<p>Powercropper, on the insurance issue, homeowners policies typically have an exclusion in the property damage section excluding damage that occurs when the property has been vacant or unoccupied for a certain period. The time period could be as little as 60 days or as much as 180 days. Vacant and unoccupied are different insurance concepts and will differ in their application from state to state. Vacant generally means no usable furnishings there, whereas unoccupied simply means no one living there. There is insurance coverage available for these situations but it is expensive and not every insurer writes it. Allow yourself plenty of time to get replacement coverage. If you don’t and the pipes freeze and burst or someone breaks in and rips out all of the copper pipes there won’t be coverage.</p>
<p>I was terrified the whole year it took to get Mom’s house emptied since it was full of stuff and unoccupied. She did have a security system, but I sweated bullets over it. I wanted to get it empty sooner, but it took almost the entire year when all was said and done. I couldn’t go live there and get it done sooner and things take twice as long from a distance.</p>
<p>It was the other house that burned down, though. (a rental, no one hurt if I didn’t say that before).</p>
<p>I hope you don’t mind me jumping in. I am at my wits end. MIL has alzheimers and is progressing quickly she also has cancer which complicates the matter. Recently she seemed edgy and I suggested SIL she talk to MD about an antidepressant. They put her on Ativan and I see a distinct difference in her confusion, delusions, and memory issues. It has gone downhill fast. SIL who is her primary caregiver has no patience and I know this contributes to her behavior, as she picks on my SIL need to control her. SIL is nasty when upset and this weekend, informed that she was going away, and we needed to take over. I mean “we” because we are the only ones who step up. We take her one weekend a month and most Saturdays. We live the farthest away about 90 minutes away. Anyway I am infuriated my SIL did not consult us and just dumped her mother on us. it was my birthday and my Daughters birthday. I am a nurse and have a very stressful job and have had cancer 3 times and a recent concussive accident I am still recovering from. I am often the one she vents to. My BIL takes his mom on thurs and sun and they have a number of services in home they are increasing. SIL resents the care giver role and lets you know it. I try to not cross her as I don’t want it to affect my MIL, but I am also somewhat fragile and trying to make a point of not having these toxic people in my life. I feel its important for my health. Anyway her visit this weekend was upsetting and sad. Although I am a outlaw I have known her for 30 years and in many ways she fee safe with me. I don’t know how to help her without hurting myself.
Anyway thanks for the vent. As I am a pedi nurse I don’t know how Ativan effects the elderly and ones with alzheimers. I recently had a patient who was hallucinating on it and am worried.</p>
<p>downtoearth, so sorry for your troubles. I think you’ll find many sandwich parents here in just-this-side-of-impossible situations.</p>
<p>Although the timing was terrible for you, it sounds like your SIL was at the end of her rope. I took over care of my dad (now 90) and stepmother (now 92) when my brother, who had doted on them for 5 years or so, one day just had enough and said, ok, it’s your turn. And it’s been my turn for 4 years now. About a year ago I started going to a wonderful therapist and I no longer feel like I am about to be electrocuted every time I walk in their door (at least 2x/week, lol!).</p>
<p>Maybe when you feel a little calmer, you can sit down with your SIL and figure out a way to share the burden with her a little more. My guess is that just acknowledging to her that it is a burden to her may help a lot. So even if you can’t help more right now, you can tell her you are sorry that you can’t. I have a bunch of good friends who are always there to listen and that’s what helps me the most. That and my sometimes-cranky, sometimes pain-in-the-butt wonderful high school senior daughter. I know it will be much harder when she goes away next year and I don’t have her to come home to, but so it goes.</p>
<p>As for the effects of meds on older people, can you talk to a gerontologist? Or a hospital pharmacist? Or maybe google is your friend? My dad has had some orthopedic issues and any meds with sedative qualities just hit him like a brick.</p>
<p>Welcome, good luck, and happy new year!</p>
<p>First Attempt to Work in My Mom’s House didn’t turn out Well</p>
<p>Well, I’m back from my trip. Everything seemed to be twice as stressful as I imagined it would be. Mom’s dementia kicked into high gear as she battled pain and new situations, new people, constant flow of strangers in/out of her hospital room. And it got worse after we transferred her to Rehab. Again, strangers coming in demanding answers to questions (to test her confusion level) and trying to get her to work on making physical progress.</p>
<p>Her hoarding presented opportunities for meltdowns…I threw away a piece of candy on the floor of the hospital and she had a complete hysterical meltdown. Her tirade went from “I don’t have enough money to be able to eat…to this hospital stay is going to bankrupt me”. And she won’t let go of a napkin. I mean, using one napkin to blow her nose 20 times, and same napkin to wipe her mouth, dry off the tray, etc. And I show her there are 3 more napkins to take the crumpled napkin’s place.</p>
<p>I was overwhelmed driving into the neighborhood my mom has lived in since 1955. We moved into her current house in 1968. The whole neighborhood has divebombed into rental properties, multiple cars parked in each yard, rundown, repairs urgently needed, and just a general feeling of danger. I was in tears, sobbing, as my sis in law pulled up. She was along for moral support, and I sure needed it. We did a search for the couple valuables we thought were in the house, but only found one of them. We were nervous about heading into the attic, so we abandoned our search and only got toiletries and some clothes.</p>
<p>I chickened out of going back to the house another day, I just had gotten weary being with Mom 10-12 hours/day. It will have to wait for another trip.</p>
<p>I appreciate all your advice and suggestions, and I will be rereading and taking notes to be sure we stay on track. I like the idea of hiring some workers to do the actual lifting and throwing away. I do think we will have to open every book, box, etc. because I can see my Mom “hiding” valuables so the thieves wouldn’t get them. She was notorious for bringing valuables WITH HER on the vacations we spent together years ago. She was sure that carrying a huge amount of cash in her purse was much safer than leaving it at home hidden away. (And heaven forbid, she could have taken it back to the bank and deposited it !!)</p>
<p>I am glad to have found this safe place to discuss parenting our parent. This is not the club I would have volunteered to join, and I’m sure you all feel the same way. But it is nice to know there are others who are walking a little further along the path I am just starting down. Thank you for your kindness in sharing a bit of your journey with me.</p>
<p>***Must add, I remembered as we were leaving that it was trash day, so I headed to get the cans to the curb. THEY WERE EMPTY…not a single piece of trash. Nothing. My mom apparently is such a hoarder that she is now unable to throw anything away!</p>
<p>I would understand it , if I felt my SIL wasn’t just a mean selfish person. She just spews anger. Early in my life she said “my mother likes you she doesn’t love you” she just says and does hurtful things. She is a very jealous person.She doesn’t listen. many of her frustrations have to do with her inability to listen or educate herself. I said to H I am the only one who looks up anything or reads books. what is wrong with this picture? My SIL makes everything harder than it is. The other day MIL was going through her own pocketbook and SIL snapped at her to stop. We just let her do it, then gently distract her. I know this is hard for her , to see your mother not there, but I want her to get some help or meds herself. I seriously cannot deal with her. We do sit down and make a schedule, I can thelp it that we are the only ones she totally trusts. We don’t live there. I am hoping increased help with calm her down. If not she is getting some dose of reality as I am not her punching bag.</p>
<p>BTW my mom is with it, and pretty healthy. needs knee replacement and a hoarder. Trying to get her to clean out her stuff is awful. fun fun</p>
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<p>powercropper, this was precisely how it was for my dad. Any stress made his memory much worse, and his big three stressors were physical pain, change especially a move to another facility, and strangers. Before I started this journey, I had assumed that memory was a consistent thing, and it would be pretty much the same from day to day. Not so.</p>
<p>Wow, you have been thrown in the deep end! It does sound like you or someone is going to have to go through every single item, since your mom liked to squirrel things away. Is there family who can help you? BTW I’m glad you “chickened out” on the second day; you know what your limits are, and that’s the only way you’re going to get through this. </p>
<p>I guess none of us would volunteer to be in this club 
but it sure is full of great people.</p>
<p>powercropper, ditto for my stepmother. Moving from one facility to the next was the worst. She and my dad used to drive to Florida for a few months every winter, and the last few times they did it, it took her weeks to recover some of her marbles after she was home again.</p>
<p>Good luck. You can only do what you can do, right? Here we know that you are a good daughter!</p>
<p>Powercropper, so sorry about your sad journey.</p>
<p>downtoearth, I had a lot of resentment about my dad (Dr. Freud never sleeps!) as well as my brother who had a liver transplant a few years ago and now has liver cancer in his lungs. He drives me crazy sometimes and I get so angry at him. He comes to NY periodically for treatment. That’s where therapy really, really helped, so I could break it down to the person actually sitting here in 2013 (soon to be 2014!) and not be so angry at the ghosts of the past. Well, most of the time it works!</p>
<p>I’m concerned about these vacated houses full of hoarded stuff in declining neighborhoods. It might be appropriate to quickly call in a locksmith for better locks on doors, new locks on windows, whatever he recommends. Hiring a realtor to send in an agent to change around lights, or get an electric timer that does the same thing, is a high priority. Notify police also.</p>
<p>If there is one known, trustworthy neighbor from earlier years, pay them weekly to look in. If they are nice enough to decline the pay, that’s the one you want so pay them despite their protests some way, by sending regular giftcards to a grocery store or Starbucks. Be sure to ask them to keep this job confidential from their own children (of every age) because children have friends who might take advantage of the knowledge that the house is now vacant.</p>
<p>If it were me, I feel as though I’d want to move very quickly to sell the house. Nobody likes to take a loss, but it might be a big loss. If you phone 3 realtors and describe the house by phone, you might get a ballpark estimate of the market value. Have a good cry and then accept their analysis, as they know the market. Tell them that the one who helps you most with the clear-out process will get the listing. Sometimes they know crews of people: estate sale professionals, trash removal folks, housekeeping crews. Try to make it a package and don’t drag it out. If you’re not sure where the money to do these things will come from (cash flow), can you ask sibs to all agree (legally on paper) to take from Mom’s money for these purposes as needed, and divide that equally among all of you as a loss in your inheritance after she dies…</p>
<p>Powercropper, if you knew the house would move forward to market quickly like that, by a more professional process, then you might feel more focussed and inclined to schedule in one more trip to do the task (that only you can do) of going through the entire hoarded mess like a detective ONLY to pick out any hidden objects of value. That way you do not have to move a single thing, or wonder how you’ll deal with this rug or that dresser. Leave piles of paper and clothes right where they are. If furniture has antique value, the estate sale people will price it that way, but if it’s just at yard sale value by now, it’ll sell at an estate sale cheaply OR the professional house-clear-junk-everythingl people will have trucks. I think you almost have to feel like a stranger and go through the house for small valuables without worrying about the whole situation. </p>
<p>On Alzheimers, which I know from two parents, I will pass on advice from the professionals at a Memory Care Assisted Living unit where my Mom resided for a while. They told us sibs we were much too honest with her, which reflected how we relate to each other all our aware lives. They manage a lot of issues by telling what they call “white lies” (I apologize here on their behalf for that term). They just generalized their answers so much that they avoided upsetting patients. They also taught us how to change the topic of conversation. They use the fact that the short-term memory isn’t working well. So if something is making her anxious, just drop the subject and talk about what’s on TV or talk about the blue sky out the window and all things blue…</p>
<p>So, for example, while we might have once said to her, “We’re having a crew come today to your house to set up the estate sale and you’ll get the money…” we said something more like, “We’re safeguarding everything from your house.” It all depends on what your definition of “safeguarding” is. This was a big adjustment for my sibs and me, because we don’t like to lie to our Mom.</p>
<p>ETA: Rather than focus on any individual cost of the house dilemma, try to stay in the present moment and see the house as one big monster you have to get rid of as soon as possible, in order to cut the loss to the family. Even if it sells for less, sooner is better, because it ends those real estate taxes and lets you invest the house sale money to recover some of that loss. Think big picture and how to move forward, not how she got you here.</p>
<p>downtoearth - I understand your frustration. From time to time my sis has had meltdowns and just tells us all she won’t do it anymore. It sounds like you all need to consider a facility of some kind where it’s out of the hands of family.</p>
<p>powercropper - so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like the other suggestions about hiring outside help is right on. We’ve been taking turns cleaning out my moms place, she’s not a hoarder and it was a huge undertaking.</p>
<p>We’re in limbo land with my own mom right now. She really doesn’t take care of herself that well anymore and hardly even gets out of her pajamas or leave the house. She just keeps saying, hey, I’m almost 80, I’m old and tired. I don’t know how she’d get by if my niece didn’t live there and my niece isn’t planning on staying there forever. She refuses to take anti-depressants though she desperately needs them. She’s one more medical crisis away from putting us in an awful position. She tends to get stents every 6 months, she’s about at that 6 month mark now and doc said next time it would be open heart surgery. She also won’t consider any kind of assisted living/independent living type facility that has transportation and dining rooms and won’t pay anyone to help her.</p>
<p>paying3tuitions, what a valuable post, and how right you are. powercropper, until the house is sold, it is indeed a monster. In fact, think of it as a vampire which will suck time, energy, money, and emotional life from everyone in the family. Agree with paying3 that your best bet is to get rid of it ASAP. Your mom needs your time and attention focused on her, not her stuff. You really cannot do both.</p>
<p>Hi all, I posted just once before on this thread, back on November 24. I asked about getting hospice for my moderately demented mom with advanced cancer. I thought I’d share the end of the story. Even though I lurked more that anything, your stories gave me wonderful advice and a sense of community.</p>
<p>The nursing facility where mom lived took a small group on an outing to Olive Garden the Monday before Thanksgiving, and mom by all reports ate well and had a great time. They were very good about taking all able residents out at least once a month.</p>
<p>On Thursday, Thanksgiving, Mom came to our house for the family gathering. My sister and I and all her grandkids were here. We noticed that she was in more pain and had difficulty talking, and thought maybe she’d had a small stroke.</p>
<p>On Friday, she became much more ill. My sister stayed with me after Thanksgiving, and we were able to spend many, many hours by her bedside. She recognized us, would say “I love you”, and hug us hard. Her pain was well managed.</p>
<p>We called in hospice December 8. They did a fabulous job of comforting mom, and us. They seemed to operate differently than hospice did with my dad, and I wish we had called them back in early November. </p>
<p>My mom died December 10, with my sister and I holding her hand. It was very peaceful and sweet. Hospice was invaluable with handing the details of her death, and stayed with her while the funeral home came to collect her (she was being transported back to her hometown 4 hours away, so it was a wait).</p>
<p>We feel blessed that Mom’s dementia protected her a bit from the scariness of the cancer, but that the cancer did not let her live long enough to fall into the depths of dementia. I think she enjoyed Thanksgiving and seeing us all together, then called it quits. She loved holding pictures of my dad, and talked about being with him again. I hope I can go as sweetly.</p>
<p>Best of luck to all of you in your journeys with your parents, and I will be thinking of you.</p>
<p>Mamaduck we are in the same situation and thank you for sharing your story. MIL has cancer and so far has not shown too many symptoms, but I think it will go as your mom. We think its a good thing as she does not have the stress of the cancer diagnosis, and it may take her before the last stages develop. lately it seems that the cancer is not keeping up. Its sad, so sad, because we are waiting for a relief, that isn’t what we want. I wonder if we may just get a call, that she didn’t wake up.
Old Mom your words made me understand that I have a long history with SIL that will need to be addressed when this is over. I simply cannot put up with her bullying behavior. But that is a problem for another day.
Eyemom, that is what I have heard are called fiblets, as her disease advances we have to be better at distraction. Seems that right when we get it down she changes. The other night we were out to dinner, and she was very focused on her old house and that she didn’t sell it. wanted to see the paperwork, we now realize she probably should go out to lunch as she has started sundowning. thank you so much.</p>
<p>mamaduck, I’m so sorry about your mom’s passing. </p>
<p>It is so precious to be holding your loved one’s hand as they leave this world, and such a privilege. Your mom really did hit that “sweet spot” of dementia where she didn’t know the implications of the disease, but did know her family. I’m so glad it happened that way for you.</p>
<p>I apologize for not stopping in over this year. I am still in the midst of elder care, but I lost two of my five charges, and my mom and the other woman for whom I am responsible have deteriorated. On one hand, hearing other’s stories is helpful, but in my free (chuckle, chuckle) time I just needed to think about other things. Anything. </p>
<p>To you mamaduck, my deepest condolences. I know you will miss your mom greatly, but you will also feel relieved that she did not experience the truly horror of dementia. Who among us would want to be seen in that state. I will say, having lost my dad at this time last year, that it wasn’t until Thanksgiving that it really hit me. I think I was so exhausted with the years leading up to his death that I was too tired to even miss the old son of a gun. </p>
<p>Empty houses - good distinction between vacant/unoccupied homes. We consider one home for which we are now responsible unoccupied. I stop in two -three times a week, have all shoveling/lawn work arranged, have the lights on different timers, and installed a security system. We opted for Frontpoint because we could order online and keep the status confidential. We thought the system was easy to set up. The system is transferrable, so we opted for the three year plan, saving a lot on the initial cost. </p>
<p>Ativan did not work well for one of the elderly folks I care for - actually it really impacted her balance. I am now the one taking the occasional dose of Ativan - maybe that would help your SIL!!!</p>
<p>I think that since this is your MIL, and since YOU have had cancer, it is very, very important that you try to set reasonable boundaries. You really can’t tolerate stress or else you may have a relapse. One of the things my cousin and I joked about over the past few years is that we were sure we were going to die before my dad or her mom (his sibling). And most of the time I am not sure we were joking. I am a giver by nature, but over these last years I have felt totally drained - like everyone is hooking up a hose and just sucking the life out of me. Since my dad passed away my BP is much better (still on meds, but under control, I don’t take the Ativan nearly as often, and I just feel better). This is really hard and there is no end in sight. At least when we had infants we had a joy, an optimism about our little ones. They would grow out of their cantankerous ways - but the only way these situations will improve is when our folks die - and no one wants to wish for that. </p>
<p>Hmmmm - now you know why I have avoided this thread!!!</p>
<p>So sorry about your mother, mamaduck.</p>
<p>My father may be taking a turn for the worse. He is in the hospital for the congestive heart failure and lasix has him much improved, but they discovered something in his lungs via the CAT scan so are doing a biopsy. We’ll see if it’s anything or just the usual (touch of pneumonia.)</p>
<p>paying3–good advice on the “white lies.” My brothers and I tend to see things realistically and aren’t good comforters, whereas my father latches on to things the nurses say (because they are good at this), telling him there are always “new drugs.” He is so tired of being weak and tired and wants to be back in the shape he was in only 6 months ago. His conditions are progressive and we’re not looking for miracles but he is, I think. </p>
<p>We want him to always have hope but on the other hand not to call his doctors all the time looking for new drugs. He is receiving really good care and well, 91 is pretty good any way you look at it.</p>
<p>So sorry about your mother, mamaduck. I’m glad her death was peaceful.</p>
<p>My mom is getting a little worse in her dementia, sigh. I just called her to wish her Happy New Year. I mentioned that I’d gotten reservations to Mohonk for our family reunion; Mom and my sisters and I loved it when we visited last spring. Anyway, not five minutes later Mom said, “We’re having a family reunion at Mohonk! You’ll love it!” Yeah, Mom, I loved it when we were there, that’s why I just got reservations for everyone to go back, I thought. But it’ll be a good reunion anyway, and Mom should be alert enough to still enjoy it.</p>
<p>Mom wants to go on a cruise in February. We are convinced that she wouldn’t be safe on her own. None of Mom’s children want to go on the cruise with her, but my dear SIL has volunteered. Mom says, I’d rather go with FangSis. Yeah, Mom, but FangSis can’t go and SIL can.</p>