<p>@dragonmom - no the pool doesn’t have a handrail. But the pool is kidney shaped and she can hold on to the side as she gets in, or I hold her arm. Not perfectly ideal, but I’m not fixing it for this visit either. </p>
<p>Two BILs and girlfriend helped their parents clean and declutter a little - had a yard sale and charity pick up what was left. Cleaned out closets, BIL washed down walls. They can come over to my house next except we are many states away!</p>
<p>eyemamom, just a thought about mobility in assisted living - my MIL used an electric scooter to get to the dining room and a walker around her apartment.</p>
<p>Eyemamom - your set up sounds great. Can I move in? :)</p>
<p>@agentninetynine - if you want to help my mom, you’re free to snuggle in with her. 
Okay, I’m over my guilt thinking she needs to move in. She is coming for several weeks and it’s sad, touching and a host of other emotions how happy and relieved she is about coming here. But I know it would quickly turn to resentment from me if she lived here full time.</p>
<p>The funny thing is - I’m in the orthopedic business, I have everything under the sun. Using it is another story.</p>
<p>I only check in to this forum on occasion. It is slightly comforting to know other people are actually going through similar situations. My father has alzheimers. He still knows what’s going on half of the time. My mother who is getting forgetful herself totally resents what is happening and blames him for everything. They will not agree to any help in the house. They will not move to be closer to me or my sibling, and they fight constantly. I am pretty much at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. Forgetting about moving them, how do you insist on having someone come in to their house a few hours a day?</p>
<p>eyemamom, good luck with the visit. I am happy she is looking forward to coming out. My mom loves to travel and is happy to go anywhere, anytime. I wouldn’t be able to care for Mom in my home and last time she visited, H said he couldn’t take it anymore. So now I just visit her when I can. And am glad she isn’t fighting the AL place anymore.
We left Mom in the town she was born in, partly thinking it would keep her in touch with life-long friends. Only one is still hanging in because Mom can’t figure out how to answer her phone every day. And doesn’t have much to talk about because thoughts and what she said yesterday are forgotten. She is in a pretty good place for now, though. If she was much worse, I think I’d rather have her closer to family because even the good AL places need some family supervision, IMHO. </p>
<p>@stressed2x, it is a long lonely journey sometimes, even with a helpful sibling. If you can possibly get the hospital to send out a senior evaluator? They will walk through the house and make suggestions for safety. I told Mom that she had to do that in order to get me to stop nagging her about the unsafe clutter on the floor. She cooperated with THAT because she wanted to stay in her house. They left a list of things like pick up slick rugs and also had in their files a little evaluation of her mental state. This was back when she was still very very good at covering but they could tell something was off. They also left a list of people who would come do check-ins as well as the home aide services. If you hire a professional (elder care) service to just “clean” it might work. Just tell your parents flat out that they have to try it just for a while. I was certain Mom would fire them as soon as I left town, which, yes, she did, but it was more documentation as I worked on getting the guardianship. Not that I wanted it, but it HAD to be done. </p>
<p>It is very challenging. We have spent over a week buying mom two pairs of shoes. She had to try on over a dozen pairs to find two pairs that fit! We finally realized that if she wears one thin sock and one thick one, she can fit the same size even tho one foot is 1/2 to 3/4 size larger than the other. Dad was SO exasperated! Thankfully H stayed calm and we got thru it. </p>
<p>Glad your mom was successful with finding shoes. Did you try an insole in one shoe? My husband gets cold sweats just thinking about taking his mom shopping. </p>
<p>The Jackie O approach- find something you like and buy it in every color. Agree insoles can often make a fit difference. And sometimes custom-fit shoes are worth the cost. Depends.</p>
<p>Stressedx2 - I just want to say that sometimes they figure it out themselves. My fil is in a “home” (not sure what else to call it) but at first mil was going to care for him herself at home but he started having problems, like falling and not being able to get up and she finally realized she couldn’t do it herself. It was either have someone come in or send him somewhere else. In my opinion, she prematurely sent him to live in an AL, I thought he could have stayed home longer especially if she were a little less selfish and stubborn, but now he has deteriorated quite a bit and it’s obvious he needs care 24/7. He also has Alzheimers. I think initially it’s understandable to be angry and upset but eventually the realities of the situation force people to change their behavior. I know - it doesn’t always work out that way - but sometimes it does.</p>
<p>I also want to say that mil has gone through her share of anger. For some reason she directs the brunt of her anger at my husband, her only son, and the only child she has living nearby. It makes it next to impossible to help her out as she is so very nasty toward him. I’m not sure where this can go in the future, only time will tell.</p>
<p>I had a chat with a 92 y.o. man who’s in a class with me, lives in IL. (He’s in good shape, intellectually and physically.) Thinking of this thread, asked him how he likes it. He said it’s just where he lives and eats, that his “life” is outside, every day. I thought that was great, we all like him tremendously. I know it’s not so easy for all families.</p>
<p>@stressed2x, with my dad and stepmother, I just kept suggesting, very gently. Eventually he agreed to having someone 3 days a week, and then one day when he was exhausted from taking care of my stepmother all weekend, I suggested another day, etc. Now she has a live-in caretaker. But it was very hard for him to accept that he couldn’t do it all himself.</p>
<p>I am hoping they will give in to have someone come in a few days/week. I keep mentioning it. Hopefully one day soon they will agree to try it.</p>
<p>My dad (91) was in the hospital since last Thursday night with an assortment of stuff–he was extremely sleepy and then got confused, arrythmia, had some kind of upper respiratory infection with fever, cellulitis on his legs. He was recovering from all and the hospital began discharge planning yesterday. But early this morning, he was extremely confused and was diagnosed with a brain bleed, aka hemorrhagic stroke on the left side. The doctor called me at 7 a.m. and told me he couldn’t talk. But when I got there at 9, he could talk a little, although only very simple stuff. The neurologist said the next couple of days would be worse as he suffered from swelling from the bleed, but after that they would be better able to predict his prognosis.</p>
<p>He lives with my stepmother in their house about an hour from me. As mentioned above, she has a live-in aide due to her pretty advanced Alzheimer’s. Since the aide called 911 last Thursday night and he went to the hospital, every time she asks where Sol (my dad, who she sometimes thinks is her dad) is, her aide or I tell her he’s in the hospital and she is shocked and upset. Of course this happens many times every day. Someone suggested that it might be a good idea to tell her he went shopping just so she doesn’t have to get upset. It’s not like she remembers anyway.</p>
<p>My daughter (h.s. senior) and I are supposed to leave on Friday to go to Rochester, NY for an admitted-student open house at Rochester Institute of Technology. The attending physician said, just go, we’ll call if anything urgent happens, but I feel bad about that. We could visit him on Friday morning before we go. But we won’ really know about his condition until then.</p>
<p>I have no idea what comes next. Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p>
<p>@stressedx2, maybe just tell them someone is coming? That you already paid for the person to come? I know y dad was very worried about losing his privacy by having someone in the house, but the women we’ve had (well, almost all of them; through an agency) have been very respectful. And he really appreciated that they keep my stepmother out of his hair (what little he has left, of course) when she got on his nerves.</p>
<p>oldmom, is there other family nearby? Is there a DNR in place? </p>
<p>No, I am pretty much it. I do have an aunt (73) in CT who would drive down just in case. (We live in Brooklyn and my dad is in a hospital in Long Island; aunt is about 90 minute drive), and of course we could be back within 5.5 hours if necessary.</p>
<p>He does have a living will with specific directives for no DNR, no artificial feeding, no artificial breathing, no dialysis, etc., etc. They have it in the hospital.</p>
<p>Well. … That’s a tough one. How would you feel if something happened while you’re gone? If the thought is unendurable, could someone else take your D to the open house? A good friend? </p>
<p>Personally, i’d go since you have the doc’s Ok. I guess i feel like, while I hope I never have to choose, my first responsibility and loyalty is to my child. YMMV – the father-daughter bond is pretty strong too. </p>
<p>If your dad were lucid, what would be say? </p>
<p>My dad would definitely tell me to go. I think I’ll see how he’s doing before we get into the car to drive to Rochester! Thanks, @LasMa!</p>