<p>If hospice is in place, the hospice doctor would be giving the orders on diet, which would probably be food only as desired especially if the patient is near death. It’s tempting to push food on a dying person but it’s really an unkindness. Skilled nursing staff would know that, and should follow doctor’s orders in any case. That’s a general statement, and you’re right, we don’t know all the facts in this case.</p>
<p>HImom, is there a hospice facility near your “virtual friend”? Medicare will cover the cost at a hospice facility, (this may vary from state to state), but it is covered in CT. If the hospital is not abiding by the Advanced Directive they can be brought up on legal charges. It sounds as if the family is so upset. There should be a social worker or advocate through hospice that they can speak with.</p>
<p>My dad was in hospice in the hospital, and Medicare covered all, as it would have if he went to a freestanding hospice facility.</p>
<p>In my state - CA - hospice nurses and hospice services are covered but NOT hospice facilities. In other words, hospice fees for home visits, counseling and needed care are covered but if you choose to have your loved one resided at a hospice facility, the facility costs are out of pocket. At least that’s how it worked with my dad. IIRC, the facility fee was about $3000/month.</p>
<p>Ok, I looked it up:
<a href=“http://www.medicare.gov/pubs/pdf/02154.pdf”>http://www.medicare.gov/pubs/pdf/02154.pdf</a></p>
<p>I guess because my dad had his stroke when he was already in the hospital and his living will forbade a feeding tube or other measures to preserve his life, his life span was short enough that his care in the hospital or a nursing home with hospice beds was covered. (He died less than a week after the stroke.)</p>
<p>Sorry for the confusion.</p>
<p>Hope people are enjoying good weather and graduations and their parents are behaving.</p>
<p>Anyone have any suggestions for handling the “romance” aspect of your charge? Mom LOVES attention and especially male attention. She is also still sneaky enough to cover her tracks and lie to me. She has an old admirer that I am not sure admires her or her farm more, but he was her neighbor for a long time. Before we got her into AL, she was spending nights at his house while telling me she hated him.
He had taken her out of the facility several times and each time is a disaster, sometimes small … sitting in wet paint, sometimes large … leaving purse in restaurant so I banned him from taking her out. She knows this. So I call her every day and she never ever mentions his name. Says she is doing nothing. … Today in talking to the medical staff (who do not like the guy) … he has been visiting nearly every day and staying longer and longer. She gets exhausted. The staff also is creeped out by finding them in “a compromising situation”, but determined that it was consensual. (gak) I feel like a Mom with a teen to try to control and convince not to lie to get herself in bigger trouble. </p>
<p>Any tips? any ideas for what to do? I don’t think she can give him anything because the trust and the guardianship have her finances locked down really tight. Most she can do is spend $14 a day feeding him at the place. </p>
<p>I hate to add to your problems, but the rate of STD’s and HIV is increasing in the elderly population. Many AL facilities offer training to staff and info sessions to their clients. I think that you mentioned in previous posts that this man was undesirable? I have forgotton if your mom is under a conservatorship? If you and the staff are concerned, can you have them refuse to let him visit?</p>
<p>esobay, I understand if it creeps you out, but really, what’s the harm? Obviously she wants to see him enough that she lies about it. I think if it were me, I would try to tolerate it in the interest of mom not feeling conflicted and telling me the truth. What do you and the medical staff not like about him? Or maybe I am missing something?</p>
<p>I think esobay’s Mom’s suitor has been financially abusive.
So, esobay, you moved her to AL in her town for a sense of continuity. Can you move her to your or your sibling’s town, just get her away from him?</p>
<p>Perhaps the AL facility would set a visiting time limit. </p>
<p>There was just a story in the paper (WSJ?) the other day about AL/nursing home facilities grappling with these issues. More are coming down (reasonably, I think) on the allowing patients to make choices and giving them privacy. </p>
<p>Since this gentleman cannot get control of her property, is there a problem if he makes her happy? Shouldn’t the elderly have moments of intimacy if desired? I think the ethical issue is whether she can give consent for an intimate relationship. I would have a non-judgmental discussion with her pros and cons of such a relationship and come to a mutual decision about the kind of relationship she would like to have with this man. It seems just trying to keep him away is probably not the best solution. </p>
<p>Very elderly people have been known to run off and get married. What would that do to the money lockdown?</p>
<p>But even if they don’t do that, can he take proper care of her off-campus? </p>
<p>Esobay- not an easy situation. If it were me, I’d be trying to set up lines of communication around this issue. Elders have rights to this type of affiliation if it is deemed mutual. If her judgment is poor and so is this man’s intent, then perhaps she is not most appropriate for an assisted living environment at this point. If it wasn’t him, it could easily be someone else. In a higher level of care, there may be a greater ability to minimize this, have visits only in public spaces, etc. I apologize for not having her full health status in my head; this may be an irrelevant suggestion. </p>
<p>My father with severe memory loss had a dear woman friend with a similar status and in AL, they did “take naps” together. The staff determined it was a caring, mutual relationship. A few months after this started, they were both candidates for the skilled nursing home memory care unit. Between their increasing age, cognitive declines and the new, more supervised environment, they are now content to hold hands at meals. </p>
<p>It is good that the staff can be in touch with you about this and perhaps you can have some dialog with your mother that is matter of fact listening, hoping that she will develop more comfort sharing things with you. I always find it better to know how someone is thinking about things, even though at times, it is awkward. </p>
<p>Best with this. </p>
<p>Am I recalling accurately, did EsoBay get a conservatorship? If so, then Mom is not capable of decisions like this and he has been taking financial advantage for quite some time as he is what prompted the conservatorship. Now, he may see it that he loves her and she let him live at her place and he is entitled, but yes, whomever above mentioned marriage, I do think he could take her out and marry her. Yes, the conservator may be able to fight that, but what a pain.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong. I think a late-life relationship can be a wonderful thing. Several romances have blossomed at Mom’s AL, including a marriage (not an elopement; family was on board). But if the parent is not fully competent, the child and the facility need to be aware of possible problems and head them off. I’d be especially leery of him taking her out. Besides elopement risk and nefarious motives, can he keep her safe? Could he handle an emergency? What kind of driver is he? Does he have a cell so that someone could get in touch with him if they were out too long? </p>
<p>So Sorry to throw that out there, then run off and not answer. I DO appreciate the comments! I found out about the guy coming around and staying too long just before we got in the car to drive to get DS’s apartment of stuff and move him home. He hung around after his (early) graduation to say good bye to the people who graduated the next weekend. Then we were busy loading the trailer and driving home. I didn’t have time to check in while on the road. </p>
<p>I had thrown out the question because I needed to think about it before I talked to Mom about it. Different view points PLUS venting really helps me out. (thanks!)</p>
<p>So to answer a few questions, this is not her handy man who DID steal and take advantage of her badly. This is our old (as in he was our neighbor when I was in middle school (mumble 50 mumble years ago) so old in age and old as in long time known. Mom didn’t LIKE him as a neighbor and always tried to buy him out. If you think of a square with a little square cut out of one side, that is the relationship to our farm and his house. In the past, he wanted to date her, but his wife wasn’t dead then although she was in a nursing home for 4 years or so. Finally after his wife passed and when Mom was getting (literally!) weak-minded, she started going out with him and was sleeping over, according to one of her best friends who told me all this as I was trying to get Mom moved into AL and get rid of problems. He is only a problem in the summer as he goes to Arizona every winter.</p>
<p>I DID ban him (yes I have guardian/conservator and am the trustee for Mom’s stuff) I stopped him from taking her out of the AL place because it just was a mess every time he did it! And he is not thinking so well himself IMHO. So I don’t think he can get her to sign anything that would be permanent, and I don’t think they can go to the court house. But when I say Mom is weak-minded … she will always say or do whatever she thinks you want to hear. So even though she is tired of his company and just plain tired, if the staff asks her if she is OK, she will say Oh YES. And the staff said he sat and talked to her for 6 hours on Wednesday. She didn’t invite him back to the apartment so they were sitting there in the lobby/sitting room open area all that time. Also, it bothers me that the staff doesn’t like him. </p>
<p>When the nurse reported the incident of finding them in a “compromising position” (I don’t even want to know gak) I asked her to find out how consensual it was because knowing that Mom loves male attention, I thought What could it hurt? But then Mom doesn’t mention that he is there almost every day. And seemed really tired lately. She certainly won’t admit that he wants anything except her company… </p>
<p>Anyway when I called her and just asked how much time she was spending with him, first she said “I don’t spend any time with him, you know I don’t like him.” Then I said the staff said he was there all day early in the week and they thought it made you too tired. She said “well, I’ll be more firm in telling him not to come” (she is always the “I have to wash my hair” excuse girl. Not the No Thanks person. </p>
<p>Anyway, I don’t trust her to tell me if he is trying to take advantage of her in more than keeping him company. I think the staff might have mentioned something to the Dr. because there was a recent blood draw which was out of step with the normal 3 month check. (maybe checking for the STD? IDK). </p>
<p>So it is frustrating and confusing about the best thing to do. We do leave her in the home town because other old friends do try to stop in and see her. I can’t have her anywhere nearer to me on pain of divorce and my brother is already having my Dad (parents long divorced) living with him. I wouldn’t saddle his wife with BOTH, and Mom is the obnoxious one anyway. When she gets to be less herself, then maybe we can move her closer to one of us. I did live through Grandma no knowing anyone and keep expecting Mom to get there sometime. </p>
<p>I will ask the staff again if they have strong concerns and I will ban him if they do. I can’t figure out why he wants to spend so much time with her, other than he likes to talk talk talk and she doesn’t stop him apparently. </p>
<p>But I was burned (or she was actually) by the handy man who got her to give him money and sign fake receipts and she didn’t tell me about those things when asked either. So I am once burned twice shy…</p>
<p>The AL place is just now building a new Memory Care unit , to be opened in 2015, I think Mom will be a perfect candidate for it by then. Right now… I am not sure. She still gets up and dressed and likes to try to boss people that are worse off than she is. She still won’t let them do her laundry. She doesn’t have access to much money, just enough for getting her hair done and buying laundry detergent and toilet paper (both stock piled now enough for a year at least). The front desk keeps it safe for her and lets me know when she gets low. They will not keep more than $150 on hand at any one time, which lasts about a month, give or take. </p>
<p>It doesn’t seem like your mom is going to be able to set limits, and the staff will need to do that on her behalf. Maybe ask them to kick him out after an hour, or limit his visits to twice a week. Or you could talk to them about banning him altogether. Mom’s AL did that once. </p>
<p>I like the idea of kicking him out after an hour(maybe 2?) if he wears her out. But as for motives, maybe they both just enjoy each other’s company? Or any one-on-one company, that any company is better than no company? Maybe you could ask her every week if she is getting tired of him and tell her (try be really neutral!) that just in case he is, you can get rid of him? Also, ask the staff what bothers them about him, for sure! Hope they will tell you.</p>
<p>As the world Turns (is that show still on? used to be a code word for “Drama Approaching” way back in college)</p>
<p>Las Ma I think you are right, Mom can’t set limits anymore. </p>
<p>Yesterday I talked to her and suggested that she engage the front desk to help keep him away. Today when I first got on the phone with her, she told me that she had done that. She also tried to find out why I asked about him and asked if the office had complained because he was sleeping over.(ah first I’d heard of THAT!) And also said that he just showed up in her apartment (which is almost always locked if she isn’t there… she is obsessive about it). But at the end of the 20 minutes of talking she said she was going to write him a letter saying for him not to visit. So I can’t tell if she actually did ask the front desk for help or not.
I’ll be there in person next week and will talk to the staff then. One of the nicer front desk people said that she welcomes him when he visits.</p>
<p>She has done this to me before, she told me her housekeeper wasn’t working hard enough, was bringing her son over and blah blah blah. So I called and fired the lady while Mom was sitting right there. The next week Mom told me she hired her back and told her what an ogre I am so that lady thinks I abuse Mom by trying to keep her “friends” away. ummm no. I am somewhat worried that this is happening again, but I also think Mom is feeling more pressure to entertain him than she wants, so I’ll try to limit it or make it stop. </p>
<p>Thank goodness my kids are past this stage which I think is like early teen years with dating looming! LOL</p>