<p>preironic, it seems reasonable enough that an insurance company paying for someone with a certain condition would verify that the person had the condition. Are you nervous that the nurse was sent out by the insurance company with an agenda of determining that your mother is fine, when she is not? </p>
<p>Not really sure. I just felt so lucky and relieved when she was approved the first time and I’ve heard so many stories about denials for really sick parents.</p>
<p>As long as the neurologist confirms that there has been (and is likely to continue to be) no improvement in her condition, you should be fine. Insurers have to periodically justify their continuation of benefits. I’d just try to stay calm and work with the visiting nurse. The staff where she is can verify that she needs the care she is receiving as well. </p>
<p>One year and half after mom entered and exited the hospice, she passed away peacefully without any struggle. We are so grateful, it is a relieve for her as her quality of live has been non-existence during her bedridden years. On the other hand her children were not able to see her final hours as we are all far far away. I was local, but when she passed away, I was on the other side of the globe.</p>
<p>As a practical matter, I believe our loved ones want us to remember them when they were younger and had all their powers of reason, not when they were bedridden, fading in and out of consciousness and worse.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss, artloversplus.</p>
<p>tough times, hugs ALL.</p>
<p>For the mail, I made what I know realize was a bit of a mistake, but I had her mail forwarded to her accountant who faxed me anything important. Cost $10 a month extra. But when I realized that I really had to get my hands on it AND her assistant that did it left so I’d be hit with $200 a month, I got a PO box in my town and sent a change of address.
The only thing that makes me so MAD about that is that the Post Office or someone “leaked” her change of address so that I still get mail in that box under her prior name (before divorce of 2004) and it is of course junk mail trying to get her signed up for local insurance. She DOESN"T EVEN LIVE in this STATE. And I really really HATE seeing that name on anything, it was a bitter (second) divorce. Small potatoes in the scheme of what we deal with, but something constantly annoying!</p>
<p>artloversplus, I am so sorry. May her memory be a blessing.</p>
<p>artloversplus, I’m so sorry. </p>
<p>preironic, we went through that. They’re putting out a lot of money, so they want to make sure it’s still justified. As long as she hasn’t had much improvement congnitively, you should be OK. </p>
<p>I remember having someone from the AL staff there during the visit. I told the nurse that they would be better able to answer questions about day-to-day care than I would. I also think that a professional voice can carry some additional weight with the nurse. If you do that, try to talk with the AL staff member before the meeting. Make sure they know what’s at stake, and not to make it sound like Mom is doing super-duper. Try to get someone fairly high up, the AL Director or some such.</p>
<p>During the meeting I sat a little away, not wanting to give the impression of inserting myself into the proceedings too much. I’d say be calm and don’t volunteer anything, unless it looks like they’re going way off the track.</p>
<p>I learned when we closed an office that if you do a temporary change of address for a year it eliminates junk mail getting the address, but if you do a permanent change of address they all get the new address. We did a permanent address first and it was awful, then when we changed PO boxes I put a temporary one instead and no junk mail followed.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss artloversplus</p>
<p>I just read the article bookreader linked a few days ago. I agree with the doctor author, and I suspect with many who post here. After months or maybe years of watching someone fail, the time comes to recognize when their time with us is over. </p>
<p>I still feel lucky that the ER doc on duty for my dad’s final hospitalization realized that. There was a pulmonologist on call who wanted to aggressively treat that final case of pneumonia, but the ER doc and I agreed to let nature take its course.</p>
<p>Uncle had congestive heart failure - at 92, he was either going to respond to TX or not. He was in a nice AL before as a widower after a long and lovely marriage. His hospitalization was short because he didn’t respond. He was ready to be with his beloved.</p>
<p>@esobay you may talk to your post office about the junk mail and how to get eliminated - if RMH’s suggestion will work. Small town people can absolutely be ‘overhelpful’. </p>
<p>It does help to be aware of how medical interventions can be there for quality of life and also how we can allow our loved ones to have a peaceful, happy death.</p>
<p>Interesting, dad passed when wife and sons were out of the room and two daughters told him it was OK to go; mom died when son and daughter stepped into other room. Even in the end, some choose when to go…</p>
<p>I am certain that some choose when to go. My grandmother waited until my first born arrived (her first grandchild) and then held on for a few months. We all think that she simply wanted the peace of mind that he’d be ok. </p>
<p>My FIL was very, very ill and we knew that it would be any day. We all think the he waited until his wedding anniversary. He passed the following day. </p>
<p>My dad couldn’t let go until he knew Mom was going to be ok. After I promised him that I’d look after her, he was gone within 20 minutes. </p>
<p>My mom too - she held on until my sister came to visit, passed away the next morning.</p>
<p>MIL held on until DH could visit her. She died the next morning.</p>
<p>Well, thank you all for the suggestions to ‘wait until an event’ to jump on the assisted living. The brief hospital stay happened and she is now in an assisted living place since yesterday. Also thank you for suggesting the vague answers, fiblets, and not give up hope ideas, as well as divert the subject. I taught my brother that also and we are trying to be on the same page. There is no way she can go back to living at home, even with care givers it just did not work out for her. Her calls so far from the Al are really alot like calls from camp. her: I want to come home, I’m scared, I don’t know any one’. us: give it some time, every thing is new and that is difficult for every one,you will be fine, you’re safe there… how is the food? what did you do today? </p>
<p>So looking at assisted living is like looking for a daycare. Calls from Al are like calls from camp, or maybe the first few days of college.</p>
<p>Excellent response Rockymtnhigh</p>
<p>I told my mom I was going to her eldest grand daughter’s graduation in Chicago, she seemed happy. After our return, I took my D to see her, she was happy to hear that she is going to Med School and few days after that she passed away. Cognitively, I am not sure what mental state she was in, with final stage of Parkinson’s. </p>
<p>rockyMt. good analogies there. also drives home the point that we are parenting our parents as the go back to children in some sense. I hope your Mom finds her people and gets happy. Great that you and your bro have a common theme. And the AL places know, too what to say, they have heard all the complaints.
My experience is mixed, my Dad’s wife (second one) had paranoid dementia and had to be moved to AL. Her daughter bought into her mom’s whining and tears and threats and moved her what seemed like every 6 weeks, it HAD to have been longer, but felt shorter. So double rents, more move-in fees…didn’t matter, my dad was paying. He left it up to the daughter as most of the paranoia was focused on him. She never found a place she liked, moved back into her house with a con artist care giver, then was finally in a foster care sort of house with only 3 residents. She stayed there fairly happily until she died. I think she would have been happy at her first place if her daughter could have been a tougher love parent. (IMHO, she spoiled her son, too!!).
My Mom took a year and a half but is finally seemingly content at her AL place. She throws out the odd “I should go home” every so often, but it seems like it is a reflex more than an actual desire. </p>