<p>Dharma, I confess I don’t understand the fear of physical violence. Your mom is very old, feeble, partially disabled, and in poor health. If you just make sure to stay 4 feet away from her, I don’t think she’s going to be able to hurt you physically. Worse comes to worst, you can certainly outrun her. </p>
<p>Everybody handles family stresses differently, but the physical violence out of mother is way over the top.</p>
<p>Can you abort the RM? How far is it in the process? Cut your losses now.</p>
<p>Dharma –
Two small suggestions to protect yourself:
- Ask the attorney to document in a letter that the payment arrangements are within the applicable rules and regulations of NY State, Federal, and whatever municipality your mom lives in.
- Make sure EVERYTHING is in your mom’s name, and you are only POA. Either her SS#, or her EIN (an an employer) should be on it. Bills should be sent to her name c/o your name & address.</p>
<p>all very good points You dont want them asw your employees. They are your moms.</p>
<p>Yes, I am listening. Thank you all for collectively hanging out with me today. I feel very lucky to have found such a formidable source of intelligence, good sense, and great patience. I accept that the No comes from me, I will at least have my husband join me. Alternatively, I will do it during the daytime with my best friend, the Social Worker whom I mention who works with elders.She is a calm, authoritative and very knowledgeable woman. Because I have had to be so intimately involved with my mother’s care during her hospitalizations, I have had a number of one-on-one meetings with her shrink–met him on my own over the years in his office–based on our history, he may allow my mom and me to come in together and listen and witness while I tell her the news. I know this is a long shot, but she would be calmer with him than with my husband or my girl-friend Social Worker. The minimum-wage laws affecting home care givers go into effect on Jan 1, 2014, and unless there is a “loophole” the caregiver may have to go Dec. 31. We might be able to finagle a way with the lawyer to have the caregiver officially employed from 9-6 or whatever add up to $200 a day. But I am not starting in September. My other can afford to have this lifestyle for 4-6ish months, possibly a bit longer. </p>
<p>If you feel like listening, I would like to tell you that my mother had an argument with her own mother when I was about 16 years old. We were, aunts and uncle and grandparents, all at my home for Christmas. My mother had an episode and insisted that my aunt–her sister–take everyone out and return home immediately, late at night. My mother never saw nor spoke with either of her parents again, did not help her sister move them when they were aged into my aunt’s house (she took both 80 yr olds in to live with her). Beyond a doubt, she sees no connection or insight into her own role as a daughter or what she is asking/getting from me. She has no communiation with her elder sister, who is now about 91. But that should come as no surprise.</p>
<p>Excellent idea about bring along your DH and your friend as reinforcements. You may want to discuss with them ahead of time what to do when (not if) your mother reacts badly. How are they going to help you make it clear that you’re not backing down? And how are they going to react if she turns the tables and starts attacking THEM? </p>
<p>BTW, this thread is moving so fast I’ve lost track lol. What news are you going to be delivering?</p>
<p>Recruiting your husband sounds like a good idea, Dharma. </p>
<p>Someday this will all be past, and you’ll breathe and realize how good it feels to have this off your shoulders.</p>
<p>My mother could turn me to a heap until I learned what control I could exert.<br>
But when the S hits the fan, I currently don’t think I have all the auths I’d need. Certainly not if she moves to AZ.<br>
I will be there for her in crises, do take her to occasional appts when she can’t schedule the ride, talk to her. But as I said, when I saw the impact on D2, my mama bear alarms went off. Big time. There’s more, but not now. I do have many good memories to hang onto. .And doing the right thing is important for all of us here. But sometimes, we have to draw that line. I believe the Gods will forgive us, especially when we did try and our own kids were impacted.</p>
<p>Uh oh- jym, it’s not permission from the psychiatrist, is it? The mother is his patient and mother has to approve, no? That’s how it works with my D2, over 21.</p>
<p>To start, yeS Arabrar and jym626, everything is in my mother’s name. On the advice of the payroll woman,I provided my phone number and email address because y mother is deaf on the phone and of course has no email.But they assure me, I am totally protected and everything is in my mother’s name.</p>
<p>Arabrab, do you really think I need such a letter from the attorney? Because I have done all those things and they are absolutely in my mother’s name alone. What do you think? And oh yes, I enter her SS# and all her personal data very carefully.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, and to my distress, the RM is up in the air. We have a “no fee” meeting with the RM rep the attorney recommended on the 18th. If I moved her out IMMEDIATELY we could put the house on the market and avoid the RM. I feel like a failure, but I imagine we will pursue the RM and keep her in the house months… a year, or less, or more…but her cash will run out fast.</p>
<p>jym626, your words really registered with me and I can tell you grasp the extent of the problem. She has been physically abusive to others (not to me) but has been quite clinically violently verbally abusive to both my husband and myself, like a psychotic, out of the blue. When I talked to her shrink while she was in the nursing home he said she was not "psychotic’ but had “psychotic episodes”, but I understand by that that I cannot assume medical power of attorney (she is “not crazy”). He also said her ‘manic depression’ was in “remission” which as a close observer I think is wrong, but I think he was being cautious and protecting himself. But–pychologists and other informed persons will understand this–she is very crafty and intelligent and can appear quite charming. People in the bakery in town, the bookstore, the community resource center ( I shudder because everyone knows the efffervesent A is Dharmawheel’s mother) tell me how charming and engaging she is. That is because, as I interpret it, she keeps her personality FIXATED in the immediate present, and strongly manifests her personality into what amounts to an aggressive way, but which can come across to outsiders as “a hell of a gal.” She is like a super-semi-psychotic extrovert. Does this make any sense? Does this help explain the individual I am trying to define? </p>
<p>Tomorrow morning I take DD2 to her piano lesson, given by an Iranian exile who prefers to call herself “Persian.” As a child, she, her siblings, and university-employed parents(father was a professor of Music) escaped Iran at the collapse of the Shah.</p>
<p>LasMa, I just wanted to thank you for your advice about staying clear of my mother. The point of my post here is to say, my mother would NEVER assert herself in that way against my sister, the eminent Professional Nurse on whom whose ever word (whenever my sister deigns to cal) she hangs onto like gospel.</p>
<p>preironic–I wanted to send you a PM but your page says your mail box is full. If you would like, empty your inbox of old messages and I will send you a PM. Thanks! Dharma wheel</p>
<p>jym626, I just wanted to thank you again for your post. I don’t know where you are coming from, but you understand the situation. Your words have empowered me on the path to the future…maybe not immediate, but eventual…perhaps soon.</p>
<p>preironic is popular. :P</p>
<p>Listen, Dharma, I hope you don’t feel like we’re coming at you from all sides today. Well, I guess we are, but it’s in support. We just want you to get all this settled in a way that you can go back to living your life.</p>
<p>ETA – Oops, almost forgot. Here’s today’s hug. ((((()))))</p>
<p>ETA2 – What’s the rush on the RM? She has, IIRC, $60K or so. Why not let things settle a bit before you go down that road?</p>
<p>LasMa, isn’t this discussion moving fast? I feel awful for consuming the time of day for many readers and interest/compassionate observers. The “news” of moving my mother out of at-homecaregiver–estimated at first to last three or less years with new insights into to costs HIGHER that at first estimated and new laws to be implemented Jan 1 2014 requiring a minimum wage for NYS caregivers, mean my mother might/will be moving to AL or (or more likely) or NS sooner than later .</p>
<p>BTW, to fill out a form for NYState unemployment today I had to walk to my mother’s house this am and I took the dog. The caregiver was so happy to play with the our wonderful 14 mo old dog. My mother was contentedly eating her late breakfast. I needed her 2013 income tax form t fill out the NY State formand took it with me. The caregiver asked me, do you want me to go to the lawyer’s meeting tomorrow, and I said YES–it will get you out of the house, there is a nice waiting room, and we can chat in the car…but most important to me, it will disable my mother from putting hard questions to me and positing stinging comments to me.</p>
<p>LasMas, sorry to post again, but did I answer your question? The “news to be delivered” is that her savings will run out earlier than was estimated.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, the reverse mortgage is not a done deal until the closing.</p>
<p>Dharma, why do you have to go to the RM meeting on the 18th? It is a ‘no fee’ meeting, so why not stall it. Cancel it by phone and decline to reschedule it as ‘you are not sure at this time the best timing for that meeting.’ Let the meeting hang. And then all you have to do is - not do anything more with the RM.
So far, you are doing all the work for this RM and yet my understanding is that you know it isn’t best for your mom. So, get out of this meeting and stop doing anything more with this. </p>
<p>Maybe you can schedule yourself for some meeting/appointment on the 18th, so you can’t do both and much cancel the RM meeting. I suggest this because you may not be able to just say to your mom that you cancelled this meeting because you don’t want to go. But in some way, just cancel it. And then do nothing more. This will protect your mom’s largest asset and you will really be doing her an enormous favor, even though she is not likely to appreciate it. Just do what is best for her. And his RM is not best for her. Not at all. You’ll feel better knowing that you did what is best for her. </p>
<p>Just returning and trying to catch up. Not sure I understand your earlier question in post 3827. If you’ve had a long relationship with the psychiatrist, he/she should likely have had your mom sign a release of information that allows you to talk to him and vice versa. That should be on file and you are fine to communicate and vice versa. It might be helpful to be sure that is on file, if there is a delicate way to do so. Like casually suggest you and she sign a current one to have an updated one in the file.</p>
<p>It seems to me that you do understand where I am coming from. I am a bit confused about the date for the NY state tax laws, as I thought they went into effect Jan of 2011. We were setting everything up to get our longtime primary caregiver to become an employee of the agency so I didnt have to do all that tax stuff when my dad got pneumonia and fell in January and things went downhill from there. Are you saying that they didnt implement it in 2011 and its now not going into effect until Jan 2015? I posted a link to the NYstate laws earlier in the thread somewhere. Perhaps you can see if you can find it.</p>
<p>LasMa is fortunate to have cooperative siblings who understand and appreciate all the hard work she is doing. It is a lot of work even when you have a cooperative parent and siblings. </p>
<p>I agree to stall on the RM meeting. Whats the rush? You don’t need to do that yet. I agree that holding off is perhaps advisable.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone to STALL on the RM. That is something that is very easy to start tapping but will quickly drain assets that cannot be gotten back. DO NOT attend any RM meeting or do ANYTHING regarding that. </p>