<p>Hello, everyone.
I am going into my sophomore year of college, and I'm in a bit of a pickle. I was wondering if I could run my situation by you to get the parents perspective. Advice is very much appreciated :)
My Story:
I come from a small town. I'm an only child, and am finacially dependent on my parents. My dad has his own business and is very successful. However, he is also an extremely busy and stressed individual. My mom passed from cancer when I was fifteen. We were really close, and it seems that now more than ever before I'm having a tough time with that. My dad is remarried to a woman with a very old-fashioned family. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but the fact that she isn't very motherly (she has no kids and has never married before) just knd of worsens my situation.
Now that you have some background, here is my problem:
I am a quiet person, and kind of a homebody. The college I attend now is very small (under 3000) and in a town smaller than the one I grew up in. It's a private school and I recieved a hefty scholarship, and its about a half hour away from my house. I was excited to go, and the major I had chosen there matched what I wanted perfectly. After sticking out a year there, I can't take it anymore. I don't feel like I'm getting the college experiece I've always dreamed of, and it's gotten to the point where I feel depressed. I want to transfer to a bigger school about two hours away, and I'm terrifed to tell my parents. Why?
About a year ago I started dating the boyfriend. I know all of you parents out there have heard it all before - we're very much in love, want to get married, all of that. After visiting his college last year, I love the city. I love the campus. I've made closer friends at his school in three weeks than I have all year at mine.<br>
I want to tell my parents I that I want to transfer there my junior year, but I'm afraid they'll get angry with me because they think I'm just moving there for my boyfriend. While him being there is a plus, it isn't the main reason, and with dad's new wife's strictness, and all of dad's work stress, I don't know if they will listen. Inever considered his college in the first place because it had so many people, but now i'm kicking myself for not. I've seriously asked myself if I would still want to go if he were not in the picture at all, and the answer is yes. I just don't want them upset because I feel like I've made my own bed, now I have to lie in it.
Thanks for reading. Thoughts?</p>
<p>Well you will never know what their reaction is unless you tel them you'd like to transfer. I'd tell them basically what you've told us. That while your current college seemed perfect to you when you were in college, you've outgrown it. You'd like a place that's bigger and that offers more opportunities. Admit that the boyfriend is a plus, but that it truly isn't the only reason for wanting to transfer. Do your homework on your major too. Are there more or better courses? A well known professor? The loss of the scholarship is likely to have a big impact on your parents. What can you do to mitigate that?</p>
<p>You should spend some time putting together a pros/con list before you approach your dad/stepmom. As much as you possibly can, you should leave the bf out of your consideration for transferring, both in your own mind as well as in your arguments. Would you want to transfer as much if he wasn't there? If so, make your case on all the reasons why you want to transfer. Other than that, do all the stuff math mom suggested.</p>
<p>Have you compared the financial aspects of the transfer? As mathmom mentioned, the loss of the scholarship may be the biggest factor to your parents.
While I wouldn't use the BF in the arguments, you should definitely acknowledge that the time you have spent there with him has really shown aspects of the college that resonate with you. Do they know you are as serious as you are about each other? For some parents, this might mitagate against them wanting to support the move---for others, it would be a point in favor of the transfer. If they do know, it will be difficult for you to downplay it, as it will come off as trying to pull the wool over their eyes.
Good luck, but don't be too upset if it doesn't work out. A lot of kids have "sophomore slump', where the newness of the college experience has worn off, yet they still have so far to go and see a lot of work ahead.
And if it helps, my son and his gf have been in a long distance relationshipfor 2 1/2 years now, and she's on the other coast! It can be done, and two hours is nothing! :) Hang in there.</p>
<p>It's a gender conundrum for sure, but "Faint heart never won fair lady." In other words, you need to stand up for things that are important to you. What's your worst case? You stay where you are?</p>
<p>Well if you were my kid, I would be very proud of you. College is a time to grow and you are demonstrating growth, getting away from being a homebody and spreading your wings. When you talk to your dad keep your focus on how the bigger school will provide growth and opportunities. He is a business man and will understand opportunities. Keep the BF' name in with the other new close friends in a group thing (if you even mention it). Good luck</p>
<p>I second the advice above. Back in the day a friend of mine promised her parents that she would be on the Dean's List every single semester if they allowed her to transfer to her bf's school. It worked and she graduated with honors.</p>
<p>Does your father like your BF? How is this bigger school compare to your current school - ranking, major, financial aid, distance from home?</p>
<p>This is just me - if the schools are comparable, knowing my daughter would like it better, AND her long term boyfriend is also there, I would be happy for her to transfer. I think it's especially the case knowing the daughter has lost her mother and has someone to make her feel less lonely, it would make me feel better for her to be closer to this person. At the same time, if I thought the boy was not right for her, I may not be so readily to agree to it.</p>
<p>I think no matter how busy your dad is, his main concern is of your happiness. No matter how strict your dad's wife is, she cannot be so naive to think by not going to the same school would mean no physical intimacy. I would have a rational discussion with your dad and tell him exactly how you feel. I think if you were leave your BF out of the equation, your dad would probably think you are not being honest.</p>
<p>After you think through your thoughts, pros and cons, etc. perhaps writing a letter to them to first present your case would be a good approach. This way, all the emotional reactions would be delayed til they read it all thru. And you could work through all your points while composing it. And let it sit overnight and then read and edit it again. And tell them that you are nervous about suggesting it because you love them and care what they think. Just a thought.</p>
<p>astro in post 3 has it. Be prepared . Be prepared with, fact, and logical reasons that will apply/appeal to businessman Dad. AND have counter-points ready. For each of the items you will list to parents, think ahead-how might they respond, then how can you respond back? Look into fin aid, and loans too. Perhaps if you could reasonably take on part of the cost of the new school, they might be more willing. maybe as a compromise they'd go along with it depending on final cost. Perhaps you could offer something of a bargain to them- keep X gpa in exchange for their financial support, slip below that and YOU pick up the tab.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the replies :)
I've prepared all of the facts for them- costs now versus the price of the new school (the new one will be slightly cheaper even if I don't recieve anything in the way of scholarships/grants).
They like the BF, actually this summer he worked for my dad. He is extremely intelligent, has a full ride, and a plan with his life. There isn't really a problem with him. I guess what scares me is telling them that I want to do something I don't think they'll agree with as I've never been one to blatantly disrepect values.
Anyway, I'll be making my pros and cons lists. I'll also be explaining how a bigger city will help me find internships/jobs that I wouldn't otheriwse have access to, since I'm not sure where I want to go with my career. Hopefully giving them a year to process and think about everything will help, too.
Now I just have to find a good time to explain all of this. Fingers crossed!</p>
<p>Sounds like great preparation for an important conversation! </p>
<p>I'm wondering, since you reached age 15 before your mom passed, whether your Dad's new wife has much sway in this matter. It's kind of you to consider her feelings, of course, but in a way, perhaps this one is more between you and your Dad.</p>
<p>I've experienced families where the Dad makes the final and financial decision, and this might be that situation. If he can afford it and you want it, I don't quite see where his new wife should be able to override what you and he might want for you.
He knows his money, is what I'm thinking. </p>
<p>I'm wondering if you'd feel more comfortable to meet with just him first, to introduce the idea, and then give him a chance to talk it over with his wife. It might all go over better that way. I'm not sure..you know how you feel and the people involved.</p>
<p>I don't see where moving to a bigger college is "disrespecting values" except for the side conversation about being closer to the BF. But that's all your business.</p>
<p>I agree with paying3. It may be an easier conversation with just dad. Most parents (myself included) inclination is to say no first to anything new. If your dad's wife says no to your face, then it would be harder for her to change her mind later. </p>
<p>Here is a bit of advice from me on how to handle parents (my older daughter is very good at it), don't get upset with the initial no, be calm. Let it set in for a few days, then go back to your dad again. If you are calm and has information ready for your dad, then he'll know you are serious.</p>
<p>Here's a thought if you anticipate that the parental reaction will focus on the fact that the bf is at the new top choice college:</p>
<p>Explain to your father that while the current school has much to offer, now that you have found your major, it does not offer the opportunities of a larger school, which will offer more and better courses and ultimately help you with grad school/finding a job/taking full advantage of your education. Then give him a (short) list of larger schools, including the school of choice, that offer a more suitable program and express your desire to transfer. Explain that since you don't know what kind of financial award you will receive as a transfer, you want to approach several schools, but explain by the school of choice and maybe one other would be best for you academically. </p>
<p>(Actually, this might not be such a bad idea in any case, since it would be nice if you received decent FA or merit money from the new school, as this would help you to be less dependent on the opinions of step-mom etc.)</p>