<p>Would have reported this morning, but talked from 9:15 till 11 with my social worker friend with whom we shared a mutually cathartic conversation. She is a lovely women going through some bad times.</p>
<p>Early yesterday morning, realizing from advice given here, I felt compelled to prepare for my mother a cost comparison of Assisted Living vs. 24/7 home care. I called the “resort like” Assisted Living residence where my MIL had lived before she went into a Nursing Home and learned that the base monthly cost is $3,820 with a supplement based on the assessment of your level of need. Not exorbitant. They luckily had one unit open.It is only 20 minutes away. The services provided are tremendous and obviously the benefits of quickly selling the house and eliminating the costs associated with home ownership would greatly increase my mother’s assets. I typed this up in detail.</p>
<p>Then typed up for comparison the costs associated with 24/7 care and living at home and taking a reverse mortgage. Quite time consuming but worth it or me to feel informed, prepared for the lawyer, and to having something in hand for my mother to read and ponder. I did learn from talking to a payroll person that each caregiver’s “gross” salary would bring each woman’s daily cost to about $200. On top of that, the payroll service itself (not very expensive) has to be paid.</p>
<p>Was restless, so left for the lawyer with an extra hour. Quite lucky because my country road had two occasions of traffic blocked for one-way traffic, a great delay, and had to call the lawyer’s office three times to find it. It was incredibly hard to find. Inside, it was exactly like a PBS scene of a lawyer’s office in a Dicken’s novel: papers piled to the ceiling, puppets, parrots, dolls, tapestries strewn all over. </p>
<p>The lawyer greeted me warmly and said, Excuse me if I seem a bit wobbly, but I just came from my husband’s memorial service. I was shocked and offered extreme condolences. He had died on July 1. She gave me a full 60 minutes and was completely focused and taught me a lot. First, I told her about the cost comparisons I had prepared and she asked to see them. She read them and said, “Well, you basically done all my work!” She said her advice was for my mother to sell the house and move into assisted living and mentioned another nice local place. I told her that I agreed strongly but that I thought my mother would strongly resist. The lawyer said, I have had many clients faced with the identical decision and there are some who despite the disadvantages will not budge from their home. It is their decision. She gave me the business card for a lawyer she worked with on all her clients’ reverse mortgages and said he will do his best for us. She also told me she would put me in touch with a payroll agency that handles many employers with just one or two employees, and she said they are quite reasonable. She did express a concern that caregivers, despite experience dealing with sick people even to their death, were not skilled nurses, and she pointed out that I would be driving my mother to multiple MDs a lot. She also told me, which I didn’t know, that it was vital to add liability coverage to my mother’s homeowner’s insurance When we stood up to part, she asked me, “Are you an English teacher?” I said I was! Never was asked that as an open-ended question, curious. She said she was an English teacher before she went to law school.</p>
<p>On to the nursing home. My mother looked terrible. We chatted and she asked, what did you learn from the lawyer? I explained that the lawyer determined that the best course for both her health and assets was AL at the nice place near us. My mother angrily said to me, “You are treating me like a unit! I am your mother!” But I felt it was important enough to not let it go. I told her, you asked me to see the lawyer. This is her expert advice with which I agree. You will have greatly better assets and skilled care. But it is your decision. She insists that she will stay home. I realized it was pointless to show her the papers I had typed up, but I warned her that the costs would be much greater, and I repeated what I told her on Sat, that she had three years worth of assets, likely less. I felt I needed to press her to understand, so I asked her do you understand? Do you recognize that when your assets run out you will 91 years old and live with skilled nurses in a nursing home? She said yes.</p>
<p>But then she said, I thought about how your girls would go away to college and you would have room for me and I could order my meals from restaurants. I had to reply, The lawyer told me she strongly advises her clients from taking this course (the lawyer did in fact tell me that) and all the experts I have consulted have said the same thing; you will need skilled nursing care, and you must conclusively understand that that is impossible. She said alright.</p>
<p>Then we talked about my children and out of the blue she said, I love you, I love your daughters, but I do not like your husband. I was aghast. My husband is a bit of a spendthrift and has on his own bought her Christmas presents, Mother’s Day, birthday presents, entertained her/drawn her out with questions like, How did you celebrate Christmas as a child? Does chores/fixes things. It was a completely bizarre remark.</p>
<p>Then she asked me, Would you take me down to my childhood neighborhood (in the Bronx, now a slum) so I can have a real Jewish corned beef sandwich and buy a seeded rye bread? I said, of course.</p>
<p>Then, a complete non-Church goer after her wedding, she started reminiscing about the different churches my father would take me and my sister to (he was an observant Polish Roman Catholic). Mentioned and talked at length about the various churches, first communions, etc. I infer from this that she is thinking about death.</p>
<p>Anticipating tomorrow’s caregiver meeting, I spoke this am in advance with my mother’s MD and her social worker that my mother would insist on going home and I was sure (in my unprofessional opinion) she was not ready. The social worker wisely told me, Don’t mention the 24/7 caregivers! I asked the MD, if it agreed with her judgement, to tell my mother to anticipate at least another week in the nursing home. </p>
<p>Tomorrow at 11 am I pick up another Polish caregiver at the train who will work 24/7. And the agency has a second woman interested if need be. I emailed him terms to go over with the woman, if he hasn’t already, and insisted she bring references.</p>
<p>Have not heard a word from my sister in two weeks.</p>
<p>Sorry for the length of this post, but had to tell the whole story. Hope it was to some degree entertaining, at least the part about the corned beef sandwich!</p>