Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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2981

<p>Has she agreed to the aides? How is she doing physically and cognitively? My dad and stepmother (91 and 93) had aides in their private home through an agency and almost all of them were lovely women. When my dad died, my stepmother’s son took her to his home state and put her into a memory care unit. But the aide, who had worked as a private aide to patients in assisted living, said there’s nothing like being home.It is what my dad and stepmother wanted and I am glad I was able to facilitate it. To me it seemed like their lives were kind of barren (she was pretty addled with Alzheimer’s and couldn’t carry on a conversation), but it’s really what they wanted.</p>

<p>Make sure you find out exactly what the aides can and can’t do. My daughter and I live in Brooklyn, NYC and dad and stepmother were an hour away in the suburbs. Most of the aides were from the city and didn’t drive so I went there to go food shopping with the aide and to take my dad shopping so he wouldn’t drive. My dad did the cooking for them (his mission in life, lol) but the aide was willing and able to cook.</p>

<p>Your husband and his siblings need to be able to keep an eye on the situation for a while. Many people here have endured the firing of aides by their elderly parents. It takes some getting used to, for sure! But the aides who were permanently assigned were very good at giving their clients the privacy they wanted in the house. Some of the substitutes for days off were not so great, but the agency would trade them out pretty quickly. My guess is that it may take a month or two for your MIL to get used to having someone there all the time. On the other hand, your MIL may be able to acclimate to assisted living after a month or two. Five years before when they were both in much better shape, my dad and stepmother (at family’s urging) considered an independent living place that would have allowed them to rent a furnished apartment there for a month to check it out. I have no idea if the same options are available for assisted living but it might be worth considering.</p>

<p>Good luck, my sympathy and empathy.</p>

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<p>@cincy As long as there are people in town willing and able to check in OFTEN and your MIL can’t fire the people, in home help can be a real blessing. I saw that with my Grandma. I too, think staying home helps, even when there isn’t a lot of social activity. Change is very hard on fragile elders it seems.
In my case, there was no one close to double check on Mom, she would have fired any aide and she was being preyed upon by her handyman. So for her the AL place has made sense and has worked out. It isn’t perfect, but nothing in life is, really. It took her a long time to settle in, but now she has and although she has days of longing for her “life” and I have days of horror for “what am I doing to my mother” mostly it works out. She IS a social person and is seeing many more people than she was at home.
The other thing to keep in mind is that a trial run is OK. Nothing is permanent. If the aids don’t work out or if your MIL begins to need a lot more care … OR you can try an AL place, but that is harder because the good ones have wait lists in many towns.
Good luck with it all.</p>

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<p>For us, another big con to having her in her own home was maintaining the home. Esobay mentioned an elder being preyed upon by a handyman. My mother’s helpers were all honest, but even they were finding her increasing confusion a big concern. And it’s not cheap to pay someone for yard work, snow removal, doing laundry etc. If family can do all that themselves that’s great, but that was not an option for us so I just took over writing checks to most of those people. Mom continued to pay a few of them herself, but I oversaw the taxes and bills for utilities so she didn’t get into trouble there. </p>

<p>Like @esobay, I have days when I feel very guilty for ‘what I did to my mother’. We eventually cleaned out and sold the house, and that money is helping to pay for memory care now. It’s been 13 months and she still asks about her house all the time, and if I’m sure it’s ok. It helps a little that the house she’ remembers and is asking about hasn’t been hers since 1966. I’m not sure how she’d react if we drove by the house she left a year ago and she saw the changes the new owners are making. </p>

<p>Since your MIL is in a condo @cincy gal you probably don’t have the maintenance concerns. When I looked into aides vs. AL, aides would have cost more, plus still paying to maintain an older home. Based on my mother’s previous behavior with nurses and PT coming to work with my late Dad, I knew she would not be welcoming to the aides. So the better option was a forced move.</p>

<p>I like the suggestions for a trial run. Some facilities do keep a few rooms for what they advertise as ‘respite care,’ that is when the caregiving family members need to take a week or two off, and the elder moves in just for that short time. They told me very off it turns into the elder deciding to stay permanently. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you. </p>

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<p>Thank you for your insights. Cognitively, MIL is still pretty sharp - maybe just the beginning of dementia. Her only health issue is A Fib, and she has had cardioversion twice already for that. Her main physical issue is generalized weakness - she really struggles to get up from a chair, to walk (even with a walker), etc. MIL is a huge fall risk, thus the need for caregivers. MIL also makes terrible meal choices for herself, so a facility w/meals or a caregiver who prepares meals would really be a plus.</p>

<p>Initially, MIL rejected the idea of having caregivers at her condo, but that was when she thought she could go back to her condo without caregivers. Once it was laid out for her that she only had two choices: condo with caregivers or AL/nursing home, then she agreed to the condo w/caregivers. I also think part of the issue with her condo is that her hospitalization was sudden, and she really didn’t have an opportunity to have any farewell or closure at her condo. </p>

<p>If MIL wouldn’t like a caregiver, she would never fire them, but she would let one of her children know that she wasn’t happy. Family will be able to check in regularly, and I understand that the plan is to get her name on the AL waitlists at multiple facilities. </p>

<p>Both my parents passed away without need of any long-term care, so this is all new territory for me. Since DH is one of the more involved sibs, by default that involves me more than even some of the sibs. In fact, I was the one who stayed with her in the emergency room all day until MIL was admitted for this most recent hospitalization. All sibs had other plans/committments, although I had plans too!</p>

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<p>Hope everyone is hanging in there with their respective elders!
My latest dilemma is what to do with mom’s car. We had it looked at - had to get a battery just to get it to run- but then it turns out the underneath is all corroded and fragile and major brake and trans fluid leaks mean it needs close to what it’s worth just to get it road safe. so we need to get rid of it as is. Nice twist is that mom never took dad off the title. He’s been gone 17 years. Anyone else ever donate a car or scrap a car? How much trouble will the title cause?</p>

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<p>We planned to donate my dad’s car (he died 4 years ago today, the car then sat in the garage for 3 years) once we got mom out of the house. When an estate sale service came in to look at the house contents they expressed interest in the car, and said they would find a buyer who would deal with the lack of insurance, registration etc. They did find someone who offered an ok price. When I met them to transfer papers I brought a copy of his death certificate besides the car title. Seemed to go ok, at least I didn’t hear any more about it.
So, if someone still has a copy of your dad’s death certificate, the old title might not be a problem at all. Good luck.</p>

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<p>The car is a matter of state law. I had to act quickly about my dad’s car because I can’t store it anywhere without paying big bucks in Brooklyn (my stepmother’s son is preparing the house for sale and there’s a big dumpster in the driveway) so I just asked the lawyer who is handling my dad’s will. It was pretty simple but I did need his death certificate.</p>

<p>His car has some value (although I am fixing up the body before selling) but if not, NPR stations take donations of cars via the Car Talk radio program <a href=“http://www.cartalkvdp.com/”>Site Information; if you are so inclined.</p>

2988

<p>Re finding good aides: the discharge planning office at the rehab may have some suggestions for good agencies. If money isn’t an issue, an agency is a good way to go for a variety of reasons, especially because the aide on duty won’t leave until her relief arrives and they will find someone 24/7/365. Let them know it will likely be a long case and they will work hard to find the right person for you.</p>

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<p>My MIL is 82 years old and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer exactly. 2 years ago. She has done pretty well but is is declining sharply in the past month. She lives in her own home and her 53 year old (deadbeat) daughter with her own health issues is her primary caretaker. A hospital bed and wheelchair were just ordered and a home health aid was hired to assist her about 20 hours per week. I am concerned that my H is not involved enough in her care. I want him to go to some doctor appointments, help her with managing the house (bill paying , maintenance, etc) I think he wants his sister to be accountable as their mother is her only responsibility ( she would be indigent if not for their mother.) we both work full time, have kids,house , dog, etc) I am afraid that SIL is not up to the challenge and MIL isn’t getting the care she needs and deserves. I talk with H but tread carefully as it is a tough situation for all of us. Any experience navigating a situation like this? Thanks!</p>

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<p>Ime, when getting rid of a junker to one of those companies who take them off your hands, they know what paperwork is required in that state. I have my mother’s 22 y.o. car and (so far) it has been worth repairing (good body condition, etc. Safe. Independent mechanic who loves the brand.) Especially with my kids wanting transpo. </p>

2991

<p>Minnymom, my sympathies to you and your family at this difficult time. Some people have a very hard time dealing with the realities of death. Instead of making this about how much the sister is or isn’t doing for MIL, I would look at it from the perspective of will you or H have regrets for what you didn’t do for MIL in her final days.</p>

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<p>Cincy gal makes a good point about facing death. In my family, it seems to be more about what went on earlier in life. Could your H possibly have some resentment towards his mom or the sister that could be contributing to his current feelings? My sister has had no involvement with our parents since Dad stopped funding her. She seems to have a lot of resentment about that, and her complete ‘leave it up to little sis’ stance is now leading to some resentment on my part. Family dynamics can be so complicated. </p>

<p>The home health aide should be overseeing your MILs personal care. Has hospice been consulted? They might have some useful suggestions for everyone, on both practical and emotional matters. </p>

<p>Managing the house is another huge undertaking. Taking it on while caring for a loved one can be a nightmare. Are there other siblings or relatives that can be of any help or support? Best of luck to you.</p>

2993

<p>Minny- I do all the care for my mother with a bit of respite here & there when arranged. In my first few months life got much better once I realized the realities of the situation and that it was all on me 24/7/365. Maybe your DH just needs to confront the reality and then think about what Mom needs from him?</p>

2994

<p>I took over all the bills, and shifted to automatic payments. That took far less time than getting to doctor appointments.</p>

2995

<p>Well, the car is gone. There really was not much to it, in the end. The hardest part was mom accepting that her driving days are permanently over (although she hasn’t driven for a year) and that her beloved 18 year old car is gone. There were some deep sentimental attachments (quite justified) and it’s another reminder to her of how drastically her life has changed in the past year.</p>

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<p>@minny I have no experience in that particular case. Only experience I have makes me recommend that you step away and let your DH and his sis and Mom deal with it. If he ASKS you to help or your opinion, yes offer. But my experience says zip it until later. </p>

<p>@pschmomma , glad it wasn’t hard in the end. sorry that there has been cutting away of “life” . I felt sad for Mom when I sold her car, but OTOH I was so mad that A) she’d kept driving it and B) handyman thought he owned it that I was glad it was gone. Anger got me over sympathy pretty quickly actually. </p>

<p>@ somemom try to line up help or respite care. hugs to you for your hard job.</p>

<p>I found out today that the attorney who did my guardianship for me did NOT file the inventory as required 30 days after the guardianship was granted. Guess it IS my fault because I should have seen a piece of paper, but I let it slip. She now says there will be no penalties, but dang if I am going to have her help me with the yearly required report. It is easy to get overwhelmed and last year I certainly was. Still not happy with that law office. </p>

2997

<p>DD’s graduation events with family here (two bedrooms of house guests and two hotel rooms) arriving Thursday and early Friday and staying through until Memorial Day Monday actually went as well as I had anticipated. My sis and BIL came for two nights.</p>

<p>When we sat down at DD’s graduation dinner at Logan’s (one of few places in town that would take reservations on Fri night) DH agreed he did nothing on any planning. Logan’s did a great job with the meal and ambiance. We brought a lovely two layer (rasberry filled) cake with butter cream frosting (Publix - for those in FL and adjoining states who have Publix grocery store chain from FL) - that I had picked out with DD. Cake was decorated mainly for graduate but also had 35 and 60 on two corners. We had both the 35th and 60th papal blessings for all to see.</p>

<p>When I was in chemotherapy in 2010, I asked DH to pick up a birthday cake for DD2 and he picked up a horrible one from Kroger - he never asked where to get the cake (and never noticed where I got good cakes). We will never forget that terrible cake!</p>

<p>It was such a relief to have graduation done and company gone - we enjoyed all the festivities and meals. I worked my tail off getting the house ready and also with the meals I served. We also had family pictures made at JCPenney’s. My in-laws only had a nice 8 X 10 of them for their 50th as I had them made here 10 years ago. We had two photo sessions for their 60th wedding anniversary and also family gathering - Friday and Sunday. I am buying most of the photos to provide to everyone. The one brother who brought the parents down does a lot; the other two brothers always cry ‘poor’ - one has a new motor home, and the other has a paid for house. The younger brother that cries poor has his wife pretty much dictating what he can and can’t do. The older brother and his wife are both morbidly obese (he has graduated to pills now shots for diabetes - has to take a shot with every meal, all weight related) so they spend a lot on medical, and his wife continues to smoke even though her mother’s leg veins were terrible due to smoking and both her parents died younger due to smoking/medical complications in their 70’s - this DH’s brother and SIL have so many medical issues now at age 59. Their only child, 23 year old son will have it tough with their continuing medical and early deaths. The Penney photos were only $4 a sheet but still my SIL said they don’t have the money to spend on pictures…ugh!</p>

<p>We also ate out one other night - BIL and SIL paid for their three meals (that was their idea of ‘splitting the bill’) and we paid for other seven. I would rather have paid for all than this situation.</p>

<p>DH’s mom wants a Pampered Chef Panini pan (I used it on the last step of cooking Johnsonville Bratwurst and she could see herself using it at her house) - so that will finish off the year of purchases for them. We absorbed all the costs for the Papal Blessing too (including very nice mat and frame).I know there will be some kind of gathering in WI in Sept for MIL and FIL’s actual wedding anniversary - BIL that brought them down will make all the arrangements, and he can figure out how to squeeze any money out of the two ‘broke’ brothers, LOL. We are DONE!</p>

<p>DH’s mom loves her grand-daughters, so I am the great dau-in-law that made that happen (she has one other grand-dau).</p>

<p>There are some characteristics of my mother’s that I choose to utilize - when something is important enough, dig your heels in! Mom also had incredible faith too. My mother has some mental illness issues, but the positive characteristics stand out for me; I could compensate for the negative and also was patient on limitations she put on me. My dad was a wonderful father - someone my DH can emulate when he thinks about it. DH is very sensitive about his father’s shortcomings.</p>

<p>MIL was (and still is) very hard working - now retired for many years from full time teacher and full time homemaker to four boys, with a husband who worked minimum wage and expected wife to serve him. So even though DH and I have been a couple since we were 20, the home pattern had been set for H to do less and dump on wife. I found the more I did, the more was expected, and not totally appreciated for my effort.</p>

<p>DD1 and DD2 have different combination of both DH and me - in appearance, academic talents,musical talents, and in likes and personalities. I am very social. DH is social with engineers, people involved in rocketry, but otherwise is quite withdrawn. DH hates being on college campuses. I am very comfortable on college campus.</p>

<p>6 a.m. Tuesday, DD2 and I were on the road to DD’s college orientation (two day). Now catching up on laundry and getting DD’s ready for their summer travels (one for work, one for study abroad). A mother’s work is never done…will have a great sigh of relief with empty nest!</p>

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<p>When FIL was here, we rented a wheel chair (they didn’t have room in car for his) and also purchased a toilet plastic seat lift with handles - which made things much better for FIL. I found items via calling medical supply store that was convenient to H to pick up items over lunch hour. FIL needed the left hand rail, so he climbed up our garage steps coming in, and exited down our front steps (both of these stairways have just one hand rail).</p>

<p>FIL’s stroke was due to almost full blockage of one carotid artery; he had an earlier stroke and his MDs somehow missed ever listening to his carotid arteries. W/O MIL, FIL could not live alone.</p>

2999

<p>I am a bit of a lurker on thus thread but thought I would post my situation. I have been inspired by so many of you dealing with situations much more trying than my own. </p>

<p>My mother just turned 79 and is recovering from a very difficult hip replacement revision surgery with significant bone grafting. she has had a total of 3 hip replacement surgeries (left and right) and both knees replaced. My father died 19 months ago and my mother is still grieving his loss (as am I). </p>

<p>My mother lives in a large 4 bedroom home about half an hour from my home and from my brother’s (only sibling). She has hoarding tendencies, and 2 of the 4 bedrooms as well as the basement are filled with her belongings and unusable. The rest of the house is ok. My brother does not like being there because of the clutter and has made that very clear to my mom. Shortly after my dad died he began strongly suggesting yo my mom that she sell the house and move closer to us. She had/has no interest and was very hurt at the time that he started pushing the idea so shortly after our dad’s death. She said she liked her home and her friends where she was and didn’t want to be rushed into being an old person just because she was now a widow. </p>

<p>Immediately after discharge from the hospital after my mom’s most recent hip surgery, I took 2 weeks off of work and moved in with her to care for her. She then hired a live-in caregiver for 5 days/week with me staying with her one weekend day & night and my brother the other. Her recovery has had setbacks and is not going too well. She is still in a wheelchair a good part of the time and a walker the rest. She is 3 months post op. </p>

<p>My brother has reached his limit. He no longer wishes to spend one day of his week at my mom’s driving her to errands and helping her with things she cannot yet do. We had a discussion today where he said “if she has to sit in that house all alone and in pain for her to realize that she needs to move out of that house then so be it.” Though I, too, am growing weary of the routine I am agreeable to continuing for a couple months more in the hopes that she will soon recover her physical independence. She, too, is anxious to “get her life back.”</p>

<p>My question is this: how much, if at all, do I involve myself in the arrangement my brother has with my mom to help her out one day a week? I try and stay out of it and let two of them work it out. Each of them talks to me about the other (she will comment to me that he only stayed half the day, left for two hours to go golf, etc., and he will call me and complain about what a ridiculous situation this all is and how it can’t go on much longer etc) I know he is trying to convince me that we should both pull back on our willingness to assist her so that she is forced to make a change in her situation. I feel that we should each do what we are able, even if we differ on what that may be. I suspect he feels that I am enabling her. I however am hopeful that she will get through this recovery and proceed with regaining her mobility and recreating a new life without my dad. I have no intention of oicking up my brother’s day. I work full time and need at least one day a week home with my family. If my brother decides he can’t )continue with his day with my mom then she will have to have get her live-in 6 days a week instead of 5. </p>

<p>In a conversation today my brother likened my mom to an old car with one thing failing after the other. That even if she recovers well enough from this surgery to do well for a while that it is only a matter of time before the next thing goes out. He insists the only solution is to convince her to move out of her house closer to us. I am not against that option but I do feel that my mother should have the option to remain in her home for the long term with live in care should she choose to since she has the financial wherewithal to do so. Part of me thinks my brother’s motivation is more convenience for him since he has said so often that he hates going to her house, hates the drive and thinks it would be so much easier for everyone if she were only 5 min away instead of 30. </p>

<p>I know this is a long post and is a bit if a vent, but any thoughts? </p>

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<p>@ensmom this is a good place to vent, everyone is very kind and supportive. </p>

<p>My mom continued in her large hoarding-fill homed for 3 years after my dad died, but her issues were dementia-related, not physical. When I was finally considering at-home care vs. assisted living (in a dementia unit), it turned out the AL was actually the better financial option, Also, clearing out and selling the home gave her an additional financial cushion, instead of continuing to pay for its upkeep and real estate taxes. </p>

<p>But your mom is a much more recent widow. Is she able to be socially active at all in her current situation? If not, an AL, or even senior apartment complex might give her more opportunity to connect with other seniors. </p>

<p>Your brother may be rushing things, but he does have some valid points. Your mom won’t be able to get her exact same life back, since her husband is gone and her health has deteriorated. It may be time to consider the conveniences of an AL: three prepared meals a day, shuttles to shopping and doctor visits, hairdresser on site, scheduled outings. Some senior apartment complexes provide many of those things also. It will be a different life than she had with your dad, but it can still be enjoyable. </p>

<p>Good luck to you. </p>