<p>Thanks mommusic! I need to be more forceful. What annoys me is that I get no response whether anyone can or can’t help. I understand people have to work, take kids to school,etc… but at least respond and give a reason for not helping.</p>
<p>123- I’m afraid you are in for much more of that with your sibs. Several of us here have similar issues. If you continue to try and your sibs continue to ignore, you may need to get your parents to schedule appointments that work with your life. It really stinks that they live so close to your parents and are fine with you coming so far to handle this.</p>
<p>123- how frustrating. Don’t know if your sibs are likely to rise to the occasion, though you probably do. This sounds like a potential fork in the road with your folks. I have empathy for the dilemma. If you haven’t already, sometimes a family mtg. with sibs together can help lay the groundwork for navigating parents’ increasing needs. After you sort out current functioning, where assistance is needed, what resources exist and see who is willing to reliably do what, you then can look to the specifics. It can take time to process, even if ultimately all will be on board. That said, many families can’t get that far. Lots of us here have flown solo or engaged outside help, and some have found unexpected sibling connections. Others have helped me see the value of pro-actively getting ducks in a row and trying to be sure that expectations are realistic. Take good care of yourself.</p>
<p>Treading lightly, because you needed to vent, but still: I wonder if the other sibs are doing many pesky errands that proximity supports, such as dropping off groceries or meds, unclogging toilets, unscrambling the remote control. If they drop in often for small situations, or just to check in to visit and monitor, they might assume you should handle dr’s appointments which are one big block of time. </p>
<p>There’s a psychological term for this (can’t recall) but if you ask three people at once to do something, nobody will because they’ll figure the other one replied. Group emails don’t work well if you’re trying to get some work delegated! </p>
<p>I hope you can have a family meeting to reframe what everyone can do from here forward. Surely you are worried as sometimes the one far away sees the big changes (such as getting lost) as significant. The ones living very close can do more work-arounds and fudge around changing behaviors. I find it hard to be far away for just this reason.</p>
<p>LasMa, thanks for the kind words. Sevmom, it’s complicated, not the first time she manufactured a distance between herself and my brother/me. I kind of doubt she will pull it together to move. </p>
<p>I’m not as detached as I may sound. Not at all.</p>
<p>I think a family meeting is in order. Everyone can explain their own view of the situation. Sometimes those close to the situation do not have an accurate assessment of need. An example is that you were told that mom knows the directions, yes maybe she does but cannot follow them. They may not be able to see how things have changed. This happened with my brother and also with my husband’s sister until a crisis occurred. If transportation is the need that must be met at this point, check with the dept. of elderly in the area your parents live, there may be senior transportation to appointments available. Unfortunately, this is the start of a long road and it will be so much easier if you are all able to be on the same page. Best of luck, you can always come here and vent!</p>
<p>lookingforward, hugs</p>
<p>123, hugs to you, too. It does seem to be a long lonely road, even when the siblings are supportive. My bro didn’t get how much help Mom really needed for a whole year while I only nudged him in the background. We let it go on way to long IMHO, but I don’t hold it against us; I just feel sad that she was floundering while trying to fake it. She resented any implication that she needed help, but she has taken it <em>fairly</em> well now that it is forced on her. We would have really kicked ourselves if she had hurt someone while driving. It got so bad her friend called and told me that Mom was getting lost in her home town and would call for directions. We should have stepped in that very day.</p>
<p>123- I certainly hope a family meeting is feasible. Just an idea though: My father drives but he would get lost going 1/2 mile without using a GPS. Would such a tool be feasible for her? With the GPS, he just has to worry about details once he gets there and writes everything down. </p>
<p>I have been absent for a bit. I’ve been reading and blessings to all of you and all that you do. My parents are doing well with independent living. My father is claiming he and the doctor agreed he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s “because of his age (78)” but on two meds for Alzheimer’s. I think the Dr probably said he doesn’t have “early” Alzheimer’s. I see no reason to correct him. </p>
<p>My FIL, who lives in another city, looks to be dying in the next several days. He is 88 and really dying of old age. I think a few days as he stopped producing urine. I’m “told” that dying of kidney failure is an “easy” way to die. He is alert to respond to questions with a nod and not uncomfortable at all. When it became clear about 2 months ago, after a hospitalization, that he would not be able to return to assisted living and confined to a nursing home because he did not want to get out of bed or eat, we called hospice to follow him. It was a good decision as he has been content without any visits to the hospital, needle sticks and blood draws. We are told that can be changed at any time but DH and his sister have given consistent messages to leave him alone and allow him to die in peace. He nods that he is not in any pain. MIL died 2 years ago this month. He has an amazing constitution and has always soldiered on despite many chronic medical conditions. In addition, his mind has been just as sharp as ever.</p>
<p>I’d be worried that someone who used to be able to navigate locally, but now can’t, has more cognitive issues than just route-finding. A GPS might be able to prevent a driver from getting lost, but it won’t prevent them from making potentially deadly driving errors due to other cognitive deficits. </p>
<p>That is, a person who doesn’t remember that the hair salon is two blocks down on the left might also not remember to watch for unpredictable little kids when passing the school. It seems to me that a person who has lost the ability to navigate has lost the ability to drive safely.</p>
<p>I’m not talking about people who have always tended to get lost (like me!) but people who have clearly lost mental capacity they previously had.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang, I agree and that is a good point as relates to 123’s mom. As to my dad, he has lived here for 8 months. I’ve been trying to figure out when to insist that his lack of navigational skills indicate that he just can’t drive (especially since I want his brand new Prius!). He used to be a navy pilot and could always navigate. Fortunately, my mom has no interest as is content not to have a license.</p>
<p>The driving issue can be deadly. It’s one issue where I think “nice” and “tolerant” should take a back seat, so to say. Maybe a driving eval from something like AAA will reassure. Please err on the side of caution.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the support and suggestions! I have a brother who does go every Sunday and takes out parents for lunch and he travels so I know he is trying to be involved. Wouldn’t you know the only reply I got back for taking my dad came from my SIL who offered to help. I have one sister in denial of what my parents can truly handle (she’s the one the told me my mom would have no trouble getting to her appt) My mom does well driving as long as its a place she’s been to before and is familiar. We had to take the car away from my dad because of his medical issues although he still insists he should be able to drive. Thank goodness his doctors reinforced the fact that he could hurt himself and/or others on road. What really made an impact with him is a story in our city of an elderly woman who went through red light and killed a 16-yr old girl (which is the same age of my nieces and went to their school).</p>
<p>123tx Let your SIL help. I wouldn’t mind helping my MIL, but she only wants my husband to help her, not me. 32 years of marriage and I’m still on the outside.</p>
<p>Yes, please don’t be “nice” about not wanting to intervene to stop an elderly person who is no longer safe driving. You wouldn’t want to be the son or daughter of the elderly driver who kills a child. How would you live with yourself, knowing you had the power to simply take the keys away, but you didn’t do it, and now some other mother is looking at a small coffin?</p>
<p>I hear you all. My dad and I made an agreement, in front of the doctor, that I would drive with him every so often and assess his skills. If I felt he needed to be evaluated, he would get one through OT/PT at our major medical center. So far he has done well when I have been with him. But he has put only 94 miles on the car in the last 6 months. Fortunately, my mom did not pass the drivers test.</p>
<p>I have had to be the bad guy on the driving issue and it isn’t easy. Mom threw a few fits in public over it. I need to get her a state ID but she will probably throw one last fit at the DMV so I haven’t been in a hurry. I absolutely could not live with myself if she hurt someone and I had allowed her to stay licensed- especially while living with me. Even if she could pass a ten minute driving test, she falls asleep instantly, has mental confusion and can’t be trusted where quick, good judgement is needed. She hasn’t put up a huge fight over it since I live in a busy city environment and all of her driving has been in a Mayberry RFD setting. I suspect deep down she knows she shouldn’t and can’t drive around here.</p>
<p>Hi all, I am new to this thread. I have been reading from the start and made my way up to July 2013. Want to finish reading but posting a note now that might be of some help and comfort. Great to share info and stories to a supportive group that are all in the same boat. My best friend had been keeping me informed on CC so I only recently have been looking at CC. Learning so much from this thread! Will try to add a few useful general comments. RE driver’s license - My mother had to have her driver’s license taken away, but she ‘fought’ it as best she could, trying to get it back (voluntary forfeiture, long story). Some siblings were afraid of her wrath by writing in to the State (WI)- they have a DMV form, but they have where you can write up a complaint and have a separate notary document so you are ‘anonymous’ if you so wish. I signed my name and a church deacon (who knew mom well from an overseas trip) from where I live also signed a written statement (I live out of state - and my mom never complained to me about my letter - I was factual, plus I had a pretty good relationship with her, she liked my calls and visits and also that I have the youngest grandchildren). My mom took driving lessons from a state trouper (paid him on his own time), and had a behind the wheel exam scheduled; my sister called in to the State and the person there was a nit-wit and said nothing could be done to stop the test; my sister called the local testing center, informed them about mom’s driving history and complaints on file - that person did care (heck they didn’t want mom behind the wheel in their community, a small town!) and they canceled the test for that day and the State of WI after file review sent mom a letter that she was not eligible to re-apply for a driver’s license (she took the letter to her lawyer, and he said it was closed). If your parents are sketchy drivers, get an umbrella policy out on them; my dad did this when he was alive (knowing mom was a weak driver at best), and the insurance did pay out - then canceled her. Mom’s next step after getting license would be to getting insurance, but she was willing to pay out the nose…not sure anyone would have taken her. On long term care insurance - I tried to get my mom a policy over my local sibling’s objection; there were two companies that I talked to during my visit, and when you get rejected from one it is hard to get a policy from another; if we had applied to the higher priced policy, we might have been able to get benefits, but sibling would only let the application go in to the lower priced policy (and she was rejected). But the end result was that local sibling did a great job helping care for mom, and her estate was preserved (lived two houses away, hired live in help, etc.) When mom’s dementia digressed to where she needed a diaper at night, I told my sibling that I believe she would qualify for Hospice (her decline to me seemed that she would not survive another 6 months). In their area, it meant going through ER and hospital admit so enough MDs could evaluate; it turns out they believe mom had a gall bladder infection and was Hospice certified, so after 4 days of IV antibiotics at hospital, she came home to hospital bed and Hospice care, and died 4 days later - very peacefully. Over the last year or so, her body and mind were failing - she did not want extra measures, and was ‘borderline’ for needing a pacemaker - but we followed her wishes and no pacemaker. As for applying for long term care policies for yourself, the market is getting pricey - H and I got policies when we were in our 40’s (got the best rates for great health), and we have this year and two additional years of significantly rising premiums (based on a recent letter, our first premium increases - 22% each of three years; we are now 57) but with a great company so we expect the benefits will be intact. I look at LTC policies like disability policies - insurance companies like to delay approving benefits if they can…I had stage III cancer in 2009 (and thankfully after a ton of treatment am now cancer free) and my medical oncologist rated me 8-10 in pain, 8-10 in nausea, and 8-10 in fatigue - the insurance tried to tell me on the phone that I did not qualify (they even had a retired FBI agent interview me at home and write up a report; I had a friend, retired gov’t employee here for support, as I was extremely fatigued due to chemo); I told them I was disappointed and would have to have my attorney contact them; the next morning my benefits were approved. I had to change my insurance agent (we had other policies with this firm) - my first agent did not give a flip; my now current agent I know well and she went to bat for me. If you delay to age 60 like Dave Ramsey recommends, you may not qualify for LTC insurance, or it may be really really pricey. So hopefully some of this info is of help to someone currently dealing with aging family members. My in-laws are still living in their home and a BIL lives close enough to help some, and they have a great next door neighbor couple help look out (plus a cousin who takes MIL to grocery every week). MIL can still drive, but she is super cautious. MIL did finally get dentures and expensive hearing aids - has her first great-grandchild and plans to be around a while. FIL could not live alone or at home without MIL. FIL was angry about his limitations for a while, but his attitude has improved. We get along super great, and they were the most empathetic with me when I was fighting for my life (H was in denial “you are not that sick”). DD1 and DD2 were 13 and 15 when I was diagnosed - I always expressed positive messages that it will be fine. As they matured, they realized how fortunate I was to recover. DD2 goes off to college in the Fall; DD1 is doing great at college. Persistence, patience, sometimes holding one’s tongue. Prayer. Faith community, friends. Hugs to all struggling as the sandwich generation!</p>
<p>SOS thank you for sharing. In your H’s defense- denial can help cancer patients survival rate- but I only read the study that meant denial in the patient not the family ;)</p>
<p>Welcome SOS. You certainly have had your challenges! </p>
<p>Paragraphs would help us read some of your great advice.</p>
<p>Hi - I was afraid to try paragraph form because on facebook it sends your message.</p>
<p>However now I see I could have done it.</p>
<p>Maybe I can go back and ‘edit’.</p>
<p>I have also learned to do preview post, because I have sometimes gone directly to submit reply, had to re-log in, then lost the message.</p>
<p>I hope some of the sandwich generation can find reasonable LTC policies for themselves. Many of their parents are too old/too sick to qualify, and the rates might be really too high too.</p>
<p>The insurance umbrella policy is reasonable in cost - if you have homeowner’s and car insurance with the same company, it can cover above what the limits are - so it can help cover elderly bad judgment (and also young adult too). There was a diabetic young driver in Huntsville AL recently that had a bad crash, then continued driving and crashed more - a child was killed and now their is a lawsuit (police are not charging him due to no alcohol, no drugs; evidently the diabetes caused his confusion). H and I took out an umbrella policy when DDs started driving; in litigious society, we probably will keep for peace of mind.</p>
<p>Hang in everyone, and hugs!</p>