<p>You sent Sis daily emails, left a long vmail, sent 3 letters, the analysis and then another? And now, “whenever anything significant happens, to protect myself, I will send her a note in the mail.” That may be quite time consuming, especially when the other is unresponsive. She may find it excessive.</p>
<p>You cannot control her. Sister has left the building. Volume doesn’t do it. Protests and voicing your frustration don’t do it. Keep a journal (short entries) focused on your mother. “Took her for shoes.” “Reviewed oil bill.” “Asked [NPA Nice Polish Aide] to increase her fiber.” That’s all you need to show you tried to act in your mother’s best interests. Short. No revelations of your own personal frustrations because that’s generally not relevant, should this journal ever be reviewed. (In some cases, it can defeat your goals.) Maybe I’ll tell the tale of my friend who knew the divorce judge would ask if she was satisfied with the alimony agreement. She had prepared 20 minute response to a yes/no question- how she this and he that and his daughter’s boyfriend lived in the house and and. Just the facts, ma’am. Same advice from me as someone else said, re: the attorney: take a list of questions that the lawyer is qualified to answer, relevant to her training and her responsibilities. That focus.</p>
<p>Preironic, what a kind post and thank you for reaching out.I cried when I read about the woman asking for help whose father was wetting through the Depends, but I don’t cry for myself. The work never stops, but I feel capable, efficient, and on top of things. When I talk to people on Payroll or Dept of Labor, I express myself well, understand their answers, and feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I complete and submit yet another form. I stop at a certain point each day and read my book with my Poodle. MY 3 DDs are doing fine, and DH and I share a glass of wine at dinner and commiserate about elder-care (his story is nothing compared to mine, and trailed on for over 10 years), and we talk about common interests and other things too. I have a few regrets. One is that I am such a hog on this forum. The other is the immense road-block I face in knowing–until someone like the lawyer tells her YOU HAVE NOW CHOICE BUT TO GO TO AL OR NH) I have failed to make the right choice. Everything went so fast. I should have had the best accurate cost comparison, courage, and had the lawyer tell my mother face to face, go to AL or you will quickly go downhill. I have dreams about it, imagining things like putting her clothes in a suitcase and having her pull them back out and throwing me against a wall. It won’t be long until she sees the limitations of her finances, and I will make sure it is the lawyer who spells that out to her loud and clear. Anticipating that there might be changes to the laws regarding in-house caregivers (minimum wage requirements) in Jan might bring this to a halt soon. I can do this, but it sure makes me groan to imagine undoing all the set up I’ve done; I just need time enough to give DD2 all the time and devotion she deserves, entering her JR now, to enjoy the college search-and-visit process. Luckily (it should be obvious) I took a very-early retirement; doing this and holding down a job, I can’t imagine. </p>
<p>jym626, RM refers to the (dreaded) Reverse Mortgage. Point to make in hindsight: when I mentioned RM to lawyer, she gave me the name and number of man she recommends. She did not say No! No! No! Don’t go down that route!</p>
You are still expecting others to do things. Your mom may not accept the financial limits, or may think you will help from your funds (she is, as you have indicated, a good manipulator and manipulates you with guilt). You are still hoping the attorney will tell her the financial limits. I dont think thats likely. Hes not a financial advisor. And you are hoping if he does that she will listen, while also fearing she’ll throw the clothes out of the suitcase and throw you against the wall. </p>
<p>I handled my dads stuff for 9 years, while working full time. But never once did I fear what he would do.</p>
<p>If you are considering a reverse mortgage, why would the attorney tell you no no no? We can tell you that, as its a very bad financial decision with a boatload of $ flushed down the toilet up front. But if the attorney hears from you and mom that you are trying to help her stay in the house, why would she challenge your plans to improve cashflow, especially when you’ve been so diligent in putting together a financial spread sheet. She may feel he is helping by giving the name of someone who handles them, even if its a terrible decision financially. People do do them. I wouldnt. I looked at it. Then did a refi instead.</p>
<p>And sis is not like a boyfriend. Maybe like an ex husband with shared kids. You will still have to deal with her. You can tell her that you really would like to have her i input in decisions re; mom, but if she is unable to participate in making these decisions that you will have to do it alone, and if she is interested in a status she will have to contact you. Then stop communicating.</p>
<p>It is not a lawyer’s responsibility to tell " her YOU HAVE NOW CHOICE BUT TO GO TO AL OR NH." It is not in line with her professional duties and I’ll bet you it is contrary to ethics. I can imagine someone accusing her of colluding with the daughter. She is not the right person. I don’t think you will find a savior to force your mother into the steps that will reduce the burdens on you. Those steps have to come from you. </p>
<p>Thanks for your post jym626, but I don’t understand it. You did not fear your dad. I fear my mother. I am afraid of my mother will hurt me, hit me, kick me. I can only imagine a third party, a professional, tell her loud and clear that she has reached the end. The lawyer was not uptight; she was easygoing. I think if I talk and explain, she would take on this role. Or perhaps the shrink. Ironically, my mother might accept this if it came from my sister who can “fill a room” much better than I can. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but despite the years of neglect (no visits, phone calls not returned), my mother–and my father before her–reveres my sister. If it does indeed come down to me having to tell my mother the gig is up, I will need someone with me, someone perhaps like the caseworker from the Office of the Aging or my friend who is a Social Worker. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, because of a lifetime of experience with my dad, I was very fearful of his reactions to my shortcomings. And trust me, I was not an efficient provider of services and manager of finance for him and my stepmother. I did the best I could. Therapy really helped with these feelings. But my dad wasn’t a crazy manipulator like your mom. I know the feeling of not being able to process her craziness at the time of manifestation (like the piano, the wedding dress, what she said about your husband), and getting roped into facilitating something that’s not good for you, and also not good for her. Of course I am doing armchair/six-degrees-of-separation fake psychotherapy here. But it seems like you have been taken for a ride by your mom since her recent hospitalization and you need to disengage yourself so you can say no, I can’t do that and I won’t let you manipulate me. You are never moving into my house and you don’t have enough money to stay here either.</p>
This. As I said earlier, ask for a family session with the psychiatrist. Do not tell your mother when its just the 2 of you. If you think she will be violent, then you need a third party there. Agree that it will need to be in a safe place. If she acts out, they will have to call security. And you can tell her as part of the conversation that if she acts out or threatens you at home that you will immediately call the police. She only has control because you are giving it to her.</p>
<p>If she is truly aggressive, she can be hospitalized (imminent threat to self/others-- you being the “other”. Do not drive her. Have the aide drive her. Stay away and if she threatens you you let her know you will not be there for her. Its on YOUR terms, not hers.</p>
<p>** And let the psychiatrist know, and mention it in the session that she has threatened you in the past and you will not tolerate that behavior. If she threatens you, you will call the police.</p>
<p>Our savior was the rehab/SN after rehab for a broken hip. We made it clear up front to the SW that our mother had been living alone, they made it clear that it could not continue. They wrote down “release to assisted living” and we were able to interpret that to mom as a facility. It “could” have been interpreted to mean home health care but we knew financially that would not work. She has been there a year and a half and may need SN soon. Our only regret is that we left her in her hometown thinking that she would continue to have the support of friends and church, but nearer to one of our homes would have been better. </p>
<p>Oh and dont say it in front of the live in caregivers or they’ll start looking for a new placement.</p>
<p>My dad was no piece of cake. He had mood issues and absolutely fell apart after mom died. Was hospitalized for depression and anxiety several times and threatened suicide several times. Thats a fun call to get a thousand miles away in the middle of a work day. But he understood if he did X, I had to do Y. Remember, I was not there in the same city, so had to have systems in place. It was NOT EASY. But, we were financially able to manage it. </p>
<p>jym, it was me who recommended that Dharma keep her sister in the loop, to prevent her ever coming back and complaining that Dharma was doing things behind her back. However, I’m going to amend that recommendation.</p>
<p>Dharma, I think your sister has now shown that she doesn’t want to be involved, not at this stage anyway. So I think I might send her an email (Read Receipt) saying something like, “I no longer have time to keep you updated on a daily basis. I will inform you if/when there is a change in Mom’s living situation, and whenever there’s a significant change in her health status, e.g., hospitalization. Beyond that, if you ever want more information, contact me.”</p>
<p>As someone suggested, keep some kind of a log about Mom’s status and activities, as well as your activities on her behalf. Also keep a simple spreadsheet about money you spend on her behalf, reimbursed or not. And definitely save all receipts.</p>
<p>Good post, LasMa. Totally agree. And really, no matter how carefully one dots the I’s and crosses the T’s, the siblings come out of the woodworks and make all sorts of accusations and armchair quarterbacking. Ask any estates and trusts attorney. They’ve seen it all.</p>
<p>* I am afraid of my mother will hurt me, hit me, kick me* Honey, it doesn’t have to be this way. But, like some spouses in bad situations, you can’t keep deciding based on fears- of what she might do to you, to herself- or that it’s your fault for not being perfect and the guilt that comes with that. We’re saying, take back your life. And take care of your babies. No matter how even keel things seem to be, they need you whole.</p>
<p>True, jym. The email loop works beautifully for my family and has prevented many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But my brothers are very responsive, (prompted in part by guilt at knowing that I’m doing the lion’s share of the work) so that’s the difference.</p>
<p>Communication is wonderful when everyone is on the same page and works well together. You are very fortunate, LasMa, but kudos to you for doing the lions share.</p>