<p>My twist- I’m in New England, my mother’s idea was to move to GA, to be near an 80 year old cousin, thinking he would “help” her. Then he had health issues and she smelled the coffee. Then it was NC, because some D of a hs friend lives in Northern VA. (Huh?) Now it’s Tucson- which actually is feasible- not for me, but my brother is in S CA and he’d get POA, etc. But, she wants to move all of her cluttered 2 BR, rather than pare down now and move into a cheaper 1BR in independent living. When I talk rationally, she tells me I’m talking to her as if she were a child. She’s got leg and knee issues and I said, but if you had listened to me, you would have started that therapy a year ago and not be in this complicated therapy mess. No dementia, some memory issues- but mostly a stubborn personality that will complicate anything, if it gives her a sense of her own free will, control, and independence. </p>
<p>It’s tough,I think parents either need to stay in the town where they have lots of resources, for example, one set of parents we know have lived in the same home for 60 years, have a larger religiously affiliated social group with whom they have interacted since they moved there. There are others in that group their age and 10-20 years younger, The group provides social history, a place to interact at least once a week as desired, and the group checks up on each other.</p>
<p>Or parents need to move near the child of choice, if the chips are down, it is kids you are calling. Another set of parents we know tried to stay in their retirement town for a few years after he was stricken with serious health issues, but the wife had not driven in 10+ years, they could not do it. The husband fought the move, the wife made it happen when he got out of the hospital and was in a weakened state, not fair, but brilliant. They, too, flew first class. Interesting how many choose to do that. He was grumpy upon arrival, but a few months later admitted to being happy to be within an easy drive of two of his knot ids and many grandkids, whereas there was no immediate family in the prior area,</p>
<p>That being said, I don’t know how you force someone to do that other than letting the person flounder and suffer with no help from afar in order to prove your point. We have a parent who is not making decisions we agree with, but it is his life to lead, he does not have dementia, though does have some of the changes of old age, but nothing that would give us the power to make him do anything we want him to do. So, what is my choice? We have tried for decades to suggest things, no interest on their part, so I think we should let him live the life he chooses until such a time as he cannot any longer.</p>
<p>Well, the sex talk was sort of a non-event. Mom had convinced herself (not me, though) that she had told the guy and had told the front desk (in writing!) not to have him visit anymore. The RN tried to find out if the sex (if sex it was, it might have just been a nap). was consensual and Mom danced around it, but I think it was clear that YES it was! Mom is a people pleaser though and can get pressured into things that she later regrets. And that was the main point of my trip up there. The RN will block the guy from visiting. Mom was very forceful that that was what she wanted. </p>
<p>For those moving parents … we opted to leave Mom in her home town. At first, she did have lots of visitors and someone would take her to her old church. Now, not so much. For one thing, she has gone down hill a bit more in memory and she knows it. So she won’t talk on the phone because she doesn’t want to get caught not remembering something that was said last week. She still can cover with quick visits though. My BIL was pleased at how with it she seemed. He saw her last Nov. She is in many ways better than when she went into the AL place because of getting her pills, food and just enough socialization. Eventually, I think we will move her to an AL place nearer to my brother. It is just good to have eyes on any place, example last month when I found out her TV wasn’t hooked up. </p>
<p>Professional estate sale was HUGE for us, but it also helped that we took pictures of the “stuff” DH was good about that. Now anyone can look at pics and have memories just like looking at the stuff made memories come alive. </p>
<p>I regret letting Mom flounder for the year after I really knew that she needed more help. I couldn’t get my brother on board then, though. And Mom is really stubborn, so at that time I might not have been able to make it happen. After she had her knee surgery, though, she never went home again. Straight from re-hab to the AL place. So sometimes a crisis is a good thing and a way to make something better happen. I was surprised that this trip Mom said she was actually pretty happy at the AL place. She likes her “routine” and the “girls” are nice to her. The girls include the staff and the other women that are about her level mentally. There are people who are much more independent and people much worse off than she is so I think it is worked out pretty well. She will have been there two years in November.</p>
<p>I’m glad you mentioned the professional estate sale, eso. For us, this was one of those things it was well worth paying someone else to do. We had enough on our plate without adding that. </p>
<p>DH and I have done the elder care role from 2 hours away, locally and 1500 miles away. Locally has been our preferred option. My very frail MIL (91) lives the long distance away. She hung on in AL until recently, only due to her husband’s miraculous health status and temperament. She spent 100 days in rehab after a severe fall, couldn’t regroup and needs long term skilled nursing care. Her H had to move to an independent apt and she is adjusting to being separated, losing her independence, etc. We went down to help, but 5 days barely makes a dent in navigating this. She is expressing regret for not moving near us and both are emotionally overwhelmed. 9 years ago her health issues began in earnest and their nature made a move that far life threatenng. The ship of choice had sailed. </p>
<p>Every situation is different. My folks were 2 hours away and 10 years ago moved 25 minutes from us. Within a month of arriving, my mother’s terminal cancer diagnosis was made. We had a great 16 months, and it mean everything to each of us. When elders move because they need care, no matter how far from their former home they go, it is a fresh start. Fewer peers are healthy, alive, local or driving, </p>
<p>Relationships, sib involvement and health status all obviously impact what is best. The kicker can be that health status and availability of local support can both be moving targets. This is so tough and no crystal balls. Best with the decisions.</p>
<p>My friend’s mother also had knee surgery, went into rehab from the hospital and then just into AL and has stayed there and loves. That seems to be a good way to sneak them into checking AL without realizing it.</p>
<p>I have read all your help- VERY useful and I am checking on all of the suggestions. Called my brother tonight to discuss- he is thankfully on board with moving her near me and visiting when he wants and he can stay with us. He thinks I am rushing things. I am going to go visit some places this weekend to at least get started on this and be ready. I feel there will be somehow a sign that says ‘do it now’ but mother has to be on board which will be difficult in that she mentioned it in the past , then stays up all night , calls me the next day and changes her mind to look at them. But that was in her town with dwindling support. This will be here with more support. Thank you, Thank you. I knew you all would come through for me in the quick help and ideas.</p>
<p>rockymthigh - I moved my parents with mild AD, down here, 25 minutes away from me, to a CCRC. I often wish it was closer. I do think parents should move near a child, as if even there are friends and resources in their home town, the child will need to coordinate. About getting them to move, it really takes all the siblings, in my case me and my brother, to visit together and develop a timeline for moving. The word “later” or the excuse of needing to wait until x were not accepted in our timeline. Fortunately, my parents chose the place they moved to as they were visiting facilities near me. I could not have done everything I need to do, primary is social support, from a farther distance. Having them near me is a joy, but tedious as well. </p>
<p>As to the move, it was a disaster. I didn’t stay involved as my dad made it sound like everything was under control. Big mistake. Please heed fellow CCers and hire a professional! </p>
<p>I found many CCRC’s would take an assessment from a doctor for admission. It’s probably not a good way of doing things as the doctor really doesn’t know what the functional status really is. </p>
<p>That’s really true, GT, about not waiting. By the time it’s evident that a move is necessary, it is too late to do it in any kind of organized, non - crazy manner. </p>
<p>I just had ‘up close and personal’ look at where MIL and FIL are, at age 85 (DH and DD were on camping trip). Some of FIL’s personality is negative, and I am trying to clue DH in to not be that way (selfish, self-centered, self-serving; treating MIL like a doormat). For many years DH was a bit conflicted about his father’s weak and negative ways, poor manners. My dad was a great roll model in many ways, quite a contrast. Unfortunately my dad died way too young (63).</p>
<p>MIL and FIL really like all their grandchildren, so that is a positive note.</p>
<p>MIL can still drive, but limits herself because she knows her skills are not as sharp and she gave up hearing aids (w/o giving them enough adjustment time IMHO but she also has arthritic hands and has trouble putting them in, plus she didn’t feel the benefit was worth the cost…) - better driver with good hearing.</p>
<p>Routine is absolute. Evening meal at 5:30 p.m. sharp!</p>
<p>FIL could not live alone w/o MIL. Sometimes he is nice (more glimmers of that as his health diminished and he became more dependent, although he had his anger about decline too) and sometimes he has his old domineering words and attitude. MIL assists him as much as she can. He would also be demanding about little things (like she didn’t pass the food to him the ‘right’ way). In some ways, he likes to put MIL down (probably because she was the main bread-winner due to his lack of ambition and not seeking additional education). He writes the checks so he feels like he is in control.</p>
<p>MIL still has a living sister that she would like to live with rather than live alone.</p>
<p>I do not feel like they will make it past 90, at least not FIL. They sleep a lot. Great next door neighbor watches out for them, and a cousin stops in sometimes and takes MIL to grocery store. BIL lives one hour away and comes to handle things.</p>
<p>We encourage my parents to move when we saw that they were having trouble keeping up on the maintenance of their big home. They’d been there over 30 years (raised us kids there) so you can imagine the amount of stuff they’d accumulated. They were both in good health, but the house was just getting to be too much. It took a few years of dithering and then waiting for the right house to come on the market, but when it did, they were ready to make an offer quickly. They were only 20 min away, but moving up the street from us has been the best thing ever for them. </p>
<p>Fast forward a few years and some health issues have crept in. Since they live 2 houses away, they now use a different hospital (had they remained where they were, the hosp they would have used is father for us - hence fewer visits from us) which is 5 min away from our home. So we can easily hop in to visit. And as a HUGE added bonus, our daughter works at that hosp so she can stop in for a visit on her way to work. And since the staff know that their granddaughter works at the hosp, they both have gotten much more attentive care. </p>
<p>Thank goodness they didn’t wait any longer to move. It was painful for all involved to get them packed up an moved, but they have been so thankful to us everyday since as they came to realize how much better it is for them now. Smaller house is so much easier to manage and they love seeing the grandkids more often. </p>
<p>Yes, very lucky indeed. With my daughter there, she was able to get her a better pain med and also a better bandage for her knee (my MIL put an ace bandage on it, but at the hosp, they have a different kind that offered better support) as they were going to just leave the one she had on but my daughter requested a different kind. Much better. Oh yes, and a shorter wait time. :)</p>
<p>Well, I went to visit 4 assisted livings today (2 were assisted living and had 2 memory units and 2 totally memory units) . I just dropped in and all were willing to give me a tour. I learned 2 things today. One, my mother is too high functioning for a memory unit, and two, there are alot of choices and options that all looked good, especially the assisted living ones without the memory unit.
I going in a holding pattern for now but I am glad I visited them
BTW, it felt a whole lot like looking at day cares for the kids 20 years ago.</p>
<p>Rockymtn- so glad you were able to take a look at options. It can be clarifying. It worked for my parents and in laws to find places with multiple levels of care, so that there could be movement between them as needed. Simplified a lot over the years. </p>
<p>One thing I learned long ago looking at day cares, then elementary schools, etc., etc.: you learn a lot at the first one, and you learn much more at the second. Even though it’s not time to make the decision, I am so glad you found some options that may work. Best of luck, @rockymtnhigh!</p>
<p>Like travelnut, my folks are at a place with multiple levels of care. I’m glad you were able to check places out. For us, since my family plans ahead, it was a 2-3 year process which makes it much easier!</p>
<p>Hello all. Not looking so much for advice anymore, more support.</p>
<p>I posted a few pages back that my grandfather has dementia. It seemed for a while that the medication was working and he had stopped “seeing people.” The last couple of days this has started again. Tonight we went to take him home after dinner and I sat down on the couch in front of a quilt that sits on top of the couch. He yelled at me to move because “she’s in there.” He then said “your dad thinks I’m crazy but one of these days I’ll get her out and show him.” The last time he said something like that he tore open a recliner and tore all the stuffing out.</p>
<p>He is a completely different person than he used to be. No more stories or even really conversation at the dinner table. He will complain and say mean-spirited things when he used to be the kindest man I knew.</p>
<p>I want to help him understand that these people aren’t there but he thinks they are. I want to help my dad (his son) realize that he needs to be in a nursing home but that isn’t happening either.</p>
<p>It is just so hard to see him so sick and be unable to help in any way.</p>