<p>Hurricane Sandy took out my mom’s power for weeks. She finally went to my sisters who was also out of power. They had a major showdown, sis wanted to come to my house with power, food, etc and my mom was refusing. Finally sis said, I’m leaving in the morning, you can come with me or you can go it alone. She came. And we ended up having a great time together. I got mom a haircut, mani/pedi, she got to be with my family, my sis, enjoy my hot tub. But she was so stubborn she would have gone down with the ship. </p>
<p>Even this recent move she only did because her back was against the wall and she would be out of money. Now she’s there she’s loving it. </p>
<p>However, she only does something that isn’t her idea when the $hit hits the fan for her. Never ever will take any of her kids advice or opinions. </p>
<p>Right now she’s okay in a more manageable place and feeling a bit better. I’m okay with making her suffer a little of her own actions, but my sister is not. I say if she can’t do something and won’t pay someone, make her sit there a few days until she realizes - hey, I could just have the aid do this (if she’d agree to keep them) However, sis jumps in all the time and has conditioned my mom to hang tight to her stubbornness. I refuse to jump.</p>
<p>Thanks, oldmom, that’s what I thought. Eyeamom, sounds like having a sister can be a two edge sword. I have a sister in Reno and,as I wrote before, she is well enough,usually , to go to her jobs as a nurse (she has Crohns disease). She emails me, and even after my longish reports on our mother, does not mention her, but talks about her seven dogs, horses, many animals (they have a “ranch”) friends, jobs, etc. But, also as i wrote earlier, she sent my mother a Mothers Day card, and has not called her at all during these 8 weeks. Even when my mother leaves a message to please call. I am clueless and ask my husband, Why? He just says…just leave her alone and let her be. Which is what I go…not a word. But they were not estranged when she grew up (in comparison, I was the rebellious and independent one), and it is a weird puzzle to me.</p>
<p>Dharma, must be something of a relief that your mom asked the question herself about how long the money would last. The fact that she was shaken by the answer is IMO a good sign – she may be more open to options.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that 3 years was the best case scenario when we thought RM was 70/75% (I forget which). We now know it’s 65%. And best case also assumes your mom’s care needs will remain unchanged for as long as the money lasts. In fact, it’s a pretty good bet that they will increase, so costs will increase. </p>
<p>AL includes all living costs. Have you done a quick calculation of how much she would save if she didn’t have to pay for groceries, utilities, property taxes, homeowners insurance, lawn care, maintenance/repair, cleaning service, etc? </p>
<p>I did some back-of-the envelope numbers. If AL is, let’s say, $5K per month, and her SS is $2K, then that’s $36K per year she has to come up with. If the house sells for $250K, that’s 6-ish years’ worth of care. A lot better than 2 or 3. </p>
<p>Oh no, unfortunately not, never thought about in my parents’ day. my husband delicately arranged with his moher to prepay funeral expenses, and when things calm down, i will have to approach that, too.</p>
<p>Question to any MDs, Socal workers, pschiatrists, psychologists, sensitive/ inquisitive people: why has my sister not contacted my mother since Mothers Day, before any ot this b, ,egan? Why hasshe tapered off answering my emails, andnow doesnot answer at all? I havenot asked her for a sigle thing, not even suggested “call Mom”. It seemsvery strange, very odd and somehow “deep.” </p>
<p>Dharma, I can’t reply directly to your question, but I’d recommend you keep your sister in the loop by email, even if she never responds. This will prevent her coming back later and saying that she didn’t know what you were up to, which as my SIL’s family discovered, can lead to big problems long after the parent is gone. Never, ever give her cause to say you did something behind her back.</p>
<p>Dharma- all I can say about siblings not helping is that each child has their own relationship with the parent, some come to a conclusion it is better to remain at a distance.
I have several siblings, two far away, one nearby. One far away sibling calls weekly or more, visits at least once a year, and is supportive. One far away sibling never calls, never visits, never has, but will, at my behest, take our mother for a few days to a week if I am traveling. It is always arm twisting, it is never easy, and I don’t let our mother know that as she derives great joy from the visits. The local sibling had always been a black sheep, for over 40 years that has been the case & it is a matter of odd circumstances that I ended up in the same town and brought our mother here. Local sibling rarely calls, rarely visits, rarely helps. Neither one of them enjoy the other. That is not the mother sibling wanted, that is not the child our Mom wanted. I have also found out that when I thought sibling was not making an invitations, instead our mother often says things are too busy at my house with kids & company coming & going, Mom is too tired to go out for a visit. So, Mom is actually shutting down invites, which leads to fewer in the future.</p>
<p>You don’t know what has transpired between them & you likely won’t change it in any positive way. Local sibling does not volunteer to care for out mother when I travel and I would not ask as I don’t think either would like it nor would it go well.</p>
<p>Try to let go of expecting anything from the sibling and also don’t believe everything your mother says is 100% accurate, it is repeated through her filter. She may be discouraging contact and never tell you that.</p>
<p>Lasmas, that is excellent advice, I never thought about possible consequences, but then again, I never contemplated just “shutting down.”. As it is I am reporting everything to her step by step and will continue to do so.</p>
<p>Somemom, are you saying your mom lives with you?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, just about everyone who posts here has had various sibling issues. Dr. Freud never sleeps! I agree heartily with the advice to keep your sister in the loop, just an email summary of what’s going on.</p>
<p>It’s definitely rough going, as LasMa mentioned. Hugs from me too, and good luck with the lawyer tomorrow.</p>
<p>Something I’ve had to come to grips with in terms of siblings. We can all only do what we can mentally and physically handle. I moved away long ago because I didn’t want my family in my business every second of the day. Some of my siblings do want that. I do talk to mom several times a week, the others talk every day, sometimes several times a day. I’m begrudgingly going up again for her birthday this weekend. My sis who lives there doesn’t think one second about how maybe a few weeks before my kids leave for college (one for the first time) that I don’t necessarily want to make a 10 hour round trip journey, after just doing it a couple of weeks before. She’s flying her kids in from all over the country for this birthday dinner out at a restaurant. Inconvenience is a non issue for her. She doesn’t work, and she is at mom’s beck and call and her life fairly well revolves around her. But then again, when her kids were little she got all the free babysitting, attendance at all sporting and school events as well as all holidays. I don’t know why I’m not more gung ho. I’m involved, and want everything to go well, but I don’t want or need that constant in each others business every day. </p>
<p>Just to keep chatting and relate another interesting sibling story: My husband’s older brother is a lawyer and retired. When their mother’s money ran out, my husband–working several demanding temp/PT jobs and looking for full-time-work-- did all the work of getting her out of her AL(expensive) into the NS (medicaid).He did all the application work for medicaid (We should have hired a lawyer; we had no idea how involved it would be). I took all the paperwork to Poughkeepsie to the Medicaid office, waited on line and saw the caseworker, and would race home to meet the school bus. I found and hired the carting agency and auctioner to clear out the AL apt. She was a pathological hoarder and it was quite difficult. The retired lawyer has one grown son and we had three children at home. His involvement is sending their mother a birthday card and a mother’s day card. His wife is an ordained Episcopal priest and they go to “Morning Prayer” every day and service on Sunday. </p>
<p>Eyeamom, you are doing JUST fine! You are there contributing, on the phone, visiting on your terms, and you have sisters who have a good relationship with your mother! I am talking about…and I hope I don’t sound too harsh…what could be defined as.true neglect and staggering selfishness. A great part of me regrets using those words because I don’t want to go that far; there is no knowing what complexities may lie under the surfaces. But, the examples of my sister and BIL are very perplexing and confusing to me. (Forgot to say, BIL lives only an hr away so traveling constraints were/are not an issue.)</p>
<p>Oh dharma - we just moved my 80 yo mother from a place she lived in for 25 years and my brother who lives a mile away spent the day golfing. I get it.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, oh the stories on this thread about cleaning out the homes of horder parents and inlaws. And about siblings who turn into disagreeable self-centered lazy babies, regardless of their lives and reputations outside of their families. This thread’s great virtue, in addition to the practical stuff, is giving us all a safe place to vent about the crazy unfairness of it all, to others who know exactly what you are talking about.</p>
<p>Please understand I can only say this having experienced a very difficult family (I still haven’t found the courage to tell my tale as it really is.) I know the yo-yo, the times when one thinks things are better, then the same patterns return. </p>
<p>I’m honestly not sure I’d call it neglect and staggering selfishness. (I know you hesitated to say that.) You’ve described your mother as extremely difficult and demanding, going back to your childhood, your fears of setting her off, how she doesn’t bend, makes a bold noise, tips trays and threatens suicide. And your feeling of guilt (or at least, regret,) that you can’t step in even more. Maybe your sister broke away, refuses to be sucked in. And it needs to be said: maybe, sometimes, that is the healthy choice.</p>
<p>I understand this leaves you holding the bag. I know maybe your sis should share responsibilities with you. Like others, my heart aches for you- and, like others on this thread, not out of plain old kindly empathy, but because we’ve had relative twist us til we couldn’t breathe. And I know, from my own situation, that sometimes one has to say No, “No Mas,” function as the thinking, mature adult, understand our very real limits. And those of our spouses and children.</p>
<p>We wantto help them, want to do what’s right, want to use our strengths and clarity on their behalf. Of course. But when it’s bad, we also need to recognize our own limits. I am sorry.</p>
<p>Dharma,
I so get it. My brother lives closer to where my parents lived (he is a few hundred miles away; I am a thousand miles away). He did nothing but occasionally cause trouble. At dad’s funeral he acted like he was dads best buddy. Then he showed up at the house with his wife and literally took chairs out from under people’s butts. Then I got home to my home state , utterly exhausted with a million things to attend to and discover he’d hired an attorney. So count your blessings. Sometimes no involvement is better than little.</p>
<p>Sorry, change of topic- I do want also to know how it went with dharma.</p>
<p>Have you ever seen the Robin Williams skit for going through the 5 stages of grief in like a minute? I could not help thinking about it today- obviously his is funny, but my mother is going through them in the assisted living and I wish they would go that fast. </p>