<p>Eyemamom- There is no such thing as a free lunch. If your niece is living with your mom, she should certainly expect to be doing things around the house in lieu of rent. It seems your mother’s “demands” are her way of asking her to do those things. Is it possible your niece can write up a contract as to what she can do and cannot do? If she is living rent free, it doesn’t seem reasonable to me that she would just be unavailable to help your mom.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading up on the difficult elderly. All the advice includes that the giver has to know how much she really can offer and what her own needs are, for her own well-being- how it helps to respectfully set limits, have balance. Not always having to do it all when the other wants it. Much like parenting. Maybe not devote her whole free day to all the tasks. I know how hard it is- must be even tough on a younger person. Sounds like she hasn’t been looking for a free lunch, not at all.</p>
<p>My niece totally gets the notion of helping out in lieu of no rent. Whereas I grew up and have dealt with mom for a long time, niece doesn’t have it yet to know how to manage this situation. I get why she’s exhausted and frazzled. The problem is my mom really truly doesn’t get how her “orders” are really rude and that this young girl really isn’t all that equipped to know how to make boundaries for herself. I did warn her and my sis before she moved in that it would turn into this. Now she feels trapped because she can’t afford to move out and she knows mom can’t handle living on her own. I’m trying to coach her - tell her you need a set amount of time after coming home before tackling her list. Tell her you can grocery shop on this day, laundry gets done this time and you’ll make dinner this many days a week. However, I know very well it won’t really stop my mom’s what have you done for me lately mentality.</p>
<p>Eyemamom, you may want to consider getting yur niece the book Boundaries by Cloud/ Townsend ([Boundaries:</a> When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310247456: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454]Boundaries:”>http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454) )
My SIL had a similar problem with his family and after reading this book, we all saw a marked improvement in that situation. I’ve read this book and it is quite practical. </p>
<p>One idea that occurred to me is that there be a pad of paper out (maybe in the kitchen) and every time her grandmother asks/demands that she do something, the niece would write it down. Maybe if grandma see them all written down she may realize just how much and how often she is asking for things to be done. The young lady would have to be very disciplined to go to the room where the pad of paper is and the write down the request. Every time and in front of grandma.
Sometimes a visual is very helpful.</p>
<p>eyemamom, your niece has to set boundaries, or else move. We’ve talked a lot about the demanding elderly, and how they simply lose sight of everyone else’s needs but their own. It’s up to the caregiver to set whatever limits she can live with, and then enforce them consistently. The senior will not like it, but it has to be done, or they will wear the caregiver out. </p>
<p>This is NOT a matter of an ungrateful niece expecting a “free lunch.” Contributing to the household upkeep is one thing, and the niece is quite willing to do that. But being at the 24/7 beck and call of a demanding and often unappreciative demented elderly person is entirely another thing. That will wear down the strongest caregiver if firm boundaries aren’t set.</p>
<p>Eyemamom- I feel for your niece. She’s in a tough spot.</p>
<p>So here’s an odd question. My mom received a refund check from her phone company. It is made out to my dad. He died 17 years ago. She never changed the account into her name- just paid the bills all these years. Will anyone cash such a check? Does she have to get them to reissue the check? She doesn’t have an account here - usually just signs checks over to me to cash for her.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the condolences.</p>
<p>Psychomomma, there is the right answer, and the practical answer. I would think the right answer would be to change the phone account, and to get the refund issued to mom. As a practical matter, since the phone company thinks dad is still paying the bills all these years, a cashed check in his name wouldn’t be likely to raise flags for them, and you could just write for deposit only on the back and try to put it in your account. Your bank might balk, but if it is not a large check they probably wouldn’t.</p>
<p>Years ago, we had some stock in my grandmother’s name, and mom had been cashing the dividends for years after she died. This was before all the computerized improvements in banking, stock registry etc. Anyway, I had begun my career as a lawyer, and felt that this was something that should not continue, so I contacted the registrar for the company to get the certificates transferred etc. He was very nice, and even told me that it was something that came up regularly.</p>
<p>Sitting in rehab center- nj mom- a week ago 84 mother fell breaking pelvis, tail bone- and bit fracture of L5 </p>
<p>The case worker said -
- make Medicare primary
- AARP has good rates- they told me plan f and plan n most used
- she said to get secondary insurance </p>
<p>Mother had Medicare advantage blue cross - being cancelled thankfully we can get aarp without medical underwriting</p>
<p>A week ago we didn’t need this-and now we are living hell- pelvis break - excruciating and she will need 24:7 care …</p>
<p>So my uncle died yesterday. Very special to me. He was my mom’s younger brother. She is doing better than I thought she would. I’m wondering if her dementia and general inability to focus on one thing for very long is helping her cope. She is such a mystery to me. She wrote the most unbelievably beautiful card/letter to my uncle’s girlfriend, who had been with him for the past year as his illness progressed. She seems to be easily distracted with silly tv shows and her boisterous laughter seems so inconsistent with the general mood. I’m not complaining. Actually, I’m relieved that she isn’t distraught. I don’t know how I would handle that.</p>
<p>WOW southJersy, jump into the deep end. I am sorry you are in our waters. Don’t bother second guessing a sooner move. Could have happened anywhere. And try to remember things take time, you can’t do it in one week…</p>
<p>Psychmom, condolences for your uncle. My mom is the youngest and she didn’t like her next in age brother. They didn’t speak for years, when he passed, she forgot it almost immediately, just so she could still be mad at him as far as I could tell.
So long as it is an easier thing for you to deal with right now, TV sounds good to me. I am glad she isn’t distraught either.</p>
<p>Lost our super-senior at 99 this week. I feel really guilty that I can’t help my parents (83 ans 79) go clean out the house.</p>
<p>But just asking for a moment…take a deep breath and thank the god she believed in for 99 years for a good life and just not waking up.
What a way to go.</p>
<p>dragonMom, sorry for your loss. I am guessing an aunt? bad near the holidays for those left behind, but does sound like a good exit.</p>
<p>If you want to have a pleasant evening with a mother with dementia, watch Sound of Music, Live! with her.</p>
<p>Music will do it every time. </p>
<p>Oh, a friend of mine just got his documentary accepted to the 2014 Sundance Festival. Called “Alive Inside,” it’s about using music to reach patients with dementia.</p>
<p>That sounds really interesting! Judging from the amount of time my mom spends humming, music definitely reaches her.</p>
<p>dragonmom, I’m sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>Dragonmom and psychmomma so sorry for your losses. </p>
<p>My parents, who moved 6 months ago to a retirement community near me just lost their 20 year old cat. We all knew it would come, but this lively cat, after seemingly doing well with the move, just failed in the past 2 weeks. Of course, she just died of old age. She was friendly, inquisitive, active but always looking for a lap to jump on, and slept with my parents every night. She was a true companion for them. i am going over this weekend to see how they are doing. They do have another cat, but out of many, the cat that died has been their favorite and certainly the longest living. Any hints on helping parents deal with such a loss?</p>
<p>Dragonmom condolences on your loss.
Psychmomma sorry for the loss of your uncle.</p>
<p>GTalum-the loss of a favorite pet is always hard. I’d follow their lead when visiting and let them remember the cat or be sad. I also might bring something for a bit of distraction- photos of the kids, a plant, a book, etc. so that if they could use a diversion, it was there. </p>
<p>Best to all.</p>
<p>After my parents’ dog died, O went through my digital pics and found a good one of the dog. Had it blown up on canvas and gave it to them for the holidays. Both of them cried, but it was a healing thing for them.</p>
<p>Organized all the many gift cards and gift certs that my folks have into a plastic accordion folder, taping the cards onto cardstock and putting all in alphabetical order with a cardstock table of contents, listing the name of each place, dollar value, expiration date and any other relevant info. Called each place if the gift card amount wasn’t listed to confirm the dollar value of the card. </p>
<p>Gave it to my folks last week. Today, went to visit the folks and asked where the gift card folder was–it was in the farthest bedroom from the front of the house, where they rarely ever venture. Got the folder put by the TV in the front of the house instead and made dad aware of where it is located so they BOTH know where it is. We went out today and used up one of the gift cards that they have had for several years, worth over $100 (from returning a gift they didn’t want). Got lunch for the 3 of us, 2 gifts for a worthy child that was picked in connection with a golf tournament mom will be playing in, two boxes of chocolates for dad (which we know he likes), chocolates for D & BIL, trendy toy for each of our two kids, and Patone (fruit cake) for H. Was pleased that we used up the entire gift card so we don’t need to hang onto it any more (my folks rarely EVER go there).</p>