<p>Sorry for what you’re going through. It does sound like your father may very well have to be moved out of assisted living. I would talk to a lawyer, especially one who specializes in elder law. As difficult and unfamiliar as your situation may seem to you, I’m sure a lawyer has experience with it.</p>
<p>Thanks Shellfell, but my sister and I did contact a lawyer last year. Thousands of dollars later and he didn’t have a solution for us. I believe in Oregon, a married couple can separate their assets, and I suppose that will have to happen. My mother is very resentful toward my dad and she won’t want to spend down her savings caring for him. It’s such a mess.</p>
<p>Does your mother have a solution or is she just expecting you to ‘make it all better?’ </p>
<p>Agent99–Have your parents considered divorce? Seriously, this relationship doesn’t seem good for either of them…financially or for their mental/physical health.</p>
<p>Found out my father went in the hospital AGAIN for pneumonia, but they’ve found another problem. The med he has been on for his A-fib the past year has damaged his lungs. Pulmonary fibrosis is irreversible, unfortunately. The med was necessary and the only one that could bring his heart rhythm under control, but still…he is very discouraged at learning this. He has always been positive about his health, working to maintain ability to walk, even with all his problems, on O2, using a walker, etc. but is starting to feel this is the end of the line. </p>
<p>I gather he may have to move from “assisted” living to nursing care. 
I am viewing this at a distance but my brothers are near him. Feel I will visit very soon…thanks for letting me share.</p>
<p>Agent99, I am so sorry for those troubles. I saw the same behavior in one of Mom’s friends at the AL place. He got angry and he (rightfully IMHO) really got angry that the “girls” helped him shower. I don’t have any solutions for you,j ust sympathy. I would NOT be paying any more of Mom’s credit card debt though, not that H would be on board with that. There isn’t any good outcome for doing that really.
My only advice is to make a good friend of the social services people at a near by nursing home or hospital. They have all sorts of info an contacts for help that we don’t. Including lawyers unless they specialize in geriatric patients. Also, maybe try to get a geriatric doctor or psychologist. They might try someting different. Sounds like a mess with your Mom, too. </p>
<p>momannoyed (um, now I forget your real-fake name). I am so sorry about your Dad. When these tough old guys get knocked down, it breaks your heart. My Dad got a hard knock and it seems to just shrivel him up.</p>
<p>{{hugs}} </p>
<p>@bookreader: My mother had a stroke about 4 years ago and has lost the last bit of filter she had, which wasn’t much. Her executive functioning is perfect but she struggles with new concepts. And she has so much resentment towards my dad for unknown reasons that I’m afraid she’ll refuse to separate their assets.</p>
<p>@Momannoyed: I’m sorry to hear about your dad. It’s often a balancing game with these meds. As far as my parents are concerned, yes they should’ve been divorced decades ago, but for some reason my dad stayed and they’ve now been married 71 years! My parents had us later in life and so are quite elderly, Dad is 96, Mom is 91.</p>
<p>@esobay: Just to clarify, I didn’t pay off her credit cards, she is paying them off with her money.</p>
<p>A woman I spoke with yesterday at a skilled nursing facility called me last night. She researched some options for us but at this point I’m thinking we will have to contact another attorney. Still hoping my dad will return to his cooperative self. I do think his behavior was prompted by a drug the doctor insisted on prescribing for him. She assured me it would decrease his anxiety and paranoia and it did the exact opposite. It’s called risperdal and it’s used as an anti-psychiotic. The nurse at assisted living was shocked they’d prescribe such a strong medication. They stopped it in only a week because it clearly wasn’t working for him.</p>
<p>^^ As I was pondering your situation further last night, it occurred to me that this change in behavior (since it was sudden) may be due to a drug interaction and that a trip to the doctor (or a new doctor if the current doc isn’t responsive to your concerns) may be what your dad needs.</p>
<p>Momannoyed, what was the afib drug your dad was taking? My mom had a similar problem, and just had to quit taking the drug, but I don’t remember what it was.
FIL may also have the same problem, I’m not sure. His breathing kept getting worse, and he told DH he had COPD. For a guy who never smoked, couldn’t stand to be on the same planet as smokers, and never worked around chemicals or fumes, that sounded strange. He eventually admitted that the “COPD” was, yes, no kidding, “self-diagnosed.” He went to a doctor and is getting some treatment, but I’m not sure what.
MIL/FIL are somewhat evasive about their medical situations, and their kids don’t press the issue so neither do I. </p>
<p>Agentninetynine, so sorry to hear of your troubles. </p>
<p>My dad was transported to the hospital today, thankfully, and they did indeed diagnose him with a UTI. He’ll stay there a couple of days since he has some edema in his legs from congestive heart failure. The UTI and the risperdal explains so much. </p>
<p>UTI’s and other infections greatly affect the mental status of the elderly. I can always tell when my aunt has either a UTI or that her C-dif is back even before the symptoms due to her increased agitation. Hope your dad gets back on the right track. My mother cannot tolerate risperdal, it increases her symptoms and should be used not be used for dementia in the elderly. I hope you will be able to find a good gerontologist, they are far more familiar with pharmacology for the elderly.</p>
<p>Mommusic here. I think my father is/was on Cordarone. Not sure–they tried several different drugs before they found one that worked, and this was probably the drug of choice even with potential side effects.</p>
<p>COPD is not necessarily caused by exposure to cigarette smoke, btw.</p>
<p>I am always amazed at the number of UTI’s that occur without symptoms. It seems so strange.</p>
<p>I agree with an earlier post that there are wonderful people on this thread, and a great support along with a great place to obtain and share information. </p>
<p>This is not the club anyone wants to belong to regarding all the issues with our declining elderly loved ones (who we love but who may not be capable of loving us back), and the toxic family situations that cannot always be avoided but may have to be taken in smaller doses. Hugs to all in the middle of all the stresses, issues, decisions, complications.</p>
<p>Sometimes various situations (more with H and DDs) have had me feel like life was being sucked out of me - sort of like having both arms out with blood being taken from both arms! I have that mental image as to how I am feeling at that moment, and make sure that feeling does not continue during the day by the decisions I make.</p>
<p>ddahwan, regarding the gorgeous doc at the hospital - when I had major surgery in Dec, my surgeon’s GQ partner was the one making rounds the next day to discharge me 
That was a nice surprise. I almost had the GQ medical oncologist (my surgeon and family practitioner liked him for his competency and his great bedside manner…) but he was out of town that week and with stage III cancer, I immediately got in with his partner (who I had known was equally or even better qualified, and knew him from having worked in the same office tower).</p>
<p>My DH still sometimes does not cope well with my physical limitations, and I am the target to dump blame. The surgeon told me ‘light duty’ for 3 weeks (surgery was 12 days before Christmas, laproscopic but major abdominal, thankfully without complications - had a great surgeon and his partner was assisting in case of complications). A few days before C-mas, my husband told me that I ‘ruined’ C-mas. I was on a liquid diet until Dec 22, and then soft diet - but not able to eat much, so essentially I made C-mas dinner that I could not eat. I pulled out a very small table top C-mas tree (the other 3 family members seemed to want C-mas to magically happen???) I actually had been also taking DD1 and DD2 to various other medical appts (both had more minor surgeries, mole removal off nose with local; other had wisdom teeth out) that had been scheduled prior to my medical condition finally having all the testing completed and the surgery decision. It was an unusual C-mas, but it was what it was.</p>
<p>I do have to comment about thinking about the good for the dementia parent versus telling all; one of my sibling asked me why I did not ‘tell’ my mother about my cancer (my Christmas visit 2009 I had a wig on due to chemo and hair loss, which was 11 months before mom passed; mom could see something was different, but could not string her thoughts together to draw any conclusion). Why give my mother a painful message? There was no up side to ‘telling’. I was smiling and giving mom positive messages. One morning during that visit, after helping mom with her shower, mom asked if I was ‘his cousin’ - I just said no mom (‘his’ was my brother, so her mental faculties were really low at that moment). Thankfully mom was very content; she would become a little concerned about not remembering things, but I said everything was being taken care of and there was nothing to worry about, so just enjoy your home and us. By the way, that same ‘honesty’ sibling decided to ‘share’ my cancer news by sending an email about my cancer with some close overseas relatives - very inappropriate, especially my dear aunt who is a worrier (she was very close to my dad who died from cancer at age 63). I wanted to wait for a turn-around with good news (which did come some months later).</p>
<p>Eyemamom, I hope you and your sis have worked out helpful things for your niece living with you mother. Several have previously posted how having a schedule on a poster (so marking in the times every day when niece wants to schedule various chores around her schedule - like laundry time, clean living room, etc.). Sometimes giving mom a ‘choice’ (“do you want supper started now or do you want me to first water the plants…”) When my H, DDs and I took my mom to DisneyWorld, one day early in the trip, she got very demanding about returning to the room for a nap even though we did very little and she was being pushed around in a wheel chair; I realized the solution was to plan for her and verbally give her a choice - so we would give her two options (that were acceptable to us) and we had no more issues. Between her narcissism and dementia, she was beyond being a reasonable and loving mom and grandma. Boundaries have to be set, but it can be handled in a manner that is more acceptable and hopefully better received.</p>
<p>My docs have always listened to my carotid arteries in the last two years as part of my exam, but 86 YO FIL had some small strokes and his Mayo clinic doc (remote clinic, not Rochester) did not check his. By the time he had a more major stroke and damage that affected his stability (he cannot feel the bottom of his left foot, and relies heavily on a walker). They then did appropriate testing and surgery. The surgeon was surprised that any blood went through, the large fatty mass had his right carotid artery almost entirely occluded. They are watching it now - he might need another surgery (last doppler it was 60% blood flow). So it is helpful for oversight as much as possible. Doctors are human and it doesn’t hurt to ask plenty of questions and be knowledgeable (as much as is possible).</p>
<p>Some people with psych issues resist meds, while others accept meds. My mother (bipolar, although she cycled depression in later years) liked taking meds - but never had any desire for ‘talk therapy’ - like the meds alone were going to fix her ??? In earlier years, her psychiatrist suspected deterioration due to dementia, and had her on Aricept for several years; when mom went into depression (almost catatonic) and needed psych hospitalization, I had them test and confirm the dementia (no need to test for very specific form, as it would not affect her treatment) - and they did tell her, which was difficult for her to accept, but she had the support clinicians there. It helped make my siblings and my mom realize the extent of her decline.</p>
<p>Eso I am glad you finally got rid of unhandy, and sorry about the fire.</p>
<p>One thing to think about when going through parents’ ‘stuff’ - there were a number of people that had been very kind to my mother, and so I would give small trinkets which had meaning to her (be it a religious item like a small statue, something small as to not clutter any one else’s home) - people really enjoy the gift and the story of its’ meaning. My siblings did not want many of the items that were sentimental to me; a few things went to nieces/nephews. I enjoy some of the items in my home. One sibling scanned all the photos so we all have electronically . No one else wanted to store the albums, so they are at my home.</p>
<p>Having some of my parents’ things in my home really has there presence here with me. During many nights of my cancer treatment and recovery journey, I would dream of my parents being upstairs and wake up and realize the here and now - I believe their spirits have been close to be during these times.</p>
<p>I just found out Saturday that a good friend has stage III pancreatic cancer. Today I found out a high school classmate who was going through tough financial times killed himself (our class reunion is in July). Reflect a little about the past, plan a bit about the future, but LIVE and cherish the present.</p>
<p>Happy Valentine’s Day to y’all, especially to caregivers who need a big pat on the back and more for all they do.</p>
<p>I’m not the caregiver as my 90 year old Mum lives in England and I live here in the US - my brother fortunately has really stepped up to the plate and has been wonderful taking care of everything, even sending me detailed monthly reports of her finances which he has control of. We have joint POA, but of course he bears the majority of the burden and the decision making. I feel so helpless being here thousands of miles away. Mum and I have always been so close and I feel almost like I have abandoned her. I hate that her life is ending up so sadly.</p>
<p>Mum has been in a care home since breaking her hip almost 2 years ago. She has never recovered either physically or mentally. I had really hoped that the silver lining to her going into the care home (like most, her one wish was to stay in her home) would be that she might see some companionship and less isolation. Sadly the residents mostly seem to be in their own little worlds even though the care home is wonderful and has a lot of activities. She seems to have withdrawn more and more into herself and her mental status is not good. For instance, when I was there last summer I brought some flowers and said I would put them in her room and she does not think she has a room (this is something she has said to my brother and I often). The home is currently very concerned about her as she is losing weight and does not eat much. One of the carers pulled my brother aside this week and told him to be prepared as she is at risk of a stroke or heart attack because she is so weak. The doctor also told my brother that she gets very weepy and they have her on antidepressants.</p>
<p>Not sure really why I’m posting, feeling kind of weepy right now myself I guess. I’ve been sick and probably having surgery in the next couple of weeks. Scared to death she’ll die before I get a chance to see her one last time, but when one is so far away it is difficult to figure out when to make a visit. </p>
<p>Swimcats, Hugs. I expect you are feeling weepy because you are facing surgery and your mom isn’t there to hold your hand. She will virtually and so will we. Just get better and go as soon as you can.I do think visiting more is worth the costs. Does she talk on the phone? Is there anyone with a tablet or computer that you could Skype her? Face to face makes a huge difference. And kudos to your brother for taking care of the details. I do it for my Mom and I know my brother appreciates it, but sometimes it IS overwhelming. </p>
<p>SOSConcern, WOW you have had a lot of sad news lately. And not a lot of help. Can you ASK for help instead of sucking it up and doing Christmas for example? What would have been the outcome if you didn’t do ANYTHING and just said. Dr’s orders? I’d also probably fall into the snark category and say, If I do this against Dr. orders and die, who is going to decorate then? seriously. Hit the guy with a clue bat! and here is a hug</p>
<p>@SOSconcern: Sorry to hear that your H is having trouble adjusting to your limitations. It’s hard when the glue of the family needs support. Best wishes to you that your family will come around.</p>
<p>@Swimcatsmom: I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. It’s not easy seeing our parents drift away. Weight loss is usually a sign that the body is beginning to give up. Can you visit her as soon as you’re well? I hope you have an easy surgery and fast recovery.</p>
<p>After several days in the hospital, it turns out my dad does not have a UTI. His dementia has increased, most likely helped along by the risperdal. He’s on comfort care only now, meaning his few meds have been stopped. He’s refusing to eat and has only had about 2 ounces of juice since Wednesday. It seems he’ll be under the care of hospice soon.</p>
<p>I always read this thread to keep up with everyone. I have posted a very few times. We are all in a club that we didn’t want to be in, it seems. My Mom is slowly disappearing. I hardly ever see the “real” her anymore at all. She has vascular dementia from strokes and aphasia (can’t hardly talk at all - yes, no, thank you, very minor things). The other day I had a thought for the very first time - If Mom was gone, it would be so much easier for my father. And then I felt so, so guilty. I know that my (our) life with change again with just a phone call. My brother is no help at all. It’s all on my dad and I. My hubby helps, also. Mom really needs to wear Depends, but Dad just won’t make her do it yet. So he cleans up after her and then my husband will go over with the carpet shampooer. I have talked to Dad so many times about this, but he will just not give in. I think it’s just one more thing that will have to happen and he just doesn’t want to admit that she is getting worse and worse. I do understand and I guess he will have to have her wear them when he is ready and sick and tired of cleaning up after her. It doesn’t happen every day and mostly happens in the morning. They have white carpet, btw. Ugh.<br>
Hugs and love to one and all on this thread.</p>
<p>Yesterday, H went over and helped trim the trees at my folks’ house. Dad came out and helped. We had dinner with them and then waited until after mom put on her hearing aids before we left. I told mom she would really need her hearing aid because the voices at the play they were attending are soft and have a British accent. Dad gets exasperated at mom sometimes, but she responds better to calm than his frustration. Was glad I was able to get her to wear her hearing aids. </p>
<p>Personally, I hate carpet. It is tough on those of us with allergies and bad when there are spills. I know it’s nice and soft and warm underfoot, but I prefer wood and vinyl. </p>
<p>@eddieodessa, FIL hates to admit MIL is not doing well. She has been losing memory for years and FIL will literally say, “don’t talk about that, it hurts me” Talk about sticking your head in the sand!</p>