<p>No, but I am certainly thinking one might for that reason. Or, are they older and could they just be lonely?</p>
<p>Shyanne - related to your question: my awful SIL who has treated my mom (and all of us) like crap for over a decade is all of a sudden being less cruel to her. This SIL is estranged from all of her own family, has no friends, and cannot stay in a job because all her bosses are problematic according to her, so we know it’s her, not us. The cynic (realist?) in me thinks SIL is teeing up the “we need help with college costs for the boys” request and ultimately wants equal treatment with the will. I hope my mom lives a long time and spends all her hard earned and well saved money on herself!</p>
<p>My cousin hasn’t had anything to do with my mother for 60 years and now called me while drunk and said he is going to 'watch over" my mother. He also showed up right after our grandfather died and complained he wasn’t left anything. He creeps me out.</p>
<p>Shyanne- Creepy sounds like the perfect adjective here. Sorry that he is getting in touch with you under the circumstances, but perhaps it is good info. to have. Hang in there.</p>
<p>My BIL decided to mend fences with his mom after his father died. While it was a good thing to do, the cynic in me wonders if maybe foremost in his mind was a financial angle. Within a year, Mom was bankrolling him as he’s barely working these days. Mom says that she’s keeping track and this he’s getting his inheritance early. Yup, I’m a skeptic but it’s not my mom, so I’m keeping my mouth shut. Tight - except for here. :-)</p>
<p>Eek about people moving in at " the end" just ick.</p>
<p>I am sad about money as usual. Moms rugs that she refused to sell for five figures each brought in $750 net at auction. I hauled them to SF to hopefully get a wider audience since I didn’t think they would sell in her little town. One didn’t sell AT ALL, have to pay the insurance and some other fee anyway. Maybe I should have done something different, but too late now. Maybe I should haul the one that didn’t sell and put it in her AL apartment and let her stare at it…I think it is too big though. I hate stuff more and more and more. I still have one going to a " better" auction. I really need this to go better. I have to pay property taxes and other bills next month and these were supposed to cover that. Ouch.</p>
<p>I feel like she is living paycheck to paycheck and I just hate it. I haven’t ever been there and never want to be either. Next thing to sell will be a ring, but I already have one on consignment that hasn’t moved in 90 days…</p>
<p>eso, don’t kick yourself. All of us are flying blind in this parents-caring-for-parents situation, and unfortunately there’s no manual. We do the best we can, and learn by trial-and-error. There aren’t many things that I’ve gotten right the first time, and when I did, it was pure luck. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I had a call this week about unclaimed property in my grandmother’s name (she died in 2008.) So, just a reminder to check once in a while, especially if older relatives used multiple banks over the years or had stocks they ignored or a variety of other things. The particular state linked me to missingmoney.com. Also, a .gov link is [Unclaimed</a> Money from the Government | USA.gov](<a href=“http://www.usa.gov/Citizen/Topics/Government-Unclaimed-Money.shtml]Unclaimed”>Redirecting to https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money)</p>
<p>Ours was just a small CD. But it’s a good reminder.</p>
<p>Sorry for the disappointment, eso. I think I’ve heard rug resale value can be volatile. Maybe you do hang on to the last one, til demand comes back.</p>
<p>Sorry things are so tough. Hindsight is always much better than foresight, but unfortunately life doesn’t let us redo it when things don’t turn out quite as we expect. Best of luck to you as you go through this, the best you can. It reminds me of why we are keeping life insurance and liquid assets as part of our resources, so our family hopefully won’t have to scramble so much to help us with our finances. Getting rid of “stuff” and trying to get decent prices for it and not have to store bulky things is a complex and TIRING process. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Eso- Just ask me about the offer on the boat my Dad refused (more like had a childish temper tantrum over). He deemed the offer “insulting” although it’s been for sale about 5 years with no offer. The price offered is more than their yearly income. I’m sure it will be my albatross within a short time.</p>
<p>Sharing this with hopes it might help others.</p>
<p>Gtalum you wrote:
I have good news today. As many of you remember, both of my parents have early dementia and moved here. It didn’t take much convincing for my mom’s new doctor to take her off her very high doses of 2 cholesterol meds (I asked her previous one to try a trial and take her off and she responded by adding another cholesterol med). After 2-3 weeks, she is markedly better. She is interacting and much more engaged socially, just like my old Mom!</p>
<p>I’m assuming one of those cholesterol drugs was a statin? The FDA has warned about serious cognitive impairment with statins in some people.</p>
<p>[Reports</a> associating cholesterol-lowering statins with memory loss lead to FDA review - Philly.com](<a href=“Inquirer.com: Philadelphia local news, sports, jobs, cars, homes”>Inquirer.com: Philadelphia local news, sports, jobs, cars, homes)</p>
<p>Yes, my mom was on a fairly high dose of both a statin (Simvistatin 40 mg) and Niacin (Niaspan 1,0000 mg). My Dad is on the same, but since he has coronary artery disease, he at least has an indication to continue taking it. I asked her primary care doctor 2 years ago, after I noticed significant memory issues, to try a trial of taking her off the Simvistatin. Instead, she added Niacin. When she was taken off, I removed the meds from their apartment. But, when the Express Scripts order came she started taking them again! Really, not much improvement with her memory, she is just more interactive and engaged. In reviewing her labs when they moved, I was surprised how aggressively her cholesterol was treated. Levels were brought down to what is ideal for someone with cardiovascular disease, not for what is acceptable for the rest of us. People of our parent’s generation don’t question doctors so I should have been more involved, even at a distance. But it is clear that her doctor and I (I am a family nurse practitioner) have different philosophies of care so I doubt it would have made a difference. I treat with statins, but am aware of the standard of care and back off on the dose if the numbers go lower than ideal for that individual. </p>
<p>As you can see from my family history, I have high cholesterol despite being athletic with fairly low body fat. I have decided against taking a statin. There is an interesting discussion among some experts on dementia. It is clear that a certain amount of cholesterol is good for the brain and it’s probably different than what is good for optimum cardiovascular health. However, good cardiovascular health is also good for the brain. So it is unclear what the right balance of cholesterol should be. What is “good enough” for cardiovascular health and optimum for the brain? Women are shown to have the greatest risk from statins, especially small framed women like myself and my mom. I do wonder if the statins are responsible for at least some of her dementia (she has not family history but my dad does) and she had been on them for so long (20 plus years) at such high doses, that I think any damage may be irreversible.</p>
<p>esobay you’re dealing with a lot, I’m sorry the rugs didn’t sell. It sounds like you did your best. You mentioned having one on the floor of your mom’s AL facility. Where my MIL lived they wouldn’t let her put a rug down (tripping hazard). Where my elderly friend lives it wasn’t a problem, she could have rug in her room. So you might check the policy.</p>
<p>GTalum/SJCM that’s interesting about cholesterol treatment and GTAlum’s mom’s change when taken off statins. I’ll keep that in mind for my elderly friend.</p>
<p>Good point about escheated funds, lookingforward. It took 12 weeks but we got back my MIL’s escheated funds from the state of PA. They have a website where you can track the progress of your claim. The only hard part was figuring out which forms to fill out, but everything was online.</p>
<p>A friend of mine here in CA was the executive director of a high-end nursing home, now retired. Her husband is suffering from Lewy body dementia and she’s just moved him into a nursing home that’s affiliated with her prior facility. The first 2 weeks he was not given his anti-psychotic medication. She discovered this and raised a stink. The next week he was given double the dose which gave him Parkinson’s like symptoms. She recognized the dosage problem almost immediately (she was a nurse) and raised holy h*ll. She told the administration that they were lucky she didn’t sue them, and she told the attending nurse that this kind of mistake is cause for losing one’s license. What’s frightening is that if this can happen to one of the most informed, experienced people I know, just imagine family members who aren’t nearly as on top of things for their loved ones. </p>
<p>Oh and she asked where her DH’s DNR/Advanced Directive forms were as she didn’t see them in his room and they weren’t at the nursing station. She was told they were “in the vault”. She said that’s not acceptable, they need to be easily accessible otherwise how would the caregiver know what to do in an emergency.</p>
<p>I’ll be visiting my elderly friend later this month. She’s in the dementia unit where she was moved under my protest due to 2 wandering incidents. What others see as dementia are really life-long facets of her personality. The facility has been dragging their feet but I’ve finally had her re-evaluated. The evaluation shows that she’s at risk of social isolation there without cognitive stimulation and that she would do very well in AL. I’m going to insist on a move back to AL. I’ll also review her medications and make sure her DNR is easily accessible as I didn’t see it the last time I was there.</p>
<p>GL- sorry about the medication conflicts. I absolutely agree with you on the statins. I read medical records as part of my work and am constantly surprised by the aggressive Tx.</p>
<p>I also feel very strongly that anyone with any sort of dementia should no longer be on long term life extend health treatments like cholesterol meds. If we cannot do any more for the mind, we should stop fighting the body so hard. It seems like losing one’s mind is a pretty widespread fear, so why do we put in pacemakers and treat cholesterol in those situations? I am not at all against comfort care, whatever makes a person actually feel better each day, fine. But stop fighting the natural physical decline once the mind has gone. There are so many potential side effects of these meds! My mother recently had her BP meds increased, it made her feel horrible, she went back on the old dose within a week, but still has some residual weird feelings. She has always been exceptionally sensitive to meds, but she is almost 90, do we really need to double her dose? How about a small increase? Of course, she is so absolutely un-self-aware, she would never think to question to increase, to ask to implement it slowly and gradually!</p>
<p>Luckily my parents feel very much the same.</p>
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<p>somemom, thank you for this thought; it gave me a sudden moment of clarity.</p>
<p>thanks for the encouragement everyone.</p>
<p>I have thought about getting Mom off some of her drugs, including high statins. Did mention it to her primary care Dr. He was very against it. So I would not feel very right about taking her off, although I think it might be the right choice. She also managed to get herself to the dr. Today, Sat. With her knee that hosts. We sent her to the knee surgeon two weeks ago because she complains about it a lot, but never limps or shows any proble. She had a bug bit that devolved into a bad bad rash, just because she kept scratching it. There was no bug bight after two weeks, but she had the habit of it being a problem. I think her knee is the same thing. No way in heck are they operating, though! I don’t care what the diagnosis is, she doesn’t need surgery!</p>
<p>Scary though.</p>
<p>LasMa- I am glad you had clarity.</p>
<p>I have been dealing with elder care issues for nearly 10 years, I make it a habit to read any books or articles and to watch any shows that come on. Some time this year I watched a TV show, probably Frontline, talking about the issues with seniors, might have been about Alzheimers. Anyway, it showed 90+ Mom in the hospital bed, completely out of it, doesn’t even know her kids. The kids (60+ ;)) are standing there telling the Docs to make her full code and do all they can. It just struck me as torturing the poor old lady. That’s not what doctors want, you will rarely see a doctor put his ICU bound parent on full code! CPR is cruel to fragile old bones. Well, I feel the same about the aggressive medication. I have had two friends struggle to have pacemakers turned off, one in a 98 year old grandma ready to die and fully with it mentally, but was dying from other things and the pacemaker was not letting her go and the other, Dad had dementia, did not know any of his family, but the pacemaker kept pumping.</p>
<p>My Dad had untreatable cancer for several years, I just could not figure out why he kept taking BP & cholesterol meds, especially the cholesterol which prevented him from drinking grapefruit juice that he loved. Hello! Doc? Dad? Cancer is riddling your body, there is no treatment, stop taking the silly meds which are actually designed for long term survival anyway.</p>
<p>I totally agree with you somemom. If I knew the trajectory of my dad’s dementia, I would ask his doctor to take him off his meds (unlike my mom, with his coronary artery disease, he actually has an indication to be on them). But, I just went to visit yesterday and he is content with the amazing food and starting to become engaged socially and attending several activities. I don’t think it’s always clear when to stop the meds. </p>
<p>But more often, like you say, it goes too far. Both my parents are a no code status after discussing with them the very low chance of survival after cardiac arrest, and if they did survive, it is likely their dementia would much more advanced.</p>
<p>You are absolutely right, GT, it is difficult to discern what is right. I think the first step is being able to have the thoughts/discussion without feeling guilty.</p>
<p>Oh no! Just got off the phone with insurance. Mom, who has dementia as well as cancer, but is putting the brakes on moving to assisted living, voluntarily cancelled her supplemental insurance!!! What was she thinking??</p>