Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>Time to post, I guess. My mom passed away on the 26th. The infection that had spread to her knee replacement hardware finally overpowered the antibiotics and she started to go septic and had kidney failure on the 23rd, when she was admitted to the hospital. When I got home from 5k practice, there were calls from my dad and sister. DH got me a frequent flyer ticket and I was out the door six hours later. </p>

<p>I got there mid-morning on Thursday and she had gone into cardiac arrest overnight. She was still communicative, and I got to spend time with her showing her pics of S1’s wedding (the official pics just came in – she had seen some of the other ones already). Three of my other sibs were also there, with the fourth coming in periodically. Overnight she took a turn for the worse and when I got there Friday morning, my youngest sister and my dad and I were there for her last words – she was trying to say the Lord’s Prayer. I read her some Psalms. She went into a coma, but could still hear us.</p>

<p>The docs said that she would not survive anesthesia if they went in to remove the sepsis in her leg (her BP was in the 50s over 25-30 on max dosage), and between that, the cardiac arrest, diabetes, kidney failure and need for oxygen, the doctors were pretty clear there was nothing they could do. All five of us kids and Dad talked that morning and Dad implemented the plans he and Mom had discussed and put her on comfort meds only. </p>

<p>My other sister pulled her cell phone out mid-afternoon and started playing Mom’s favorite Neil Diamond songs, which got a couple of toe taps and a small smile from her. It was a brilliant move on my sister’s part. Mom passed away a little after midnight that evening, the day before her 74th birthday.</p>

<p>We had birthday cake and a balloon release for Mom on the 27th. Funeral was last Tuesday and I stayed through the week to help Dad. He is doing pretty well – he is hugely comforted by her final words. Trying to sit shiva in an Irish Catholic house is surreal. Found a shul in Augusta that had daily services, and they made sure there was a minyan for me every day I was in town. These folks didn’t know me from a hole in the wall, but I will always remember their kindness when I needed it most.</p>

<p>Dad wanted me to make a pall for Mom’s cremains, so I kept busy embroidering. Good therapy. He wants to use the same one for himself and have it placed in the crypt when he and Mom go in together, but I am not ready to add that part now. </p>

<p>After nine years of being bedridden and in pain, Mom is no longer suffering. Now it’s one day at a time for the rest of us.</p>

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<p>When you consider these moves, consider whether she will later need another move. Your mom does sound like she is sliding into dementia. And as all of us here know, dementia is progressive. So even if a Board & Care situation would work for her now, consider how long she would still be able to stay in such a situation, and how she would react to a second move once she was no longer able to stay in Board & Care. It might be that a move directly to a Memory Care unit would work better for her, because she’d be able to settle in and not have to move again.</p>

<p>I’d be surprised if this was the first case of unfounded theft accusations the director had experienced. When I Googled about dementia and accusations of stealing, I found page after page documenting that people with dementia frequently make unfounded accusations of stealing, as their mind tries to deal with its inability to form new memories. A lot of the stories were heartbreaking, because elders were accusing their own children of stealing misplaced items. And in some cases, the elders became estranged from their families, locking daughters and sons out of their houses and so forth, because in their confusion they decided their children were stealing from them.</p>

<p>Travelnut’s idea of reducing complexity seems spot-on. Good luck. No easy answers.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry, CountingDown. May happy memories of your mother in healthy days bring you solace.</p>

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<p>What a touching tale, CD. Sorry for your loss, but how wonderful that you all could be with her.</p>

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<p>My condolences countingdown. I’m glad the shul was good to you.</p>

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<p>CountingDown - my condolences. It’s never easy in any circumstance. I’m glad you all had each other. It was very touching to hear how she was surrounded by her husband and children.</p>

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<p>So sorry for your mother’s passing, CountingDown. I’m glad you could all take comfort from each other (and from strangers at shul) and that your mother’s wishes were honored.</p>

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<p>Condolences CountingDown. It sounds like your mother was much loved by her family. Many happy and loving memories for you and yours.</p>

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<p>CountingDown, so glad that you and your family were able to be together in such a meaningful way for this transition. It does make a big difference in dealing with the loss.</p>

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<p>Thinking of you, countingdown. Thank you for sharing your story. It is clear that you are blessed with a wonderful family.</p>

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<p>Prayers and hugs CD to you and your family. To be able to come together as a family and express your love for your mom and for eachother is a blessing. I think that is the meaning of death with dignity.</p>

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<p>CountingDown, thank you so much for sharing the final goodbye to your mother. My mother also loves Neil Diamond, I’m going to be sure I have some of her favorite songs on my phone now.</p>

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<p>So sorry for your loss.</p>

<p>My husband had a similar experience when his dad died. He wanted to go to temple and a local temple welcomed him to their morning service. He ended up going for 11 months. At the end of that time, he decided to continue going since without him, they wouldn’t always have a minyan.</p>

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<p>Maybe you could get a nice thank you card for “Joe” and a generous gift card and express your appreciation that he is a gentleman and continues to be gracious in light of your mother’s baseless acusations. I doubt there is anything that will make her lose her focus on him as the bad guy.</p>

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<p>CountingDown- condolences on the lose of your mother. She was fortunate to have your support. Take good care; the world can seem upside down for awhile. You are wise to appreciate the peace that is the end of suffering, even as you grieve.</p>

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<p>CD - so sorry for your loss. :(</p>

<p>Thank you to whomever suggested the elastic stockings for my MIL (it’s several pages back now). I will look into that and more delicately, try to make it look like it was HER idea!</p>

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<p>Just logging in to give a big thumbs up to the “live in their world” strategy. Today I took my mom out of the memory care facility for a little scenic drive, her first pleasure outing since she entered a few weeks ago. As we were driving she said, “should we pick up my father?” I just said “not today, it’s a little too far to drive” and she was content! Later she worried because she didn’t have keys to her house (not sure which house) so I just said, “you’re going to be staying at the resort tonight” and she was happy. No arguing, lecturing or frustration. Things could change tomorrow, but I’m so thankful to have had one really pleasant day together. And it was oddly comforting to talk about my father and grandfather as though they are still with us- like our own little Dia de Muertos.</p>

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<p>Brilliant, momsquad. So glad it worked for you.</p>

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<p>Momsquad, so glad you and your mom had such a nice visit. I think I will try that as well with my mom when she forgets unimportant details rather than calling her in it and embarrassing her. It’s always nice to have happy times, which help make the rest easier to handle.</p>

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<p>CountingDown I’m sorry for your loss.</p>