<p>rockymtnhigh- So wonderful that assisted living is going well. My in-laws loved assisted living which allowed them to be active and a much better quality of life then their increasingly isolated home life. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law was able to stay less than a year before she died and she did wish she moved in sooner. </p>
<p>somemom- It seems that your mom may be depressed, or maybe just grieving her loss. But, my mother compensates for her memory problems by keeping quiet. It is really hard to engage her in conversation. If you do, it needs to be about what is happening now. She is reluctant to talk as she may be exposed. </p>
<p>I got a bit frustrated with the neurologists at my dad’s hospitalization. They thought they could say something to him and remember it the next time they came in. When it was clear my dad did not remember a previous visit they would respond with “remember, I came in with x and said x?” Clearly, such statements make the elder feel bad and cause them to “pretend” or just stay quiet. Now I’m thinking of it, I will write an e-mail to the chief of neurology to pass this on to the neurology residents. </p>
<p>She does seem happy or at least content, in general. She is sad not to drive, because sometimes she would just like to go for a drive but with no place in mind per se, she does not want to ask any one to stop what they are doing and just take her out. We try to get her out often.</p>
<p>She does help around the house, sort of, I mean she has chosen several chores as ‘hers’ and seems to like to do them most days. It just feels like she built a wall when Dad died and does not go deeply into anything that happened before his death, like an avoidance of feelings. I suppose it is possible she did not make much of the items I see as every day, Dad was incredibly persnickety, it feels like she just opts into the easy thing.</p>
<p>The conversation killer, lack of chattiness has been since he died and a huge difference from how she was before he died.</p>
<p>One of my siblings will be visiting this summer, I will see what she has to say, coming from afar makes it easier to spot significant changes.</p>
<p>somemom-agree with others that this is worth understanding better. Depression can make one less engaged with those around them and sometimes dementia makes initiating and sustaining conversations harder. Also, many 90 year olds slow way down, both physically and cognitively, so processing fast paced discussions can be challenging and her statements of “I never cooked/ate this or that” could be a way to mask difficulties or simply end the discussion, so she is not on the hook for more than she can handle. </p>
<p>My MIL once visited from far away. She was critical and in some ways not making sense. For example, asking for a roll of toilet paper in her bathroom when a full one was out and a spare on the back of the toilet. We later found out she had had a couple of small stokes, just enough to impact certain things. More info will help with planning and depression impacts cognition and is very often treatable, so also worth ruling in or out. Depressed people don’t always look depressed, if that makes any sense.</p>
<p>rockymt… YAY, sounds like she’ll give it a good go then. I also did the hairdresser to get her hair washed. And now the place has added a fingernail polish girl. Mom wasn’t able to be as put together as she always was (one friend was shocked that Mom was disheveled looking before we got her moved; sign of dementia) The regular hair appointments keep her looking lots better. The fingernail painting gives her more skin contact although the pill girls and the blood pressure takers all try to give lots of arm pats. </p>
<p>somemom, my mom is not talking on the phone. It seems to be a cover for saying the “wrong” thing. Since I talk to her every day, I can “cue” her if I know anything about her schedule. But her friends have stopped calling mostly because she says nothing and hangs up quickly. Good idea for someone who didn’t see her for a while to chime in. And for you, your DH and your family, you have to just somehow someway think that it is NOT her pulling away, NOT their fault. Just a long hard goodbye. We grieve “in place” losing them before we lose them. If it is dementia anyway. </p>
<p>Somemom, my mom does have dementia and doesn’t have conversations with us very often. She also makes statements that don’t make sense about foods she’s never had and such. She doesn’t ever want to go out and basically reads and does puzzles when she’s awake, as well as watch tv with us in the evenings. She does seem to talk better with old friends on the rare occasions when she sees them (we live far from her town).
GT- I can’t believe the neurologists would think an elderly person would remember things that well. Some probably do but shouldn’t they know a little about the person before they come in the room to talk to them? I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with that yet. </p>
<p>I notice mine is very up to date and able to do all the personal grooming and religious about taking her very minor medications on time. She would never eat much more than toast and yogurt if we did not cook for her, but she does not feel like she is ‘losing it’ to me. I think travelnut’s physical/mental slow down is more like it. I see a lack of energy to make much effort, but she is happy to be entertained or fed or taken places. She has the stamina to go on trips with us and to go on 4-6 hours of errand running with me (she will wait in the car at the short ones if tired), her walking is amazing, no one would ever guess her age or even decade when seeing her walk.</p>
<p>I am not sure about the health investigation though. Is this with her primary care? She sees him at least twice a year and I cannot imagine there is any sign of being ‘off’ or is it getting a referral to a gerontologist to do an overall systems review and get a baseline?</p>
<p>@somemom, a gerontologist is just a primary-care physician for elderly people. Many primary care physicians have the training to do a decent job with old people as well. A neurologist may be able to better detect any signs of dementia, but my dad’s and stepmother’s gerontologist was attuned to it as well. Either doctor can do a quick little test (like 20 questions) to establish a baseline of cognition, and maybe your mom’s primary care physician can do so as well. But in your shoes, I think I would try to talk to him in advance so he knows what to look for.</p>
<p>Antidepressants were very helpful for both my dad and my stepmother. They both took Lexapro.</p>
<p>Your mom actually sounds really good, Somemom. Mine only shuffles super slow yet refuses to use a wheelchair to get around which made our recent trip very challenging. Your mom sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of carrying on conversations, yet handles the rest of everyday life pretty well.</p>
<p>Exactly, PM. She also is filled with the sense that she does not do anything so has nothing to say, she cannot see that she has nearly 90 years of life experience to share, when granddaughters talk about their babies, she could talk about her baby experiences, but she does not. Lazy is not the right word, but its like she cannot or will not make the effort. And it’s noticeably weird, has been since Dad died.</p>
<p>With my mom, the only way to get a conversation going is to ask a very specific question. " When you were in high school did you …have a boyfriend/a job/ chores at home/ sew / learn to cook?" “When you had babies, did you…use cloth diapers and pins/ stay long in the hospital/ have your mom help when you got home/ feed rice cereal at a certain age/ go through colic or illness with a baby?” Some questions will get a response and some won’t. Your mom very well may be depressed. Mine was for a long time after my dad died. Years.</p>
<p>somemom, it’s been my experience that transitions take a lot out of a very old person (which your mom is, even though she’s obviously doing great for her age!).Losing her partner in life, plus moving in with you are two gigantic transitions. It could be that it’s just getting harder and harder for her to retrieve her thoughts and carry on a conversation of any depth.</p>
<p>In regards to short telephone conversations… My sister was always at the receiving end of “hi, um hmm,…okay, well here’s chuckledoodle…bye love you” I noticed that during one phone conversation that mom was having with sister, that they were talking about things that had happened in the past. Or recipes that mom would often use when we were younger. Now when my sister calls, she always asks mom at least one question about a recipe she is trying. This gets mom more animated than I have ever seen. She will talk to my sister for about 30 minutes before she gets tired. It makes my sister feel very happy that “she got her mom back” for that period of time.</p>
<p>Of course, then I have to tell my sister that mom is NOT getting better… Life is a balancing act.</p>
<p>We tend to think of depression as obviously feeling some sadness, looking sad, saying sad things. But feeling nothing is also a sign. Wonder if she needs grief help. Does she have friends or some activity with her age group or church, etc? I hate to suggest family take on even more driving or coordinating, but for a spry 90 year old-?</p>
<p>It’s not uncommon for our elders to visit the doc more than twice/year, not only for illness or med management. There are so many small changes that can be monitored- and you can get advice. </p>
<p>They moved here when Dad got sick so she never connected with anyone except one religious group which is both irregular in availability and has an ever changing group who attend, but has many ladies who are kind to her & take some interest, but are not actually friends. And she does not attend the weekend services, just the mid week ladies group when it is in session.</p>
<p>I have been killing myself to find her ways to connect and would be thrilled to drive her anywhere if it kept her busy! She rarely calls old friends or even family to whom she was close in years previous. She is the last of her generation in the family and most of her old friends are dead or infirm, the one or two who are not, well, she might send them a card or note if she is prodded. Not at all big on calls. I do take her with me to visit the old town 1-2x a year and force her to get together with one old friend, she never makes the slightest effort to make it happen and yet always has a wonderful time.</p>
<p>She won’t join the senior center, I got her to take two different exercise classes in the last few years there and she would not go back once they were done and just tells me all that is wrong with it. She has always been unwilling to join any grief group.</p>
<p>My mother’s gerontologist has a social worker in the office. Since you’ve tried many things and are so willing to try to help her, I wonder if a good elder social worker can help you understand what’s what, what may help or be available, and how to help you and the family deal with this, as well. This would be different than (or in addition to) a doctor assessing from his/her medical perspective. If the doc can’t recommend some, maybe the city elder resources folks or a senior center can provide info/names. Best wishes, we know you are trying.</p>
<p>somemom, my dad was that way too, having outlived his contemporaries. He was extremely sociable and friends were very important to him in his life until his mid-80s. His physical deterioration came later (although he was still pretty able until the last few months), and his intellectual abilities declined very little. They lived with an aide for my stepmother in their own home until my dad died. I visited several times a week to take him food shopping (he did all the cooking for both of them) but he was just not interested in socializing unless someone came to the house for a brief visit. Also he refused to wear his hearing aides.</p>
<p>This just occurred to me: how is your mother’s hearing? Just in case it’s deteriorating, it could account for many of the issues you are concerned about.</p>
<p>somemom, there is a program here called senior partners that are volunteers, one senior partners with a very elderly one and befriends them. Takes them places for coffee etc. It has be very nice. Unfortunately there is not a program like that in my mothers town. I guess it is kind of like a Big Brothers organization if you are familiar with that.</p>
<p>I have an 86 yr. old neighbor who self published a small book this year. It rambles quite a bit, but overall was a wonderful accomplishment. It tells of her exploits in Bali. </p>
<p>A physician who specializes in geriatrics is a geriatrician, nor a gerontologist. A gerontologist is someone involved in the social, psychological, and biological aspects of aging. Geriatrics is the branch of medicine that studies diseases of older adults.</p>
<p>So, a social worker who specializes in the elderly would be a gerontologist.</p>