<p>Agree with oldmom. All I can offer is sympathy, runnersmom.</p>
<p>@oldmom4896 My uncle did the contest the will thing when my grandma died and got nothing, but cost quite a lot. Now HIS daughter is writing the lawyer to try to contest it. Grandma has been dead 20 years, but I cleaned out her house (mom lived there and kept all Grandma’s collections intact). When cousin heard of the clean out, she wanted “her share”. ummmm… And her Dad died about 4 years ago, unmourned by anyone, including his kids. I sent her some of the “stuff” but nothing worth much because I was selling it for Mom’s upkeep. Sometimes I DO wonder if cousin should have gotten more, but I can’t be accountable for GRANDMA’S decisions at this date.</p>
<p>Wow, Eso! Sorry you have to deal with such ingratitude. Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? Sad!</p>
<p>Tip: when elders lose or gain a lot of weight, be sure to have their med dosages rechecked to key to their new weight.</p>
<p>We had a recent wild time because my brother, on Hospice with ALS/Lou Gherig’s disease, bedridden and paralyzed neck-down, had-- over time-- lost 60 pounds in bed. A month ago, he descended into round-the-clock sleep, couldn’t wake enough to eat or hydrate. From this, Hospice and nursing home staff figured it was a matter of days until death, as it looked just like that. I bolted up to NH with my funeral clothes.</p>
<p>And so, because he was “days or weeks to death,” his Primary Care Physician, in consultation with the Medical Power of Attorney, removed several of the longterm meds he’d used most of his adult life. Guess what? Two days later, he roared awake and has been so for a month now. Nurses think maybe the old med dosages so overwhelmed him at his new lighter weight that this put him into the deep sleep, which was mistaken as near death. </p>
<p>A nursing home or hospital can weigh a bedridden patient while in bed. They subtract the bed weight! But even if your elder is walking around, it’s got to be a good move to check their changing weight against med dosages, right?</p>
<p>Wow, paying3. It seems obvious to me…you’d think his physician would have thought of it!</p>
<p>Glad your brother is better.</p>
<p>Physicians sometimes get so caught up in the details that they forget to look at the big picture. </p>
<p>This just happened to my dad. He was in the hosp for surgery. Should have been home in a few days but there was a complication and he ended up with a second surgery. Surgeon gave my dad lots of attention and kept up with his progress. When he was released from the hosp, no one thought to mention to my mom that he’d need pain medication that evening. Instead the dr focused on my dad’s heart medicine and gave my mom instructions about that. So, my dad went home and my mom planned to go the next day for his new prescriptions since the dr said that they could wait until the next day (he completely overlooked that there was a pain med in the pack of prescriptions). My dad had a horrible night filled with pain. We got it all straightened out the next day but my dad had a really rough time of it for a while. </p>
<p>Can I ask some opinions here? What do you consider your obligation for your parents? My mom just won’t make any decisions or plans for herself, yet in every conversation is telling me how downhill she’s going. I’ll ask if her doctor has suggestions for living arrangements or what she thinks she would like…she can’t answer. I have one sister who has the time and inclination now to drop everything and travel up there to cook for her, go shopping, stay with her, etc. I have a hs senior about to graduate and all of that goes on with that, I own a business and am in the middle of projects. I don’t have an issue visiting, but am I as her daughter obligated to go make sure she is comfortable in her untenable situation so she doesn’t have to face her reality? If you don’t live nearby, how often do you go visit your parents?</p>
<p>eyemamom… different strokes for different folks. Both the “child” and the “parent” . (and you flip flop between being one, then the other, the back)
It is HARD to find a balance that can make anyone or everyone happy. I don’t live near my Mom (400 miles). I went up to see her almost once a month the first year she was in assisted living. But prior to that it was every 2 or 3 months. She was one that was insisting she was find and had her “trusty” handyman to take care of everything and blah blah blah. I knew a year before that she shouldn’t be alone and vulnerable. But my husband was adamant that she not take over my life. My brother was in denial. So it went.
Now she is in AL and everyone sees that she needs to be there, sometimes even she does. So we have a “solution” for now. </p>
<p>I think every person has to work it out for themselves and keep talking. If your sister has the time and inclination to spend on your mom, great! So long as you tell her you see what she is doing you can support in other ways. </p>
<p>I would have given more time and energy to my Mom if my H hadn’t fought it so hard. So I threaded between what I felt I had to do, what I wanted to do, and what he could accept. That is, I think, all any family can do. Keep trying, keep talking, keep changing because the circumstances change actually pretty quickly.</p>
<p>You can’t “make” anyone face reality. Kid expects too expensive a college or Mom expects to move in… you have to work to communicate what reality means for your family. Maybe there are hard feelings, maybe not. Maybe counseling will help. </p>
<p>The other thing to possibly keep in mind is to loss the expectation of “fair”. What is fair in one house isn’t fair in another. And, like the distribution of sentimental goods, 5 kids can’t all have the puppy cookie jar all the time. Talk talk talk and get something people can live with. Rotate the cooke jar or send it out for special parties, IDK, but someone will think it isn’t FAIR. Same with care of parents. It isn’t fair, we can’t achieve fair. All we can do is the best we can or what we can live with. My H would not accept much more than I did/do for Mom. In his opinion, we do not have the obligation to live our lives for her. In my family, my mom moved in with her mother with Alzheimers and stayed with her in her house until Grandma finally died. Grandma would never have lasted as long without Mom and her care. Mom had 4 siblings, only one who ever came by or helped much. Two were near enough that they could have helped Mom. So I came from a background of seeing that. My H’s family was the opposite. We had to make our own middle ground. </p>
<p>It was hard, too, because my H and mom never got along. She will never know or accept that she or what she did has any cause in him not liking her. I let him push her away too hard for the kids when they were little, which I regret now. But I saw his point to a certain extent. Now I am grateful that I don’t get sucked dry because if he were not here saying “enough is enough”, I would have let her consume me. No one deserves that. Neither her OR me! </p>
<p>So, sorry this is rambling!! There isn’t one answer which is one reason this board is so valuable. Sometimes we see how someone else handled it (whether it is college choice, financial aid, or elder care) and we can say That would work! or That is horrible! or I hadn’t thought of that. </p>
<p>Only advice I can say is you have to talk! Talk in your close and far family. Talk to Mom, she is probably listening, even while not agreeing. Talk to your sister and tell her you know it won’t be exactly equal if she visits more or gives more time right now. Later maybe you can do more or do financials or whatever YOUR skill/time set is. All you can do is try to make a decision that you can live with.</p>
<p>Good luck! </p>
<p>Eyeamom- Sorry for the dilemmas your family is facing. The portrait you paint of your mother is a common one- nothing is right, needs are not being met, but nothing can change. All that appears to please her is family listening to her “play the tape” and suggestions for improvements are viewed as negative or even hostile. I think there 2 aspects to your questions: one is what is the best way to proceed with your mother and the other is what is realistic, desirable and appropriate for different family members to contribute. I found it helpful to separate them out when sorting out the way forward as things deteriorated with my folks. </p>
<p>As to the what is best, I am not an advocate of completely enabling a false, limited and perhaps dangerous lifestyle. You say you mother won’t make decisions or plans, and I am wondering if it could be that she is no longer able to do these things. It is very common for that skill set to be a barometer of decline. She may be waiting for someone to “take the reins” and make all the possibilities more concrete. Of course, this is sometimes accompanied by flat out rejection of any new ideas. If there are severe resource limitations or no way to “nudge” the elder forward, families can find themselves playing the hand they are dealt, setting up stop gap measures and waiting for the other shoe to drop. If there are resources, options, and a hint of an open mind, supportive options can be brought up in non-threatening ways, such as discussions of what has worked for others. This is usually a process. Options can be researched, both local to your mother and to her children who may be involved. Sometimes it is much better to discuss specifics and sometimes to engage medical professionals, clergy, or family friends.</p>
<p>As to your role: I sense the tension in your questions. You are juggling so much that more is overwhelming, especially if it feels unproductive. I think your first obligation is your “home front”, including your self, family and business. What you do for your mother has to make sense to you and work with your schedule. If you have a good relationship with your sister, it could increase your peace of mind to start to establish a game plan or strategy that reflects current issues and anticipates future needs. Maybe you can’t run to visit at the drop of a hat, but you could do internet research about support options. Being clear about your limits, the context of your efforts and what you can contribute will help. </p>
<p>For me, this was the hardest phase. You know things are changing and needs are increasing, but you don’t have the “answers” yet. It can get better and for me it worked to take 5 steps back, with the help of family members and medical professionals. Though my parents were only looking local to them, it was my husband who noted that we were the only real caretakers in the family and we found the right care facility near our house, 3 hours away from my parents’ home. It not only met medical needs, but also provided an enriched social life that had become narrow due to all peers being elderly. Note that although this place is half an hour from my house and I try to visit weekly, I have had other obligations and issues interrupt the schedule. This is inevitable. If the plan is viable, others will be able to tend themselves, even as the elder is tended. I think that it is the win/win. </p>
<p>Sorry for the length of this. You hit a nerve with this one! All the best to everyone facing transitions. </p>
<p>@eyemamom, as the child who lived the closest who wound up managing the care of my dad and my stepmother, I think you may have to acknowledge that your close-by sister is the one carrying the load, and ask her, often, how you can support her in these efforts. Try not to second-guess her–she’s the one in the hotbird seat. If you are worried about something she’s doing that you think may not be wise for your mom, be very careful how you phrase your suggestions.</p>
<p>For the four years before my four years, my brother who also lives in NYC (dad and stepmother an hour away from either of us in the burbs) was johnny-on-the-spot. He was very controlling (about this and everything else, his whole life!) but I always offered, and he deigned to allow me to take my dad or stepmother to some doctor’s appointments or other stuff from time to time when there was a scheduling conflict for him. But he was not really interested in sharing the burden. One day he and my dad had a big argument and he called me and said, “Your turn!” and so it became my burden.</p>
<p>What I can say is that it was always gratifying when family members acknowledged my burden. Maybe I’m old, but it’s never a bad thing to hear what a good daughter you are, in my very humble opinion.</p>
<p>I know it’s been very hard for you and that your mom is difficult. My sympathy and empathy. My dad and stepmother were very upset when my brother cut them off (they probably called him 1000 times in the subsequent year and he never, ever took a call from them) and I had to listen to my dad tell me that he was a failure as a father because all his children were such losers. Nice! It took some really good therapy not to feel like I was being electrocuted every time I went to their house (2x/week). I hope your sister doesn’t feel that way! But Dr. Freud never sleeps.</p>
<p>I also have a high school senior and the weekend my dad died, my daughter and I went to an accepted-students open house where we wound up paying the deposit, a minimum of 5.5 hours away, so an overnight visit preceded immediately by a visit to the hospital on Friday, open house and return trip Saturday. On Sunday I spent the afternoon with my dad in the hospital, holding his hand and telling him that everything was taken care of, and he died shortly after I left.</p>
<p>(((((hugs))))) to you and your sister.</p>
<p>Catching up on the thread. My sincere condolences @oldmom. Sending you hugs.</p>
<p>Eyemamom - There isn’t an easy answer and I feel your pain. It’s sounds very difficult to determine if your mother is behaving this way in a bid for attention or really can’t make her own decisions. Perhaps someone should sit down with a power of attorney form and see if she really means to turn over her finances and decision making. </p>
<p>Here is my vent for the day…</p>
<p>Since my dad’s death two months ago, my already incredibly difficult mother has become even worse. Dad had been in assisted living for 18 months, so it’s not as if she’s suddenly lonely. But now she thinks my life is dedicated to her and her constant badgering is really stressing me out.</p>
<p>For those of you just joining my sad saga, my mother had her license revoked following a stroke and a court visit after being arrested for driving with a suspended license. She leaves the house nearly every day for bunco, a weekly shopping trip and hair appointment, Eastern Star meetings and casino trips. And she eats at a church dinner twice a week and at her Moose lodge once a month. She does a lot more than most 92 year olds I know.</p>
<p>She refuses to take the dial-a-ride or hire someone to drive her, so she depends on friends but mostly wants me to drop everything so I can drive her 25 miles round trip (we live in a rural area) to save 10 cents on tomatoes. Plus she has a compulsive shopping addiction (she racked up $50k + from QVC ).</p>
<p>She calls numerous times a day whining and carrying on about small insignificant problems and then demands that I come over RIGHT NOW because she doesn’t have any food (she gets meals on wheels 3 x a week and is a hoarder and literally could feed the neighborhood for a year), has to mail bills that aren’t due for 3 weeks or some such IMMEDIATE errand. If I don’t call her right back she’ll leave 8 messages by the end of the day. Each message more angry and whiny than the last. </p>
<p>But this weekend was the final straw. Thursday she developed some mild flu symptoms - dizziness in the morning, slightly nauseous - but refused to go to the doctor or the hospital. I ran errands for her Thursday & Friday. Saturday she calls and tells me she still isn’t feeling that great but insists that DH take her to the store after he drops off a lamp he fixed. I said no, that she had just told me she was still sick and risked infecting others and making herself worse. I told her DH he could pick up groceries for her. </p>
<p>She had a complete meltdown, screaming, whining, pleading to go to the store swearing she was out of everything and that she couldn’t survive without food. I held firm, but he relented and took her shopping. She bought three bananas and an orange. </p>
<p>Between spring sports, our business, my own clients, senior year and all that entails, I am at my wits end.</p>
<p>This is a rally tough stage, when they need more help or lifestyle changes, but are still capable enough to decide for themselves. I could talk to you for an hour about this! A few rambling thoughts:</p>
<p>You are under no obligation to throw your life into turmoil to accommodate their desire to put their head in the sand.</p>
<p>It is right to honor your father & mother, but that does not mean catering to every whim.</p>
<p>I am incredibly lucky that my mother is quite willing & grateful for me to be in charge, after Dad died she moved in with us and whilst it is an obligation, I am able to structure her life in a way that works for my family and she is appreciative of all we do. No interest in AL and probably could not afford a very good one, but this is working. Though I have three siblings, I am about 98% on my own. One sibling in the same town might do something with her a few times a year, one who is far away will take her for a few days 1-2x a year if I am coming to that area & bring her and one will call weekly & best of all will listen to me complain </p>
<p>With my in laws they are 100% unwilling to take any input, they have had a succession of in house care givers with the hours on a steady increase to now a live in, thank God! We all support them in remaining in their home, they are AL in place. I did take care of them once in an emergency and missed a great deal of my DDs HS that year. Had it not been for something else that arose in their area, I would really resent that I spent so much time with them, but in the end it did work out well for me for other reasons. But it was tense & stressful & lonely for me & DD & DH :(</p>
<p>We visit the in laws 2-4 times a year, we occasionally have kowtowed to a demand to come at a certain inconvenient time, but after the last time that happened, I will not do it again. They are very demanding and very ungrateful, what we do is never enough, so, in order to honor them willingly and with a compassionate spirit, I must do it the way and in the timing that works for me.</p>
<p>That is my guideline, what can I do and keep a good attitude. It is not good for me or them if I am simmering in resentment!</p>
<p>Thank you all for your insight. It’s a tough time, and it’s not my sister in town who is dropping and running, it’s the one who lives a plane ride away. My in town sister has had it and frankly my mom has gotten so nasty with her she can hardly say a nice word about her to anyone now. We all agreed it was time for this sister to just pull back. My other sister is so overly empathetic when we just about have mom agreed to something this sister manages to derail it. This sister thinks staying put is the solution. Clearly I have issues - lol </p>
<p>It helps to hear of everyone’s stories and what works and doesn’t and things to think about. And that I’m not the first person walking this road!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is such a smart observation.</p>
<p>I remember one year, my dad was sick of things breaking in the house. He was really ready to move to an independent-living kind of place, and we found a good one. But my stepmother didn’t want to move, she said because she couldn’t remember where she hid her jewelry in the house.</p>
<p>Of course her sons would have been responsible to come and clean it out and sell it, but there was no convincing her.</p>
<p>I consider my obligation to my parents as keeping them safe and provide for their basic needs, medical care-food-shelter. The rest is what I choose to do, not what I have to do. I do not feel responsible for their entertainment or social life.</p>
<p>@rockymtnhigh, that’s what I felt I could do for my dad and stepmother. I attempted to find them ways to enlarge their social opportunities but I couldn’t force them and I didn’t. Because it was really hard for me to spend a ton of time with them, I didn’t. For the first few months, they kept asking if I would stay for dinner, but it didn’t take long for them to learn that I would do what needed to be done, and then leave. I was grateful to say that I needed to go home and make dinner for my daughter, and I was not looking forward to her departure to college for many reasons but certainly including that I wouldn’t have the excuse to leave my dad’s and stepmother’s house. Of course nature took its course and their house is empty now.</p>
<p>Mom is well into the wailing stage. Sometimes I can decipher it but now I have no idea; It is sometimes incessent</p>
<p>I live nearby and visit about once a week, but sometimes it stretches to 2 weeks. They are in a continuing care retirement community, but I still need to keep track of their abilities. They love when I visit and they take me to dinner at their wonderful restaurant with the retirement community. I’m in a lucky spot as they chose a place where needs can be met, though I’m sure I will have to ask for those needs when the time comes. </p>
<p>CornPops1, you have my deepest sympathies. Listening to a parent person wailing is beyond difficult.</p>
<p>My parents live up the street from me and I don’t visit that often because I simply find it difficult. I get on with my Dad just fine, but my Mom really challenges me. The whole world loves my Mom but we have completely opposite personalities and we enjoy things very differently. So, I do what I can and stop when I can’t. My brother and I do see that they aren’t lacking for what they need. Thankfully we are both in agreement on the best way to deal with our parents and we can present a unified front. And we are both able to handle different needs, so that helps as well.
Nope, it’s not an easy road. </p>