<p>eyemamom - luckily your mom knows she’s in a mess even if she is stubborn about what to do about it. Perhaps next time you are visiting, your brother could get you added to the bank account. Then it really is a simple matter (I’ve done this) to get the bills forwarded to your address and you can pay them. There are details to be worked out, but this worked very well for me when I was dealing with my mother who lived out of state.</p>
<p>Eyeamom- sorry for all you are facing. As described, unfortunately, it is a common scenario of elder deterioration and good intentions accompanied by decreased function and the persistence of pride. It is worrisome and upsetting, as well as data to be used by all family members going forward. I have walked this walk and have a few ideas based on what helped me. YMMV. </p>
<p>On a pragmatic note, do see if you can work with brother so that a capable person can pay bills. I found it very easy to contact utilities, insurance companies, etc. and have bills or copies of all mailings sent to me (as PoA). In my case, it didn’t make sense for the elders to also receive the bills, so they just came to my house. I paid them online, with my parents’ cooperation. </p>
<p>It is good that your mother is acknowledging some of her current limitations. I would be empathic, take her at her word, and note that almost everyone her age needs to change how some things are done. Then I would propose options. This can be a lot of finessing with some personality types. “How about if try x and you let me know how it works?” Once everything is so darn hard, it is rarer that elders want to keep re-visiting a problem that is solved. </p>
<p>Contact with Drs. is important, so hopefully, she would sign releases that allow a Dr. to speak with family member/s “in case of emergency”. Even if she won’t do this, most Drs. will listen to a relative’s concerns and stir that into assessment and recommendations, even if they can’t share much. </p>
<p>Normalize all of this- “most of my friend’s parents are doing x and y- it seems to help.” Peace of mind for all is your goal. It must be terrible to be with it enough to know that things are sliding, but you can’t stop it. Most of all, this is a process. It will take time and repeated conversations and reassurance. Be good to yourself as you try to sort it out. Some people are able to prevent dangerous situations, others wind up with few alternatives, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes knowing their kids are upset gives elders a way to save face and accept plans they would otherwise reject. I always worked hard to keep my eye on the prize. I had parents who ultimately were cooperative with a move to be closer to me, but still spent hours on the phone with them weekly for a few months to talk it all out and reassure them. Best to you.</p>
<p>This thread is a great support. We are dealing with a new situation with my MIL and FIL. My H has asked that I not consult with his siblings and my sister-in-law about this, so I thought this group might be the next best stop. </p>
<p>What is a good weekly budget for groceries for food and miscellaneous items (toothpaste, toilet paper, etc.) for an elderly gentleman (age 83) and his live-in male (age 50ish) caregiver? The live-in will do the cooking, so home-made meals are possible. We have done some research on the internet, and found weekly food costs by gender/age group. All costs have been adjusted to price levels as of August 2007. There is a thrifty plan that indicates costs of $66/week. The low-cost plan is $88/week. The moderate plan is $100/week. The liberal plan is $120/week. This is just food, and the source says that all food and snacks are prepared at home.</p>
<p>Don’t ask about the budget for MIL. That is a long story.</p>
<p>How much can your FIL and MIL afford? What is their income? investments? Is the MIL and FIL cognitively aware? What were the spending before the “new” situation? Who is paying? Is the live-in caregiver working on wages or room and board? Does your husband have POA? </p>
<p>As you can see, there are no simple answers.</p>
<p>Agree with the above post. My folks are in their 80s. Their regular routine is to have a modest breakfast at home, dine out with friends/family nearly every day, and go out to dinner often with others several times a week. They have the means to do this and that is their normal. </p>
<p>Others have different realities and resources, especially if relying on resources of others. No ONE answer indeed.</p>
<p>I think part of it depends on where you live and the particulars of how they eat. Is he accustomed to pb & j for lunch or lobster salad? I imagine an 83 yo is not eating huge meals.</p>
<p>A ballpark for me for that situation would probably be $100/wk and then I’d see how it went.</p>
<p>GTalum, you have hit the nail on the head. It is complicated. Maybe I will come back later and explain the situation on this thread, but for now, it is just too difficult to discuss.</p>
<p>Mom2kids2dogs- sounds like you are dealing with a lot. While of course all budgets require that the numbers work, I would also find it helpful to look at the process of determining a starting point for food expenses and then expect the situation to be fine-tuned as it shakes out. This impacts how you negotiate the entire arrangement with the caregiver, building in checkpoints in advance, with accountability measures in place from the beginning. Others have posed excellent questions to consider also. I have found that it is very important to set clear expectations with caregivers from the beginning and encourage lines of communication. Not exactly your original question, but related, regardless of location or lifestyle.
Best to your family.</p>
<p>if this helps- i pay $154 per month for 5 days a week 2 meals a day one person meals on wheels. this would come to $300 a month for 2 not including weekends. I say start at $100 per week.</p>
<p>That does help. I did not know you could pay for meals on wheels. I thought it was like financial aid, you can only get meals on wheels if you qualify for assistance, in other words tell them your financial situation. MIL and FIL would not qualify for aid. But I only checked Brunswick Co., NC, and maybe it is different where MIL and FIL live. Any advice on this? Sorry to hijack the thread.</p>
<p>I live in Colorado and I know here the elderly can pay for it at $7 a day 2 meals but they are delivered frozen once a week. In PA where my mother lives I just looked it up on the internet grey gormet or meals on wheels- they had meals on wheels. Where my mother lives they say it is for people that ‘do not get out much and need help with meals’. I never thought about financial aid (she would not qualify)- I just offered to pay the regular price. I have online banking and I send them $154 per month (I just took a guess at an average of $7 per day) The service is not only to deliver the meals but to check on shutins with a nice ‘hi’ daily. They only come once a day with 2 meals for the day. She has a small cooler at the door when she is not home on Fridays (she goes up the street to ‘volunteer’) and they leave it in the cooler. They even deliver on Christmas. I felt that that this is a good alternative to worrying about if she had food. I also thought of Swansons as they deliver too but it takes alittle more prep. I know there are some grocery stores in big cities that deliver too.</p>
<p>Thank you so much, Rockymtnhigh.</p>
<p>I did meals on wheels for my parents, it really was helpful and gave me peace of mind. My parents have since moved in with me. I hope all goes well.</p>
<p>I just looked up where my mom lives and the requirement is no more than 2k in savings. I’m guessing each individual program will set their criteria.</p>
<p>I just looked up Meals on Wheels in my mother’s area, and it is based on need and not finances. I will have her pay at least the cost.</p>
<p>My mom was supposed to stay out on the East Coast with my brother & his family until January, but she became so nasty she is no longer welcome their so it returning to the West Coast next month. I’ve been freaking out about it and not dealing with it constructively. Well, I guess my stress eating is constructing extra inches and my online ordering is construction additional wardrobe outfits. . .But then, I remembered a friend sent me this mantra which was given to her by another friend and minister who got it from a mentor. I found that it really helps.</p>
<p>The mantra:</p>
<p>My mom is fine just as she is.
I can try to understand why she does what she does, but I don’t have to.
I give her to God.
I am fine letting her be just as she is.</p>
<p>I think I was expending a lot of energy wishing she were different and nicer to me, etc. Obviously, such thinking isn’t really useful since any change had to come from me. This mantra is to help me let go and get to a place of true forgiveness. I made copies and put one in my wallet, one on my laptop, another near my kitchen table, and another near my bed. I can’t remind myself too often!</p>
<p>Checking in with an update on my mom. Reading all of your stories fills me with admiration and the conviction that I am very lucky to be at the relative beginning of al of this with my mom. My dad got sick so suddenly and died within weeks that we never really had to do any planning around it. A blessing for all of us, especially my dad.</p>
<p>My mom will most likely be different experience. On Tuesday, i took her for her physical. i had finally convinced her to be honest with him about her breathing difficulties.</p>
<p>So she did. After examining her and getting the details (she told him that this breathing trouble started in April. OMG. It’s been getting progressively worse for years) he looked at her CT scan from September that she had following her pneumonia. It showed Emphysemic changes. Not sure why he didn’t call her two months ago with that one.</p>
<p>Long story short, he tested her oxygen levels and it was 90. Very concerning. She is going tomorrow for a stress test, a pulmonary test and a chest x-ray.</p>
<p>Her biggest fear is the need to go on oxygen. That has been the cause of her denial and her reluctance to face it.</p>
<p>CountingDown, my deepest condolences on your loss.</p>
<p>new to this thread and need advice on Medicare supplement plan for my mom. </p>
<p>She’s 85 and very healthy. Doesn’t see a doctor, nor take any Rx. Besides dentist & eye doctor, last time she saw a doctor was 2 years ago when she broke her wrist.</p>
<p>She has a Medicare Supplement plan through former employer, which after a 25% subsidy is $3500/year with a $500 deductible (90% dr visits/80% Rx). The employer regular plan does cover prescription, so she has a ‘Creditable Coverage’ in lieu of Part D. (she’s technically on former employer’s BCBS plan, but it is secondary to Medicare) </p>
<p>She’s in Montgomery County MD. A quick search of plans offered indicate she can get a good B/D supplement plan from Aetna for $2900. I also see Medicare Advantage for $735. </p>
<p>I’ve had a crash course on Medicare this week, but still not sure what the right areas I need to compare her plan to pure supplements plan or what could trip her up if she leaves the employer plan and goes to Medicare on her own. </p>
<p>Also, the Advantage plans seems very cheap, which makes me suspicious of the coverage.</p>
<p>She lives on her SSI, owns her house and is still quite independent. Besides the house, her only significant asset is her pension rollover (now ~$100k), which I’m managing, however she only takes the minimum out every year. A major medical event would wipe her out.</p>
<p>You can contact the executive office on aging at her Department of health to get free, unbiased info about her options. They do not sell plans but are familiar with the options and answer questions. Good luck!</p>
<p>Re meals - I know our local senior center has daily meals for something around $2. A lot of the seniors here love it becuase they also socialize while eating. You might check with your senior center.</p>
<p>And difficult mothers - my mil is right up there. We are leaving her be as well. If she wants to give us the silent treatment, so be it. She knows where to find us when she gets over it.</p>
<p>Oxygen is one of the few treatments that have been shown to prolong life in patients who use it as prescribed. Send me a PM if you’d like more info and resources. COPD Foundation has a wealth of info including a toll-free COPD info line that is staffed with copd patients and caregivers that can also provide support and answer questions. The American Lung Assn has some support groups as well.</p>