Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>There was some discussion a while back on this thread about how honest to be with the parents. Someone came up with the idea of “shaded truth” or “truth with a spin.”</p>

<p>Fang, I get what you’re saying about the slippery slope. Shaded truth, in the hands of some people, is a dangerous thing. My assumption about the people here is that we have our parents’ best interest at heart, and we deal in good faith to the best of our sometimes limited ability. </p>

<p>For me, openness and honesty assumes both parties have some capacity to understand, to weigh competing ideas, to empathize, to remember what was discussed about the issue last week. All too often, my parents don’t meet ANY of these criteria. Conversations which are 100% honest can upset and frustrate them, to no good purpose. If I were guided by their ideas in everything, they’d be in a heap of trouble. Honesty is indeed the best policy… except. I’ve learned that the principles which govern all of my other relationships don’t necessarily work when dealing with my parents. </p>

<p>Today my dad (who didn’t know who I was and called me “Gloria” which is not my name) asked me when he gets to leave skilled nursing. Well, the honest answer to that question is, “When you die, and it won’t be long now.” What I said was, “When the doctor says you can,” which is also the truth, but not the relevant truth. I deceived him. Was I wrong? I don’t think so.</p>

<p>eyeamom, does your mom have any dementia, including personality change? Twenty years ago, would she have given you the picture without a fuss? If so, maybe you could explain the situation to any siblings and see if they have a problem. If they don’t, then IMO you can take the picture with a clear conscience.</p>

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<p>To LasMa- yes to all of it. There’s a reason my mom keeps saying “Let me get my head on straight!” Because often, she just can’t. I think what you told your dad was quite reasonable given the circumstances.</p>

<p>Eyemamom- I would take and copy the picture and return it. (With no guilt.)</p>

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<p>I was operating under the assumption that the mother was a person who still had her mental faculties, if perhaps some physical limitations. If she is shading into dementia, as so many of our parents are, and would have given the picture to the daughter if she’d been asked ten years ago, then it’s a different story, and I would take the picture and copy it without a second thought.</p>

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<p>You could be right about that assumption, Fang; I don’t think it’s exactly clear in eyeamom’s post. I was tossing it out there as something for her to think about.</p>

<p>I didn’t mean to jump on you about the slippery slope, because it sure can be if you’re talking about people with not-so-great character or motives. My uncle stole my grandmother’s estate over a period of several years, in exactly that way. </p>

<p>We have firm rules for ourselves that have served us pretty well up till now. But in these many gray areas with our parents, it seems to go case-by-case. At least, that’s what I’ve found. It makes for a confusing path.</p>

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<p>^Yes to the discussion above. This is a different thing from what happened with my grandparents (years ago). One of the aunts (an inlaw who is no longer with the family!) was an antique collector and systematically took everything of value that she wanted. I don’t know why the other siblings didn’t confront her. I was a little kid then.</p>

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<p>Picture update - I live 4+ hours from mom. I told my sis about it - I was actually kind of upset about it. Mom doesn’t have dementia but she’s taken the death of my father worse than I’ve ever seen anyone take the death of a spouse. They were very close and he is the one who really did everything.</p>

<p>So when my mom wasn’t in the frenzy of having to decide what to get rid of she agreed I should have the picture, but she wants copies of everything, which of course is fine. I host Thanksgiving so my sister told her that was the deadline, to give it to me then. We’ll see.</p>

<p>Did I mention the wedding dresses? Hers and my nana’s were just in bags, I took them to the dry cleaners/dress restorers here and they are able to completely fix my moms, my nana’s I’m not so sure. However, I plan on making something out of them for all the grandkids for weddings/babies. Maybe pocket handkerchiefs for the boys, some kind of hanky for the girls maybe some ring bearer pillows. So mom was willing to hand over the wedding dresses, but not one picture of thousands.</p>

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<p>I wrote a long post but rewrote it. I now agree with the grey area of lies when it makes no sense to be honest with someone who is demented. I agree with taking photographs that are irreplaceable. I would like to add that I am one of the most honest people I know…</p>

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<p>eyeamom, your mom may actually be in the early stages of dementia, or it could be the inability to cope with the loss of your father. But memory loss isn’t always the first symptom of dementia. For my mom, it was personality change and uncharacteristic inconsistency. </p>

<p>I hope you do get that picture because it means so much to you, and she did at one point want you to have it. And that’s a lovely idea about the wedding dresses living on in another form.</p>

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<p>I love this thread! It serves as a reminder that my Mom is not all that unusual in most of her inappropriate behaviors!!! This may have already been discussed but bare with me. My Mom often misplaces things and then is convinced someone has “stolen” that item. She usually eventually forgets about it and sooner or later the item will turn up. She has a diamond ring that was my great-grandmothers and is very valuable (probably >$10,000). She has always enjoyed wearing it, even though we have warned her that it makes her a target. Even now that she rarely gets out, she wears it at home. A couple of years ago, it disappeared and she insisted someone stole it. My sister and I would look for it each time we were there and after about 6 months my sister found it in the toe of a sock where my Mom had hidden it. Last week I was cleaning up some of her “piles” and found the ring in the bottom of a shoe box amidst mostly trash- I almost threw it out. I didn’t even tell her- I just took it home and told my siblings that I had it and was putting it in a safe deposit box. My Mom just mentioned to me that it is missing but doesn’t seem too concerned at this point. So far I have just changed the subject or told her “oh, don’t worry- it will turn up”. She loves this ring and enjoys wearing it so I’m feeling like maybe I’m overstepping and I should let her have it back. If she loses it, she loses it. Anyone else having similar issues?</p>

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<p>Sorry- that should have been “bear with me”. I don’t want everyone out there to start stripping down… LOL.</p>

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<p>^^ LOL.</p>

<p>Funny you should ask about the stealing issue, because this has come up in a big way recently with my mom. Last weekend, all “stolen” items were accounted for.</p>

<p>About a year ago, Mom started telling the staff at her Assisted Living that her tin of fancy cheese had been stolen by “Joe” (one of the aides, not his real name). Here’s what really happened: She and I were cleaning out the fridge, and I noticed that there was a sloshing sound inside the cheese tin. I told her that I was going to take it home and throw it away, and she agreed. I have told her this repeatedly, but she has no memory of the incident.</p>

<p>Then about a month ago, a ring went missing. It’s not terribly valuable, but it was her mother’s engagement ring, so of course it’s important. Well, she decided that Joe must have stolen it, and apparently took to loudly berating him in the dining room and anywhere else she saw him. She even offered him $200 to “go down to the pawn shop and get it back.” Last weekend the cleaning staff found it under her nightstand.</p>

<p>She had two bottles of wine which she wanted to give to my brother. She insists that one evening, Joe walked into her apartment, opened the fridge, took one of the bottles, and walked out – in full view of herself and another aide. How this one was “solved” is actually kind of funny. Last Saturday (the same day the ring was found), my brother and I met Mom for dinner down in the AL dining room. She brought a bottle down with her and gave it to him, saying “I had two bottles to give you, but Joe stole the other one.” After dinner, we went up to her apartment and I put the bottle with my purse on the coffee table. As I was doing that, Mom went to the kitchen, pulled a bottle out of the cupboard and gave it to my brother, saying “I had two bottles to give you, but Joe stole the other one.” I held up the first bottle and said, “You mean this one?” The look on her face! She said, “No, no, Joe took that one. I saw him.” “Mom, I’m holding it in my hand. You just gave this one to Brother a few minutes ago…”</p>

<p>The odd thing is, she seemed disappointed. I said, “Don’t you feel better now, knowing that no one is stealing your stuff?” She looked down and muttered, “No.” Probably she was too embarrassed. When I suggested that she owed Joe an apology, she firmly shook her head.</p>

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<p>Sounds familiar-poor Joe!!! My Mom is constantly trying to give things to the grandchildren, but then later insists that someone borrowed that item and forgot to return it, or that it was stolen. My kids have strict instructions not to accept anything from Grandma. Even when it is something of little value, we will be sure to hear later about how the grandchildren need to be more responsible about returning things. She will also impulsively try to give an expensive piece of jewelry to a grandchild if they happen to compliment it. Fortunately, all of the kids worry that if they get something it might not be fair to the other grandchildren. They are all great about telling Grandma it would be better if she just hung on to it for now.</p>

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<p>The “stolen stuff” … typically this is a person’s attempt to cover for not remember where they put things … and to make it worse, since they “know” things are being stolen they hide other things to keep them from being stolen and then can’t remember where they hid them. You can not reason with them or convince them things are not being stolen … they really believe they are. When my Mom starting hiding things, including family heirloom jewelry, we intervened … we proactively took anything of value (monetary or emotionally) and put it in safe keeping. And it Mom asked about them (which was not frequent) told the shaded truth … “Mom, you’re right, your ring is not in the jewelry box … I’m sure we’ll find it and keep it safe”.</p>

<p>This stuff is not fun.</p>

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<p>I had read that the number one place that robbers look for items of old people is in the sock drawer! then the refrigerator freezer.</p>

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<p>My mother also thinks people steal from her. But she also thinks people put things in her house to confuse her!!! After a while, I usually find what she is missing somewhere in her house. She and I went through a lot of stuff in the basement a year ago and a year later she totally forgot she had already seen what was down there!</p>

<p>I dread getting old.</p>

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<p>I am at my mother’s house right now. She’s 90, fit, mentally all there, and lives alone. She does yard work, takes a vigorous walk with hills twice a day, and has no really significant health issues. Tomorrow, she is FINALLY have her first cataract operation. It took quite a while to push her into doing it.</p>

<p>So she and I are very, very lucky.</p>

<p>My question is about hearing aids. My mother is hard of hearing, and it is a problem for her particularly on the phone. It can make it difficult for her to take care of some of her business affairs, particularly when she encounters either a fast/soft spoken person with some kind of unfamiliar accent, or an answering system with a lot of options. (She’s also a bit of a technophobe.) Being able to hear better would be a definite quality of life enhancement for her. But she is reluctant to look into hearing aids, even though she needs them and can easily afford them, even though SHE doesn’t think so. (She is very frugal, although not actually neurotically so.) She knows she needs them, but she has been putting it off for far too long.</p>

<p>Is there any place where one can go and try hearing aids before committing to buying them? I figure that if I could get her to try them, she might be sold on the idea of going ahead with it.</p>

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<p>The stealing stuff, yep, BTDT, but at least she didn’t pick a certain person to accuse. The staff at the AL place won’t toss her stuff to look for it so she worries for the month or 6 weeks until I can get there and find it for her. We have found stuff in the strangest places… necklace at the bottom of the kleenex box under the kleenex… didn’t find that until the kleenex ran out. </p>

<p>consolation … COSTCO. I have heard good things about the stores that have hearing aid services. And I’d try hard to get her hearing fixed because not understanding and getting cut off from people due to not hearing is a cause of dementia. My H and I are both heading to Costco soon for a fitting/checkout. We are both tired of accusing the other of mumbling.</p>

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<p>My Mom finally broke down and consented to hearing aids after I told her that we were tired of having to repeat everything 3 times LOUDLY! I also pointed out that she was being left out of conversation in group settings. Costco was significantly less expensive than anywhere else and I was very impressed with the audiologist there. However- just a warning!! The first thing the audiologist repeated over and over to my Mom was that if she wasn’t going to commit to wearing her hearing aids during all waking hours that she should not waste her money on them. Once the hearing aids are fitted, the brain has to be retrained to pick up the signal and translate it to something we understand (Obviously in the simplest terms). If the user doesn’t wear them routinely, that won’t happen. Of course my Mom swore up and down that she would wear them. Once she had them, she would forget to charge them and if she did charge them she would forget to put them back in. I know she has tried, but with her slight dementia, she just doesn’t seem to have been able to use them on a regular basis. Her part-time caregiver and I constantly remind her but as soon as we are not around she takes them out. As a result, they are useless and we are still yelling everything at her. Her TV is at 100% volume -it’s crazy. Just be aware of this before your Mom spends the money for them!</p>

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<p>Surfcity,</p>

<p>My dad (90) was in the hospital 3 times in a year for cellulitis before he finally saw a vascular specialist who did a scan to make sure there wasn’t a clot, and who prescribed custom-fitted elastic stockings. He washes them in the shower. And his legs look a lot better than mine!</p>

<p>No meds, no surgery, just the stockings fixed the problem. And he used ace bandages which really helped until the stockings were ready.</p>

<p>Maybe his story would help your mom.</p>

<p>Good luck–I have to go to my dad’s twice a week to take him shopping so he has no excuse to drive. It’s really hard, I know.</p>

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<p>One of the first clues about my mother’s dementia was when she claimed someone broke into her apartment and stole things, tampered with her stove, etc. She changed the locks and I had to be concerned that she’d let me in since I didn’t have the new key yet. Fortunately, she did.</p>

<p>Fast forward, she still claims people at the nursing home steal from her, altho I will say that even things I’ve put away in her drawers (which she doesn’t go into) have disappeared. Most of the time, though, she’s misplaced them.</p>