<p>Thanks all. I do think the POA may be an easier sell than dealing with medical issues, esp since I formerly worked in banking so MIL has always asked me financial questions. I can see her using me to pay her bills as saving face, thinking her DIL is the expert etc.</p>
<p>H heads down tomorrow. Latest word from her friend is she did not want to get out of bed today or do the stairs. :(</p>
<p>Weirdest transition ever: Mom entered a nursing home this week for Stage 6 Alzheimers. There are 7 stages. Her physical health is quite good.</p>
<p>They gave her a bed in the Hospice wing, due to a very contagious flu-type virus. Everyone newly admitted this week was put into Hospice singles.</p>
<p>More than the usual number of repetitions for reassurance were needed! Soon she’ll move to a regular double room in their Memory wing. I hope she likes her new roommate – now, where did I hear that question before?</p>
<p>Goodness, paying3, hugs. That is tough. I didn’t know Alzheimers had stages like cancer. I hope she likes her roommate, too! </p>
<p>I admit I stalled too long for getting Mom’s license away from her, but only about six months once I really really knew. I turned her into the the DMV before her birthday and license was to expire. They did do the test then, so they were the bad guys and she never knew she had been turned it. Problem was that she continued to drive after that and sucessfully lied to me about it. When I got up there and found out … she never drove again and the car was sold pretty quickly.</p>
<p>I’ve been sorting some of her stuff. Got into a box of slides. Funny to see me as a baby and her as a child bride. (Married at 18, sister born at 19, but more than 9 months after wedding!) They were so very young.</p>
<p>Just to update–my father’s lung biopsy was negative, he’s over the latest bout of pneumonia, and enjoying rehab. (He really likes the attention of physical therapy.) 
He has unrealistic goals, as usual, but it’s good that he’s trying to get in better shape. Maybe he WILL graduate to using only a cane…we’ll see. What a guy. :)</p>
<p>So glad for your good news mommusic. What a relief.
My mom’s license is up for renewal this week. I have been mentioning for months now that a state ID is what she needs now. She had been resistant until today. She brought up that she needs a proper ID and then told us “Well, if I needed to drive, I could.” My mil hasn’t driven in 50 years so at least my mom gets to be the grandma who “could” drive if needed, in an emergency.</p>
<p>esobay, here’s a link about the 7 Stages of Alzheimers, which I only found this season. It helped me. Instead of a muddle, I could find my parents and know what to expect next. Not every caregiver wants to see it in B&W or have a roadmap; YMMV.</p>
<p>If interested, scroll through the estimable credentials of Dr. Barry Reisberg of NYU until the boldface subtitles describing each stage and its major behaviors.</p>
<p>[The</a> Adapted FAST: Introduction and Application | CPI](<a href=“http://www.crisisprevention.com/Resources/Article-Library/Dementia-Care-Specialists-Articles/Assessment/The-Adapted-FAST-Introduction-and-Application]The”>The Adapted FAST: Introduction and Application)</p>
<p>Great news, mommusic. </p>
<p>Thanks for that post, paying3. My mom seems to be mostly in Stage 4, although she also has the Stage 6 symptoms of personality change and suspiciousness.</p>
<p>Condolences to everyone who had a loss and had to find a way to make it through the holidays. May your happy memories be strong.</p>
<p>My mother has decided to move from the NE (near me) to the south, in a few months, to be near a male cousin she was always close to. They have always been in touch, really are a sort of soul mates, though haven’t seen each other in decades. All this purposely excludes me, which I have to accept. My brother is in regular contact with her, though he’s on the other coast.</p>
<p>Like others, she hoards, refuses help (or makes it challenging/impossible) and is easily defiant, draws hard lines in the sand. This doesn’t seem to anyone to be dementia or medically-related, (she is functional and intellectually in shape, though dealing with health issues) but a lifelong personality pattern. At 86, she is clinging to the independence she does have, for reasons related to her own history. Counseling keeps pointing me to accept that I cannot have any impact. (Of course, I would like to have some impact, would like to do what’s right, be supportive and useful. But, surprisingly, everyone tells me this is futile, in this situation.)</p>
<p>My thought is to remember the good. It’s hard but can be done. But also, look forward. I’m going through our own home, clearing out what isn’t needed, what clutters our lives. I take the time to listen to my girls’ needs and build what they need in our relationships. </p>
<p>The hardest part isn’t on me, because I can look back (and because I know my intentions were/are in the right place.) It’s the loss of this part of family to my girls. There is no easy way to explain to a 21 and 22 year old that Grandma wants out. I can’t protect them from that reality (I mention this because none of us here can.) But I can try to help them understand, feel and know that we are still a unit. So, be sure to look in that direction, make sure it is good, healthy and strong-- as well as the tasks and turmoils at hand.</p>
<p>lookingforward, thanks for sharing your insights; that’s helpful to me with my mom as well.</p>
<p>You are doing a better job than I’ve done with tending to your daughters’ needs in all of this. There were times when my dad was so all-consuming that everyone around me suffered from neglect, and times when D became my support instead of vice versa. I’m glad you’ve given some thought to including your Ds in your process, and what they need. You are a good mom. And a good daughter. </p>
<p>And your counselor is right (as you know). You cannot change your mom. You can only control how you respond. I’m impressed with your soft and open heart, and your insight. You’re doing good.</p>
<p>I read this following post, and thought of my friends in this thread. It’s a daughter’s tender, loving, sad story of her mother’s time so far in a special care unit for dementia. I was especially touched by the Jane Kenyon poem at the end.</p>
<p>It’s a short little piece, and I’m not sure why it affected me so deeply. Maybe just because of the writing.</p>
<p>[url=<a href=“http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/01/16/1270089/-One-year-of-special-care]Daily”>One year of special care]Daily</a> Kos: One year of special care<a href=“NOT%20political%20in%20any%20way%20at%20all.%20If%20this%20link%20is%20deleted%20by%20the%20mods,%20Google%20%22One%20year%20of%20special%20care%20Laurel%20in%20CA%22%20to%20find%20it%20on%20the%20Daily%20Kos.”>/url</a></p>
<p>since I am logged in, thought I’d ;;wave;; to my peeps.</p>
<p>I’ve been spending a lot of time scanning all Mom’s 2013 transactions and tossing the paper. Brought up a lot of mixed feelings as I saw both how much I got closed and stopped YAY and how much crud there was to deal with BOO. Next up: taxes info gathering for tax lady. This will be the worst year due to the thefts, fire, legal costs and selling everything that wasn’t nailed down. Thank goodness she has a really good tax lady. I do ours so didn’t have a clue how to find a good one.</p>
<p>Esobay- your tenacity is epic! What a time you have had. Glad you are taking a moment to acknowledge the progress.</p>
<p>I am inspired by all of the caregivers and care partners here. Here’s to the good moments!</p>
<p>At least partly because of this thread, we are “getting our estate” in order, so as not to leave a mess for our kids. A year ago, started working with an estate attorney. Today, we worked more with him and are slowly getting everything in good order. YIPPEE! We are happy that things will be neat and not too stressful.</p>
<p>Sadly, that does not carry over to the clutter we have around the house, but at least our finances will be neat and we continue to work on the rest. :)</p>
<p>wow to make a move at 86. interesting
MIL has finally been taken off Ativan and is cognitively better although I guess she is more “cranky”. I knew it wasn’t the med for her.
I wish could hug everyone.</p>
<p>lookingforward, Have you asked your mother to reconsider moving? As downtoearth says, moving at age 86 is interesting (especially to be near a cousin she has not seen in decades) and seems very risky.
MY SIL’s mother insisted on moving in her early 80’s to be near cousins and to a state nowhere near any of her 3 children. It was a disaster. She kept calling the cousins for help and the cousins kept in turn calling her adult children saying they really could not help at the level the mother wanted and needed. She actually was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and her thinking was not clear but it did not become apparent until she made this move. She ended up having to be moved to the city of one of her children. At some point, unfortunately, mom does not always know best and sometimes it is necessary to intervene. All of this is so hard.</p>
<p>My folks are in their 80s (dad will be 90 shortly). They are flirting with the idea of moving, so who knows what the future will bring. In their case, the move would be to a senior living community, less than 5 miles from the home they’ve lived in for the past 75 years. </p>
<p>They have TONS of junk in their home–not hoarders, but they rarely EVER discard any clothing (or wrapping paper or gift bags) and have taken over all the closets and dressers in their 4 bedroom home, plus a few extra racks of clothes. Clothing is bursting out of all the dressers and closets–very nice pieces next to things they haven’t worn in ages.</p>
<p>Periodically, one of the boys will go and clean things with large contractor trash bags, but it’s very discouraging and a never ending battle! S has done it, and my brothers have done it. It’s a thankless job and generally the cleaner ends up getting sick from the dust and ??? stirred up during the cleaning. H & I can’t do the cleaning, as it is really bad for our asthma. My sisters have hired cleaners, but they only do superficial cleaning and aren’t empowered to actually DISCARD anything. They have paper goods that more than covers an entire double bed, including unused toilet paper and paper towels to last them several years.</p>
<p>I’ve always worn gloves and a face mask when working at mom’s house. Essential!! And I go through several boxes of kleenex too. I honestly don’t know how people don’t develop severe breathing problems living in that environment.</p>
<p>There are hundreds of towels and sheets at my parents’ house since Mom was bedridden and needed clean linens daily. Boxed up a bunch of the nicer things for a medical mission run through my parents’ church and I still brought a box of 24 flat white sheets back home with me. I am cutting them up to use as foundation pieces (i.e., internal structure on which the quilt fabric is sewn) for quilts my synagogue is making for a local women’s shelter. </p>
<p>My sisters and one of my brothers are taking turns w/Dad going through stuff in the house and figuring out what we can toss, donate, recycle, etc. It is a long, slow process.</p>
<p>Just found this thread in CC and just needed to vent. Parents are in their 80’s and and still live at home. Mom still drives around and dad has signs of dementia. They have lots of doctors appointments. I have 4 sibllings who all live within a mile of my parents. Mom had a dr appt this week and I couldn’t take him since I had my own dr appt. She insisted she knew where to go and I verified with 1 of my sisters that my mom had the correct directions. My sister insisted my mom would be fine. Of course, I find out she got lost and ended at the right building but wrong floor and wrong office. My dad has an appt later this week. I send out an email to my siblings giving details and asked for volunteers. Of course no response back from anyone so I may need to go take him again. I live at least 25 miles from parents but siblings who are much closer can’t be bothered. I’ll also be driving during rush hour so it will take me close to an hour in one direction. Sorry for the long post just need to get this off my chest:)</p>
<p>123txmom–Unfortunately, sometimes doctors appts, tests, and so forth become a full time occupation for the elderly. My father only lived at home so long (till he was almost 90) because he was of sound mind and could keep up with his meds and drive himself to the doctor.</p>
<p>Can you call a family meeting and explain the problem? Maybe offer to keep a “shift list” so everyone will have a turn but in a fair rotation.</p>
<p>Failing that, just CALL the sibs in turn and tell them it’s their turn to drive! Don’t wait for volunteers…</p>