<p>Here is a round of applause for all the adult children doing “more than their share” of caring for elderly loved ones. It means so much when the non-local siblings appreciate the effort and try to help as much as possible in whatever way they can.</p>
<p>That’s the advantage & disadvantage to being an only that I have. I don’t have siblings to argue with or resent, but everything falls on me anyway.</p>
<p>DH was in this position with his father who lived near my SIL. He visited his father once a month (more frequently toward the end), took him grocery shopping, to doctors visits, cooked and froze meals for him. It still didn’t stop his sister from complaining at times that he wasn’t doing enough.</p>
<p>Hi everyone. I just found this thread again. Since I was last here my dad has agreed to stop driving (thank God) and has officially been diagnosed with dementia. I had him at the doctor a couple of weeks ago and despite all of his many medical issues the doctor has said that this is his number one concern. The man has been bleeding internally for who knows how long and has to have periodic transfusions but the dementia now trumps this. In fact my dad was supposed to have a colonoscopy to see if they could find the source of the bleeding but I’ve now had two doctors tell me in the last month that there is no point in doing any tests because he is not a candidate for surgery or other “treatments” Does anyone else feel like they need a translator when speaking with doctors? And for you folks who have placed loved ones in assisted living/nursing homes, how did you know when it was time? My dad has a home health aide come five times a week and gets meals on wheels and we have now gotten him the lifeline notification/alarm system. But now I feel this tremendous guilt because I feel I have taken away any independence he had and my H and I are now responsible for getting him everything he needs and trying to get him to leave his house (not easy). This stinks.</p>
<p>My friend just put her Mom in assisted living. It had been coming for a good two years with progressive memory issues. Mom had been fighting any changes and has gotten progressively more difficult to deal with, yelling at the kids etc.</p>
<p>Mom recently fell and ended up significantly worse mentally as she went through the surgery etc. They used this event as the catalyst to get her into a facility. They first night she called the kids until 3am crying and screaming to go home. The next day she had forgotten all about that and likes her new hotel room.</p>
<p>It was very difficult for my friend, but it finally came to a time when Mom was simply not safe alone.</p>
<p>anxiousmommy–you’re not taking away his independence, the disease (dementia) is. Don’t feel guilty for doing what you have to do to keep him (and others) safe.</p>
<p>Cute–my father was asking questions about his digital picture frame and I had to remind him that there’s no “film” in it. I expect 20 years from now my grandchildren will have some sort of new technology and I won’t have a clue how it works. :D</p>
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<p>I had done all of the above for my mom and I resisted moving her to assisted living (she WAS in assisted living - I was the assistance). I was also checking the refrigerator because if she didn’t dispose of the food she was given by Meals on Wheels she no longer noticed that it had spoiled. She sometimes would wait to eat the hot meals so fish would sit on the counter for several hours. I am a former special ed teacher, a school psychologist, so I had all sorts of cute signs and reminders around the kitchen. Still came in to find bad food. </p>
<p>I know how guilty you feel. And the truth is, the move does take away some of their grounding and they are lost at first. Let’s face it, at this point they are often incapable of learning new things, and we are putting them in new surroundings. </p>
<p>Here’s how I finally agreed. First, I realized that this could go on for a very long time. I just didn’t know if I could keep up the level of support for my mom for say, ten years. Maybe if I thought she only had a year to live my decision would have been different.</p>
<p>I also knew if I didn’t make a change now, the next option would be a locked unit and I was hoping she could adjust and be maintained in personal care or assisted living. </p>
<p>There was a lovely little apartment available close to where dad was in skilled nursing. There were other apartments on campus, but not as nice as that building. If I refused the offer AGAIN, I was afraid that when it became a necessity, I would be offered a lesser choice. </p>
<p>I was getting calls from the social worker assigned to the independent living apartments. He made me feel like a schmuck. </p>
<p>That said, it wasn’t easy and if I hadn’t worked so diligently, she would not have adjusted. I look at the monthly calendar of activities, pick out stuff for the week, plus her personal appointments, and then make a weekly calendar for her. I give this to the staff. I then make a daily calendar that says “good morning, WNP’s mom, today is Wednesday, October 10, 2012 and here are your activities.” I include the activity, the floor or location, and the time. AT the bottom I have in large letters - remember to tell someone if you leave the building. </p>
<p>That avoids the APB going out on mom! :)</p>
<p>The first week I got calls every day. It has been thirty days and I didn’t get a call in four days. YAY!</p>
<p>And I feel I can actually go away this weekend.</p>
<p>I just spoke to my father and he said the visiting nurse said he should be in “assisted living” as opposed to an independent apartment. Well, she may be right but he is just fine mentally and is I think insulted by the suggestion. So he plans to keep on keeping on, especially being very careful not to fall again. He told me he goes around barefoot now because his new place is carpeted and he can feel the floor better without shoes on. </p>
<p>Whatever works. 
I am so so glad he still has his mental faculties, anyway. My sympathies to those of you struggling with that problem.</p>
<p>WNP- Quite the accomplishment and great settling in tips, regardless of what type of moves our elders may be making. </p>
<p>Enjoy your much-deserved weekend away.</p>
<p>I just found this thread again after a long absence, and it’s been therapeutic seeing everyone’s solutions to the various problems. My mom is living on her own and having short term memory issues. She confided that she has gotten lost while driving to visit friends in town, and acknowledges that this is a serious warning sign that she should cut back on driving (she is 86). My brother and sister, who are 9 and 7 years older than me, are now on a mission to have her “sign over” her financial dealings to my brother. He is already the executor of her trust with a clause that gives him automatic power of attorney once my mom is declared incompetent by two doctors. We always assumed a transition to incompetence would be something that occurred suddenly, due to illness, rather than a very slow mental decline. I am at a loss as to how to go about suggesting to her that it’s time to have my brother manage her finances.</p>
<p>^I would try to take over the finances BEFORE something happens such as your mom writing a large check to some bogus charity or contractor.</p>
<p>I’m going to visit my father next weekend. My brother is thrilled…he’s planning to have ME take him to a doctor appt. & the dentist.</p>
<p>One appt. is an evaluation so he can be approved for assisted living. Here we go.</p>
<p>My father was so embarrassed that he fell big time for a scam that I had no trouble convincing him that he should let me handle his finances. He is now on a cash basis, with his credit cards and his check book living at my house while he just moved into assisted living.</p>
<p>Agree with previous poster–you do NOT want to have to clean up a big financial mess after the fact–better to be proactive.</p>
<p>Just got a call from my mom’s new facility where she’s been in the skilled care section since January. They feel she’s improved enough to move downstairs to assisted living. She had been in another facility the last several years, and the last two involved revolving door stays in hospital/skilled nursing for bouts with cellulitis. Even though we’ll save a whole 240 dollars a month with the move, I’m not going for it. She’s getting excellent care in the skilled care unit and has greatly improved, and I say, If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! I am also not up for yet another move, even though they say they’ll take care of everything. I’ll still have to deal with changing the phone and complaining phone calls about this being misplaced and that being misplaced. I doubt my brother who is in the same city will be any assistance with the move. He’s in the middle of a big trial right now. Of course, two of her good friends are moving downstairs, so there will be plenty of whining because of that, but I really feel that I’m getting rushed into this and it’s not in any of our best interests. I love the nurse that takes care of her in the skilled section, and she would no longer be her nurse, so I have my doubts that she’d be at the same level of care if she makes the move.</p>
<p>^^
I wish the care facilities didn’t have to draw such sharp distinctions between “skilled” care, assisted living etc. I’ve found the same situation with home health options. Different people (with different hourly rates) are available depending on the precise type of care that is needed. This pretty much guarantees there will be no continuity of care for someone who is declining in increments. </p>
<p>With regard to my mom’s finances, I agree that we have to do something before we find out about a scam or forgotten bill. I’m hoping to convince my brother to take a gradual approach, with him reviewing accounts regularly and asking my mom for her input instead of just grabbing the reins in his usual style. I know my mom sometimes feels bullied by him, and then becomes very stubborn. As a “bonus baby” I sometimes feel like I’m in a double decker sandwich generation. I have my daughter starting college, my mom losing her independence, and my older siblings with their own age associated health problems. I guess I should be an expert in elder care by the time I need help!</p>
<p>My 89-year-old dad went into the hospital two weeks ago with pneumonia and anemia, and is coming home Monday on hospice (advanced COPD). He went in frail and came out dying. How does that happen so quickly? I think I’m going to need you guys.</p>
<p>Hi Mary. Welcome =/. My mom went into hospital for a cracked hip (she fell) and didn’t even need surgery; she went to rehab and had “failure to thrive.” After three weeks of being in so much pain in all parts of her body, not just the hip, she couldn’t do PT or OT any more and needed so much pain med that she stopped eating. Then one day she stopped drinking and two days later we transferred her to the hospice hospital (the rehab would have had to send her to hospital if she coded even tho she had signed a DNR). She died the evening we transferred her. She also went in frail and came out dying. I think that is how dying can work: you are elderly and frail and something hits hard enough to take you to the hospital and all systems sort of suddenly fail. We just do not live forever! Hugs to you!!!</p>
<p>One more thing - my mom also had underlying anemia, the cause of which they could not figure out. Her doc mentioned to me that this can be from kidneys failing to work well, which is a sign that the body is failing. When the kidneys go, the system shuts down. So that anemia with no apparent cause can signal the end. xoxoxox</p>
<p>Mary13, so sorry you are going through this. We all feel for you. It’s rough seeing your parent deteriorate so rapidly.</p>
<p>So sorry to read about this. My SIl went from being pretty healthy in her early 70s, to being pretty tired around Thanksgiving (as the cancer came back after a remission). She rallied when we visited her in March. The day after we left, she died, leaving us all rather stunned by the suddenness of her death. </p>
<p>Officially, life expectancy in the US is 78.5 years [FASTSTATS</a> - Life Expectancy](<a href=“NCHS - 404 Error - Resource Not Available”>Referral Page - FASTSTATS - Life Expectancy) and our loved ones in their 80s are already beyond that so it’s tough to know when a strong health blow will weaken them so that they never really recover. Pneumonia used to be called the old person’s friend, as it allowed older folks to die in relative peace and comfort rather than having their lives extended and being coded and revived time and again. People and body parts do run out and at some point, sometimes it it seems they go from somewhat frail to dying overnight.</p>
<p>^Agree! My father uses a walker now and he hates it but it is the new normal. At least it’s not a wheelchair. If he can keep from falling any more he’ll be stable, but every time he falls (gets bruised but nothing broken yet) or has a bout of pneumonia, he comes out in slightly worse shape.</p>
<p>I guess your choices are to die suddenly or decline gradually. And we don’t get to choose. :(</p>
<p>Thanks, everybody. When I think of how my dad was one year ago, two years ago, three years ago, it’s clear that there has been a gradual decline. But the last lap sure seems like a sprint, doesn’t it? I have this irrational thought that if I hadn’t brought him to the hospital, he would still be okay. He was much more mobile and alert two weeks ago when he was at home on antibiotics and iron pills than he is two weeks later after enduring IVs and transfusions and a variety of “scopes.”</p>
<p>So sorry you’re going through this, Mary13. The speed with which the elderly can decline can be baffling.</p>
<p>DH went through this a year ago with his father. He had some medical issues, but was generally OK. He went into the hospital because his back hurt and, within one month, couldn’t swallow, had a feeding tube inserted, moved to rehab, seemed Ok for maybe a week, started going downhill, and died. It seems that with the elderly things can change very quickly.</p>
<p>My own DM is almost 91 yo and is in a nursing home. Every time she gets as much as a cold, I think that this could be it. Right now she has a mysterious rash on her torso so who knows what’s happening.</p>