<p>I had a similar circumstance, oldmom, when I was scheduled to take S2 to a junior open house at 2 colleges that we had planned for awhile. My mother had a stroke and was hospitalized on a Monday and we were scheduled to leave on Wed and be back home early evening on Thrusday. I had the important phone numbers with me, and checked on how my mother was doing while I was gone. I was totally stressed out, but felt like I owed my son making the trip. It all worked out OK in my case, and, wouldn’t you know it, S2 didn’t even end up applying to the colleges we visited.</p>
<p>Our FIL had a stroke and was hospitalized and very confused before we were scheduled to fly on trip to Europe. We talked it over with BIL and SILs and decided to go on the trip and visit FIL on way back from Europe. Once he was assured It was really us who were visiting him on our way back from Europe, he died peacefully in his sleep at the hospital. </p>
<p>He and we were glad we went. </p>
<p>oldmom-thanks for taking the time out to give me some suggestions when you have so much going on. You should go with your daughter. There is nothing you can do for your dad. As the doc said only time will tell if he recovers. This is a one time event for you and your daughter. Enjoy your time together. I hope thing turn out well for you.</p>
<p>@stressed2x, sometimes there’s great satisfaction in sharing what worked for me. That’s the fellowship of this thread. We’re all going down variations of the same road.</p>
<p>oldmom4896, I also second (or fourth) going ahead and going. My H and I had many a tussle over when and where to go. I always went. Mom had a habit of being able to describe heart attack symptoms and getting herself put in the hospital when she wanted attention or when I was going somewhere. I had to stop going up to see her in the hospital because there was never anything wrong. Would I feel terrible if something ACTUALLY went wrong and she died alone? Yes, but that could happen just as likely when she was asleep in her bed and I was just at home doing dishes. Lives need to be lived and the young generation needs their mom, too. </p>
<p>Thanks, all, for the encouragement. My dad was admitted to hospice in the hospital today. He has had good days and crappy days but he won’t get much better and his living will is very clear that he doesn’t want measures that will keep him alive without getting better. No feeding tube, no artificial breathing, no antibiotics, etc. He’s only been able to eat a couple of meals so I don’t think he will last long, but who knows.</p>
<p>Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to visit and then up to Rochester. Thanks all for your encouragement.</p>
<p>My stepmother, who is extremely confused with Alzheimer’s, is home with her live-in aide. Her son, who lives in Colorado (his mother lives on Long Island, suburb of NYC), started shopping for nursing homes already. He will put her in a nursing home by the end of next week and I guess his next trip will be for her funeral. Her aide tells me she has had clients with family from out of town who managed it remotely but I guess he doesn’t want to bother now that I won’t be around to manage his mother’s care. I gave him some leads for finding a nursing home but said that I was sure it would be cheaper and probably nicer in Colorado. No response. </p>
<p>So mom just called. She says “I’ve had it. You and your brother and me need to do something with your father. If you don’t get him out them I am packing and leaving. Send him to a nursing home or whatever” When I said that the both of you won’t even try bringing someone in a few days a week she said sure blame everything on me and hung up on me. It’s really one thing to deal with one parent that has issues that need to be dealt with but when the other is just as impossible what do you do. I think that at this point my brother and I definitely need to have someone come in a few days a week. I will be making calls tomorrow and we will have to go to my parents and get this done. (Neither one of us live in the same state). I know this will not be enough for my mother because she just wants to wash her hands of the situation. Am I doing the right thing by first bringing someone in? Note- whatever the outcome is my mother will still have an issue.</p>
<p>Gee - is there something in the water? Seems like all the parents are in rare form. My sil called mom and invited her to lunch and mom gave her the woe is me, I can’t leave the house, I’m so sick I need help…and who does my sil see out at lunch today with her friends? Yup. So it seems my mom is selectively helpless. I have one sister in tears daily, the other one as some polyanna telling us if we just did everything mom wanted every day it would all be okay and we needed to be more loving. So the sis that lives by mom is going away this weekend as is the niece who lives with mom. Now mom is nervous about being alone so the other sister has a parade of visitors coming by to see mom. Which is nice but truly, if she’s that worried about 2 days without my sis and niece, what the heck is she thinking moving to a new place completely alone? </p>
<p>Oldmom … I am sorry for the hospice call, because of what it defines. However, from the ones I have experienced and heard about, it is almost always a good (in the definition of hard things) thing to have.
I am sorry for your stepmother, too because everyone needs SOMEone to watch out for them. It was weird that my dad’s wife’s kids (guess technically my steps) were so fine with having my Dad deal with her when she was crazy by himself. But once he was kicked out, zip into the nursing home she went. They found it much too hard. </p>
<p>stressed2x … My H cannot understand the “compulsion” to go help someone who is so disagreeable. I never could articulate it sufficiently. But one does. I am glad your brother is on board, that helps. My brother didn’t want me to get in help as soon as I wanted it done. Cost Mom a lot of $$ and me a lot of grief with clean up; although he was solidly on-board in the end. Good luck</p>
<p>eyemom, I keep having to note that just because Mom says X doesn’t really mean that X is true. You would have thought I would have learned that as a kid, but she always sucks me in… even now when I know she is demented and forgetful. just keep doing what makes YOU feel able to sleep at night because sometimes that is all you can aim for.</p>
<p>oldmom4896–my sympathies. We went through the same thing with my father almost a month ago today. Hospice was absolutely the right thing for him, the care was wonderful, and he was more comfortable.</p>
<p>Good luck with your stepmother…</p>
<p>My best goes to everyone here with all of these active, demanding and sometimes ambiguous situations, as well as those anticipating a loss. This is the tough stuff. </p>
<p>When a person is never going to be happy, regardless of the intervention or assistance, then it may well make sense to arrange what would work best for all, keeping to the appropriate budget, but sparing those on the front lines as many transitions and crises as possible, while attempting to ensure greater safety and care for the elders. Yeah. Sooner said than done, I know. And don’t even get me started on the sibling participation issues.</p>
<p>Here’s to a breather for all who need it. </p>
<p>I have had some interesting conversations lately. SIL helped FIL make a list of physicians and medications. She gave me the names of the doctors she remembered, I called all of them. No doctors I spoke to report patients to the DMV 
Back to square one on the driving. The one office I spoke with had notes that he always came with a caregiver and they assumed she drove, but they still won’t ask.</p>
<p>I agree with travelnut, if the person is determined to be unhappy no matter what, then deal with the situation, but don’t make yourself crazy over it!</p>
<p>oldmom, I’m so sorry. I don’t know anything about your dad’s situation, but in a lot of situations, assignment to hospice means the doctors are foreseeing death in the near future.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would stick around, because I would find it difficult if my parent died and I had gone away for the weekend, even in a good cause. But only you can decide what is right for you.</p>
<p>Somemom, does a doctor have to do the reporting? Can family do it? Does your DMV allow anonymous reporting? </p>
<p>Not anonymous & if he knows it is a family member, besides the drama, there is also the fact that he may very well continue to disregard any limits because “he knows better” and if he knows it was us, it will be ignored. He had a minor stroke a while ago and was told not to drive until checked out by a neurologist, but it took a few weeks to get in and he did not have time to wait, so he drove. And he has a live in caregiver who could drive him.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang- A friend of mine’s father was put in hospice in Oct of last year and didn’t expire until Feb. What are you supposed to do, put a hold on your life? There is nothing that she can do for her father now. He is being taken care of, it is a day or so and yes, her daughter comes first.</p>
<p>Somemom, sounds like reporting him might not do much good anyway; he might well continue to drive even without a license. The kids might have to do the job themselves. Disappearing the keys is effective.</p>
<p>Don’t expect him to like it, no matter how it’s done. </p>
<p>stressed2x, ideally, a patient would be put into hospice when they were thought to have six months to live, and if that were the case for oldmom’s dad, she should certainly not be putting her life on hold for six months.</p>
<p>But, unfortunately, in a lot of cases, some of them detailed in this thread, people are put into hospice when they have days to live. If I were in that situation, I’d stick around.</p>
<p>What we were told is that hospice is for people who are terminal within 6 months. Of course, some do last longer than that and some are gone within days. But a hospice referral doesn’t necessarily mean that death is imminent, just that it’s coming. </p>