<p>yes it is a huge concern for me to set boundries it terrifies me, and I have made a huge point of putting positive people in my life. and avoiding toxic ones. My H is the Teflon man, I am not. I absorb the feelings. Since I work in a major pediatric hospital in a ICU , I need to make a balance. However, what does one do when the people around you need guidance? I don’t tell them but my H and I try to model, and ask questions in a way that people get it. No arguing with mom wont work, Yes she gets upset when you order her around. I read this. etc… we are the peacemakers in the family but its exhausting.
yes I am sad you lost your mom too, sorry I did not express this.
This visit made me realize how I am hurting. too. I am hopeful she can have a peaceful end in her sweet spot too. I cannot express how your words have gotten me thorugh the last day, just reached a bad place, and m usually the one who does the helping. glad I reached out.</p>
<p>I (and all of us I am sure) am glad you reached out too. It’s always a comfort to “talk” to people who get it, who have been there/done that.</p>
<p>Hope you have a Happy New Year!</p>
<p>Thank you to all for your wise words. I will take to heart and push the siblings to make this house thing happen fast. My H and I agree it will be an “as is” sale, so we already know this isn’t a “money maker” but a “get rid of it” sale. The house is owned free and clear, so it is a matter of emptying the house so it can be sold quickly.</p>
<p>My tears since returning home have been for the “two deaths” of my mom. The first “mental death” I am just realizing is going to happen sooner than I had imagined. And the time frame between that death and her physical death will be full of emotions.</p>
<p>Thank you to all for sharing your stories, good and bad, to help me get a handle on what we are dealing with. </p>
<p>I do have 3 siblings, the one brother is the main caregiver, another sister is good for occasional visits, and the last sister is several states away and chooses to ignore our family for the most part. I am four hours away, but am committed to participating and giving my brother hope and support that he is not alone in this journey.</p>
<p>mamduck: Sorry for your loss. My MIL died of cancer several years ago and we were thankful her decline and passing were relatively quick.</p>
<p>I wish everyone here a happy new year. Take care of yourselves as much as possible so you will have the strength, both mental and physical, to deal with the challenges we know we’ll all be facing.</p>
<p>Mamaduck, may the memories of your mom be a blessing for all who knew and loved her. Love and strength to all who are dealing with difficult decisions and challenging/changing family relationships.</p>
<p>I am thankful my mom was able to communicate with us and know how we felt about her until the very end. We looked at S1’s wedding pics the day before she passed away and that has been a comforting memory for me and S1.</p>
<p>eyeamom-My friend’s Mom has been losing brain power, not good with medicine, a bit of hoarding (catalog orders) etc. No interest in assisted living. She recently had elective surgery and the hospital people realized she did not have the short term memory to take proper care of herself, she could not be trusted to follow the instructions. She was released to an assisted living facility temporarily and it has become permanent, she loves it! Perhaps you can get the medical personnel to cooperate with you on that?</p>
<p>I lost a long heartfelt post and am too mad to re create it.</p>
<p>mamaduck, I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you were there, it is my greatest fear that my Mom will die alone since no one is there in town with her. Plus she has cried wolf and gotten into the hospital too many times for me to rush to her bedside. I hope it never happens that I make a mistake.</p>
<p>powercropper, in Mom’s small town, there were not/ are not senior managers etc. But we found two people who would clean out the house (we hauled all the trash and hunted for $$ and valuables) One was the assistance league and the other we found (and used) was by looking for the lawyers that supervise court ordered guardianships. Since some people don’t have relatives to help them, sometimes the court will come in and put them in assisted living and then manage their assets. The old people often leave with food on the table practically . Someone has to go in and find valuables etc, sell them, and account for it all. They were the people we used. They got 35% of the sale value, but it was worth every cent. At first, my brother thought it was too expensive and we should DIY … after six months and several long distance trips with not much visable progress, he agreed. It still took them 3 months to sort and catalog everything. My advice is don’t even think of doing it by yourselves. Find someone that LIKES doing it and isn’t emotional. </p>
<p>I had answered a few other posts, but now that that was lost, I’ll just send out a general shout out to this community. It is helpful to vent, to be heard, and to exchange ideas! </p>
<p>Take care of your own oxygen mask first you know…</p>
<p>
Yes it is. They do this week in and week out. They know the actual resale market so are better at pricing all kinds of objects - some higher, some lower than you or I would think or have time to research. They’re more experienced watching out for shoplifters during the sale. Most bring in their own glass cases to display jewelry well.</p>
<p>In bargaining with buyers, they likely will hold your price better. Some put up signs on several key intersections in your neighborhood, which is very time-consuming on the morning of any sale. Some use websites, photograph your best objects, and attract their own regular customers who hawk all their sales. </p>
<p>They do earn their percentage, IMHO.</p>
<p>they probably will be more motivated too as they get a percentage. We are having a blizzard, am safely in my home drinking Bailey’s on the rocks, I never drink, but man it feels good. !</p>
<p>Still waiting for results of my father’s lung biopsy. They did it on Tuesday, Wednesday was a holiday, so we thought surely THURSDAY…</p>
<p>esobay–my 2 brothers emptied my father’s house when it was time to sell it. They work well together and are not sentimental, but still…it was an enormous time drain for them. Many, many trips to the dump, the Salvation Army, and the place where they were storing the furniture we are keeping for now. Using a 3rd party is a great idea, no matter what they charge.</p>
<p>By the way, due to the tenant/buyers loan and health issues, and the fact the realtor broke HER leg, needed surgery, and couldn’t follow up, the house has still not closed. What a nuisance.</p>
<p>Does anyone have a link or brief summary of what kinds of Powers of Attorney there are? I know it’s been discussed on here but when I was reading the thread back then it did not apply to us so I did not save that info.</p>
<p>My MIL is not in good shape. She is still with it mentally for the most part we think, but has some physical issues and we are afraid she may not be paying her bills because she is too tories or using her strength for other things. As I have posted before, she will not let anyone help her with anything, but my H thinks she signed some type of POA at one point.</p>
<p>I would just like to be able to see her checking account and pay her bills for her for a while. She has the money, that is not the issue, because we have seen her investment and IRA statements and know what her pension and SS is. </p>
<p>Still not sure whether she would sign the bank’s POA form anyway, but I’d like to know what things we should be thinking about. In hindsight, H should have done this right after his dad died, so it would not be so stressful now that she is sick.</p>
<p>(and if anyone has a magic pill that gets your senior to tell the doctor the truth about all her symptoms and drug compliance, I would appreciate it 
)</p>
<p>surfcity … tip of the scary iceburg. Hope you do get things set up soon. The “normal” POA lists exactly what items are covered. Ours listed “all financial transactions, including buying and selling of stocks …” So the stock broker took it right away. The bank didn’t feel good enough about it so made us do another, then I had to do another of theirs for the mortgage. Jeez! There are also health care POA’s that allow you to talk to Dr.s and hear test results.
You can, however, just call the Dr. and “tell on her”. They can’t respond, but they can put it in their file. I am contemplating doing that for an old friend of mine. She has gotten stranger lately and her only relative is in Minnesota and not that close mentally anyway. My friend decided her furnace was broken so has not turned it on for the last month. Her house is COLD. The reasons she isn’t turning on the furnace make no sense, so I am thinking I will let her Dr. know. What happens after that IDK… Anyway sorry for the diversion.</p>
<p>My advice is get your DH to get to the banks and perhaps get on the accounts (easiest) and see what POA they require. If there is a POA in existence, I’d try to use it also. My experience with Mom was that when she set up the POA’s she was reasonable. Now that we really really need them, I doubt if she would sign them. Although part of the reason I got the guardianship is that people can seemingly talk her into signing anything.</p>
<p>Surfcity- Any way to determine what attorney may have worked with her when potential earlier POA was signed? It is always easier to start with what you have. If the attorney is available for consultation, it could be helpful to learn the specific options involved in her situation. My parents’ attorney had both short and long form of PoAs generated and they were expansive, listing every type of personal and financial decision possible. The short form was just more convenient to xerox and have on file various places. Despite this, some banks and financial institutions, will, as esobay mentioned, require their own forms to be completed. The good news is that once these are in place, you can carry on until there is a change in form required. I found that I was never questioned by institutions once that paperwork was in place. </p>
<p>For worries about bills, I set up an online banking and bill paying arrangement to help my folks, with their consent. It required no interface with the bank at all to be able to do that. If there is already an online account, then you would obviously have to be able to access account numbers and passwords. I found that having PoA in place and using it could be done differentially, meaning only as needed for specific things. If my parents were to have wanted access or contact with their institutions, they would have had it easily. I never needed to make a big announcement to my parents that the PoA was now permanently in use, I just did what was helpful and now that only my father with dementia is alive, I continue to handle everything without a hitch. PoAs can be used with some fluidity in a transitional phase. Perhaps your MiL is concerned about not being able to pay her bills or keep good track of it, and would be relieved to know that you could easily use your computer at home to help her. This technology is new to most elders and many develop trouble with hand writing checks and the multi-step process of insuring bills are paid. I cultivated elder buy-in on all issues, normalizing the need for help and using friends and their parents as examples. Doing this early and often can take some of the sting out of becoming more dependent.
Good luck with all of this and do seek professional input.</p>
<p>mamaduck- thinking of you and am very sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I do know the attorney, but I am thinking my H might be remembering a healthcare POA? In any event, I am sure the bank will want its own now. I do think we can sign up for online banking with her consent (which is NOT a given). We will be pitching it to her as relieving her of the burden of writing the checks, and buying the stamps etc as it is not easy for her to get out and she does not do anything via computer.</p>
<p>I have a million other issues to worry about but this one seemed more concrete and like something people could help me with. What is harder to deal with is her stubbornness to get any help at all or even consider moving from her big 2 story Colonial. We have tried all the tips I have read - just “showing” her places, offering to buy a chair lift, setting up aides who she then tells to go home, etc etc. It’s at the point where neighbors and friends are calling us to tell us they are worried about her - what more can we do unless she becomes mentally incapacitated or we physically have to lift her and restrain her to get some help in place. We are 2 hours away but have family who checks on her and lets us know things are declining. </p>
<p>H has shown up at her last Dr appt to get the truth out on the table about several things, and that did prompt the Dr to tell her she needed daily help, which she agreed to in his office only to tell H on the way home that she would not allow it. :(</p>
<p>My MIL doesn’t like care givers in her house and doesnt think she needs them. I had her seen by a gerontologst and this helped to make a diagnosis, (the neurologist was no help). If we tell her the doctor orders it, she will comply. She is fixated right now on her license being taken away, we paid to have her tested (need doctors order) she didn’t make it past the initial computer test. We were so relieved ,she would not give up the keys, we still have to hide them. As her caregiver uses her car to do errands with her. In our situation she is very resistant to her kids telling her what to do, she is the “mother”. Its a challenge getting around it.</p>
<p>surfcity, when we were trying ease the money out of Dad’s hands, someone suggested using the concept of “co-pilot.” As in, “Of course it’s your money, but some days wouldn’t it be nice to have a co-pilot?” </p>
<p>Also just something we’ve found – these big decisions are never made in one conversation. It can take weeks or months for them to come around, so don’t give up.</p>
<p>I’m pledging to myself not to be as difficult as my feisty, spitfire Mom regarding giving up car keys. I just hope I remember what I’ve pledged. </p>
<p>She caused damage to her car several times and hid that information. When my brother wrote to the DMV requesting they pull her license, with a supporting letter from her PCP, she threatened to sue my brother. While she was hospitalized, he sold her car somehow just to halt that issue.</p>
<p>When he limited the amount she could withdraw each time from the bank, she made scenes there and asked how she could get it changed. A bank teller told her it could only be done at probate court, so she marched right over and began proceedings. Someone from probate court called my brother to come get her. It’s crazy sometimes.</p>
<p>oy, paying 3 tuitions that is hard. Your mother still has her wits about her to do something about it. My MIL, complains and keeps going down to the parking garage where her car is. That is why the keys had to be hidden. She found them the first time in the linen closet. (guest one) behind the towels. she has habit of hiding things, in strange places s she may have been looking for a new hiding place. She keeps saying that they shouldn’t have take her keys from her because she is old. it has been explained to her she has memory problems. But then she says she never goes far. Anyway its nuts so you have to take matters into your own hands as there is no reasoning with them, and we would never forgive herself if she hurt someone.</p>
<p>Just a warning that many financial institutions require you to use only THEIR POA and will NOT accept a generic one. It can save a lot of grief if you go and get a POA from EACH of her financial institutions now and have her sign you up as a co-pilot, so you can help pay bills and reduce the tedium for her.</p>
<p>A durable medical power of attorney is also important and should be available at the hospital or medical center where she is a patient. Again, if you use their forms, things proceed A LOT smoother.</p>
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<p>Here on CC, we let typos pass without comment, but this one was just poignant. It nails how intertwined we are in feelings and responsibilities. “she would not forgive herself” and “we would not forgive ourselves” if she hurt someone. </p>
<p>I wish more families would do the tough thing when their elder becomes a terrible driver. I also think we should be testing and retesting the elderly for driving skills. The driving dilemma with aging is one reason H and I have retired to a place with great public transportation. </p>
<p>I bet a lot of elder reactions to POA and giving up keys is an extension of their innate personality. Mom is combative, but Dad (now deceased) in his day just said, “You guys think I shouldn’t drive anymore? Okay.” And he handed off his keys (to my Mom). A big difference was he had confidence she’d drive him wherever he wished. The widow or widower doesn’t have that built-in chauffeur as adult kids are generally busier.</p>