<p>oldmom- I’m sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>I don’t get why the seniors think its okay to be grumpy either - or to complain if they don’t their thank you note fast enough.</p>
<p>We have figured out a way to visit grumpy grandpa on our terms - he is nearly uncommunicative so he doesn’t complain any more which is refreshing. He lives in a “home” and we can drop in and drop out at our whim and stay for as little or as long as we like. It works for us.</p>
<p>But does anyone have advice in dealing with grumpier grandma? She is a royal pain. It is not possible to see her without offending her in some way and having her lash out at you. Or everything has a string attached. Now she wants us to haul back a “present” for our daughter when she graduates. Chances are its some stupid thing she bought at a garage sale. We told her to mail it. That isn’t my question though, that’s just an example.</p>
<p>I would like to find a way to see her regularly like we do with grumpy grandpa - on our terms. We tried dropping by her house but she is not home, if we call and say we would like to come over it gives her too much time to come up with some stupid string. Does anyone have a strategy they use to visit the grumpy one yet avoid her baggage?</p>
<p>oldmom, my condolences. I am glad you were able to be there for him.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, I feel for you. It is difficult to move on beyond certain emotional betrayals.One can only try.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone @oldmom - I am sorry if I stepped on the attention and condolences your rightly deserved to get by freaking out with my own issue. </p>
<p>I took today off talking to my family. I leave for vacation on Saturday for a week, and I think I’ll be very careful how much communication I do.</p>
<p>@Cardinal Fang - I do wonder if there could be beginnings of some cognitive issue. The problem is she has always been difficult in some ways, but so supportive in others. It’s like she doesn’t believe that we all get all how difficult this is, and honestly with the pain level she tells us she experiences, a skilled nursing facility may be the only place to get powerful enough medication. She wants to try marijuana in a state where it isn’t legal - I’m not about to go hit the streets looking for it. She’s going to some new quack on Wednesday for pain relief and I’m concerned she thinks this is her final chance. </p>
<p>I’m in my 40’s but I feel like I should be looking into my own retirement and aging situation now so I never put my kids through all of this. How can she think being so stubborn isn’t difficult for all of us? She told me yesterday she essentially has felt “abandoned” when my dad died 5 years ago. A flat out lie, but hurtful none the less.</p>
<p>eyeamom, do you think she is in fact dealing with the pain level she says she is experiencing? How does she behave when she gets enough pain medication (if she ever does)?</p>
<p>It’s really hard to tell CF. She has been complaining for over 25 years now about pain. I do believe if she’d take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety, follow a very compliant schedule of pain meds and go move about in the heated pool it would go a long way. Instead she sits around in her jammies all day or lays in bed all day and thinks about her misery. My sis coined the phrase that she’s practicing medicine without a license. The problem is she’ll tell us her stomach is killing her, we’ll take her to the doctor and she’ll tell the dr about back pain. She tells us oxy and morphine don’t work and doctors don’t know what to do. Is it really possible that a good pain management doctor couldn’t at least knock her out to diminish the pain? Or is there something else going on that the docs know and we don’t. Now she has this “friend” who is 30 years younger, who finds these quacks or goes on these dr’s appts. My sis called this friend too and said if she’s going to insert herself into this situation, we need to be made aware. Mom was told to go to the dr by the doctor last week and instead said no, she was going home and would go on oxygen. But she told us none of it. And wouldn’t use the oxygen to boot. She really will only hang around people who pity her and it’s seeming recently she’d rather have the pity and company of total strangers than us. </p>
<p>I went to my doc last week and when I started talking about my mom, he just pulled up a chair and talked to me for a good 20 minutes on dealing with elder care. It’s not an easy road to walk!</p>
<p>Eyemom, sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are having a difficult time with your mother. It also sounds like if she were serious about diminishing her pain she would follow her doctors’ recommendations rather than doing whatever she wants and trotting around from one doctor to another.</p>
<p>PhotoOp on, are there any dementia issues going with grandma? </p>
<p>My mom has dementia issues and she definitely has no filter. She says the oddest things now. In the past she was the ultimate church lady and wouldn’t say an unkind word about anyone. I have adjusted fairly well to this “version” of her, but it’s been harder for some of my siblings.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update on what happened to our thread. It must have been a shock to have all your threads disappear!</p>
<p>Adding my condolences, oldmom. </p>
<p>A friend of mine suggested a lot of the conflicts with older relatives are about control. At the same time they don’t want to lose theirs (in their own lives and over their kids,) here we are, trying to impose some, to smooth our relationships with them. Or make things make better sense, be more efficient or safer for them. It’s not easy. </p>
<p>Sometimes seniors are grumpy due to other issues. My mom had dementia…it was very mild at first, but she was very grumpy sometimes. I learned to smile and nod. Disagreeing with her, or yelling back did NOTHING. It was upsetting more to me than her. It was much wiser to just let it go, because most of the time, the next day, or the next hour, whatever the issue was had blown over.</p>
<p>I will confess that I wasn’t as good with my mom about this as I could have been. When my dad got grumpy years later, I was much more able to just let it go. </p>
<p>He wasn’t yelling at me. He wasn’t mad at me. He was frustrated with a life he no longer could fully enjoy. He did NOT have dementia. </p>
<p>@eyemom, there is nothing more helpless feeling than trying to fix someone in a way they don’t want it fixed. I am glad your Dr. was able to take the time to give you some tips. And yes, do be careful of the “helpful” friend. We got burned badly by someone Mom trusted a bit too much. He is STILL telling people in town that she gave him the ranch. He did get her to sign false receipts, but she managed not to give away the whole farm so to speak. </p>
<p>Thumper1, can you put that on a tatoo for my hand for next week? SHUT UP AND SMILE? I am trying to “convince” Mom that her old neighbor (that tried to get in bed with her before his wife died) is NOT a great person just because he wants to take her for drives. I had to tell the AL place that he doesn’t have permission to take her out. I felt like a really overcontrolling mean mom…</p>
<p>Thanks for the update on theloss of the main thread. That is taking banning with a vengeance! I hope they don’t get carried away with some of it (Like the Say it Hear thread took on a life of its own, but I don’t think the OP is still on the boards).</p>
<p>It became much easier with my stepmother when every day was Groundhog Day. She used to say to me at least 2x/month, “You are so good to us! Can you explain again how we know you?” That progressed to “How can he be your father (about my father/her husband)? He’s MY father!” </p>
<p>3togo – Have they restored any of your other threads? </p>
<p>Hmmm, looks like February and March, plus part of April, are missing.</p>
<p>PM doughill on the other thread. </p>
<p>Whoops, it’s all back I think. When I first looked, the last post was late in January.</p>
<p>Glad this thread is back from the lost world. Thanks all for your kind words. The seder went well; main subject of conversation was actually DS’s new job (this is the kid who boomeranged home last summer after being essentially unemployed for nearly two years). He started today. The job came via brother’s network so he was quite interested. Mom enjoyed herself and didn’t talk too much; was concentrating on the “order” I think to make sure she could keep track of where we were. Brother and SIL were very tired and happy to be guests and not hosts.</p>
<p>
I think that must be the gist of it, Cardinal Fang. She really started changing at age 80 and I’m fine with hearing the same stories and complaints whenever we talk. I was just surprised she didn’t talk to DH because she really thinks highly of him. She did ask about him so I guess that’s something.</p>
<p>Travelnut, Mom alleges she will only drive near home on familiar routes. Brother did talk to her doctor (also his) but dr said condition was not such that he could medically restrict her. Mom has found some ride support groups and is starting to use them. But as a “glass half empty” kind of person, she is not happy that she actually has to arrange in advance. Her shakiness is due to balance issues so she feels more secure in a car.</p>
<p>Reading through all of your challenges and pain helps me keep our situation in perspective. So far everything with both mothers had been more-or-less controllable, both mentally aware, and everyone is still talking to each other.</p>
<p>OH, YAY it is mostly back! thank goodness.</p>
<p>I am going to be whining on here practically daily I expect as I go up to see Mom. I get knots in my stomach for a week before I leave. And she is trying really hard, harder than she did for years to be “good”. Even if some of her “good” is senseless, at least she is trying. We will have a nice time. I hope I’ll get another few dangling problems snipped off. I don’t know what I can do about the old neighbor, but I think he generally means well.
Next big challenge is trying to find a way for her to go see her new great grand son. Although I <em>should</em> leave that one for my brother to own, it is his first grandbaby.</p>
<p>Where did “Parents caring for the parent support thread” go?</p>