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<p>Dharma, this is EXACTLY what’s going on. And it will continue unless and until you draw some boundaries. </p>
<p>For example, you could say to the lawyer, “I cannot continue to spend hours and hours on administration and paperwork for these aides. I will need you to take over that task, or find someone else to do it.”</p>
<p>Yes, that will eat up more of the money. But that’s one of the ramifications of your mom’s "choice. " </p>
<p>I agree there could be some dementia here. Most of us saw competencies diminish in some relative or older friend, before dementia could be diagnosed. But I’m not sure an adult child (who may or may not have adequate POA, at this point,) can call the shots with docs. It’s not the same as reporting a fall or medical symptoms. Unfortunately.</p>
<p>In my experience, it’s a possibility that Dharma’s sibling does not want to be involved in a situation that she does not agree with. And it IS Dharma that has made this decision, not her mother. Now that she has the numbers, she needs to let them go and do what’s best for herself and her mother.
She lost her opportunity for AL when she did not move her straight there from rehab and when she did not tell her straight out that home care would not be financially feasible. Knowing how quickly things change with our parents at this age, this hard fought set up could last for only a short while and then Dharma will have to start all over again. There is going to be a lot of ongoing work to keep all the balls in the air with this situation. I’m exhausted by trying to be convinced by Dharma that she has no choice so here goes, what you want to hear Dharma:</p>
<p>Your mother will love you for the work you are doing for her and will tell you that.
It is best for your mother to be at home with caregivers.
Once you get things going with the caregivers, there will be very little to do.
Your mother will think you are the best daughter ever.
Everyone will think you are the best daughter ever.
You have no choices and are making the best of that fact.</p>
<p>You don’t seem to understand that most of us have been through this and have a lot of useful advice for you. Having been through this, it saddens me to see that path you are headed down. You have to be brave and become the person in charge now, the parent. You are still seeing yourself as a little girl, the eternal mother pleaser. Your mom may never come to understand this phase of her life, but the problem is that you haven’t adapted to the necessary change in your role either. </p>
<p>I’m sorry to sound so harsh, but it’s with the best intentions from one who’s been there. Everyone keeps telling you the same thing, but you are only hearing what you want to hear and getting your feelings hurt by the word “enabler”. It’s time to put on your big girl pants (mentally) and take on your role as decider of what’s best and quit asking for validation from everyone on the planet. You CAN do it!!! Be ready for after the next emergency and rehab. That will be your next chance for more clear headed decision making.</p>
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In fairness, it is not the doctor’s role to tell the patient where they have to live. As you have experienced, it is a complex issue that involves family, legal, financial and safety matters. You can ask for a family therapy session with the psychiatrist and your mom where he can facilitate this conversation with the two of you, but its unfortunately really not reasonable to expect him to tell her what you want him to say.</p>
<p>Ararab, the caregiver is paid by the day and according to the elder-care lawyer we were conforming to the law.</p>
<p>And also, Ararab, to be sure I have my bases covered, I will confirm all is right when I see her tomorrow.</p>
<p>Dharma,
have you looked into getting a Geriatric Case manager? many of the roles that you are struggling with could be handled by one. <a href=“http://www.caremanager.org/”>Site Maintenance;
<p>Take your POA and confirm with the attorney what it covers.</p>
<p>Dharma, I feel like somehow we’re not getting through. The people on this thread are not speaking from a theoretical perspective. For us, this is a real-life lesson learned the hard way. We are desperately hoping to spare you some of the stress and difficulty that we experienced before we learned that essential word: NO.</p>
<p>We’re not saying you just abandon your mom alone in her house. Obviously not. What we are saying is that YOUR energies must be directed toward finding a feasible sustainable solution, which the current arrangement is not. Your energies must be directed toward finding a situation that does not involve sacrificing yourself and your family to please a woman* who will never be pleased anyway, no matter what you do.* </p>
<p>I’ve said it many times: If we do not set boundaries with our parents, they will eat us alive. And that is exactly what’s happening to you now. Your mom is eating you alive, and she will do that just as long as you let her. You must at some point say NO.</p>
<p>And – I think this is maybe where you struggle – We cannot expect them to like it when we say NO. I’m telling you right now, your mom will be very upset when you begin to say, No, Mom, I cannot do that for you. And you must say NO anyway.</p>
<p>Look at the title of this thread. You are the parent now. You must stop looking for your mother’s approval. You must do what’s best for your “child” whether she likes it or not. That means saying NO to her unwise “choice.”</p>
<p>Reading these last few pages is giving me flashbacks of the 7 years I cared for my dad long distance with no help (only occasional intrusive problems) from my sibling, plus the 2 years of dealing with the house and the estate after his death, having to manage the case managers, caregivers, tax preparation, medical issues, billpay, lawn service, snow removal, multiple house repairs (including constant problems with the heating and hot water system, it being hit by a tropical storm, neighbors trees falling into the yard and their being difficult to deal with to get it resolved) a car accident by one caregiver with his car, theft by the other caregiver that apparently went on for months, not caught until many months later by the case manager who was supposed to be monitoring that, etc etc. I had to deal with the hospitalizations, hospice, funeral, footstone, sale of house and emptying of contents, repair/replacement of oiltank, sale of the car…I could go on and on and on. </p>
<p>It is NOT EASY. And my dad was in a better financial situation than your mom, but still ran into cashflow problems, and we had to jump through hoops to get his long term care insu in place and refinance the house (that was an absolute nitemare) to pull some cash out. And after his death there were many continued bills to pay, the costs of maintaining and carrying the house until it was sold, paying city and state taxes, you name it. I HIGHLY advise you to rethink your situation and deal with this now, not later. JMO, as the voice of experience.</p>
<p>** crossposted with LasMa</p>
<p>JYM626, I looked at the website-thank you. My mother is visited periodically by a
case manager by our county’s office of the aging and this does have benefits. LF, yes I will take the POA with e tomorrow. I am concerned now because the elder-care lawyer did study my cost analysis which showed the employee’s wages clearly and upfront and she did not question them, not at all.But listening to Ararab now, I am uneasy. I have now been online to learn whether we are obliged to conform to minimum wage and a new law which is starting in Jan. If so, we cannot provide minimum wage round the clock, AL will become inevitable, and I will have to go backwards and undue all I have done paperwork and compliance wise. The caregiver asked for $200 gross a day/$150 net a day, and I spoke to many caregiver agencies weeks ago who said this was the standard wage. No one mentioned “conforming to minimum wage.” Some even insisted their workers work as “independent contractors” and this is clearly against the law.</p>
<p>Preironic,two years ago (last time I saw my sister, the nurse), while we were walking my dog, she herself raised as first/most logical/most comfortable choice, a live-in caregiver for our mother. She took the teacher role as nurse and visiting nurse (and hospice nurse), and I took the role of student. She knows the ropes. Year ago, she and her nurse husband co-owned a visiting nurses service, which they sold and then moved to Arizona. I can certainly understand how my posts are frustrating, so I do invite you to just skip over them.</p>
<p>The geriatric case manager is a great idea. They were just starting to be available in my MIL’s area not long before she passed away.</p>
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Have you clarified what the role is of this case manager? I would encourage you to talk to her and see if she is able to do the things we are talking about, not just come in and make sure your mom isnt being neglected or something.</p>
<p>Lasma, I truly feel your heartfelt effort to help, thank you, your posts mean a lot to me. </p>
<p>JYM626, so sorry to read what you went through with caregivers, estate, siblings, and so much more.</p>
<p>Oh I could tell you stories, dharma. And if I had it to do over again, I may or may not have pushed for him to move down here or move into AL (he would have needed a lot of assistance) as there were legal ramifications for some of the decisions we made. And, I felt that it was his decision, as long has he was competent even to make bad decisions, to live where he wanted to live. And even though we had case managers (first one was fabulous and became a good friend, but she died of cancer, and dont even get me started on what her slimy ex husband tried to do to milk money out of her clients after she died-- good thing she’d warned me in advance, and the second case manager who was sweet but pretty limited in her skills and in the end was turning to me for assistance in some areas.) it was still very difficult, time consuming and emotionally draining. I repeat, though. My dad could afford to stay in his house, Your mom’s 60K will be gone in a flash, sorry to say. Gosh, taxes alone on his house were $15K. Winter oil bills were $600/mo or so. And on and on…</p>
<p>JYM626, frankly, I didn’t disclose, the county caregiver isn’t the kind of case manager you are suggesting. She is merely a Medicare quarterly visitor who coordinates visits by visiting nurses, physical therapists, etc. We cannot take on an additional cost of a hired “case manager” unless I find it is too much of a burden to me. Fulfilling every document, I have been on the phone with personnel who patiently wait online with me while I ask them how to fill in each page. And the payroll agency is great and walks me through everything. They are even open on Sundays. The payroll agency has assigned me an “implementation specialist” who will help me with anything in an instant.
Perhaps naively, I hope not, I hope that once payroll gets underway and a routine is established, things will settle down.</p>
<p>None of the Caregiver “Go-Betweens”, including the one we hired and paid, said a word about whether there is a need in this job role to conform to minimum wag–EVERYONE discussed a “daily wage” and the elder-lawyer did not comment on what I cited as “Gross/net” salary. Now, a new concern is raised in my mind that I must wait until tomorrow and raise with the elder-care lawyer to make sure we are working within the law regarding whether or not our caregiver falls into a category of work that must e complied to with minimun wage. If the law is going to change and caregiver cannot work on a "daily wage’ (and if this is so, the lawyer had a professional responsibility to tell me, then this is all kaput, and my mother goes to AL or the NS, as she prefers. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, it might be the best thing, a way to stop the wagon rolling down the hill using up her money. A way to tell her, No, this won’t work.</p>
<p>JYM626, My “cost comparisons” make it clear that the caregiver costs are ON TOP of home ownership. As I wrote yesterday, I will show them to the lawyer tomorrow privately and ask her to use her discretion as to whether my mother go ahead and “sink her ship” or listen to the lawyer’s advice. I was a sucker for this “its your mother’s choice” stuff. I should have been given better guidance, especially from my sister.</p>
<p>My DH said this morning that it was especially the social worker’s function to help us look at and compare optins for the future after release, and they did nothing–just gave her a wheelchair for me to push her to the car.</p>
<p>Dharma, I think your posts are definitely worth reading but your response to my post is an example of my frustration. You only heard a guess about your sibling (and I imagine things were quite different 2 years ago) and skipped right on over the gist. Over and over and over you defend your position of having no choice. Read also posts 3768 and 3769. Posts that only tell you what you want to hear might be comforting, but many of us really, really want to help you. And for that you need a deep down wake up call as to your role.</p>