<p>Thank you puzzled88 for sharing that Roz Chast New Yorker link. I know many on this thread can relate!</p>
<p>BerneseMtnMom the book sounds like a great source of info and helpful tips. Fortunately my MIL and FIL are managing pretty well and have worked through accepting their limitations. My parents unfortunately did not live as full a life as we would have wished; father died at 63 and only had a little bit of semi-retirement enjoyment; mother had dementia and brother was fantastic in helping her up to her death.</p>
<p>In this thread there is info on how various families got the keys, license or auto pulled.</p>
<p>My siblings and the community worked to get my mother from getting another driver’s license (she voluntarily forfeited after a very bad accident). The state finally said ‘no’ and her personal lawyer said nothing more could be done.</p>
<p>Hi all, I have been absent from this thread for a while and just read the last month or so.</p>
<p>My daughter is a high school senior (still waiting to hear from her 2 fave schools, argh!). My dad (91) and stepmother (almost 93) live about an hour away from us in Brooklyn, NYC in their house in the burbs (originally her house when they married 29 years ago). My stepmother is pretty far into dementia and more so all the time although physically pretty healthy My dad is in pretty good shape considering his age and orthopedic issues–not bad for an old guy–but kind of fading and getting more forgetful these days. They have a live-in aide through an agency who is wonderful.</p>
<p>My dad feels a very strong obligation to take care of his wife. He says she saved him after my mom died after a long, debilitating illness. Her son doesn’t really like her very much and started telling my dad to put her into an institution years ago. She has considerable assets, enough that it’s unlikely she could spend them down to qualify for Medicaid, and it’s probably cheaper to pay for the aide with her money so they can stay home. Her son lives far, far away and I am the only child of either of them who is close enough and capable to help and I go there a couple of times a week to take him shopping for food since he does all the cooking for them so he isn’t tempted to drive (my empathy, somemom). And of course as he is less capable, I take care of everything else. I am the single parent of a single child, dreading the empty nest.</p>
<p>Anyway, my stepmother has become increasingly angry and agitated. She’s at the stage where she talks real words but doesn’t seem to be able to finish a thought. She was ranting incomprehensibly and the aide told me that my stepmother tried to bite her. So I guess it’s time for a visit to the gerontologist and ask about meds. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>16 months ago, a few weeks after my dad had surgery on his vertebrae but before they had live-in help, they lost power for two weeks post-Hurricane Sandy. I brought them to our small walk-up apartment in Brooklyn, and my daughter had to stay with friends (no school anyway because the subways were down). It was the hardest thing I ever did and I really thought I would have a psychotic break. And for weeks after I brought them home, I couldn’t concentrate or relax. I started seeing a wonderful therapist and I am so, so grateful. She has really transformed my life. I had had therapy before but my last experience was not great and I delayed finding someone because I needed immediate help and I couldn’t see starting blah-blah-blah-ing with someone new only to find that I was wasting time and money. But this woman has saved me, and I strongly recommend looking for a great therapist to anyone feeling totally stressed out. Caring for my dad and stepmother really brought out a lot of emotional baggage for me–Dr. Freud Never Sleeps–and I feel so much better now. And if you start seeing someone who isn’t working for you, look for someone else.</p>
<p>Sorry so long!</p>
<p>Surf, we only know about the accident because BIL was there for a visit and the damage could not be hidden. FIL hides anything from us that could make him appear weak. He did not report the accident as it did not invove other cars or people and the car was drivable 
He called to say he was giving up driving. But last night BIL called and the caregiver said something in the background about him driving again. So, he is feeling better and hiding things again. We are working on getting him reported to the DMV now since he won’t listen to us</p>
<p>Just read the cartoon. Now do I laugh or cry?!</p>
<p>@bookreader, me, too.</p>
<p>@somemon, I agree, you need to get the keys away. Having NO LICENSE isn’t enough since my mom convinced herself that she had a temporary license AND continued to drive. ( and lied to me about it since I wasn’t in town). We sold the car (after getting guardianship) long after I’d turned her into DMV for inability to drive safely. I was worried about the kids on the street if she lost control. </p>
<p>@Oldmom4, I am sort of sorry to just say “there are drugs for that” re biting. I really really hate the thought of unloading a person’s self by drugs. Then I comfort myself that SHE isn’t the person who is bitting, either!
This is a long hard journey. So different with the long hard journey of raising kids because you have hope at the end that they turn out OK. In this case OK has a whole different meaning and expectation. </p>
<p>@surfcity, I am so sorry for you and your Dad. That is exactly why I fought to get the car away from Mom.</p>
<p>I think Oldmom really distills the essence of the advice from the elder care psychologists. We were trying to figure out a way for MIL to talk to a priest, a trusted friend, anyone, who could get her to approach decisions and conversations with compassion relative to our FIL. The book I mention says the elder (with difficult personalities) will refuse to change and the CHILDREN need to seek therapy to accept their parents they way they are. I do not know how this will play out in our family, but I know the book will help move the discussion between the siblings in a more positive path. Hugs to you, Oldmom. We all might be right behind you.</p>
<p>I am thankful every day that I took the keys away from Mom. She has let up a little on anger about the restriction- I think the remembering less is helping. I ordered the book tonight that Bernese mentioned. </p>
<p>I’m glad some of you responded to the Chast cartoon as I did. I recognized myself and my parents in several of the panels and I think some of her experiences were universal. Somewhat ironically, it was only this year that I stopped gifting my mother a subscription to the New Yorker. I’m pretty sure it would make her mad if I showed her the cartoon. She is very angry about a recent diagnosis of early stage dementia, insists on continuing to drive and refuses to consider any arrangements for the future. My father would enjoy the humor but the end is just too heartbreaking. Since posting I’ve learned that the part in the New Yorker was just an excerpt of a book that will be published later this year.</p>
<p>I just looked at the Chast cartoon. So so true. :/</p>
<p>I really appreciated the Chast cartoon. It could only have been done by someone who’s been there.</p>
<p>@Surfcity - I’m sorry to hear about your dad. An accident like that can really set back an elderly person.
@somemom - I’ve been there. It’s not as easy to take away the keys or the car when you don’t have power of attorney.</p>
<p>After my mother’s stroke, she was terribly impatient to drive. We initially took her keys away but she became so abusive to my dad that he begged us to return them, which we did with her promise she wouldn’t drive. </p>
<p>She also called all of her friends and told everyone in our small town, including the woman who cuts her hair, the lady at the post office, everyone at the senior center that we weren’t taking care of her, they had no food in the house, we were keeping her from driving even though the doctor told her she could - a flat out lie. Thank god, my dad and her home health nurses and occupational therapists confirmed to outsiders that this was all a crock. Much of her desire to drive was so she could shop. And as I’ve mentioned before, she’s a compulsive shopper and it was at this time my sister and I discovered she had racked up over $50K in credit card debt. </p>
<p>After we had returned the keys, the neighbor told us she was driving so we demanded them back. She “lost” them. Max disabled her car one time, but she managed to get a different neighbor to come over and fix it. It was a nightmare. Finally, she was pulled over for speeding, cited for driving with a suspended license and held by the police until I arrived. I had to take her to court, where she went before very nice judge who should’ve not been so nice. </p>
<p>Today’s her 92 birthday and she is no longer driving. That I’m aware, anyway. </p>
<p>Well, I’m not exactly ‘caring’ for my folks in that they live in their own home independently, but I am happy and proud that H & I and dad were able to get mom to go to the ONE shoe store in town (Nordstrom’s) that agreed to order a size narrow shoe for mom and size her feet for her. She was willing for us to buy her two pairs of shoes and order two more in two different sizes as well as ordering 7 pairs from Zappos, in the hope that SOME will fit her properly. All her life, she has worn ill-fitting shoes. Now that she’s older, it compromises how she walks and causes her to injure her feet and risk falling. We told her she HAS to buy comfortable walking shoes because we"re going traveling with her and need for her to be able to walk far distances with the rest of us with no blisters, comfortably and safely.</p>
<p>She protested a few times, especially since some of the shoes were pretty expensive, but finally agreed to go along with the purchases. After she takes the shoes home and tries them on, we told her we can return those that don’t fit as well and keep some. I think she’ll be pleasantly surprised at how nice it is to have shoes that are truly comfortable, especially since dad enjoys walking briskly and she can’t keep up in ill-fitting shoes.</p>
<p>Several times in recent memory, her shoes have fallen apart while we were walking and she had to discard them! The pairs of shoes she has worn over the past two evenings have given her a painful blister that is raw and bleeding now! She could only try on one side of the shoes today, but we told her we’d purchase the shoes so she can bring them home and try them on in the comfort of her house and decide which ones she will keep and which ones to return.</p>
<p>My dad seemed so relieved, as he has been so frustrated by her never getting footwear that fits (it is hard–I could only find ONE store in our island that had ANY shoes in her size and would order more as needed). Am crossing my fingers that she will see the difference in wearing more comfortable, better-fitting shoes and will give up all the others that increase her risk for blisters and tripping and falling!</p>
<p>My aunt in Switzerland has very narrow feet, and at the time (as a teenager) she was needing some shoes for church/dress up, and the only ones that properly fit were Bally. My dad (older and favorite brother) said of course those are the ones to be purchased. Can’t expect her to have ill-fitting shoes. Good for you HImom helping facilitate proper shoes for your mom over the obstacles…</p>
<p>It is pretty sad how uncomfortable many women’ls shoes are and how little support they provide. Since she mainly wears long slaacks, we hope to have her realize how very comfortable GOOD, well-fitting walking shoes are and wear them pretty much all the time instead of “fashionable: shoes” that she buys at discount stores due to low prices and that they “sort of fit.”</p>
<p>Am going to try to get her several pairs of socks, so she can decide which style she likes best and then order her many pairs, since her socks are all in very poor shape as well. I told her if she has GOOD socks and properly fitting shoes, she can happily walk much longer and keep up with everyone. Happily, my favorite brand of socks, Thorlo, is offering a new pair of socks for just paying shipping as an into offer. I will get several different styles so she can try them and decide which are best. One pair per household.</p>
<p>does any one have any really good timelines for the stages of alzheimers?</p>
<p>Himom - that sounds like such an accomplishment! Hope she sees the difference and enjoys her new shoes. My mom can’t be talked into new shoes-yet. She used to buy shoes at her church rummage sale and stuff the toes with newspapers. Now she mostly wears slippers but crams her feet in her old tight shoes when we go out- and she insists they fit fine. I’m still working on my strategy for this eventual showdown.</p>
<p>We are emphasizing that she needs to be able to do a lot of walking when we travel with her this June and need her to find GOOD and comfortable walking shoes. We are hoping she will just keep wearing the shoes after the trip, when she can feel the difference. We are also hoping it will improve her gait, since she hobbles along in her poorly fitting footwear. If she and dad won’t buy the shoes, it will be our gift to her–we really think it has the potential to make a huge difference.</p>
<p>Since she only wears LONG attire, I think she could wear any comfortable footwear with any of it. We will go back to Nordstrom’s on Saturday to pick up her new footwear and see if they have some new and comfortable styles for their spring collection that they can order in her size.</p>
<p>My grandmother was like a new woman when she finally got proper everyday shoes. Kept raving. Best of luck with this. </p>
<p>rockymtnhigh- check out <a href=“Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementias | National Institute on Aging”>http://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers</a>. Also <a href=“http://alz.org/”>500; has local chapters and typically has counselors who can offer individual help. Both sites have a lot of very good information. Unfortunately, there is no “average” when it comes to timelines for Alzheimer’s, although there are distinct stages. Much of it depends on the age of onset as well as many other factors, and it can vary greatly.</p>