<p>Sigh! Finally got my folks to throw out THREE of the awful, spoiled things in their fridge. One of them is from April last year. Another is probably at least a year old and no one knows how old the 3rd thing was. Mom just says, “we never eat anything from that fridge.” Meanwhile, they have two refrigerators and a freezer full of JUNK that is probably toxic because the food is so old! It is also increasing their electric bill, which is above the photovoltaic panel capacity on their roof!</p>
<p>The scary thing was we told dad that one of the drinks in the fridge was bulging and likely to burst because it was so old. Dad took a clean pitcher and decided transfer the drink from the bulging container to a clean pitcher and put it BACK IN THE FRIDGE! H had to go out and show him the black mold on the container and show him the pull date (last April)! REALLY Scary!</p>
<p>I have decided that people above a certain age don’t really understand the germ theory and tend to believe in magical folk cures. They also don’t really understand electronics and hold magical beliefs about them as well.</p>
<p>My father’s funeral: All the grandchildren will be in from out of town (except the one out of the country) and the 6 boys have been asked to be pall bearers. </p>
<p>It’s nice when everyone gets together, even for a sad occasion.</p>
<p>mommusic, hope your DS looked snappy in his new blazer although a sad first place to wear one. Hoping freinds and family gathered gave comfort.</p>
<p>It is the little things that make my heart crack lately. It took a long while to get Mom settled in AL, she seems pretty content finally. She is drifting very slowly down a bit, losing more names of grandkids sort of thing. (Of course, she hasn’t seen them since Christmas). But it was another crack yesterday. She had not answered her cell phone for 2 days. So as standard practice, I call the front desk and ask them to check that it is charged and if the volume is up enough to have her hear it ring. A few minutes later, the front desk lady put her on their lobby phone. And Mom said “they” had stolen her purse with her phone and all her money and ID. She was upset. And it had been gone for three days (not true because I’d talked to her 3 days ago, I call every day). I talked her down, told her the places it was normally hidden and I’d send someone to look for it for her. And then called the nurse and explained where to find it, but the nurse wasn’t there. So called the front desk to say that Mom’s phone was in her purse and it would ring if called. So she went down and found Mom’s purse just really quickly. Mom called SO relieved. (She had hung it up UNDER her coat and forgotten). The part that makes my heart crack is that I think Mom had reported her purse stolen the day before to the other front desk person who is not kind. She is impatient with Mom because Mom asks the same thing all the time. Mom wouldn’t ask anyone to come help her look for it, but surely the desk lady could have offered. Mom had an entire day of feeling super lost. And it could have been easily solved with a little more compassion from ONE person. Mom wouldn’t tell anyone else because she doesn’t want to seem weak to her friends.
I am debating getting a landline in her apartment instead of the cell phone. But the cell phone is kind of a security blanket for her. AND we wouldn’t be able to use it to find hidden purses (Once she had put it in the dryer… but she doesn’t have a drier in this apartment). She could have both, but we are on a thin line for her being able to afford to stay there so I didn’t want the additional expense. And looking at her cell phone records I can see if she talks to anyone else ever. (not too often, although bro is pretty good about 2x a week).
She is losing the value of money, too. She only has access to cash that I send her in letters or $150 which is kept at the “bank” at the front desk. She spends it on MORE toothpaste (4 boxes last time I was there) and getting her hair done every other week , which I told the hairdresser to do so that Mom gets her hair washed at lest that often. Well, anyway, my niece is having a baby shower so I have been talking to Mom about what to get for the gift. And Mom said she wanted to possibly send a big amount of money … like $35 or $40. She would have given $1000 I believe before. Just that she thought $40 was a lot of money when back in the day, Mom handled $100’s of thousands of transactions with no problem. </p>
<p>While I was cleaning and de-cluttering (LOL) I came across the Jan 2013 Consumer Reports that has a 5 page article “Protecting Mom and Dad’s Money” (subtitled What to do when you suspect financial abuse). It says theft and fraud by loved ones is on the rise. Unreported crimes, caregivers and freeloaders, etc. Breach of trust (one guy pictured had to fight back when he says his relatives tried to evict him from his home). List of warning signs. List of info and help including web sites and phone numbers. Prevent financial problems by planning ahead.</p>
<p>Key here is to continually think ahead for your parents/grandparents, as well as structuring things for yourself. If you have a ne’er-do-well relative that may be swindling another relative or freeloading and continually pushing the boundary.</p>
<p>If I had the digital Consumer Reports I could maybe provide the link. I am a print version kind of person. Your public library may have a copy.</p>
<p>SOSConcern, thanks for the tip(s). It sure was a hassle getting rid of Mom’s freeloader. </p>
<p>And I can see it can be a slippery slope for some people . I charged Mom some new clothes. Used my charge card because I was too lazy to go get hers (mine for her account) . (I know my charge card # so don’t have to stir ordering on-line). Then I got the cash to pay myself back. So if you do that very often, and “forget” that you paid yourself back a couple of times … there you go. I decided that I would use her card for her stuff more strictly from now on. Just for clarity. And not to hear my DH wonder why I have been charging stuff he doesn’t see and him grrr-ing because it was for her. But it is a better practice finance wise to keep it all separated. And I don’t live with her. Co-mingling household expenses, and payment for caregiving can be a real black hole. </p>
<p>Keeping receipts and a file of things you buy for folks with their money is good practice, just to help keep it clear in YOUR mind as well as being able to account to any other heirs and possibly Medicaid in the future. It isn’t that much more complicated to use THEIR credit card and THEIR checking account instead of your own. It just takes a bit more discipline. </p>
<p>I am finally getting better about using only the charge card and checking account of my nonprofit for its expenses instead of always using my personal funds. I keep the checkbook and credit card in a different place so I am better able to keep things straight. Makes the book keeper MUCH happier when the records are cleaner.</p>
<p>Two weeks ago FIL hit and went over a curb he did not see, then crashed into a pillar in a parking garage, also did not see. He told everyone he was done driving.</p>
<p>Tonight he told BIL that he feels better and is driving again. This stubborn selfish old fool has a live in who can drive him anywhere. We are checking into asking his doctor to report him and also how we might report him to get hsi driver’s license pulled!</p>
<p>@somemom - this license part is so difficult. Well it’s all difficult. I feel like I’m in a middle of a production of The Emperor Has No Clothes. </p>
<p>Somemom- that is the hardest thing as it is the most dangerous. If driving continues, it is a burden for all who know it should not. Any chance the live-in could disable the car or lose the keys? Not usually so black and white, but I am aware of many whose lives have been altered by similar circumstances. Best with this. Sometimes DMVs or local police have could offer you options for dealing with this also. You just want to buy time until it is permanently resolved. </p>
<p>Do I sound like someone who narrowly avoided being T boned by a friend’s aging in-laws on Christmas Eve with a frail elder in my car as well? Perilous and family did not address the problem until there were accidents. </p>
<p>Eyeamom- well put. I think many here are cast mates!</p>
<p>My H is having a tough time with his parents. I just finished this book. I also sent it to my sister in law. My husband is reading it too. This book made me feel that our family is not alone in this struggle, and also gave some good ideas for communication.</p>
<p>Coping with your difficult older parent: a guide for stressed out children, by Grace Lebow.</p>
<p>Somemom -five weeks ago an 86 year old driver lost control of her car shifting from reverse to drive in a parking lot. She hit my dad and his car, causing $10,000 in damage to the car and immeasurable damage to my dad. He spent four weeks in the hospital and continues to have rehab at home. </p>
<p>He will never drive again and probably can never be left alone. Before this he was independent, read three newspapers a day and was writing his fifth book. Now he struggles to stay awake and do elementary jigsaw puzzles. </p>
<p>PLEASE do whatever it takes to keep unsafe drivers off the road. I am surprised your FIL was not required to retest after his accident. </p>
<p>On another parental note, I am definitely getting that book Bernese mentioned. Looks perfect for us as we deal with my MIL. </p>