<p>My mom hid her condition for a long time. She was bi-polar before the Alzheimer’s (probably bordering manic when I was in high school when she was early 40’s and high on successful businessman’s wife with lots of social engagements); later in life she just cycled depression and was on heavy meds with treatment from her late 50’s. She was always one to have the meds take care of her ‘condition’ - never tried to improve with talk therapy. I think the heavy meds sped up her decline, but it was still stretched out. When psychiatrist suspected the dementia, she put mom on memory medication, maybe 3 years before she died - then during a subsequent hospitalization for severe depression, I asked for dementia testing and they confirmed the DX. Mom passed away at age 78. BIL’s mother was not knowing anyone in a nursing home for 12 years. Big range. My mom had a strong will to remain in her own home, and that indeed did happen with my brother’s help and hospice at the very end (just days under hospice after 4 day hospitalization with IV meds for what they thought was a gall bladder infection).</p>
<p>The other issue is that dementia can be mixed with a vascular component which really make the time line unclear.</p>
<p>My sister is convinced my mom was discriminated against. She wanted to rent an apartment in an over 55 place. First they said her financials weren’t strong enough, which I thought was bogus, so I co-signed. They still said it wasn’t enough so we offered to put up a year’s rent and it was still said it wasn’t a strong enough offer - lol. My credit is in the mid-700’s and my income is plenty high enough. One of my mom’s friends lived there and she told my mom, they really don’t want people like you moving in, and bringing in an aid, they want vibrant over 55’s. My sister just called, and that same apartment is still available for rent. My mom really wants to be in that building so since she is over 55 she’s considering renting it herself, then just having my mom live there. </p>
<p>Eyemamom, just offering this- my grandmother lived into her mid-90’s and though I sometimes slip and call it AL, it was senior IL. She was active, not really needy til the final 6 months (by then she’d been there 5+ years.) The residence itself was completely unable to offer any sort of medical oversight- no nurse, no CNAs, no one qualified to assess anything, read a medical record, consult with a doc office, or even have a chat about some symptom. Have any sort of issue and all they could do was call an ambulance. (Legally, they were constrained, since they were untrained. They were very nice, but also concerned about their own liability.) More like a dorm with activities and meals, bus rides to the CVS or local medical appts, occasional day trips. It was right for “active seniors.” That was its attraction. The seniors liked knowing they were active together. It’s a tough decision.</p>
<p>I actually think we could file a case with HUD. I’m looking into it right now. At the very least they’ll be made to squirm. She was actually waiting for another unit to become available there, but I believe she’s actually been blackballed and one will never be available to her. </p>
<p>Eyeamom, not that what they’re doing is right, and from what you say it sounds like age discrimination which I think is illegal – but if it’s a community of active 55-60 year olds, will your mom be comfortable there?</p>
<p>She is kind of oblivious. God love her, she looks 10 years older than 79, but she thinks she’s about 20 years younger. We aren’t certain if it’s the individual owner, the real estate agency, or the overall building owner/manager in this case. And no, we wouldn’t dream of doing anything if she really thought she would move in there. She’s waiting for another one to come up for rent, but meanwhile the rest of us think it’s time to move onto another plan. But, it’s an awfully crappy thing to do. One of her friends said a woman who worked there made a comment to her that they didn’t want my mom there bringing an aid around with her. My mom never mentioned an aid, doesn’t have an aid, etc. But the friend lives there and I highly doubt she’d actually want to be involved, and my mom would never drag someone into something. My sister is going to call hud just to ask what kind of evidence would be needed to bring a case or prove the case. </p>
<p>Funny how some seniors really struggle to see themselves as old or will do anything to fight that perception/ FIL is in his 90s and does not want to use a walker because he does not want to look old…um, yeah, well, you look 90+ so the walker won’t change that!</p>
<p>Yea, like not wanting to wear a hearing aid and appear old, thereby not being able to hear and continually mishearing or not hearing everyone around. Ahhh, growing old is NOT for sissies!</p>
<p>It’s so hard for them to accept the “new normal” whether it’s a hearing aid, cane, walker, or whatever. On the other hand, it’s that fighting spirit that gets them out of bed every day.</p>
<p>My 91-year-old dad lives with my 92-year-old stepmother and her aide–she’s pretty far down the road with dementia. He’s not in bad shape for a 91-year-old (well, at least until this week) and does the cooking for them. I go there once or twice a week to take him food shopping. </p>
<p>She had trouble breathing last Friday and the aide called 911 and she wound up in the emergency room at the nearest hospital (not the one where their doctors practice, unfortunately). It turned out that she had pneumonia and they sent her home with antibiotics and she’s fine. </p>
<p>But when we took her to the doctor to follow up on Wednesday, I could see that my dad wasn’t himself. He kept going back to sleep. I was planning to go there today anyway, but last night the aide called me when he fell in the bathroom. I went there yesterday (1-hour drive, longer because it was evening rush hour). We got him up and back to bed and I gambled that I could wait until morning since it would be much easier at the big-city hospital where his doctors practice. Alas I was wrong and he fell again at 11. At the hospital they said he had a fever (maybe the flu?) and an arrhthmia. He was admitted at 2 and I was home by 3, up at 6:30 to take my high school senior daughter to school since I had to move the car anyway (NYC problem; we live in gentrifying Brooklyn, where it used to be really easy to park but no longer). I will definitely need a nap before I go back!</p>
<p>It really hit me how old he is when the doctor asked me if his status would be “do not resuscitate.” This is hardly his first hospitalization and I have been asked that question many times before but this time it registered. I suspect he’ll be ok once they fix his arrhythmia (he had atrial fibrillation 2x before and it resolved quickly with meds) and the fever goes down. But he’s 91 and I guess I have to be realistic. At least he didn’t break anything when he fell.</p>
<p>My 89-year-old MIL has been widowed 8 years, still lives alone in her condo, has beginning dementia, and is rapidly failing physically. She has a great deal of trouble getting up out of a chair and out of bed and should be using her walker all the time, but doesn’t. She has had some falls and near falls in the last 6 months. MIL wants to stay in her home and isn’t comfortable with caregivers coming into her home so the family hasn’t initiated that yet. There are 8 children, 7 of whom live in the same city as MIL, and they all seem content to let her take the “big fall” to force the issue of in-home care or moving MIL. This plan is just killing me, and I have expressed my concern to my husband - why wait until MIL has a serious fall and may suffer and be forced to leave her home under those circumstances. As a DIL, I don’t feel there is much more that I can do. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>After I had to make the difficult decision to let my mother die in peace last year after a brief illness, I was able to get DH and his siblings to meet with MIL so she could state her end of life wishes. Now, if they will only honor her wishes if/when presented with the situation.</p>
<p>My dad will be 90 this year and mom is 5 years younger. He is still working, mostly because he still enjoys it and it gives him a reason to get up in the morning. </p>
<p>Both golf several times a week and dine out frequently. They are still living independently in their own home but have signed up for the waiting list at the retirement community near their home, where many of their golf buddies live. </p>
<p>We count our blessings that both are as healthy, alert and active as they are. We see them many times a week and try to drive them at night whenever possible. </p>
<p>One thing I have noticed with my in laws, DH has driven himself crazy trying to ‘help’ with offers & suggestions and even physical labor. The in laws don’t want the help. They want to stay where they are, they don’t want to move to AL, they have caregivers & each incremental increase in caregiver time is up to them, they will NOT listen to any of us.</p>
<p>I finally let go of it because they are happy where they are. One bad thing happened, FIL dropped MIL and she broke her ankle so badly she almost lost her foot. I don’t know if he connects the consequences with his refusal to accept help, everyone else does! But still, he is a stubborn old man and refuses to change so I stopped trying to ‘improve’ their lives based on my definition.</p>
<p>But just like that awkward time between being mentally okay and mentally NOT there is a spooky middle ground wherein a senior can make serious financial decisions, in the same vein a person can lose their ability to make good decisions about their everyday life, but how do you interfere if they are not bad off enough that you can get conservatorship?</p>
<p>FIL hides every bad thing that happens, falls, car ‘incidents’ etc., if others did not tattle we would never hear any of it!</p>
<p>Scary, somemom. Hope they stay safe and am sorry for your tough situation. </p>
<p>Went to Nordstrom with H and mom. We got her to try on 5 pairs of shoes, with two different pairs of socks and figure out what she wants. She settled on two pairs that fit her properly! I’m overjoyed! Also got her to keep two brand new pairs of Thorlo socks–walking and dress pairs, so she can see the difference in them and decide what she prefers. </p>
<p>7 more pairs of shoes have been shipped by Zappos and should be arriving very soon, so she will have even more properly fitting shoes (whittling down to the best fitting ones). </p>
<p>@cincy gal, I hear you! My MIL is the same way, without the dementia (at least, to our knowledge). She stubbornly thinks that is she stays in her big, 2 story home with no help she can magically appear more capable than she is. She is on oxygen 24/7 and has gas appliances but decided to cook with the O2 on or take it off for “just a minute” and then wonder why she is tired and short of breath.</p>
<p>My H and I have had many discussions about this. I feel it is selfish because we are always waiting for the terrible phone call that she has fallen or something. Right now we have to say that we are letting her live her life the way she wants, even if she is endangering herself. Short of physically restraining her and removing her from the house, what can we do? We are also worried that people/neighbors think us kids are “ignoring” her and not taking care of her. They don’t know the whole story.</p>
<p>I wish I had some advice for you but all I have is empathy.</p>
<p>I’m going to try and have my mom come stay with me for a few weeks. We’re all just in a huge quandary, she can’t stay where she is due to all the stairs and the sheer size of her place, but she has such huge mobility issues that all the assisted living places are way too spread out for practical living. I actually have the ideal home for her - we have an inlaw suite, no stairs on our first floor, a heated pool and hot tub that she loves. It could even have a wheelchair with all the wide doors. And don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and really feel for this situation, but I just don’t think living here would be right for me and my husband. But I also think it would be hard on her to completely lose contact with people like she would living here. </p>
<p>Eyemamom, does your pool have a handrail or other help for getting in and out? (Selfish question, we are looking to add one)
But I really hear you about living with you would cut off her contact with people. My parents do so much more at their winter rental in a senior place. </p>
<p>Maybe you get an aide to take over some of the effort for you or drive her places? </p>