<p><3 ten characters.</p>
<p>lasma - hugs to you and your family. I think your brother’s words were perfect. I admire how you are making these difficult decisions with such care and attention. Often there are no good choices. I am glad the stress is over and that you have the support of hospice and, most of all, that you and your siblings are in agreement. I hope you will be able to take care of yourself a little now. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted.</p>
<p>LasMa, I am so glad your family is together and on the same page. Glad that hospice is involved, they can help so much.<br>
I hate that copier, give it a kick next time you walk by.</p>
<p>The contrast in parents will be hard for me this weekend. (background, parents divorced years ago, both survived their second spouses. Dad lives with my brother.) I am SO happy I get to go see my Dad, it is his 85th birthday on Friday. My brother is bringing him to hometown so he can talk to a well digger. Dad is still working to make the ranch a go and working to keep us involved in it, while doing all the leasing etc. Bro and I are just along for the ride. None of us farm anymore, but it was my GGdad’s homestead so getting enough money to keep it in the family is huge to me.
On the other hand, I’ll be seeing my mom. She has made so many poor decisions, she is clingy, she is in AL partly because she is impossible to live with . … I want to spend every moment with Dad and then I’ll feel guilty and bad just thinking that I’d rather spend time with him, not her. It is how it is, though.
I’ll also be annoyed with bro that he is able to just stop in and see Mom for brief visits. I would not go to town and not see her every day when she knows I am in town… he can do that. I did go to town and not see her, but she never found out I WAS in town. She is a constant “I wish it was different” for me I wish it was different is a sad state to be in.</p>
<p>Lasma - Hugs to you and your brothers. I’m glad you’re getting the support and help you need. Be kind to yourself, which also means allowing yourself the time to grieve and be sad.</p>
<p>I have just been lurking, but wanted to add my support and to acknowledge that your posts are very helpful. My dad went through a rough patch in 2012 which lasted from Mother’s Day to Halloween, but he is much better now. My husband’s parents are going through a really tough time right now, and the posts on this thread help me process what is going on in my husband’s family. I won’t elaborate yet, but will come back if I have a specific question.</p>
<p>Well, the other shoe has dropped. My mom has gone into sepsis and kidney failure, and went into cardiac arrest last night. Consensus is that the long-standing infection in her knee replacement is the culprit. She has a DNR, she and Dad have discussed everything and she is at peace. She is still lucid and can communicate, though struggles to do so because of her labored breathing. I flew in this am; we are all here.
Expect I’ll be here til its over.</p>
<p>Hugs, CountingDown. May it be as peaceful as possible for your mother and your family.</p>
<p>I just had my 87?-year-old mom for a visit. She is in the early stages of dementia, and frail, but still very much herself. She was able to fly cross-country by herself. My sister put her in the wheelchair for the departing flight, and I was to pick her up here. So I went to the airport, and waited and waited and waited for the wheelchair people to bring her. I searched all around: at the baggage claim for the flight where the airline would have brought her, upstairs where passengers exit security, downstairs at the elevator. I asked several airline personnel but they said “Wait.” Finally, forty minutes after the flight landed, someone directed me to an agent across the terminal, at a different baggage claim, so I could have her searched for. </p>
<p>On the way, I found her, waiting all alone at a different baggage carrousel on the other side of the terminal from the correct one. “I didn’t want to wait so I walked to baggage claim!” she said calmly. “I was just about to have you paged.” She didn’t seem to have noticed that no bags were coming out at this empty carrousel and no other passengers were waiting there. </p>
<p>She had the idea that instead of flying home, she’d take the train partway, to see the Rockies. I couldn’t see her traveling by train by herself, but now I’m sorry I didn’t just get tickets for both of us to go from California to Denver, or California to Chicago. I was reluctant to mess up my schedule, but why? I should have done it. She might never be able to come out here again.</p>
<p>Sending out warm thoughts to everybody here who is facing a lot and teaching me so much. Take good care of yourselves, even as you carry the situations. </p>
<p>LasMas- though this is a sad, hard time, your brother has it right. I hope you feel the peace of knowing you have done right, all the way, which is the greatest gift of all. </p>
<p>CD- I am glad that you are able to be together. It means a lot. </p>
<p>Eso- I have empathy- sometimes it just isn’t fair, how this stuff all shakes out. Hope you have fun with your father.</p>
<p>CountingDown - Hugs to you. Draw strength from one another and knowing that your mother is at peace.</p>
<p>Thanks, all. This has happened so quickly. we are all still reeling. Biggest concern right now is that she is in pain and her BP is too low for pain meds. The hospital staff isn’t too cooperative.</p>
<p>So sorry for all you have had to endure, CD. But at least you are there for you and your mom.</p>
<p>CD I am sending hugs</p>
<p>Cardinal fang, I would have been hysterical if the airline lost my mom. I have just been thinking of getting her a ticket to fly to niece,s for Thanksgiving. But they would have to take responsibility like for a minor flying alone. Holidays are a big stressor, too. But you can maybe do a short train ride with your mom. It is too easy to beat yourself up, second guessing. There is no one true way and no one true path, we do the best we can at the moment.</p>
<p>I have both mothers at our house and have for several years now, as I think I’ve written here earlier. My MIL is entering a whole new stage of dementia and I’m not sure how much longer she can stay with us. Her physical health is excellent. Had joint replacements but not mobile without walker and still very slow and unsteady. Continence and cooperation on the necessities are the issue with her.</p>
<p>My mother’s COPD is getting worse. More tired, won’t go on oxygen but needs it. Very frail physically. Noting some slight loss of mental acuity.</p>
<p>But it has been a good year with no hospitalizations or crises, knock on wood. If I can have more like that for them, it would be such a blessing.</p>
<p>Hugs to all of you here, and to your parents.</p>
<p>The airline didn’t lose my mom-- she lost herself.</p>
<p>I’m hoping Mom can come out early next summer and we can do the train ride. She loves cruises, which I hate, but train rides are something we can both enjoy. I hope she’ll still be well enough. As long as she is able to fly, I think she’d enjoy the train trip. Even if she has lost a bit more mental acuity, she’d still be able to look out the window and enjoy the beautiful mountain vistas.</p>
<p>My Mom always wanted to do the Transcanadian train trip and I have regrets for not doing it, but I did take her on a cruise thing that was wonderful . We got to see the beachs of Normandy Dday…her brother was there, so it was amazing.
Like all things, we can’t to everything…</p>
<p>CountingDown, sending support and hugs to you. I hope you can persuade the hospital staff to up her pain medication. I don’t know why they’re sometimes so resistant to that.</p>
<p>Fang, I’m hoping you can have that special train trip with your mom. What a great experience and memory that would be.</p>
<p>In an article I was reading about palliative care, the doctors asserted that there are ways to deal with the breathlessness that is a part of the dying process. CountingDown, it might be worth talking to your mom’s doctors about that.</p>
<p>I am new to this thread. We are having terrible trouble with my father-in-law, aged 99. He was hospitalized for a week, has some heart issues and fluid retention problems, not very clear diagnosis. He was released to come home, under hospice care. He is on oxygen full time and uses a walker. He is quite weak physically, mentally pretty good. We have no idea of his time frame, weeks probably but don’t know. </p>
<p>My H has been staying with him most of the time. We live 2 hrs away and my H owns his own business. H has just been working a few hrs a day and missing many days. We moved our RV in next to Dad so H can sleep in there. My H’s brother lives 5 mins away from Dad but will not stay with him overnight or longer than a short visit. Brother brings food in but is often late with dinner (7:30-8). I am trying to take over sending food.</p>
<p>The hospice nurse has said 3 times that Dad needs someone with him all the time. This is the biggest problem: Dad has the money to pay for it but refuses to pay. We want to have a CNA from agency recommended by hospice at night for 12 hrs (8-8). That is about $5,000 per month. </p>
<p>We don’t know what to do. No one has power of attorney and there is no will. Dad also refuses to do anything about that. An older stepbrother in another state is on the bank accts with Dad, but also says we should just help Dad “since we are here.” That older stepbrother agrees only to cleaning help a few hours a week. Says he will reimburse us. </p>
<p>Dad is weakening, but I think has a few more weeks left before he goes into actual hospice care. Soon he will be too weak to get to the bathroom…</p>
<p>So upsetting and so unfair. He could have CNAs there 24/7 and we could just bring in the food.</p>