<p>CF I completely get it and that’s what we’re facing. I’m in the emergency room with my mom right now and as awful as it sounds I hope they find something so she can be admitted.</p>
<p>Have a great time Cardinal Fang! I’m currently a bit overwhelmed with trip planning for myself and my parents for DDs college graduation so I know what you and your sister are going through. When I moved them closer to me from Florida, I kept feeling like I was herding cats. PM me and let me know where this wonderful resort is. Maybe I can plan another trip sometime. </p>
<p>Reading the May 4th posts about driving, I agree that children should not ‘allow’ parents to drive, but just how does one prevent that whether you live in town or not. If I take away the keys and even sell the car, my FIL can march out and buy himself a new car. He does not care what anyone else thinks, he is going to do what he wants to do. None of his physicians will report him.</p>
<p>somemom, I had the same problem with my dad. He did know enough not to drive at night. Then one December day he left the house at 4 p.m. to go food shopping. He came out of the store 15 minutes from home and it was dark. It took him 2 hours to find his way home and he never drove again. I am extremely grateful that he never killed anyone. He used to travel with $500 cash in his wallet to pay off the victims of fender-bender-type accidents.</p>
<p>eyemamom, I hope so too! Sympathy and empathy from me!</p>
<p>Just back from a hellacious visit with the old folks. The worst part is they call, desperate for help, but then as soon as anyone begins to do things that need to be done, they criticize, they complain, etc. Over a few days, they were moving to AL, they were staying in their home, she was moving to AL & he was staying in the house, they were moving to AL, they were staying home. Sheesh, make up your minds. We don’t care, we just want to support them to be happy. Now he has a gerontologist coming for a consult, she generally advises people stay in their own home, she also wants to sign on to be their coordinator at $200/hour. We all hope he does not sign on with her as she is not needed.</p>
<p>What do you do when you can’t afford an assisted living facility and parent is not ready for nursing home?</p>
<p>I am not sure, but was pricing nursing homes and finding some to be $300 daily, that is way more than a home health care aide + housing costs</p>
<p>Eyeamom, I know exactly what you mean about hoping she’s admitted. I came to think of hospitalization as a sort of reset button for my dad. He would get into these downward spirals and once he reached that point, just nothing was going to go well until he spent a few days under doctors’ direct supervision. </p>
<p>
Stressed2x, a little bit of everything as needs intensify. In our family among many relatives, it’s looked like this: </p>
<ul>
<li><p>Keep them in their apartment with hired help, gradually increasing their shift hours. Sometimes they begin as housekeepers 1x/week just to get them used to having someone come into the privacy of their home. Then they might begin taking on cooking, shopping, laundry (more personal) and eventually give a shower (very personal) as trust builds. If help is good at cleaning but terrible at cooking, adult kids send over cooked meals to stock the fridge for the help to defrost, reheat, serve. </p></li>
<li><p>Bring them to live in the home of one adult kid, allowing him/her to take some of the Social Security check as rent/food/escort reimbursal. If structural changes must occur to improve the house, such as a main floor bathroom or more closets, take this from the elder’s bank account. If any siblings object to you improving your house on Mom’s dime, challenge them to take her in instead. </p></li>
<li><p>Best collaboration ever: two cousins who each had an elder moved both into one new 2 BR apt, pooled the family money to hire one home care worker to mind both of them. Ours were a brother and SIL who didn’t like each other much, but each stayed behind bedroom doors while the home care worker sat in kitchen/living area all day. Their kids alternated weeks for sending over cooked food.</p></li>
<li><p>Sell their house so you have something to use as an asset for their immediate care. </p></li>
<li><p>Find a college age nephew or niece who’s willing to live in one of their bedrooms in exchange for a specific list of errands and chores, rent free to the young person.</p></li>
<li><p>Enrol them in a senior center day care in your community. Some of these are held on AL campus or inside nursing homes, but open registration to the public as daycare for a fee. If elder can’t drive to get there, explore options for handicap transportation that can be called to the senior’s apt or house. They must learn to become patient but it’ll take them to errands and give them outings for grocery, pharmacy, library visits.</p></li>
<li><p>surely there are many more creative responses, but those were ours. </p></li>
</ul>
<p>My stepmother’s caretaker used to work for a 100-year-old lady who lived in an independent/assisted-living place. She took care of her until the lady spent down her assets enough to qualify for Medicaid and get nursing home care. That’s the strategy of many people in NY–the place will take them with the understanding that if they outlive their assets, they will accept Medicaid for nursing-home care. But not sure if Medicaid pays for nursing homes everywhere.</p>
<p>One issue we just started researching is durable power of attorney DPA at brokerages. Sadly, neither of the two brokerages where we wanted to consolidate most of our accounts will recognize these, whether prepared by an attorney or not. Their forms are much more limited and NOT what we wanted. Sadly, we are consequently moving assets to Fidelity who WILL recognize DPAs, which is key in estate planning and elder law. </p>
<p>We are sad and surprised that neither Vanguard nor Schwab honor these, but they will try to convince you that what they have is “just as good,” but it really is NOT! I so wanted to have most of my assets with Vanguard!</p>
<p>eyeamom, how did things go at ER? Update us when you can.</p>
<p>Thanks for that HI mom. My folks do have an account at Vanguard. I will have to look into that. </p>
<p>HImom, in what way were the Vanguard forms not what you wanted? </p>
<p>Neither Vanguard nor Schwab have or recognize Durable Power of Attorney, which withstands the potential disinterest or incompetency of the principal, which can come and go, as the principal ages. This was something that really concerns me, as my H and parents (and I) aren’t getting any younger and I can definitely tell that sometimes folks are easier to talk to and work with than others. According to Vanguard, you can have an agency which you renew in 30 day intervals, and then you can have a form where an MD declares the person incompetent. These workarounds are not satisfactory to us, tho we were otherwise very attracted to Vanguard and Schwab. :(</p>
<p>Fidelity, on the other hand DOES recognize durable powers of attorney and is mailing us their form to complete and return with our transfer forms. It is a subject that came up in another forum, bogleheads.org, where a retired law prof encountered problems with the funds he and his disabled partner held at Vanguard and he was astounded that Vanguard refused to recognize the durable power of attorney his partner had executed. He has since moved all their assets to Fidelity and I am reluctantly, slowly doing so as well. </p>
<p>tons of banks WILL not accept a power of attorney either, in direct contradiction to law. My mom went in and signed the banks particular POA for me, but I’d hate to think what would have happened if she got the mean dementia instead of just being super agreeable to any sort of scheme.
And they wouldn’t take the guardianship, either which includes the incompetent aspect as well.<br>
Edward Jones was very agreeable, although I personally think their fees are way too high. Just letting those stocks sit there just in case. If I needed them actively traded at all, I’d try to move and my first choice would have been Schwab. Good to know about their issues.</p>
<p>eyemom … things OK ?</p>
<p>stressed2x , did you get the air fare figured out? I didn’t log on to help because every airline and every insurance is different. Only thing I could offer is to be persistent. And maybe use the tickets later?</p>
<p>somemom, do you not recognize teenagers? I swear Mom went that way. Now she is about 6 I think.
I hope you can get a solution that works and sticks!</p>
<p>cardinalfang. I hope you enjoy every minute. I was happy I took Mom to a wedding last summer, sort of a family reunion, even though she forgot she went in a month. She can look at the pictures anyway and sometimes it comes back. Her grandkids were pretty good babysitters, but that is exactly what it came down to.</p>
<p>Thanks, esobay. The vacation/family reunion has been fantastic. I come from a big family, so we have fourteen sons, daughters, sons/daughters-in-law and grandchildren here with Mom.</p>
<p>Bernese- your book on ‘stressed out caring for parents’ was very good. I just finished it. It did teach me a different technique I will call ‘shut up and just agree’ and did get some really good empathetic responses from me and passivity from my mother. Overall very helpful. Even though I knew alot of the information in the book, the advice was good. My nature is very much to not lie, so this agreeing thing initially went against my nature but realizing it was to handle dementia and keep things calm helped.</p>
<p>Yea, my bro works for a bank and says it’s best to execute the durable power of attorney at EACH bank, so you don’t have problems. It’s really a pain, but he says each bank HAS THE RIGHT to insist on its own forms, so best to try to get our loved one to sign on a “good day,” while they are cooperative. To this day, I have NO idea what is going on with my folks and their finances. Believe dad will appoint my older bro, that he practices with to handle things and hopefully everything will work out great. One more of their friends just got a space at the senior retirement community where most of their other friends live, about a mile or two from their current home. My folks have toured and signed the waiting list to get a unit there. Dad says he’s working on the yard, to make the home more saleable.</p>