<p>LasMa, hugs to you and yours. You succeeded in this difficult passage - congrat’s, as odd as that sounds. I’m sure your dad is smiling on you all and thanks you, too.</p>
<p>Lasma, your post proves than even death can be beautiful when we accept it with understanding and compassion, congratulations to you for guiding your father through the last passage.</p>
<p>And you have the husband you deserve, bless his heart!</p>
<p>Lasma, my condolences on your loss. It is wonderful that your dad and your mom had you their to help ease your Dad’s anxiety.</p>
<p>I am here to add that FIL died last friday. He went peacefully in his sleep. It is tough on my H.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss, anothermom2.</p>
<p>Anothermom2, sending prayers and hugs.</p>
<p>Anothermom, I am sorry for your and your H’s loss. I hope there is peace.</p>
<p>Anothermom2: I’m sorry for your family’s loss.</p>
<p>Anothermom2- sorry for the loss your father in law.</p>
<p>anothermom2, it’s tough when it happens around the holidays. Wishing you and your H peace.</p>
<p>Anothermom2, I am sorry for your loss. I’m sure your H is counting on you for a lot.</p>
<p>Our family is all churned up because my older brother (65) is in the late stages of ALS/Lou Gherig’s disease, a fatal and paralyzing neurological disorder. Among the many problems he faces, our Mom (85) has late stage Alzheimers. Her repeated questions of him - why can’t he do this or that - just drain him, emotionally. For awhile he asked that she not visit, which stressed her out! You can’t just say to Mom “don’t ask about X when you visit” because those sorts of request require short-term memory so do not stick in her mind for even 10 minutes. (I call that “teflon”). I’m sure people weather this between spouses, but for a Mother/Child relationship, where the adult child is predeceasing a noncomprehending parent, it’s brutal. It’s going to be a long (who knows how many) months ahead.</p>
<p>Any communication tips from those who navigated an elder through other family losses? The tips often apply, even if the details do not. For example, an elder in poor health losing their healthier spouse compares, almost.</p>
<p>anothermom2, I am sorry for your DH and your loss so near the holiday. It takes a while to make the life and not the death be the conversation at holiday dinners, but it can happen (MIL died Thanksgiving day 34 years ago…the transition happened slowly, but it happened).</p>
<p>paying2 , IDK how to help or what to suggest. I would actually just not take her to see him. My mom has dementia and short term memory loss. We sold the stuff in her house and it is rented now. I told her once that was happening, then dropped it. Now just make excuses as to why she can’t go there. I would vote for brother’s comfort over hers, but you know your family best.
Hugs from cyber space, you are in a horrible place.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry, paying3. Your family is in a difficult situation.</p>
<p>The only strategy I can think of for your brother, or you when you are with your mother and brother, is distraction, like you’d do with a toddler. If your mother seems like she’s about to ask why your brother can’t X, just completely change the subject. Or if you don’t head her off, and she does ask why he can’t X, again just completely change the subject. But it might not help at all.</p>
<p>Am2, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m wondering if eventually every family has a death near the holidays that affects the mood for a long time. My dad died on Christmas Day years ago but it still affects our family get-togethers to some extent.
P3T, I know what you’re going through. My sister has ALS and my mom has dementia. My mom is completely insensitive because she is so unaware of what she’s saying and how she’s saying it. A phrase that drives my sister crazy- “You just don’t know what it’s like to lose your independence!” Um, yes she does. Mom aggravates my sister pretty easily these days. I agree with the distract strategy. My mom is pretty easily distracted and due to memory problems, can’t easily return to a previous topic. But I would honor your brother’s wishes as much as possible, even if it makes your mom unhappy. My sister is 44.</p>
<p>paying3, wow. First, I’m so sorry about your brother. Parent issues aside, that’s rough for you.</p>
<p>I agree with eso. I think I would just try to keep Mom away from Brother as much as possible. Think up a stock excuse, and use it over and over. It’s not as if she’ll remember it from one day to the next.</p>
<p>That’s good advice. Put brother’s wishes first, and if he does permit a rare visit, use distraction on Mom during the visit. Count on CC members for heartfelt common sense! </p>
<p>And psychmomma, just when I thought nobody could possibly have a similar situation, there it is in your household. We are never alone, really. Thank you all for the ideas, all very helpful.</p>
<p>My condolences, anothermom.</p>
<p>We also used the distraction concept on my grandmother, who would occasionally tear off about something, go on and on. It helped us to know what she could be happily distracted by- usually some interesting news about my girls. “Did I tell you…?” Then, of course, she wanted to hear more and was engaged in a different direction. Sorry about your brother, P3T. And your sister Pmomma.</p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>While I’m not certain I have any concrete advice, I understand what P3T is dealing with. My older brother, who was living with my dad who had dementia, was admitted to a hospital in April of 2012 and never came back home. He died in a rehab facility that July from lung cancer. My dad didn’t seem to have a clue about what was going on. Once my brother was gone the acceleration in my dad’s decline was unbelievable. He died six months later. I am so sorry that you must bear this weight. Hugs to you. You are less alone than you think.</p>
<p>Anothermom2 - sorry for your loss. I think my father in law may not be living for much longer. DH is now mourning the loss of not being able to pick up the phone and call him as FIL mostly wants to sleep with his eyes closed and not able to pick up a phone. </p>
<p>Certainly the advice of distraction for the demented parent seems like the best. I can’t say I have been in a similar situation.</p>
<p>I hosted Thanksgiving this year and my niece, who lives with my mom, just broke down crying to me and her mom (my sis) My mom is VERY difficult and my niece doesn’t know what to do. She is living with her for free while she goes to school f/t and works part time. Mom has always just been very demanding. There is never a please or thank you. Here’s my laundry - and hands it to her. Bring up my groceries, etc. Niece says she walks in the door after a long day and it’s a long list of demands, no how was your day, she can’t even walk in, put down her stuff, change her clothes before mom is hammering her with her to do lists. She has one day off a week and mom has her running her errands, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry all day long. </p>
<p>Yet, when I sat and talked with my mom she talks about how she doesn’t ask her for anything. She really doesn’t see how demanding she is - it’s “just” one thing - only it’s a thousand one things - none of which you can claim is ridiculous. </p>
<p>Mom refuses to hire someone to come in a few days a week - who could do the laundry, cook a few meals, go grocery shopping, help organize bills, put away things, etc. I told my niece she has to call her out on the please and thank you at the time. Next semester she’s taking 6 classes and maybe the only way mom will get help is for her to just not be available.</p>