BS - we didn’t prep our daughter. We wanted her to be admitted to a school where she will fit in without a parental crutch (which won’t be available when she’s boarding) instead of being admitted to a school where she’ll always be chasing an “imaginary” person who could have appeared on the application if we had prepped her.</p>

<p>My daughter is a double legacy, was turned down by my school - and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Because the choices she got were still top schools and a much better fit for the kid I am sending.</p>

<p>So just beware that some parents don’t know the difference between controlling the process and nurturing it. It’s a fine line - but many of us can tell when it’s crossed.</p>

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<p>Ha! I’ve already warned mine that they’ll be on their own for college!</p>

<p>I agree with what you’ve said about applicants presenting themselves honestly. It makes all the difference in the world, not just in the admissions decision-making process, but in where a kid will thrive once admitted. Son did ask for my opinion about why he wasn’t accepted at SPS and I told him that maybe they didn’t think he’d be happy there and that they know their school and the kind of kids that thrive there far better than we do. I don’t think any less of the school for their not admitting my son because it was probably for the best.</p>

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<p>GladToBeHere, I think this process is harder on the parents than the children. The applicants often move on to other projects, but we parents get tied up in knots about rejections (or maybe, tied up in nots.) I don’t have a child applying this year. My eldest applied last year, and my middle child applies next year. I’ve been there, and I’ll probably be there again. With the fullness of time, I accept that the school which rejected my eldest was right about the fit. The fit is much better at the schools which decided to accept my child. </p>

<p>Part of the fit could have been our insistence on playing it straight. No parental (or tutorial) rewriting of essays. No attempts to curry favor with board members. No “do you know who we are” tactics. No attempts to turn ourselves inside out to make a school love our child. When we had acceptances, we turned to them, rather than eating our hearts out about a waitlist at a famous school. We have promised our children, they will get in, or not, based on their own efforts.</p>

<p>I wish that I could believe the admissions committees easily detect parental interference in applications. They likely detect a great deal of it, but by no means all. Parents are amazingly upfront to other parents about the advice and guidance they’ve bought for their children. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. Yes, some kids may get into prestigious schools with professional help. Some kids may have been groomed for Prestigious School #1 since infancy, poor things. They may have been accepted, but they know precisely how much their parents and tutors helped. They do not have the thrill of knowing that they were accepted on the strength of their own efforts. I think that’s a great loss. </p>

<p>I don’t know if this little essay will help you. In the future, if you decide your son should apply to private schools again, it’s more work to apply to a range of schools, but it’s much easier to face March 10th. I think parents, especially, tend to fall in love with one school over all the others. That’s a hard position to be in, it just sets us up for heartbreak. In the end, we found a school which fits our child, and which fits us. If you persist, you will find such a school for your child, too.</p>

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<p>ExieMit, what is the “top school in the country”?</p>

20

<p>I would have originally said my alma mater. But I will exact my revenge by replacing their name with Andover in all future references to #1 school. :-)</p>

<p>Unless you are talking about college, then - MIT of course (although that Yale video was cool and I told my daughter she has no choices - she must go there!)</p>