<p>eyeamom, the other posters have pretty much covered what I was going to say. The one thing I’ll add is that AL is an antidote to the physical and social isolation which happens so often with our parents. By the time we moved my parents, they’d gotten to the point where the only people they ever saw were doctors and nurses. Now, they see other people all day long. They see their peers at every meal, and at the parties and activities which are constantly going on. Being around the aides is also helpful; they’re young for the most part, and unfailingly cheerful and encouraging. It’s hard to get too lonely in AL.</p>
<p>My mom, like yours, was a widow who began in Independent Living on a continuous care campus. It’s now years later, and she’s gone up various steps to a full skilled nursing home, but I recall her difficulty deciding to put herself into any kind of institutional setting.</p>
<p>She mentioned often how hard it was to make such an important decision without her lifelong partner to bounce off ideas and give her the confidence. If you were making suggestions and she snapped at you, you were really right to pull back and make it her choice. It sounds like she’s working hard on coming to a decision point. Your Mom also sounds like she’s in chronic physical pain, which further undercuts her confidence on what to do for herself next. I think perhaps your sister needs to get some more information about AL, rather than generalize that they “don’t do much.” It’s not supposed to be a nursing home. They cannot insist on some things under AL that they might press onto a patient in full skilled care nursing homes. They are very different places.</p>
<p>If she’s in that much physical pain, the management of that might be first priority. If she’s in AL but hurts so much she can hardly cross a room, she won’t be up for socializing comfortably either. What does her doctor say about the pain issues? If some social distraction could get her mind off mild pain, great. If she’s buckled over, though, thaat’s a different challenge.</p>
<p>Some folks are in AL because they need help with everyday household, personal and medication management. If there are acute medical or pain management problems, she might need more help than AL. Can you get a professional assessment by a geriatric medicine specialist, or geriartric social worker, just to help sort this out? </p>
<p>ETA: I also heard a lot from my Mom about not wanting to be around other old people, but in actual fact the younger staff in a good AL are going to be more interested in her than your Mom’s current neighbors who run busily off to their own lives. As you tour places, really pay attention to how much staff chats and greets other residents throughout the day. It’s more important than decor!</p>
<p>@paying3tuitions - that was an extremely helpful post to me. Just mentioning the younger staff really hit home to me. I’ll have to bring that one up. I just want her to be comfortable and safe. If I thought staying in a place with 4 flights of stairs was even remotely safe I’d be all for it. The lack of planning she and my dad did is teaching me a lesson on what not to do. </p>
<p>This has been said before, but when checking out CCRCs (continuing care retirement communities) or Assisted Living communities, check out the food! The fantastic food at my parent’s CCRC is probably the primary reason they are as content as they are. Also, look to see how the food service is delivered. My parents go to a sit down restaurant style meal daily. Some in my area are buffet style, with the option of someone bringing you food from the buffet, and seniors tell me they are easily irritated standing in line. Plus, it’s doubtful the food is as good. </p>
<p>If only the prices were more affordable. It varies very much by area, even for limited services. </p>
<p>LF, AL is indeed pricey, but one thing to think about is the expenses they’ll be losing when they leave their home. My parents no longer had to pay for: mortgage, property taxes, homeowners insurance, maintenance & repair, cleaning service, lawn care, pest control, utilities, auto expenses, and groceries. When you add all of that up, the price differential shrinks considerably.</p>
<p>LasMa, my mother is difficult, by nature, plus the age issues. She now lives in a lovely, secure, 2 BR apt in a good area, with 24 hour concierge service (not medical attention or meals, but “someone” and they take personal interest.) Pricey, she’s really at her max, but affordable, for now. The minimal cost of IL with meals, some housekeeping, is much higher, just for a studio apt. (Which she insists she’d never fit all her things in.) I’ve seen quotes from local good AL places and it’s beyond her means, over time. And, she doesn’t want the day to day interaction we all know is a benefit. Doesn’t even want to accommodate to a meal schedule, does want to be near her docs.) In contrast, my grandmother was in IL-plus in AZ and it was very reasonable and delightful to her. so we know how well it can work. (My brother and I used to joke we wished we could live there.)</p>
<p>If I could find a nice place she could afford, I’d push. She called me for thoughts when she was down to the wire on the idea of moving near a cousin in Georgia. He’s 80, came down with a heart issue- and she realized he wouldn’t be the back-up she was counting on. (As if.) She was relieved when I convinced her that renewing her lease here bought her time to decide. Now chilly, because she signed the lease. Can’t win. </p>
<p>I told her there were 3 priorities I’d insist on: needed follow up with one doc (she tends to cancel,) getting her estate plans in order, and starting, one way or another, to clear her mess or allow help. I really suspect, as much as the lease, that’s why she doesn’t want me around. I am too demanding. </p>
<p>Ah, LF, that is rough. But it does sound like she’s in a decent situation for her current needs. Let’s hope that lasts for a good long time. </p>
<p>Ahhh…the finances. sigh When my dad died in '08 he played the market quite a bit and did quite well. He died in an accident so it was completely unexpected. We all told my mom to go sell everything immediately and put it in something safe like a money market. My brother actually took her down to the brokerage house to do it. She didn’t do it, thinking my dad would have held on, and she lost nearly everything. Foolish of him to be doing this in the first place, unfortunate for her she was so stubborn she didn’t want to take advice from any of us. Now we have to face what to do about the finances. And do some soul searching as I ponder how much of my own goals I forgo to financially support her, when other siblings can’t or won’t.</p>
<p>Finances aside, there was a terrible situation in the news today - it happened in a town just 20 miles east of our home; Decatur AL. An elderly couple (75 and 78, not that old…), wife has dementia. Husband died in bed (probably in his sleep). Someone got concerned and the police had to actually break in; H was dead about a month. Two dogs also dead. W admitted to hospital in poor condition. Story on msn.com today.</p>
<p>Another recent story about a woman that was dead in her car in her garage. 5 years! She had automatic house payments out of her account, and after running through over $50 K in payments, they were looking to foreclose. Neighbors thought person moved…</p>
<p>The take I have is look out for your neighbors and make sure someone is checking on your loved ones if they live a distance away - also regularly call. Can always have police do a check in if you cannot reach anyone.</p>
<p>My mother was forgetting to eat. My brother who bought a house two doors down from my mom had to speak very firmly with mom about being compliant if she wanted to stay at home. Got live in help and mom got her desire to stay at home. Mom was not ever combative or dangerous thankfully.</p>
<p>An elderly person’s happiness means not having unsafe clutter or food situations…wow. Glad my MIL and FIL do not have any of those issues.</p>
<p>Hugs to the sandwich generation being strained right now. I am excited for DD’s HS graduation. Have tons to do, so logging off from CC!</p>
<p>I usually post (infrequently) inhere about my MIL, but about 3 weeks ago my dad was hit by a car and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was in the hospital for a week and now a rehab facility. He comes home in a couple of days and I am overwhelmed. They have told us that he will need 24 supervision at the beginning.</p>
<p>He was sharp as a tack before hand, and in good physical shape too. Now he can converse about complicated things in the past, but he is confused about where he is. I am so concerned about how he will react at home. On the one hand, it will be great to be in familiar surroundings. On the other, I am worried he will want to do the things he used to do that are now off-limits: driving, cooking, etc. </p>
<p>His primary past times were reading and writing and his brain is not up to that for now. The rehab gave me the names of some agencies to call for in home care and of course he will continue with PT and OT. But it is overwhelming thinking about bringing in strangers to stay all night with him or to stay with him while my mom goes to the grocery store. I worry that he will be mad or confused about why there are strangers in his house etc.</p>
<p>Anyone have any suggestions on navigating this? thanks!</p>
<p>I’m so sorry, surfcity. </p>
<p>Is there someone at the rehab facility that can help you understand your options? This won’t be the first person they discharge. It would be great if you could sit down with someone for an hour and talk about how to navigate the situation.</p>
<p>Surfcity. I am so sorry. That is a terrible shock. We all think things happen really fast when we have some warning, but given a broken bone or YIKES a car wreck, it is SO fast.
I’d get into social services at the hospital, the rehab people and your local senior services people. The rehab people should have lists. Sometimes they give you a list and sort of wave you off, but if you just stare at the list and ask for more help, it might be forthcoming. </p>
<p>My suggestions for helping navigating are not much help. Only real thing I can offer is to come here and vent as much as needed since that is one thing that helps me. helps me an astonishing amount!
The other is to spread the word to an extent that you DO need help … lawyers, accountants, people who interact with lots of people begin to know people who actually help. That is how I found the ladies that cleaned and sold the contents of Mom’s house. The lawyer knew a lawyer who did it for estates… </p>
<p>surfcity very sorry. Advice is good to keep asking people that other recommended (that would be in the know about agencies, hiring via word of mouth recommendations). People at your church (pastors deal with a lot of injured people with sick visits and hear about who to use and who to avoid). If you see someone else in your circumstance but further down the road that can help you navigate.</p>
<p>Read up what you can, maybe there are support groups too. There are traumatic brain organizations that have info and resources, advice.</p>
<p>Be as prepared as possible for the worst, and hope for the best. Try to keep trouble-shooting and trying to anticipate situations so things go as smooth as possible.</p>
<p>Thank you - the rehab did give me some agencies to call, so I did that and that was helpful. (Oddly enough, I was not the first person they ever talked to whose parent had a TBI and didn’t know what to do 
)</p>
<p>One of them will be assessing him tomorrow and then we will go from there. I don’t like the unknown. At the rehab, he is confused about where he is because he looks fine physically. This would be easier in some ways if he had a broken arm as a reference point. But he sometimes thinks he is back at his old job and asks questions about why his employer wants to “train” him on the treadmill, etc. It’s comical if I don’t think too hard about it.</p>
<p>So my fear is at home he may want to do some things that are now off limits. And we can’t have him getting up by himself at night for fear of falling. In the rehab his bed has an alarm. That is why I want another set of hands for my mom at night, so she can sleep and not worry about him.</p>
<p>And yes, it is amazing how many connections one has. I had posted some stories about the accident on my FB page and lo and behold found neighbors and school moms who have worked as trauma nurses or OTs etc and gave me a lot of good info.</p>
<p>I do think I will be here regularly to post and vent too :)</p>
<p>surfcity - I’m so sorry to hear about this. It must be really hard for all of you. How is your mom’s health? Is she holding up okay? I really have no advice, but I’m glad to hear people around you can step in and help. Do you have any siblings around?</p>
<p>Also very sorry. My MIL lived with us for a short period, had mild dementia. When she needed in-home help, we introduced them as friends of ours. It made just enough sense to her, why they were there and offering her a hand. </p>
<p>Yes, others I have known who needed some in-home help also introduced the help as “friends,” so they were accepted much more easily by everyone than “strangers” or “paid help.” If there is a medical social worker, finding helpful solutions with patients transitioning to home is one of their specialties. Please find any that are available and speak with them. They can cover a lot in a short time and may be families with services in your parent’s area.</p>
<p>My friend’s grandmother is over 100 years old and can’t be trusted to not get out of bed and wander around at night. She hires someone to sleep over at least two nights a week, so that at least on those two nights she can be sure to get sound sleep. She otherwise wakes any time her grandma gets up so grandma won’t fall when trying to get out of bed. I know others who have also hired folks to watch over loved ones while they sleep, so they won’t fall.</p>
<p>And the helper doesnt need to be in the same room- a good baby monitor can alert them- or a sensor that only rings near the caregiver. </p>
<p>There are small alarms that are placed on the floor next to the bed that will go off when someone/something passes in front of them. That would certainly alert somebody else in the home if your father had gotten up. I’ve never had to buy one, so I can’t help with where to find one, but I’ve seen them in use.</p>