<p>Hey everybody-- according to my sisters, my mother has been spending a lot and impulsively. She doesn’t remember what she has bought. What are our legal options here? What have you done to protect your parents in this situation?</p>
<p>CF: once we recognized my mom was losing her faculties, we contacted her bank and investment house and established relationships with the managements. We alerted them to our concerns. We made sure the Power of Attorney papers were ready to go when needed. We had to send various documentations (I forget what) to prove we were who we said we were. We also got ourselves onto bank accounts as co’s. We went to the bank and made sure they recognized us and obtained copies of the keys to the safe deposit box with mom’s blessing (she came). Wayyyy down the road we got a doctor’s note to activate power of attorney. At that point I carried POA and medical proxy papers at all times (and used them a few times). Scenario: at hospital admissions looks up and pointedly asks (with attitude) do you have POA? I whip out the papers. Nyah. Fun stuff.</p>
<p>TLDR: get to know her financial peeps and become a co on everything you can. Take over bill paying if she’ll let you.</p>
<p>CF. document document document… Get POA, although warning, many banks want their own POA . time passes quickly and if you start before disaster is snowballed, it will be much easier in the long run to have a few battles with your mom now.</p>
<p>We barely caught Mom in time before she gave away the ranch to the handyman… And the grief involved has been significant. Wished we had started sooner many times.</p>
<p>Emergency guardianships van be out in place and can be temporary, too your Mom can agree to it, if she will, just for you to straighten out some stuff and get control before things end badly. You can assure Mom it is temporary, which in our state the papers say. We told Mom we would cancel it as soon as she was better, knowing there is only one direction for her. But it made her happier, she didn’t fight the guardianship and that is a lot stronger access to banks then the POA.</p>
<p>The bank managers at some banks will help a lot, when the clerks just say no…</p>
<p>ddah- I agree about photos, after my Dad died, I could talk about him, think about him, etc., but it took me a long long time before I wanted to look at photos!</p>
<p>I just wanted to send out hugs to everyone on this thread as we approach Christmas (and other winter holidays). It seems like quite a few of us will be going through this for the first time without a parent who we lost this year, and heaven knows the holidays can also be challenging if you have a living elderly parent. </p>
<p>Everyone take care of yourselves! Regardless of your situation, don’t forget to pamper yourself a little. I’ll be thinking about you.</p>
<p>^Ditto to LasMa’s post above!</p>
<p>Yes! Sending best wishes to all! Holidays are a time of reflection and can indeed bring challenges. Be kind to yourself! Try to remember happy times to help ease the tough ones.</p>
<p>Couldn’t agree more with LasMa also. It is a poignant time and for some, a very complicated time. New traditions are emerging here, as we realize it is not in the best interest of our elder to transport him here for our family Christmas. We have figured out alternatives that let us celebrate together, yet each have what we need separately. He bypasses the cold, the effort to get in and out of a vehicle and the need to shift gears to another environment, while we have total peace of mind that he is safe, will have assistance if needed and the chance to relax with other family members. Very grateful to his care facility who help relatives sort things out free of guilt.
Happy holidays and do what works!</p>
<p>Hello,</p>
<p>We brought our elderly dementia mom to our Christmas gathering yesterday, where she fell and broke her hip and leg. She won’t ever be going back to her house to live, and I will be traveling back to her area this weekend to be of help.</p>
<p>In addition to caring for her in the hospital post-surgery, I also want to start working on her house. Because she is a hoarder, it will be overwhelming. I am looking for sane outsiders who can help me prioritize what I can get done on my own in about 10 hours total work time this weekend.</p>
<p>Install Alarm System (actually, get it installed…I am not a DIY gal)
Clean out Fridge/Freezer
Remove known valuables
Collect Family Photographs</p>
<p>Any other ideas for most important things to do?</p>
<p>Her neighborhood is now run down, so we fear that once it is known that she is gone, her house will be broken into. We do not have to sell the house immediately to get her into other living arrangements, and with the hoarding, we know it will take time to go through and throw away.</p>
<p>Someone mentioned her house insurance might not be valid if the house is vacant for more than a certain time period ??</p>
<p>My brother has Power of Attorney, and he has the paperwork in hand that he needs. We have secured a nursing home with rehab, and are talking with our top choice for Assisted Living.</p>
<p>I want to make the most of my visit, and yet I am not thinking clearly. The events of the last 24 hours (driving out of state for gathering and back home in same day, crisis of fall, ambulance, ER, lack of sleep, etc.) are taking their toll on my brain cells.</p>
<p>Thanks for any suggestions.</p>
<p>Gosh I went over something similar but not so drastic with my father and I can say that you have touch on basic points: perishables, immediate security for house, take out any valuables you can carry and any important documentation you can find( difficult task for someone that collects everything in sight like my father), and then family pictures. I try to stick to this list. One can easily get side tracked or overwhelmed by the amount of things one will find. Some are useful and many are useless. Do not try to sort anything if you only have a limited amount of time. In other visits I tried to clear some of the visible junk. I threw away bags and bags of garbage ( not real garbage but just any junk I could find). Once I could see things more clearly I tackle the drawers and closets. That is a long task, specially if you will need to sort and keep clothes as I did. Once that was done, I donate any furniture available and send the rest to the junk yard ( some pieces I saved). It took me a week an a half of work and at the end I had the help of some friends for the removal of the furniture. My recommendation is that you write a plan, including possible donation and disposal sites in your area. Some places come to your home to collect the items but they have to be in good condition. I hope this helped you somehow 
hang in there, it will get better <3</p>
<p>Thank you LasMa!!!</p>
<p>Powercropper, I think you have a good list. I assume your brother, as POA, already has mail and bills sent to him? It’s been 3 months since my mom moved to a dementia section of assisted living, and we’re still sorting her belongings. Be sure to put aside things that your mom will want around her once she is in an assisted living facility. Some familiar things can help them feel more at home. One thing I did that was helpful was leave a new greeting message on her phone machine asking people to leave their name & number if they want to contact her. Her friends and close associates knew something was wrong when they heard my voice on the machine, but all the telemarketers just hang up. It made informing everyone much easier. Now I’m dealing with all the Christmas cards from people who contact her once a year. I’m going to compose a brief message to send to each of them explaining her situation. </p>
<p>We also kept on the gardener, and I think we should have kept the cleaning woman coming once per month. It’s astonishing how fast spiders can work, and the dust seems to come from nowhere. </p>
<p>Good luck to all, and to all a good night…</p>
<p>powercropper, oh my goodness! My parents’ move-out was planned and orderly, and we didn’t have the hoarding issue – and still, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I can’t make better logistical suggestions than you already have. Just a couple of more general big-picture suggestions.</p>
<p>It sounds like your brother is engaged and taking responsibility (not shirking or in denial as so many sibs are). Count this as a huge blessing. Make it a priority to keep the lines of communication wide open; this prevents misunderstandings and makes things easier when the next crisis comes along. Work hard on that relationship with him; it will pay dividends.</p>
<p>If you can pay someone to do something, do – even if you <em>could</em> do it yourself. Your physical, mental and emotional energy just became a scarce resource, so anything you can offload will help preserve your sanity. In this case, I’m thinking of the cleanout. Once you have the valuables out, consider paying someone to come in and clean out the rest. Or at least hire a consultant to help you with strategies and organization. Taking this task on yourself will consume you for weeks or months. Your limited time and energy are now needed for your mom’s medical care, living situation, legal/financial issues, etc. – not sorting through decades’ worth of her stuff.</p>
<p>Once the dust settles a little, step back. Talk with your brother about what you can and cannot do on an ongoing basis. Parenting your parent can be overwhelming it you let it be, so it’s essential to draw lines and stick to them.</p>
<p>Stay in touch here. I’ve been doing this for almost 4 years, and this forum is by far the best resource I’ve ever found. The wisdom and support here are invaluable.</p>
<p>I second getting help! There was NO WAY I actually could have cleaned out the house.
We found a pair of ladies (one a lawyer) who specialized in emptying houses for people that either died without heirs or people that the state became their guardians. So they went in and sorted and have an estate sale.
My DH and I sorted and tossed 6000 lbs of papers and garbage, yes by literal measure since the dump fees record pounds.
Also, if you want it done, IMHO, you have to let go of some of the outcome of some of the “value” of “stuff”… Mom had Grandma’s rug appraised in 1985 for $10,000 … I dragged them to SF to a big auction house and cleared $715. Ouch. Yes I sort of regret it, but sort of don’t. My H is very anti-Mom so there wasn’t a lot of choice. Many things went that way. If you have time to devote, maybe you can get more money, but realistically, I wasn’t going to even be making minimum wage trying to save Mom a couple of hundred dollars; my marriage (and sanity) were worth more in the long run.
We did the best we could, all of us.
My brother was in the same boat and really helpful’; we were not always on the same page, but we always supported each other (still do, but I am thinking of this past year). </p>
<p>The other thing was to go through the legal hoops to protect her. Another expense which is time intensive. Fortunately, Mom didn’t fight it and is putting on a very brave face about being in AL by herself for Christmas. I’ll be there right after and that is the best I can do right now. I am grateful she isn’t mean about it.</p>
<p>So sorry your mom fell and made an attempt for happiness turn sad. It was still a good thought to include her. You were doing the best you could! And don’t second guess THAT or any other decision. Decide and move on. If it was a wrong thing, OH WELL, there will be more chances to make more mistakes later! Maybe next decision will be better (or not).</p>
<p>This one is just to cheer you guys up. I took my father to the urologist today (a new doctor) and the the guy turned out to be gorgeous. Not just handsome but GQ I cannot believe they exist gorgeous. I was so upset about having to go to the doctor on Christmas Eve and suddenly I found myself smiling and happy. Father is ok too. Merry Christmas.</p>
<p>Nice, ddahwan! Sometimes I find myself staring slack-jawed (but casually) at a young guy and it’s really cheering, isn’t it? Even if I am old enough to be his mother, and then some!</p>
<p>Glad your father is ok too!</p>
<p>Hi Powecropper,</p>
<p>Sorry you’re going through this. Lots of great advice so far … I have a couple things additional things to advise. </p>
<p>First, if your Mom was into hiding things I’d be sure to protect valuable things before throwing stuff out. While my Mom was still home we found all the valuables we wanted to safekeep and it was harder than expected to do … my Mom had hidden a lot of things to keep them away from the “thieves” (she couldn’t remember where they were so someone must have stolen them)… we found valuables, money, credit cards in all sorts of places … inside pots and pans, in socks, books and magazines, in plastic bags, etc.</p>
<p>Second, if you and your sibling are not physically close to the house maybe you can hire a rental agent to watch over the property which might help it to look lived in.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>powercropper, when my parents moved, we engaged a [Senior</a> Move Manager](<a href=“https://www.nasmm.org/index.cfm]Senior”>https://www.nasmm.org/index.cfm), and it was some of the best money we ever spent. These folks specialize in exactly what you’re facing now – moving your senior out of her house. </p>
<p>They will do as little or as much as you want, from simply developing a game plan to doing virtually everything for you. They can assist in the search for Assisted Living. They can put you in touch with elder lawyers, realtors, movers, clean-out people, estate sale companies, rental agents (good idea, 3togo!), and other professionals. They can give you all kinds of tips and tricks to make things easier. They make an overwhelming situation manageable.</p>
<p>I simply don’t know how we would have managed our parents’ move without our Senior Move Manager. I highly recommend that you at least arrange for a consultation.</p>
<p>I’d not be too quick to throw stuff out til you can sort, esp ig mom hoards.</p>
<p>Get all the financial docs, will, etc. together.</p>
<p>Oh yeah, sort through the stuff carefully. We knew that had to happen since BOTH Grandma and Mom were off. I found a $2000 diamond ring in a glasses case in a sack of 15 other empty glasses cases. Every book had to be opened and flipped through. We found lots of OLD stock certificates, none were any good (we spent time researching). H found about $3000 all told in case, not counting coin collection.
The ladies found a bit more stuff, but not a lot, which meant that we had done enough.</p>