<p>Amen to all of that! As another long time lurker I have to say that this thread has been invaluable throughout the last year and a half of broken hip, ER visits, dementia diagnosis, rehabs, specialists, procedures, and a final certain amount of resignation. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to write their stories and offer their advice. You are my heroes.</p>
<p>@3togo, I am so grateful that you started this thread. My college quest with my daughter and finding CC started at around the same time as things started getting difficult and complicated with my dad and stepmother, and I will never forget the kindness and helpfulness of posters here.</p>
<p>The very best to you and your family for a peaceful (and short!) final chapter for your mom.</p>
<p>I feel like i’m still de-stressing from my mom’s visit here. As predicted she reduced the home health agency to two hours, two days a week. Reality is she does not do a thing for herself so she’s probably assuming everyone will fill in the gaps. I will not. I said I’d be up in July to help clear the place out after it’s sold. And that’s it. </p>
<p>Still waiting to hear if she was accepted into the senior housing complex, her house closes late July so if not she needs to find someplace acceptable to her. </p>
<p>I’m trying to help my sister not feel so guilty and tortured and upset at everything. I can’t really say why I don’t, I just figure that she’s always had to control everything and she reaps the consequences of her decisions. She’s so stubborn there is no “making” her do anything that makes sense. </p>
<p>I logged in to comment on a different thread and wanted to stop by here (after a long hiatus). Mom just turned 88 and has been in a memory care unit of senior residence for 8 months now. The first 3 months were a nightmare, she tried to leave and packed her belongings constantly. They put her on multiple medications; Risperdal, Aricept and several others that seemed to make her worse. She had hallucinations and the dead were alive again. Then things slowly calmed down. She was transitioned to Seroquel and Exelon which seemed to reduce the hallucinations. She doesn’t try to leave anymore, and feels at home in her room. The staff and residents are her family now, but she still recognizes us when we visit. I guess I’m trying to offer some hope to people wondering if things ever let up. Our big challenge now are falls. She falls at least one a week because she doesn’t remember to use the walker. Thank you so much for starting this thread 3togo. </p>
<p>I’d also like to thank you, @3togo for starting this thread. I have lurked here since the beginning as my Mom has Alzheimer’s as well and sounds like she is at a similar stage as yours. In the past 4 years she’s gone from living independently (but not well) in a home to Assisted Living to the skilled nursing floor of a nursing home. I recently finished cleaning out her home & sold it which was both time consuming and emotionally draining. It’s been devastating to see the cognitive decline in someone who is so well educated and was once so productive. As many of you have described, this situation has exacerbated issues between myself and my siblings which has just added to my stress and sadness. Despite truly great support from my spouse, I often feel so alone in this process. I work in healthcare and will never view caregiving in the same way again. </p>
<p>Hugs to you mom squad, welcome back</p>
<p>My MIL passed away 2 days ago after a 2 year battle with pancreatic cancer. She has an estate plan and named my H trustee but her affairs are a mess. She owns 2 underwater homes and it appears that she has a chapter 13 bankruptcy. Her daughter lives in the primary residence and has NO financial resources at age 53. She is hostile and irrational towards H. We have hired an attorney and are trying to piece a picture of the estate finances together. My poor H is dealing more with his sister and estate than grieving for his mother. We also must provide a large catered memorial as MIL was very active in the community but there appears to be little in the way of life insurance to cover expenses. MIL gave a couple very small policies to SIL and nothing to H- which is fine as we are financially stable and SIL is destitute, but out of pocket costs are mounting. What a sad mess!</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss, Minnymom. I’m wondering if there is a trusted friend who might help you pull together the memorial, since MIL was so active in the community. In some communities, people are glad to supply food for the meal at the memorial-- would that be a possibility?</p>
<p>The issue with your SIL’s home having to be sold out from under her sounds sad and difficult. And your SIL’s hostility is no doubt compounded because she too is grieving for her mother.</p>
<p>Momsquad- thanks for the update. I know some of those steps and they can be a challenge. My mother did not have dementia, but falls dictated her quality of life in the last 3 years and MIL’s ongoing propensity for falling has put her in a nursing home as of last week. Very challenging all around. </p>
<p>Cashel- you have done so much. Cleaning out houses is extra hard. There is also the grief we all face with diminishing lives. Are there any support groups for care givers near you? My father’s memory care unit has a once a month evening meeting. There are guest speakers on relevant topics on occasion, but mostly it is a chance to share experiences, learn from each other and get support. I have found it worthwhile, especially when I am weary. </p>
<p>Minnymom- Condolences on your family’s loss. Very complicated all around. Hard to have a sibling in one of the houses without options. This is going to be a process. I wish you all the best. </p>
<p>My MIL has “flunked” (her words) returning to assisted living with her spouse (who requires no care at 90- he is our hero) after 3 months in rehab, as she is not able to ambulate and has some cognitive decline due to physical challenges. Of course, the skilled professionals first discharged her to AL so that her spouse could be panicked and she could be found on the floor by hired private care staff, having fallen out of bed. Place initially said they thought spouse could handle her return and then said, oops we can’t keep her here- it takes 2 people to get her to the lav and we aren’t staffed for that. Duh! She was in their rehab for 3 months and apparently no one knew she couldn’t stand after a back fracture due to a fall. DH and I are going to help spouse pack and move to a small IL studio. It is poignant .</p>
<p>I’m so sorry, Minny. I can only imagine the stress surrounding each issue - individually, tough, but in combination, much much harder. It seems like the daughter should have been eyeing the future 2 years ago, given your MIL 's diagnosis. Lots of strength to you as each hurdle is accomplished. </p>
<p>Thanks for all of your support and suggestions. Our mantra regarding the estate and my SIL is that it is all “business”. If we take care of all the estate business properly, it will help her in the long run. We have an attorney and the trust, so they will guide us.</p>
<p>H wants to make sure SIL gets her due from the estate and to locate resources to tap into regarding housing, food, etc. He says he WILL NOT provide her financial support, but I really wonder if he could handle her potentially being homeless at some point down the road. I believe she has mental illness and won’t accept treatment, so it is extremely stressful.</p>
<p>Have any of you used estate liquidators to close out a home? Most likely the home will go back to the bank and we are not sure of how fast the timeline will move. There is a lifetime of stuff in the house. We want my SIL to take items to set up a household when she finds some type of housing, then we plan to sell/donate most everything else. When my parents passed in another state, we hired estate liquidators to close out the home. I am sure we did not get the full value of what their items were worth, but the ease and stress relief it provided were definitely worth it to us.</p>
<p>Like others, I sure appreciate the opportunity to vent and to get helpful ideas. Is there another thread regarding dealing with family members that suffer from mental illness? It is such a prevalent issue and one our society has to face.</p>
<p>We used estate liquidators for one of my grandmother’s houses … actually after the last of my aunt and uncle (sibs) who lived there died. We absolutely got less than if we had slugged through selling everything … .however it was infinitely quicker and easier to have someone else do it. In this case there were a couple nice pieces of furniture but otherwise there was nothing worth a lot in the home. The liquidators also cleaned out the basement and attic so that was also a huge plus. PS - before letting the liquidators in we had removed some valuable things like the coin collection.</p>
<p>@3togo I also want to thank you for starting this thread. Wish I found the forum in general and this thread in particular last year when I was in the throes of college-searching and mother-moving. </p>
<p>@minnymom after 6 months of doing our own clean-out of my mother’s house, we had an estate sales service market, price and run the sale and cleanout. Because the cleanout was so expensive (mom and dad were hoarders), our final “profit” was only about $400, and that included starting out with a nice $2500 for the sale of her car. The service also deducted for advertising (less than $200 as I recall) and then took 32% of the sales. </p>
<p>During our long summer of working on the house, we visited 3 estate sales in our area. At one of the them, the sales people were off-putting, at another the prices seemed too high, no one would buy anything, and finally we chose the one we did because while I know Colleen was still making a profit, her prices were reasonable and she seemed to have more of the “I’ll help you through this” attitude than the “I’m looking to make a buck” attitude. </p>
<p>I’m not sure we would have made as much if we had tried to do it on our own. Colleen put the word out to her contacts that there were 60s vintage toys to be had, and people drove 2 or 3 hours to buy Fred Flintstone and Jetsons toys. That’s how the big money was made (besides the car). None of the china and very little of the furniture sold at all. One of my cousin’s sons wanted one set of china, the rest all got donated. </p>
<p>All of my and my sisters 70s vintage formal gowns did sell, I think because the sale ended up being held in late October. I like to think those dresses had a great time at some Halloween parties. </p>
<p>I’m sorry you and your husband are in this very stressful situation. Once it’s over, it’s such a relief. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>What can be done for a loved one who is addicted to day trading on the market, even tho he has already blown through millions, including over $800K of his son’s? He’s still considered fully competent, but it is scary how much and fast he loses (but never connects it–only sees his gains). He admits he’s a gambler and finds this great fun! As a defense, his W only invests in fixed income, bonds, and CDs, as she knows he"s very speculative.</p>
<p>Is this an older person? How does he have access to his son’s money? How old is the son?</p>
<p>Yes, he is older but he and the adult S are business partners. I think he was “helping invest” the profit-sharing for their business, but he can’t buy and hold, has to keep flipping and incurring commissions and other costs. It’s painful to watch and hear about, so mostly we just try to ignore it. The S is nearly 60, but fortunately the S has significant assets of his own that can’t be touched by his dad and will provide a very comfortable retirement for the S.</p>
<p>Any chance this person may be bi-polar or manic? That kind of behavior sometimes is part of the symptoms that accompany these diagnosis. I ask as that may impact options for addressing the problem. Perhaps Gamblers Anonymous would have resources for coping with/intervening with compulsive gambling. How difficult this must be for all.</p>
<p>He doesn’t see his behavior as a problem and believes he’s very successful. Can’t see this changing for the better at any point. Thanks for your thoughts and suggestion. </p>
<p>Does his son know what’s going on with the company’s money?</p>
<p>Yea. <sigh> Very tough situation. :(</sigh></p>