<p>Just a note Bookie - when dad dies the older brother on the accounts will own those accounts. Since there’s no will, only that brother’s generosity will determine if any of the estate in those accounts is distributed. He has to do nothing at all; the accounts will be his alone (or in combo w/ anyone else on those accounts). There will be no probate or other about it.</p>
<p>Enjoying a brief reprieve- mom is at my sister’s for a 2 week visit. She was here 6 months - this is our first “break”. As with cpt’s mil, my mom is slooooow getting herself up and ready each day then naps off and on so is usually content till I’m home from work. During her absence we are planning a trip to hoarder hell to work on phase 2 of emptying her house. This trip will focus on bagging every piece of paper. We are expecting to fill about 30 large garbage bags this time. (Already bagged garbage to the tune of 50 hefty bags that all went in the dumpster.) Hoping to be able to move past paper to actual objects next time… Ugh… What a thankless task.</p>
<p>Hugcheck: we know that older brother on the bank accounts is going to get all the money. It’s quite a bit of money too, much more than we thought. We don’t expect to see any of it, and we don’t expect him to reimburse us for anything either. This brother got all their grandmother’s money when she died too, and he didn’t share a penny of it.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on our situation. It helps to know you’re not the only family dealing with wacky behavior.</p>
<p>psychmom - I just went to my mom’s place for the weekend to clean out her attic. 3 of us decided to start taking turns attacking the place. One sib does nothing and no expectation he’ll ever help. However she was there while we did it and every little item is precious to her and it was really hard getting her to decide to part with it. I had to say, mom, you aren’t doing anyone favors giving them wool blankets with moth holes. In fact you bring it somewhere and everything else in the place will get moth holes. But…someone needy would be happy to have it…on and on, every single thing. So at least you can just get to business and not negotiate everything. </p>
<p>bookie - that would drive me crazy, not because I would need/want their money, but why should one sibling get everything?</p>
<p>Bookiemom, the only way to get your BIL name off the accounts and have homecare paid for is to go for conservatorship. There can be an emergency hearing if the hospice social worker sees that no one is taking care of FIL and files a report with adult protective services.</p>
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<p>Then you should make clear to him immediately, in writing, that you will not be laying out another penny. I’d email him today, and follow up with a letter drafted by an attorney.</p>
<p>I’d also send that email Read Receipt, so he can’t pretend he didn’t see it.</p>
<p>Bookiemom, I feel for you. What a crummy situation. (haha, we seem to all have crummy situations here…) Fully agree with LasMa.</p>
<p>eyemamom - we’ve been there, done that with my mom. as you would expect of a hoarder, everything - even a piece of scrap paper - has some bizarre (to the rest of us) meaning to her. when we attacked her house in the past, she followed everyone around taking things back out of our bags and after we left, she went to the dumpster and retrieved many things. now, she seems to have the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ mentality about her house. after the last time when I got rid of 50 bags worth, i took her to pick out some special items and clothes and she didn’t bat an eye at the missing junk. if we accomplish what we want, she might notice the difference if we take her there again. pretty sure that won’t be a good idea, but not ruling anything out at this point. and yes, she will insist the mattresses in her kids’ bedrooms should be given to someone since they are still “good”. Um, no way… they were hand me downs when we got them and we are all 40 and older!!</p>
<p>I tried to approach things in a logical manner with my aunt regarding the things she hoarded over 70 years. She too felt that she should continue to save her belongings in case someone in the family could use them. I finally told her that there was a local women’s shelter that needed household items, (old mattresses, worn towels, yellowed note paper, etc.). She was thrilled to think someone could use the items. I had a friend with a truck help me haul off everything to the dump. Aunt was happy, I was less stressed. I will probably pay for this big time, but for now, everyone is happy. Happy is GOOD!</p>
<p>Nah, I don’t know why you’d ever pay for it. She thinks it’s being put to good use, and your life is considerably simplified. Great solution.</p>
<p>I have a dilemma I’d like to hear opinions. My dad died about 5 years ago. When we were up in the attic there were boxes and boxes of framed pictures that haven’t been looked at since they moved in over 20 something years ago. When I was little and played in the basement this picture hung up down there of him dressed up in a cowboy outfit on a horse. As an adult I can clearly see he went there on vacation and it’s just a funny picture. However, back when I was little I was convinced he was a cowboy, and he would tell me stories that I now know had to have been from the Lone Ranger -lol. No one else has a connection to this except for me. If anyone cared about the picture, it would have hung on a wall somewhere or been on display. When I found it I showed it to my mom and told her the story behind it and that I really wanted it. She wouldn’t let me have it. My husband thought I should have just taken it, made copies and put it back later. She says she’ll make copies, but it’s right back up in the attic again, where she couldn’t even climb the ladder or lift the boxes to get.</p>
<p>I’m really kind of sad that she wouldn’t let me have it. I really didn’t ever ask for a thing, nor do I want anything of hers. Just one picture no one else cares about.</p>
<p>Hi eyemamom. Here’s my thoughts: the next time you are at Mom’s house and have the opportunity, go get that picture, put it in your bag and take it home. Put it away in a box or closet at your own house until after your mom is gone. It should be yours and it was mean-spirited of your mom not to let you have it. It could vanish when your mom finally moves out of the house, so I say make sure you have it now. </p>
<p>My sister has a TON of family photos, all sorted in boxes. There was a photo of me as a young child with my parents (before she was born). I didn’t even ask to have it; I just brought it home. </p>
<p>We were raised in my family to be very honest and of course to never take anything that isn’t yours. But sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith and grab onto something for the future, especially when another family member seems to want to hold onto everything.</p>
<p>I have a different view: people are allowed to be mean-spirited. Presuming that your mother is of sound mind, she has the right to what is hers, and she has the right to be mean-spirited. </p>
<p>This is a slippery slope for me. If children start thinking they can take photos against their parent’s wishes, they are going to start thinking they can take silver and jewelry, against their parent’s wishes.</p>
<p>I guess it’s OK to take the picture because what the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over. But it’s on a slippery slope.</p>
<p>Just need to vent a little. Background: my widowed MIL is still living in the big Colonial home with 20 steps upstairs, on oxygen 24/7, but she has a gas stove so she takes it off “for just a minute” to cook. Has heart failure and has had her toes amputated 10 years ago after sepsis, so her balance is poor. Has osteoporosis too.</p>
<p>Her legs have been swelling up which concerned her dermatologist when she was in. She does not want to see a vascular doc because, we think, she doesn’t want to hear what he might say. I don;t know when she sees her cardiologist next, she often doesn’t tell us, tries to keep health issues to herself for some reason. (Complete opposite of my folks who report in on their cholesterol, C-reactive, and other numbers after ever blood test!)</p>
<p>We are so worried about her living in that big house alone. She doesn’t drive any more and is relying on some friends and her sister, which was fine at the beginning when she first needed O2 but I think they are starting to not be as available.</p>
<p>When we bring up moving to a one floor condo or something, she keeeps telling us that she’ll know when it’s time to move! We hired some aides for her when she had osteoporosis pain so bad she could not get out of bed but she ended up sending them home. She says she will wear a life alert bracelet but then does not follow through.</p>
<p>I see many of you with similar stubborn parents. I totally understand the emotional impact that moving out has. But it frustrates me that she won’t go see a doc because she’s afraid of a diagnosis - what if there is a med he can give? It seems so immature to stick your head in the sand. And we have come to terms wiht the fact that it is her choice to risk falling down the stairs, but if that does happen, we will feel awful. She does not take into consideration how her kids feel worrying about her. </p>
<p>Well, it feels better to get it out in a little rant. I don’t suppose anyone has any solutions, but thanks for listening :)</p>
<p>I feel for all of you. Here’s the other extreme: My father is something of a hypochondriac. He has always taken care of his health issues and now that he’s 91 and has a bazillion things going wrong, he’s always going to a doctor to see if there’s a magic pill or something. Most of the time it’s the same old heart or COPD issues and there’s really nothing that can make it better, but you never know. 
He’s in assisted living now but even when he was on his own he was conscientious about taking his meds. </p>
<p>I dearly hope when he goes it’s by every system quitting suddenly at once. I would hate to see him in a years-long slide downhill, getting worse by degrees.</p>
<p>surfcity - all I can say is I get it, and welcome to the club. My mom can hardly shuffle across the room and she lives in a place with 4 flights of stairs. She tells me she won’t fall because she’s careful. She also won’t do the life alert. I tell her she gives me nightmares of her falling down the stairs and lying there for hours.</p>
<p>ECmotherx2, we have a niece that serves the same function your women’s shelter did. She and her family live far enough away that MIL/FIL never get there, so any old thing that needs to be gotten rid of can “go to” that granddaughter. My kids are getting old enough that some of the stuff may start “going to” their apartments out of town.</p>
<p>I compare it to telling kids that an unwanted pet was “sent to live with a nice farm family.”</p>
<p>(Note we never told our kids that, and never abandoned pets.)</p>
<p>Oh, dear, we had two little ducklings, Mack and Quack, and they WERE “sent to live with a nice farm family” when they got too big for our backyard and kiddie pool. They were family friends (my former kindergarten teacher). But we do wonder if Mack and Quack ever ended up as dinner…</p>
<p>I would take the photo, scan it, print as many copies as you like for yourself and put the original back.</p>
<p>I did have a moment, one moment, when I got into one of the boxes my mother was hoarding in her bedroom. I threw out handfuls of treasures. This is one example of those: a review of best restaurants in Jerusalem. Dated in the late 90’s. She never had ties to Israel, never, ever mentioned traveling there, it’s probably near the bottom of any list of places she’d want to visit. But she liked, I guess, the idea that, someday, if people were discussing their travel expertise, she could tell them the better restaurants in Jerusalem. </p>
<p>I asked her to contribute some suitable business clothes to a place the specializes in getting women back to work- and she exploded with outrage. Not giving her precious, expensive things to…(I swear,) the needy. </p>
<p>Yes I would take the picture from the attic. I’d copy it and later return it (or a duplicate, if the original held family value.) She and I are still estranged, btw.</p>