<p>I’m so sorry, Agentninetynine. May your happy memories of your Dad’s long life bring you peace. I’m so glad he didn’t have to suffer through a long illness. It sounds like he knew it was time to go.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss, Agentninetynine. Hugs to you and your family.</p>
<p>Agentninetynine - so sorry for your loss. It is never easy and I don’t think we are ever ready. Find comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain, no longer fighting and in a peaceful place.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss, Agentninetynine. </p>
<p>Agent99, I am sorry for your loss. I hope the coming days have many good memories to carry you along. I hope your family is OK, too.</p>
<p>Prayers and hugs sent your way.</p>
<p>So sorry, agent99. Its been 3 years since I lost my dad and almost 10 since I lost my mom. Hard to fathom.</p>
<p>Agent 99, I’m so sorry. As you say, it’s a blessing that he didn’t linger on and on. From your post last week, it sounds like he was done and ready to go. That’s a blessing too. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Agent99, so sorry for your loss. And to everyone experiencing it - sometimes it’s one day at a time losing someone.
Thank you all for the info on Depends. I bought some and had a private talk with Mom yesterday. She ended up pulling up her nightgown to show me that she had underwear and didn’t need the kind that I brought. I just put the box in her closet and told them where they were.
About feeling guilty - it’s so nice to find others here who feel it too and have such helpful insight.</p>
<p>Very sorry A99. Lost my dad many years ago - prayers and hugs for you at this difficult time.</p>
<p>I am struggling with feeling angry at my hoarder parent who I suppose can’t really help herself. I lugged many bags and boxes of junk (all paper) back from her house last time and sometimes spend my lunch hours sorting into keep and pitch bags. Within a giant plastic container I found checks (written but never mailed), bank statements, investment statements, sweepstakes forms that were filled in with personal information , and then mostly sweepstakes entry forms, envelopes, checks for 2 million dollars (haha love those!) junk mail, donation requests from fake and real charities, church bulletins, old newspapers, etc. After going through another bag of her junk, it’s hard to come home from work and be friendly towards her. She may not have meant for this to happen but it has and I have to deal with it. Ugh.</p>
<p>Agent99- so sorry for your loss. It is always poignant, even when it seems the come has come. Take good care of yourself. </p>
<p>psychmomma- what a burden you have to carry. While hoarding is not a deliberate act directed at you, being angry sure makes sense to me. I know how hard it was to clear out my parents’ house years ago. Even without hoarding issues, 50 years of being in one place combined with the frailties of aging, really meant a lot of time went into sorting things and not knowing treasure from trash at a glance. Overwhelming. </p>
<p>Hugs and condolences for all loses. </p>
<p>DH’s grandfather was happy in his ‘senior’ years. Grandmother died from rheumatic damage to heart causing early death in 1963 (now there are helpful medical interventions). I always knew him smiling and happy. Had a sharp mind and loved playing cards. After GF could no longer live independently, went to local nursing home and was very happy there - could watch the cubs on TV and retired son visited every day, with other regular visitors and friends. Outings with wheelchair. He knew the night he was going to die, as he wanted to sit up longer in chair and nursing staff allowed - died in his sleep that night. What a great attitude. Died at 96. Decline was in part due to hernia surgery and anesthesia wearing him out, but doc thought hernia surgery was necessary.</p>
<p>A friend’s parents were with the mom in great physical shape from neck down, but accelerating dementia. Dad was very sharp minded, but due to several strokes, needed much physical assistance. Dad was very frustrated. He outlived his wife, but the wife had essentially a happy death - she was hospitalized for something - do not remember specifics, but she saw her husband, children and grandchildren before going to bed, then died in her sleep. Dad could afford live in help, so he had a male attendant that also drove him on outings. Dad did accept his situation as best he could.</p>
<p>Here is something that I just learned that might help someone. DH was seeming to have higher than normal blood pressure; my old BP cuff had given out, so I purchased a new one (similar to what is used in doctor’s office). Doctor has had him on two different (separate) medications, one after the other didn’t seem to work. At Monday’s doctor appt Doctor knew something was wrong because the office BP was much lower than home BP (opposite of white coat syndrome!) Well I knew it wasn’t me doing something ‘wrong’, so I took the BP cuff to his office, and it turns out the BP cuff’s calibration was off 10 points (both #s). Doc had a tool to recalibrate. Problem solved. Husband is still on BP med, but numbers are much better! A! an RN for many years I have never heard of this (I have known about really heavy people maybe needing an appropriate sized cuff for more accurate BP). Thought I would share so this ‘problem’ does not go on for someone else!</p>
<p>Also thought I would share there was an article in the paper in Jan “Study: Enjoying life makes older people more capable” written by Mary MacVean, McClatchy-Tribune, Los Angeles. </p>
<p>I guess my post was ‘too long’ The article was based on lead researcher Andrew Steptoe of University College London; 3199 people 60 and older who were part of a long term British study. </p>
<p>The researchers found that enjoyment of life was highest among the youngest, the most educated, the wealthiest and the married.</p>
<p>Although some of your parents have some of these characteristics, they find a way to make themselves (and others) miserable. Perhaps some of the positive things can help you steer (herd cats?) your elderly relatives to better quality of life.</p>
<p>SOSConcern, the same thing just happened to DH with our BP cuff vs. the doctor’s. He is 10 points lower at the doc’s office. OTOH, the cuff is accurate for me. DH is heavy and I think the cuff at home is way too tight.</p>
<p>Agent99, sympathy and comfort headed your way.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the kind words. Dad was 96 years old. He had a very full life and just decided it was time to go. It has helped that we were prepared for his passing. It’s always a jolt but nicer that we had that time. </p>
<p>@psychmomma - my mother is a shop-a-holic and a hoarder. Not reality show level, but she definitely has a problem. It’s a constant struggle to make sure she doesn’t go broke. </p>
<p>Sympathies and blessings to you agentninetynine, It sounds like your dad had a wonderful and long lived life. </p>
<p>Psychmomma, I got so angry at my dad during moving time with all the “junk” that ended up getting moved that he wouldn’t let me throw it away. </p>
<p>Regarding junk, my parents were not at all hoarders, but my dad had one item he collected and it drove Mom crazy, I don’t know why, but she thought it was a dumb item to collect. He was also against moving so was very passive aggressive with not packing much or well. When she directed items to the various locations, she sent his box of collectables to the donation pile!</p>
<p>As soon as my mom can find a place to go we will be selling her place. We all took turns cleaning the place out. My sister called me yesterday to tell me the place is full of crap again. Apparently she’s saving all the grocery store bags too - not in one place, all over. She said the room we cleaned out is now full again. And mom had to go to the er last night - she cut her hand and needed 9 stitches. But she didn’t let my sister or my niece who lives there know where she was - she’s never out late at night. Rightly my niece was a little concerned that no one knew where she was. Mom was annoyed today that she is supposed to check in all the time. I told her to be grateful she has a family that is concerned for her, that’s what family means sometimes.</p>
<p>
Clean rooms make hoarders feel very anxious, as badly as you or I feel to see a messy room. The only way they can dial back their anxiety is to refill the room, and quickly. Maybe that’s why new grocery bags are strewn all over, to calm herself down. It’s an anxiety problem, not a cleaning problem. But of course seeing her in that situation makes YOU feel upset, and we all sympathize here. What makes you feel better (clean, orderly apartment around your Mom) makes her feel worse. </p>
<p>How very frustrating for you, your sister and niece to have your work undone. But keep in mind: You 3 did make progress “cleaning the place out” once, as a deep-clean. Sadly, I think she’ll keep filling it up, at least with surface clutter, until she moves. An orderly environment makes her feel as anxious as it makes you/sister/niece feel good. Anway, here we do understand and sympathize! </p>
<p>So sorry you have to deal with this @eyemamom. It is so frustrating & heartbreaking to see your hard work unravel. My mother has a very serious shopping addiction. She has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on QVC and similar home shopping networks. And at the mall, the grocery store, through catalogs and anywhere else she can drop a dime. Subsequently her 5 bedroom 3 bath home is maxed. But it’s all labeled and organized, which is something I suppose.</p>
<p>My parents moved 12 years ago from their long time home to be closer to Headquarters. That move was unbelievable. My sister and I filled a huge dumpster with food and other crap she’d been squirreling away. She was hysterical; screaming, and pleading for us to stop tossing the exploded cans of food, 40 year old - yes! 40 year old spices, ripped boxes, and other assorted trash. That’s when we realized the extent of her problem. It’s truly a mental illness.</p>