<p>On Facebook, use shift-enter to put in paragraphs.</p>
<p>Brother wanted mother to have umbrella policy after my dad died last year. Her auto liability and homeowners policies are the max you can buy (dad was a retired physician so always carried up to the limits). Insurance agent said okay, but the likelihood of ever paying was just about non-existent; they advised against it.</p>
<p>However, B was insistent so for $78 she got another 2 million. Whatever. Mother drives very little; sometimes not even once a week. I do most of it for her.</p>
<p>We have an umbrella policy for H and I. Just a little extra security, inexpensively.</p>
<p>We have a high umbrella policy. It provides great peace of mind and from my days as a trial attorney, I know the best firms in our town are on contract with the umbrella carriers. It really is cheaper than getting higher limits on each insurance policy. </p>
<p>My folks self limit their driving and are fine with their $8k/year auto insurance premiums. Very little regs on our books for older drivers, since most of our legislators are SRs themselves. It is very scary and you have to drive very defensively around our neighborhood with it’s many SR drivers. </p>
<p>Mistakes occur not just while driving – while un-parking as well. A very typical mistake that seniors make is to put the car in “forward” mode but think they have it in “reverse.” It could be an early impact of short-term memory loss, or just general distraction/confusion. Then, from a parked position, they accelerate and bolt forward into the next… car, person, pole, whatever.</p>
<p>In my previous community, a super-senior parked in mini-mall with front of car facing an ice-cream parlor. That person gunned the accelerator, driving right through the plate glass window, flattening the table-and-chairs where two people had been siting moments before. Told news reporters, “I thought I was in Reverse.”</p>
<p>I can’t see how the next generation will tolerate this situation of seniors not being re-tested and re-licensed as they go into their 80’s and 90’s. I’m told there’s a pre-test now after a certain age, where some states’ DMV use a written quiz to pick off the most addled applicants for license renewal. My own Mom failed that, fretted for a week before her mini-road test, but passed the road test. Then she banged up her own car repeatedly. Since she lived rural, this kickstarted the whole process of relocation to a continuous care campus that had some bus transport. She never got comfortable using “public transportation” and sometimes used her car, other times called taxicabs. Within a year, we took away her keys with much angst all around. After that, we wanted her to call more cabs and not so much on my brother for rides. We repeated this mantra: “When we sold your car, Mom, that pays for a lot of cab fares. Use them!” But there’s a phrase in Yiddish, “Gornisht Helfen.” (Nothing helps.) She came of age during the Great Depression so didn’t like to “throw away money on cab fares” – but would gladly prevail on her own children as chauffeurs!</p>
<p>Thinking back now, I was deeply troubled by her attitude about the possibility of her poor driving doing harm to others, because she didn’t care enough. When we talked about it, I’d say, “Aside from hurting yourself, what would happen if your car hit a young mom with a stroller?” Nothing! No response on that (we were talking in person). In earlier days, that would have guilted her. But she wouldn’t engage with that idea. It was part of my realizing she was becoming MUCH more self-centered and inward directed. She cared much more about her own loss of mobility, autonomy and independence than to recognize her responsibility for other peoples’ lives. That was not the generous and loving Mom I knew growing up, always concerned about others’ rights as well as her own. </p>
<p>This long vent is just my way of saying to all going through this stage now over car keys: You have my deepest support and sympathies. </p>
<p>It did not take my Mom very long after she moved to AL to not ask about the car or want to drive. She does get frustrated sometimes, but recently I am getting the sense she is happy not to have that worry. It took this whole year. She has been in AL now for just over a year and seems happier. Although she was NOT happy that I warned the staff that she bought herself cold tablets and was taking them without telling anyone, except me. She was showing me how she can still look after herself… NOT. I just wish they hadn’t told her I ratted her out because if she does it again, I am sure she won’t let me know; she is still crafty that way . I was frustrated because I thought they were supposed to be keeping an eye on it. She SAID she took three cold tablets one day and was sleeping too much all week. How could they not notice? Gahhhh</p>
<p>^^Yikes!! Tricky, aren’t they! </p>
<p>My mom has been busted on several occasions for what I call practicing without a license and taking her medication as she feels like it - not how it was prescribed. It’s so cold she really isn’t go out much, but I’m not either so I can’t say I blame her. I just wish she’d take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety to help her feel better.</p>
<p>I’m so stressed I don’t think I can stand it. One kid in college (doing fine), another a senior in high school (doing great!), but father died in last quarter of 2013, mom moved to assisted living, I’ve been named successor trustee, I’ve got to sell their house, and my siblings both live out of town, which means I deal with the assisted living place, with visiting mom, with doing all her shopping, with dealing with repairs to the house (husband is being very supportive and helpful), with the realtor, with trying to keep mom from being too depressed that she’s lost her husband and her home, and with deciding what to do with assets. Someone tell me it will get better after I get over the initial parts of this! I just broke into tears at work. </p>
<p>At the beginning it’s extremely stressful. When my mother first moved to assisted living ages ago, I was a wreck. I’d jump every time the phone rang, and it usually had to do with her. My kids were still in elementary school at the time, so I was being pulled in all directions. Yes, I too broke into tears at odd times and places.</p>
<p>Over time, things calmed down with her. I also learned to set priorities regarding what I could handle and what I just had to let go. Enlist whatever help you can. Once the house is sold, that will be one less thing for you to deal with. Your mother is dealing with alot of changes right now, but she should adjust at some point. Talk to someone there about helping your mother make new friends, get involved in activities, etc. </p>
<p>Sorry you’re going through this right now. Sorry about the loss of your father.</p>
<p>Thank you. Mom is doing reasonably well, and starting to talk about her friends there. She is what she calls “blurry” blind and that means that it’s hard for her to take part in some of the activities. She can see large shapes, but doesn’t know who she’s talking to unless she knows the voice or the person clearly identifies herself. She can’t see the movies, she can’t do the art activities, she can’t watch TV, she can’t read. She listens to books on tape, but that’s pretty solitary. And when she gets really sad, she walks the halls. she’s on a walker but fairly mobile, as long as she knows the route really well. She doesn’t want to use the pharmacy that the ALcenter uses, so it seems like I’m picking up prescriptions about once a week or more. However, I just switched to a pharmacy near me that we use, and think that will be better. the WalMart she wanted to use was a nightmare. Every time there was a problem. They’d tell me the prescription was ready and when I showed up, tell me the patient called and said they didn’t want it. Which is absurd, because mom can’t dial the phone and hasn’t been calling them. It just seems like everything is so difficult right now. I know it will get better. Mom didn’t realize how much Dad did to make her life easy, and now that he’s gone, it’s on me. I miss him just because I miss him, but he also left a huge gap in practical ways. thankyou for encouraging me and listening to me.</p>
<p>Moneymom - I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. My dad died over 5 years ago now and it’s been really hard on my mom. It took me a long time to even be able to be sad for me because I was so sad and worried for my mom. He also did a lot for my mom in daily living, he was the more social one, the more practical level headed one. It’s been difficult. I’m sorry you are the one now in charge. I’m far away from my mom so a lot of this is up to my niece who lives with her and my other sister. I try and learn from all of you how to be more helpful for the siblings. One thing I do make to do is talk about my dad with my mom, in nearly every conversation. They met when she was 16, so they literally spent their lives together. I just had her and her moms wedding dresses preserved after cleaning out her attic. One thing I do know, he was essentially her life so though talking about it at first was too hard for me, now we get a kick out of the stories.</p>
<p>mm - just hugs, and very sorry about your dad. I can relate to some of your issues. Hang in there.</p>
<p>moneymom, hang in there, it does get better. I had been so stressed these past few years dealing with my mom, my aunt and my MIL, I became short tempered, teary and my gastric reflux progressed to an ulcer. I should have listened to friends about counseling and possible meds for myself. It finally took a serious fall with a concussion and fractured ribs this fall to put things in perspective for me. Now I do what makes it easier for me. I use an online order for groceries for my aunt, I use a mail order program for medications for my mother. I hired a 24 hour care giver that I trusted for my aunt, not the succession of part time caregivers that she wanted. Billing, shopping and caregivers are in place. We still get the “crisis du jour” as my husband calls it, but I resolve it now without the angst that I went through before. They are all well cared for, all decisions are now what is easier on me. It took a long time to reach this point. You also need time to grieve for your dad.</p>
<p>Moneymom - it does get better! I found that after my parents were at their continuing care retirement community, they were settled enough that I could let go and cut down on visits. They use express scripts to cut back on pharmacy visits and walk to the grocery store. I also went to their first visits to their new primary care doctor to discuss cutting back on medications. Between the two of them, we were able to cut back on about 11 pills a day between prescriptions and supplements. Doctors don’t typically remove meds if the patient is “doing well.” You have to ask. </p>
<p>Just got home from travel to DH’s dad’s funeral. His death was peaceful. He was never in pain or anxious. We had hospice involved in the past 6 weeks which kept down the carousel of back and forth to the hospital. He was 88 and very content if you just left him alone in bed and didn’t ask him to do anything, including eating. He was lucid and able to respond to questions by a nod or shake of head. DH was there for his last week. </p>
<p>GTalum, I’m sorry for your loss. Mom won’t use the express scripts because she thinks they are too expensive. She just lost her husband, and is in distress over the loss of the home they lived in for 30 years. Her facility has a trip to WalMart or Target about twice a month and all her meals are provided, but she won’t go on the outings because she says she can’t see or handle money so there’s no point in going. I see her at least twice a week. My siblings see her less frequently. And I handle all the bills and business.</p>
<p>moneymom, ExpressScripts is much cheaper for my ongoing meds than the retail pharmacy. I can get 90 day supplies for most stuff, too. My insurance’s pharma structure is to make it so much cheaper to do mail order that you’d only use retail for one-time or emergent meds.</p>
<p>GT, sorry for your loss. Glad your FIL was comfortable and that your H was able to be there with him.</p>
<p>Thanks, I should check that. I misunderstood what you were talking about. The AL center has a pharmacy they like residents to use because they deliver to the AL center, and that’s what’s more expensive. I’ll check what you’re describing.</p>
<p>GTalum, I’m so sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>moneymom, it does get better, but there are things you can do to speed things along. You may want to get in touch with a Senior Move Manager (google it), who will help you especially with all issues related to the house, but can also be very helpful in pointing you toward other resources. One of the big lessons I’ve learned is to farm out as much as I can.</p>
<p>Along those lines, we at first used the local pharmacy because it was cheaper. But as time went on, I began to see the value in letting AL handle it. The extra cost was worth it (to me) to get that chore my plate.</p>
<p>Oh dear, mom is now telling me she thinks the cleaning lady took the bag of beanie babies we found in the attic. If she can’t find something she is immediately accusing this poor woman. She’s fired and hired her several times now. I’m amazed the woman keeps coming back. I even talked to her the other day about how her mom used to think my dad was taking things from her when he’d go to pay her bills and check in on her. </p>
<p>Jumping in here after doing a few pages of reading. My father passed away last March so this has been a real transitional year for my Mother and our family. I wanted to comment about Express Scripts. My father had serious heart and eye problems and used lots of medication. The day after he passed he got something from Express Scripts so I called them to let them know that he had passed and we didn’t want anymore, asked how we could send the stuff we just got back, etc. They were extremely kind and said their policy was to wipe out any current bills and rebate the last months worth of script and we were to just dispose of any pills he had. They put $300 back onto his credit card!</p>
<p>The one thing that we’ve found to be a big problem is that my Dad had so many accounts in just his name that we’re still having to show/fax his death certificate to companies to get things changed over to my Mom’s name. One thing that we just did was to ask her credit card company for another cc in my name. I often buy stuff for her, often heavy things like cat food and kitty litter and then we would keep a running total and she would sometimes write me a check. More often then not, I would just pay for it. This way she can feel more free asking me to get something and we won’t have to bother with the check. </p>