<p>SJRcalderone: your parents are manipulating you. Let me repeat this: they are manipulating you. </p>
<p>You probably do not have enough vacation days to drive them every time they will need you so they will have to get a paid service (taxi or whatever). Might as well get them used to this now. It is entirely unreasonable for them to expect you to take off 2 days of work for every dr appt. </p>
<p>They made their decisions. Why are you so uncomfortable with them living with the consequences of their decisions?</p>
<p>I woke up this morning and thought about your post and I have a strong piece of advice. </p>
<p>Do NOT encourage them to move closer to you. If they move you will then be responsible for everything, including making your mom happy when she misses her friends. </p>
<p>I would just say over and over, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time, I love you and I wish it were easier, but I cannot come. </p>
<p>Moving closer at this time would be a disaster for you.</p>
<p>I can understand that, and maybe since she does have an active social life, she is much better off staying in place, rather than moving closer to you and possibly becoming dependent on you to provide her with company and entertainment. But – she can’t have it both ways. She can’t stay where she is and expect you to take time off work every time she needs a ride to the doctor’s office. It doesn’t matter what her friends’ children do. Maybe they live closer, maybe they don’t have jobs, who knows.</p>
<p>Another option … see if the taxi company will set up an account for your parents so they don’t have to pay for each ride. With my parents I set up the account so I would pay the bills even though they have more bucks than me … I considered it money from my eventual inherentance. FYI - my parents still never took a taxi … but it also true they stopped asked me to drive 3 hours (round trip) to give my Mom a 5 minute ride … I do not know how she got where she needed to go but I know she go there.</p>
<p>Didn’t know this thread existed. I can’t go into it now emotionally , but my dad went to probably being 90% 'there" in March to maybe 10% now. He had a lung node removed, and when was in a rehab for about 6 weeks, his mental facilities disappeared.</p>
<p>On a lighter note, which is what I think we all need to do from time to time dealing with this, mom called me to tell me they put a condom catheter on dad because he was chaffed from wetting himself. Well mom (who is in GREAT health) had a pacemaker put in recently and her Dr. pricked himself. He told my mom if there hadn’t been the nurse in the room he wouldn’t have reported it, but as she was, they both had to have an HIV test. </p>
<p>When mom told me yesterday about dad and the condom catheter, I said to her, “Who would have known you two oldsters would need a condom and an HIV test!”</p>
<p>Hi folka. I am here to join the partty. My dad died lastnyr half way across the country and I went back and forth aroind ten times in eight monyhs. The again for the funeral and again for xmas and tax time. Mom is frail but has suevived many surgeries and outlastwd dad to mym si and my surprise. Many times durng her surgeries and due to ongoing pain in back and legs mother has asked me to let her die. So. Two weeks ago she fell and broke her hip (again). In hospital she was failing . In her presence I signed all the hospice papers and when they asked for fineral home she sat up and said, Hospice??? I do NOT want that; do NOT cross me Hugcheck do NOT. So now she is in rehab in constant pain, getting a bitty bit better but basically unable to feed herself. My sis and I have spent the last week w her and her two helpers are lovely and helping. She thinks she will sell her co do and move to assisted living but I do not think she will walj again. She has already asked me to let her die and (in the presence of her helper who was startled because she knew the hospice story). Can I hear an Oy gevalt? I told her she is a tough nut to crack and I tried but she will have to do it on her own steam. She has been hallucinating seeing an elevator filled w dead ppl, a cute boy on a path, my dad, etc. I told her to follow them and she told me i was obnoxious (odd throw back my teen years when she used to say that). Lots of fun stuff like this. And then between grimacing, choking, laying back w eyes rolled back in head she sits up and has a normal, lucid conversation. I asked her doc who we love for advice and he said,Just ride the wave. That actually helped me quite a bit. What a ride!!!</p>
<p>SJR - I agree that your parents should stay put (near their friends and activities), but need to change their expectations. You have gotten good advice here. I will add, as a PEO myself, that her PEO ladies will be happy to provide transportation! She just needs to ask. I am sure it is hard to accept the aging process and admit one needs help, but they are not being realistic. You can only do so much given the distance, your job, and your other responsibilities. You should save your weekday visits (and vacation days) for emergencies. This situation could last a long time. Expectations need to change. If needed, arrange a car service. Visit them on weekends when you have more time. Hang in there.</p>
<p>SJR - You can give your parents the choice of staying where they are and finding a car service/taxi/friend to help with transportation OR moving near you so you can help them within your schedule (only if you really think you can deal with them being close). They can’t have it both ways and you shouldn’t feel guilty for telling them so.</p>
<p>It is a nice break when our parents say or do something amusing, but those incidences seem to be coming less frequently. Enjoy them when they happen.</p>
<p>Does anyone know the rules or the magic words to effectively have a parent declared incompetent in CA? My friend it trying to do this for her Mom who cannot live alone any longer. They have a room reserved. but were advised by the assisted living place that they need to have her declared incompetent or she can just ask for a cab ride home.</p>
<p>I am sure there must be some key recognized issues that will allow the physician to move ahead. The problem is that when Mom brings herself up and tries her best she can come across pretty well, but she is not safe to be alone.</p>
<p>Lots of hugs to all! Emotionally, I cannot give the entire story right now, realistically, it would fill volumes. My son told me today that he cannot wait to read my memoirs, my husband knows just to have a bottle of wine on hand when I come home from my mother’s or aunt’s house. It is very much a roller coaster ride, I wish it was more like a nice warm wave in the ocean. I’ll share a little humor with everyone… While I was visiting my aunt in the hospital on Sunday and she was verbally beating me up and telling me that my mother does not have dementia, that I caused her to “go crazy and was trying to do the same thing to her”, my telephone rang. My aunt’s neighbor called to tell me that my aunt’s live in aide, (whom I sent home to rest), thought she was having a heart attack and could I please meet the ambulance in the ER!!! I kid you not. Long story short, I was up with the aide most of the night and she was admitted to a room 2 doors down the hall from my aunt. How lucky could I get???</p>
<p>Thanks Ellemenope. SJR, my mom actually asked repeatedly my H and i to move into her reirement community. She really thought we might. Um. Same for my sister whose kids are in high school and who also lives halfway across the country. We had to just say no but have not been able to say no to running back and forth to help them in their dying processes. Not easy. Mother is angry with me that I left her to go home today despite the fact that she has two helpers and my sister and is in rehab for a few weeks. So it goes.</p>
<p>EC hugs to you. Anyone envisioning a Broadway musical? How about “Oy Mamma!” Numbers could include: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t; Let me go no!; How could you leave me; Stayin’ alive (oops that one’s been done); This will never happen to me hahahaha; Daddy gimme the car keys pleeeeease; etc. etc. Anyone have an idea for the big musical finale? </p>
<p>Oh sorry, i just got home and seem to be discharging black humor. Plz forgive, tks.</p>
<p>Here’s ONE source that gives a rough outline of info on how to have someone declared incompetent in CA. Looks more like a process than any “magic words.” Good luck!</p>
<p>hugcheck - I think you have a great idea! Think of all the tickets you could sell! Thanks for the chuckle. We have to keep our senses of humor alive despite all the stress of caring for our parents. Hugs to all.</p>
<p>Worknprogress2, I have wondered about that so many times over the past several years as I have watched my mom, MIL, and other family members go through some very crazy situations. </p>
<p>My mom’s absurdity detector is out of whack. The gist of our recent conversation:</p>
<p>Mom: I’m going to ask your sister to drive me to an appointment.
Me: That’s pretty difficult for her. Why don’t you take the senior bus? --(door-to-door and dirt cheap)
Mom: It’s too inconvenient to call in advance and sometimes it takes too long to get home because they have to drop off other riders.
Me: But it is OK to expect sister to arrange after school care for her kids, drive at least two hours to get to you, accompany you to your appointment, and drive at least two more hours to get home, just to save you the trouble of a phone call and a fifteen minute delay in getting home?
Mom: Well, I wasn’t thinking about her.</p>
<p>Argh! How many times will we have to go through this same conversation?</p>
<p>I’ve certainly been there. Two big changes with my Dad. First, his world is shrinking so he doesn’t think outside of the affect on him nearly as much. Second, his thinking has gotten much more linear … anything off the line of thinking he started with is tough for him to adapt to. So if he starts thinking about what’s easy for him he’s really not as aware of how it affects other people and once he’s on a plan it’s very difficult to get him change plans.</p>